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Natural Birth
littlemac1117
member
Need advice, DH is weirded out by waterbirth/midwives
littlemac1117
member
So I am going to be delivering in a hospital that offers water birth, something I am really excited about. The thing is, my husband is really worried that he is going to end up pushed to the side by my midwife. I've tried talking to him about it, and he just keeps saying that he feels like he is not going to be allowed to be involved. I'm not sure exactly what makes him feel this way, because with my DS we had an OB and I had a c/s, so neither of us have the experience of working with a midwife during childbirth. I've tried explaining to him why I want to go with a midwife, but he still feels weird about it.
The other thing is that he feels like he wont be able to help me with anything if I labor/deliver in the water, but I don't think he would be able to do any more for me if I delivered in bed. I think he may just be psyching himself out.
He says "you're the one delivering a baby, so it is up to you, but this is how I feel", but I know he is kind of upset about it, and I really don't want to give birth with an uncomfortable husband haha. I know we still have a long way to go, but I would like to have things like this addressed way ahead of time. So can you help me? Any advice?
Whether you had a waterbirth or not:
What kinds of things did your husbands do to be involved? Where was your husband during the delivery? Any tips on calming a nervous husband? Thanks in advance 
A woman's life is nine parts mess to one part magic, you'll learn that soon enough...and the parts that look like magic turn out to be the messiest of all.
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Re: Need advice, DH is weirded out by waterbirth/midwives
NorCalMOMS bio* NorCalBOTB* babywearingBIO
Harmony Doula
My husband went to all of my prenatal appointments with me, as well as attending the full day childbirth/childcare class with me. He did the hospital tour as well.
During the delivery stage, he primarily acted as my advocate and, frequently, explainer. He knew what I wanted, and was good at 'translating' for me when I was short tempered or having a hard time getting across what I meant due to pain, stress, and/or fatigue.
He also acted as my coach, reminding me with each contraction that the pain would end, timing my contractions for me, making sure that I got in enough water, helping me get in and out of the bathroom with my iv and monitors attached, helping to calm me during transition, etc. etc.
During the actual delivery, he was on one side of me, holding my hand with one hand while with his other hand he helped keep my leg up and out while I pushed
He has seen a few birth documentaries with me that feature waterbirths and women birthing with midwives, and that is where his dislike comes from. I think it is because in all the birth videos he has seen, the midwife is right up in there. I'm pretty sure he thinks that when the time comes to push the baby out, the midwife is just going to knock him out of the way or something. The hospital I'll be at (OHSU in Portland, OR) requires that you take their waterbirth class in order to get the tub in your room, so I think going to that and getting his questions answered should help. Also, I am looking forward to him meeting the team of midwives.
This is a great idea and I think probably one of the most important things DH and I do. He goes to all of my appointments with me -- I actually put him in charge of scheduling them so that he can do it around his work schedule (mine work is more flexible).
The way our center works is each appointment we meet with a different midwife and doula / assistant (some assistants are also doulas, some are not) so that we get to know everyone who may be present during the actual birth. So far they have all been great about addressing us together and individually during the appointment and about any questions or concerns we may have. DH completely takes that opportunity to voice his concerns or ask questions and they have all been very kind and informative. After each appointment DH has mentioned how much he enjoyed the visit and things he liked about the practitioners.
This is our first time and I feel it's very important for each of us to have a chance to get to know those who will be there to participate in our birth. And it's good for them to get a feel for our personalities. They realize DH is very "hands on" in my care, particularly my nutrition -- which is a big point of discussion during our appointments and based on real foods. They make recommendations on what I should have more or less of and I notice DH following that when I'm having trouble eating, "honey, you can't just eat THAT. You need to some protein as well" and will make suggestions until something sounds palatable.
All of this helps him to be involved in our pregnancy and will undoubtedly build his confidence to contribute during labor and birth.
It looks like you guys have plenty of time to take a Bradley class if you want. If you don't want to take a class that long, you can also read the Bradley book, "Husband Coached Childbirth." Most MWs are familiar with Bradley, at least around here, and are really happy when fathers want to be that involved. So, if he's educated about ways he can help you rather than leaning over the relevant areas when the MW wants to check your cervix or otherwise being in the way, he should be able to be very involved, whether you labor in a tub or not.
We took Bradley and while I am STILL waiting to see how much of it we apply to my labor experience, we really liked it. While my H was not "weirded out" by water birth, he did have a LOT of questions, and the class was very helpful in answering them. I think he feels very informed and prepared to participate in this birth now.
With regards to a midwife, you should bring your DH along with you to an appointment or two so he can meet her, get acquainted, and even express his concerns. From my experience, I had DS at a hospital attached birth center and honestly my MW wasn't really with me until I was pushing. There were nurses checking on us, but mainly, in terms of laboring, it was just DH and I.
And DS was a water birth as well. Honestly, this gave DH a lot of opportunities to be MORE helpful to me. Mainly because I was able to move around as needed, but because it was a free-standing tub DH was able to move to be where I needed him. I labored in the tub for about 9 hours, and DH spent most of that time behind me, applying counter pressure to my shoulders during contractions. This would have been a very difficult position had I been on a hospital bed. When I was pushing I was squatting at the side of the tub and DH was directly in front of me, holding my hands and helping to support me. This was also wonderful because he was able to physically support me while looking me in the eyes and encouraging me along. Again this would be difficult on the bed b/c my DH had no interest in seeing the actual delivery. In the tub, my lower half was submerged and behind the edge of the tub, so he could be right in front of me without seeing anything.
I had DD at a hospital with an OB. With her labor I was most comfortable on the bed than walking or moving around. I was comfortable this way, but it meant DH could do little to 'help' me, and ended up sitting beside me and feeding me ice chips. I don't think he necessarily felt useless, but it certainly was a different, less-involved experience for him than the previous water birth.
What kinds of things did your husbands do to be involved? During labor I squatted/kneeled in the tub and leaned over the side. DH sat on the toilet next to the tub and I held his arms and he helped talk me through the contractions and gave me a scalp massage. The two midwives and their assistant were around, but our bathroom was tiny, so mostly they just checked in on me and towards the end one of them knelt by the tub and applied pressure to help prevent any tearing.
Where was your husband during the delivery? It was the strangest thing. One minute he was sitting next to me and towards the end when baby was crowning he somehow lept over me and was in the tub with me and he actually caught DD and passed her up out of the water to me.
Any tips on calming a nervous husband? I think bringing him along for your appointments with the midwife is a great idea. DH comes to all of mine unless his work schedule doesn't permit it. It's actually really helpful because he always remembers to ask the things pregnancy brain makes me forget. The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin is one I highly recommend reading, it is very informative, poses ideas that will create conversation between you two and will help him to feel confident and knowledgable when it comes time for you to birth so that he can be comfortable as an active participant and not like a spectator with a bad seat.
Home Birthing-Breastfeeding-Cloth Diapering-Baby Wearing-CoSleeping-Delayed/Selective Vaccination Mama to Charlie (5yrs) and Madeline (21mos)
This is kind of how I figured it would be, and how I told him it would probably be. I have read The Birth Partner, and I know that has a lot of good ideas in it, I just need to get it back from my sister so I can kinda go over it again haha. I am hoping that the waterbirth class will help answer his questions.
I think he might just be freaked out because with my son, I had a c/s so there was really only one option for him: stand next to my head. I think the idea that this is not going to be a 20 minute thing with me in one spot the whole time is what may be getting to him, because neither of us know what I am like in labor (My son was born at 36w because he had some heart issues, so I have never even had a real contraction). I hope the waterbirth class and meeting my midwives will help. Thanks so much for the info and advice, ladies! I love this board, you guys are always so informative and helpful