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Natural Birth
blonddnyc
member
cant bring up birth without a fight... vent
blonddnyc
member
i dont know how this always happens, but anytime childbirth is brought up between me and my husband it turns into this crazy argument that leaves me in tears and him not speaking to me. i am so upset right now, just needed to vent.
i have compromised with him and agreed to deliver in a hospital (my first choice is homebirth) and anytime i bring up meeting with midwives, to interview them he goes on and on about how they are not as skilled as doctors and what if there are complications.
his entire view of childbirth is fear based (like much of society) and he doesnt believe that hospitals will "push" you into interventions - he thinks im being paranoid and says they cant force you to do anything. all i want is to assemble a trusted team of midwives and doulas that will protect my birthplan and goal of a natural birth in a hospital setting. he argues with me and says im not considering his opinion, but repeatedly i have said that IF there are any emergency complications, i would not refuse medical treatment - of course if something needs to be done, for me or the baby I would go along with it.
just overall he sees birth as a horrible situation of complications and when i defend midwives by saying that women have been delivering with midwives long before hospitals were built he just says more women and children died from childbirth back then too.
we are going to meet with 3 midwives in 2 weeks, and that day seriously cannot come soon enough. i feel like he puts no credit in anything i say, but if he hears it from them he might finally understand. he says im being selfish with what I want, and not considering his opinions. I said I am - since I compromised and agreed to a hospital birth. After hanging up on him and now crying - i just feel like im in for another 8 months of arguing this point and I really want him to understand my philosophy on childbirth but nothing reaches him. he cant seem to get over the horrible complications that are bound to happen.
uuuggghhh. sorry - but thanks for listening.
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Re: cant bring up birth without a fight... vent
Many midwives are licensed and trained to do everything a dr. would do, that is why hospitals allow them to deliver your baby in a hospital
Try looking up statistical information this tends to help men who are more analytical in their approach to things. Plus all a dr. does usually is "catch" the baby, nothing technical unless there is an emergency, which eventhough we hear a lot of scary stories, is the more rare case.
Its frustrating, but try to remember that one of the reasons DH gets upset about this is because he cares about you and the baby. In the end you will get your way because YOU are having the baby. It can be hard, but you can talk him into it!
I really hate that line. No offense to your DH but I really hate when people talk about how many women and infants died under midwife care before hospitals and OBs. I have a snarky come back for it whenever I hear it-that isn't appropriate here.
MW aren't practicing in the 1600s, they are practicing in 2012 (where they have all the same medical advantages as doctors-they just aren't in the hospitals). My own MWs have said, they aren't going to wait until it's life or death to transfer care if necessary-they will transfer care before it's that emergent. I think that talking to a midwife (or a few) will be a huge eye opener. I would also have him call whatever hospital it is you'll deliver at and get a copy of their admittance paperwork. That paperwork often times (not always, but a lot of times) has a clause that allows doctors to disregard the wishes of the parents in order to "ensure the safety of the child" (that is a direct quote from one of my local hospitals). That was a huge eye opener for my DH&I. It's important to take into consideration things like that. I don't trust someone else to tell me what my body can and cannot handle, nor do I trust them to make the best decision for my child (I do trust them to make the best decision for their malpractice insurance though).
That being said, I have a wonderful OB who fully supports my homebirth plan and even helped me fine my MWs.
Make him watch "The Business of Being Born". That seems to open a lot of men up to natural birth.
And if all else fails, then you pull the "my body, my choice" card. I hope you can come to a reasonable compromise, but the fact is that YOU have to deliver this child and you should get to do that in a way that makes you feel supported and comfortable. When HE is birthing a baby, he may do it any way he wants.
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thanks for all the support ladies. i agree with all of you. and id like to know the snarky comeback about what to say when ppl put down midwife births before hospitals
He has agreed to watch the business of being born, and he is coming to 3 midwife meet and greets with me.
And getting the hospital forms are a good idea, however when it says the hospital will do "anything for the safty of the child" my husband would agree with that! he wouldnt argue it. he is totally sold on hospitals and the medical industry. he just doesnt believe they are a business and that is what i wish he would understand.
keep u posted as well traverse this rocky road in the coming weeks...
I think watching BOBB would be good, hopefully he can have an open mind.
I wonder if he understands how much training midwifes really have, I'd ask the ones you meet with what their training is and how many births they've attended, how they've handled complicated births etc.
and if you're in a hospital, there are many medical professionals there to help if something were to go wrong (god forbid). It's not like you wouldn't be able to get a c-section when it came down to it, they'd bring in an OB to do it, right?
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I really have to disagree with this - I feel that this line of thinking can drive a wedge between a couple pitting them on opposite sides, and who wants that right before the new addition to the family?
I agree with PP who suggest educating him on the facts. BOBB is good, as are childbirth classes. I find that having a third party present information can be especially beneficial because then it doesn't come off as "I'm telling you that I know what's best and you don't!" Hey, if he's willing to meet with the midwives then that's a step in the right direction isn't it? Try not to get too worked up over his reactions to natural birth, he is likely just fearful for you and LO. There is still plenty of time for him to come around!
But isn't that exactly what her Dh is doing? Op, I'm sorry your H is making this such a battle. Make an apt with some midwives, insist your H goes. After the meeting, only then can he down right refuse. And stop rising to the occasion! Screaming like a banchee will only turn him off even more. (talking from experience!) And I would also mention that a MW actually plays a more hands on role during labor. They are able to see the red flags and make changes to help you achieve a vaginal birth, where as OBs tend to read the charts and talk to the nurses, instead of focusing on what the mother's body is saying.
I delivered with OBs. My Ob walked in, checked my charts, made a comment about me being "granola" and walked back out. I didn't see another Ob until Ds was crowning! Fingers crossed he can be more open minded about it!
Make a pregnancy ticker
These are great steps in the right direction!
My DH had similar views as yours when we discussed how I wanted to birth before we'd even conceived. He was adamantly against a natural birth and said he'd never "let" me do that. He was completely engrossed in BOBB and sold within the first half hour of viewing.
The main MW at the center we're using has 29 years of experience (there are three MWs, two doula / assistants and two assistants), and at all of our appointments we rotate who we see so we have equal opportunity to get to know everyone who may participate in our birth. So far, they've all been very attentive towards him at each appointment, address him directly and make sure to answer any questions or concerns he has. At our initial consultation they gave him information on their medical back up team and transfer protocols. All of this has helped him to feel more secure and confident in his ability to support me an my choices.
Best of luck to you both!
My DH was skepitcal of natural birth as well. We are giving birth with a midwife, but she works in a practice that also has OBs. She described it to me as that she would be with us throughout the labor, and if there was a problem (need a c-section or something) or if I opted to get an epidural, the OB would take over the care at that point.
Make sure your DH knows that the hospital wouldn't let a midwife deliver there if it weren't safe. I think my doula worded it the best for my DH, she said "An ob is not trained in natural birth, they are trained in medicalized birth only. Some of them have never even seen a natural birth. Midwives have both the training of medicalized and natural birth."
I hope you are able to convince him that you know what you're talking about. My DH was skeptical too, but I think over time, he just came to respect the amount of time and research that I had put into my decision. Good luck!
Wow, sorry your going through this. He needs to remember if your stressed out it will only hinder your labour and delivery. As the other posters have said, giving men stats etc can help to overcome any preconceived ideas he may have. Coming from Europe, i was amazed to find out that midwives don't deliver your baby in hospitals for a low risk routine birth in the USA (i know a few do but they are hard to find). This actually freaked me out as the normal model of care in Europe is Midwifery for pregnant women. I didn't even know what an OB really was or why i needed one until i started researching maternity care here in the USA.
Both myself and my husband think it is crazy that you need to have a birth plan and have an OB who will be supportive of a natural birth here. Any women i know from home have all had vaginal births, most of whom have done it without drugs or interventions and i had never heard them mention a birth plan. It's actually incouraged to do it free from interventions. Maybe if you give him some stats on maternal/baby death rates from countries like the USA and then countries like for instance The Netherlands and Germany where midwives attend nearly all births and home birth numbers are high he will change his mind. If you can get him to read some books all the better (Ina May's books).
Remind him your not sick, your going through a normal process that women have been accomplishing for all of human history and your body is well adapted to do this too. Of course it's fantastic that we have doctor's available in the small percentage of births were they are needed to step in, but that midwives will be there beside you supporting you through the normal processes of labour and that is what will help you to accomplish the best birth for you and the baby.
Good luck xxx
I mostly lurk here but I'd like to chime in now
I am delivering with a practice that has both OBs and MWs. In the beginning I saw a few OBs and asked one of them what the difference was between the MWs and OBs. (I already did research and knew enought but I wanted to know what she would say.) She told me that the MWs are trained and have the mindset that childbirth is a natural process. They approach most labors that way. OBs are trained that something could go wrong at any moment. She went on to say how wonderful their MWs are and how helpful they are during labor. In the hospital where I will deliver there is always a MW and an OB on staff. If my labor has no complications I will only have a MW with me. If a problem should arise then an OB will step in. She also pointed how that it is ironic but the MWs actually get to deliver more babies than the OBs in their practice because the odds of having a non-complicated birth are greater than needing intervention. I thought it was so cool to hear an OB explain the differences.
You are not being selfish at all. You will need your husband on your side during the labor process so it's best you get this figured out now. At least he is taking the steps and going to the interviews with you. That is a big step for someone who seems somewhat close-minded about MWs. Good luck!
Wow, this is what I was going to write. It sounds like it might be a good compromise that your husband would be comfortable with. If there isn't a similar practice at your hospital, talk to him about how MWs practice under OBs--they have clear guidelines of when they need to consult with an OB and/or transfer care. I had MWs with my first birth, and they had to call the OB after I'd pushed for three hours, even though everything was fine. He came in, agreed with the MW that I was perfectly fine but he'd be willing to do a vacuum extraction if I was up for it (I was NOT, thankyouverymuch, and he respected my wishes, thankfully). Come to think of it, even the OB seemed to think him being there was a formality and the MWs had it covered.
All that to say, hopefully he'll see after talking to a few MWs that they know what they are doing, and know when they are in over their heads (that sounds wrong--know when they have reached the scope of their training?) and need to transfer care.
If you're going to be in a hospital, I don't really see what his fight is for.
There's no difference between the MWs and OBs until a c-section is needed, and at that point they're going to bring in an OB. 99% of the time you're in labor you'll be hanging out in your room, breathing, talking to nurses. I found my MW was in more than the OB was in with my oldest daughter, but still. Generally birth is a long, painful, but boring process. And then they check you, you push, baby out. He could probably do it.
AND in the event of complications, you already agreed to be in the hospital which means there's nurses and equipment and everything needed.
I can see a fight between homebirth and hospital. But if you already agreed to hospital I just don't get why it matters to him if a MW or OB is sitting there when you push.
And I wouldn't give in if I were you. I had an OB (and c-section) with my oldest and a MW and VBAC with my baby. My MW gave better all around care the entire pregnancy and was wonderful while I was in labor. I was at a hospital and didn't end up going natural but I was still very pleased with how everything played out.
Good luck and I hope he comes around.
Baby #4; 7/7/2018
One thing to remember when things get difficult having these discussions with your DH is this: The reason he is so adamant is likely because he is SCARED OUT OF HIS WITS that something could happen to you and/or your baby. That's why he's standing his ground, even if it's not in the most helpful or rational of ways.
Doctors and Midwives can actually work very, very well together. You should check with your hospital to see what sort of feelings they have about this. I was a high risk pregnancy and had no choice about going with a midwife or home birth BUT the nurse that the hospital put in my room for my last day of labor and my delivery was a midwife before becoming a nurse and had a amazing amount of experience with natural childbirth. Most likely, you will see way, way more of your nurses than you ever will of an OB during your labor and delivery process. I labored for >36 hours and only had OB's with me for a grand total of about an hour (three ten minute visits when I was laboring and 30 minutes of my pushing/delivery/repair).
More than likely, due to the way our society and culture is set up, your DH doesn't know anything about giving birth other than what he's seen on TV and in the movies, where it is ALWAYS a doctor and there is almost always some sort of horrible complication. So of course without any better info, your ideas sound weird and dangerous. Definitely get him to a childbirth class or the like, and he will probably calm down and the two of you can find a comfortable middle ground.
You have lots of good suggestions from PP, so I won't repeat all their advice, but just be reassured that it will get better! DH and I had huge fights about this and it made me so upset because we rarely fight about anything else and I really didn't want to fight about our baby.
My DH has come around a little bit (and it sounds like yours is on the way) and also we've just kind of agreed to disagree about some aspects of the birth. (For example, he really doesn't like the idea of the doula, but understands that if a nb is my goal, she will be beneficial to me, so we've got one.) We just don't talk about it much now- he knows what my plans are, he'll be there doing the best he can, and what will be, will be!
Good luck!