How do you keep a friends pg from ruining your friendship? UPDATED

delino · April 2012

You might remember the other day I mentioned my friend is pregnant. Well, I found myself giving her the death glare to the back of her head yesterday. I of course don't wish anything bad on her, and I know she's really nervous since she hasn't been to the doctor yet, but I can't bring myself to be the supportive friend regarding her pregnancy. I feel horrible about it. She has been an amazing friend through my losses and incredibly supportive. Am I a bad person? What do I do?UPDATE: I had a text message conversation this morning. Basically I started by saying how sad grey's and private practice have been and that I'm sad in real life and don't need to be sad when watching tv. She said that she knows I'm sad and is here to listen when I need her to be. She said she thinks of me and is sad for me. I told her that I appreciate her friendship and that I'm happy for her even if I can't show it. She said that she feels badly and feels it should be me pg, not her. I told her she has no reason to feel bad. I was fighting back the tears as we had this "conversation", but it was good to have it and don't think I can have it face to face. Thank you all for your feedback.

FreyaWin2382 · April 2012

First of all I think you need to give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself for those "glares"! I sometimes will refer to all of the pregnant women around me as "pregnant b!tches" in my head....and, while kinda mean, it makes me chuckle a little and as long as I don't say it out loud, then I excuse it!

I have been there, and what I have found works best is to be as honest as you can. Straight up tell her that you are happy for her, and wish her the best, but really don't want to hear about specific pregnancy details and complaints. I have done this with both of my best friend and sister....I found that being honest helped to eliminate the "elephant in the room" feeling that skirting around it did.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this...but I know that you will find the right way to keep your friendship!

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

First, you are not a bad person. I am sure, if she is such a good friend, she is thinking about how she can go through her pregnancy without hurting you. I think that you should be as supportive as you can, but also advise her that you may not be able to be there for her 100% of the time because it is just too painful. A true friend would understand and respect this!

delino · April 2012

You're right. I will need to have "the talk" with her soon. I know she doesn't want to hurt me and is concious of my pain. I just don't want to sound selfish if that makes sense. She was there for me and now I can't be there for her Sad

kiki4 · April 2012

You are not a bad person - in less than a year, you have experienced loss not once, but 3 times. It's hard to see someone attain the very thing you want so badly. One of my very best friends told me she was pg weeks after my m/c and I was so crushed. I constantly have to remind myself that she has been where I am (she had an ectopic and an early m/c). I literally tell myself every day, I am going to be happy for her. It has gotten easier; I can talk to her about the pg now.

My best advice is to just try taking it one day at a time. Someone who has been so supportive, I would think would understand it being difficult for you. Perhaps you could tell her something along the lines of you are so very happy for her, but some days may be more difficult than others for you. I'm praying your May IVF brings you your rainbow. ((HUGS))

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

delino:
You're right. I will need to have "the talk" with her soon. I know she doesn't want to hurt me and is concious of my pain. I just don't want to sound selfish if that makes sense. She was there for me and now I can't be there for her

I understand what you mean, but I do not think you are being selfish. When my sister told me that she was pg (just 2 months after our loss) I told her that I wanted her to be able to experience all fo the excitement of her pregnancy without having to think about hurting me. I told her that I may not comment, I may just be quite or I may cry but that was not bc I was angry at her, but because I am hurting for me. I think the same thing applies. It is very hard for me to be there for my sister (now both sisters -- ugh, I know) and I do find myselft at times just avoiding them, but I will not allow myself to steal their joy.

I am not saying that it is easy, but I think a true friend will never throw their pregnancy in your face or rub it in.

kpowers982 · April 2012

FreyaWin2382:

First of all I think you need to give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself for those "glares"! I sometimes will refer to all of the pregnant women around me as "pregnant b!tches" in my head....and, while kinda mean, it makes me chuckle a little and as long as I don't say it out loud, then I excuse it!

You. I like you.

Delino, I don't really have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I sympathize because I am dealing with a very similar situation at the moment. Thinking of you.

ct103 · April 2012

I'm gonna echo the others and tell you to give yourself a break. You are NOT a bad person, just a person going through an incredibly difficult situation.

I have two pregnant BFF's at the moment, and I work 40 hours a week with one of them! It is not easy. I feel like I'm never safe because work is a constant reminder of what I don't have, and at home I get calls/email/texts from the other one.

I am ashamed to admit this, but the reason I left facebook is because of one of these ladies. Let me tell you, SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. She is not one of these idiots who b!tches about her pregnancy symptoms expecting the world to be sympathetic because of her "burden". She has been nothing but tasteful, humble, and calm about her pregnancy updates on FB. Yet, I still couldn't handle it.

Neither of these BFF's had to try to conceive, it just magically happened when they wanted it to (no charting, no OPK's). I am beyond envious, and I find it's very easy to withdraw from them. Instead, I try to stay close to them and ask them about their pregnancies (when I'm in the mood to do so). HOWEVER, I also tell them all about my struggles because they really want to help me too in whatever way they can.

I guess my only advice is to BE HONEST, and only talk about your friend's pregnancy on your terms (only when you're in the mood). If she's a true friend, she will understand. Now I'm not saying that my way of dealing with this issue makes everything all better. I'm still living in hell and find it hard to get out of bed most mornings. But, I think I'm doing the best I can, and I KNOW you are doing your best too, delino. Don't forget that you're not alone. (((Hugs)))

Gregermis · April 2012

No, you aren't a bad person. I've had to step back from a few friends of mine, at least while they are pg. It's only temporary and it's part of taking care of you!

Mrs Carbo · April 2012

Just as everyone else has said, you are not a bad person. Give yourself a break.

Honesty is the best policy, if she has been that supportive through your losses, she will understand without question.

I was in a similar situation and was open with my friend. I found once everything was on the table I was actually able to relax a little more. She was incredibly considerate the entire time. She NEVER complained, and really only talked about pg if I or DH brough it up first. By the end of her pg I found myself genuinely happy for her and excited to meet her LOs.

Thay being said, she is an exception bc we are so close. I definitely don't feel this way about anyone else.

My best advice is to go easy on yourself and do what you can. It sounds like this is a good friend, she will understand.

Kpsbabyzoe · April 2012

It's hard, that's for sure. And no, it does not make you a bad person. I have just avoided spending a lot of physical time with my friend who is pregnant, but we talk a ton on the phone. When I do see her, I try not to look at her belly if I can avoid it and just look at her face. But, she knows it hurts me and she tries not to draw too much attention to it either.

delino · April 2012

Thanks ladies. I have faith that our friendship will make it through this. I will adjust.

LSzwaya · April 2012

I agree with PP. Cut yourself some slack. It is really difficult to be friends with pregnant women while you're dealing with a loss or losses. I have had to watch many friends get pregnant and have babies and I have had to avoid most of them just because I know its the only way I can keep from being a huge jealous/angry b!tch! The ones that matter and care about you will still be there when you are ready and the ones who aren't, don't matter. Sending you a big hug. I know how hard this part is.

paisleybaby33 · April 2012

kiki4:

You are not a bad person - in less than a year, you have experienced loss not once, but 3 times. It's hard to see someone attain the very thing you want so badly. One of my very best friends told me she was pg weeks after my m/c and I was so crushed. I constantly have to remind myself that she has been where I am (she had an ectopic and an early m/c). I literally tell myself every day, I am going to be happy for her. It has gotten easier; I can talk to her about the pg now.

My best advice is to just try taking it one day at a time. Someone who has been so supportive, I would think would understand it being difficult for you. Perhaps you could tell her something along the lines of you are so very happy for her, but some days may be more difficult than others for you. I'm praying your May IVF brings you your rainbow. ((HUGS))

Ditto to the bolded above. Just know you are not being selfish and are not an awful person...you are a normal human trying to make it through a series of awful life events. ((HUGS)))

katharine25 · April 2012

delino:
You're right. I will need to have "the talk" with her soon. I know she doesn't want to hurt me and is concious of my pain. I just don't want to sound selfish if that makes sense. She was there for me and now I can't be there for her

The talk really helps, if she's truly s great friend he will understand. You might even surprise yourself and be ok with her after her reaction.

I had the "talk" with a friend who's pg and due a week before my first. I flat out they I loved her, but I can't support her through her pg - but she really cant support me through my loss either in her state. We both agreed it was a shitty situation, and we both understood. Our relationship has suffered as a result, but only in a minor temporary way. When I'm ready, I know she will welcome me back with open arms. And honestly, I find myself often reaching out to her now, asking her how her pregnancy is going, and getting excited for her baby's imminently arrival

lotus88 · April 2012

FreyaWin2382:
I have been there, and what I have found works best is to be as honest as you can. Straight up tell her that you are happy for her, and wish her the best, but really don't want to hear about specific pregnancy details and complaints.

*badge warning*

I agree completely. I had to do this with three good friends over the course of our ttcal time. They understod and considered my feelings for the most part. With my first pg, I was on the other side with one of these friends (she had been trying forover a year, we had for slightly less). It was a huge elephant in the room because neither of us woulddiscuss how we felt.

Don't feel guilty. You are not a bad person.What you've been through is unfair and your feelings are totally normal. ((hugs))

lotus88 · April 2012

I'm glad you got both of your feelings out in the open.

Deethebee · April 2012

It seems like you have a great friend there...I'm glad you were able to talk to each other openly like that.((((hugs))))

AngnShaun · April 2012

obviously im late for this since you already updated...

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