Gather round my children
JerkStore213
member
because I'm still floored that all that talk yesterday didn't summon the beast, and i feel like you guys deserve at least something for hangin in there, and lastly, because you guys shared your el saybay or whatever story with us, i will now recount the legend.
BOOK ONE
on a night, just like tonight, a weary traveler was walking down a dark, twisting road. she came upon a meadow in which group of people were all going through a similar life situation at the time. farts and mucus plugs were heartily passed around the blazing fire. times were good.
as good times have a way of doing, this one started to fade, and the group set out together in search of greener pastures. one of the people in the group, whom we will call "shmemshmay," gladly took her place at the front of the pack and led them to her baby daddy's pasture. a new domain, if you will.
this new pasture was plentiful. that first year, there was a high yield of idiot crop to make fun of, as well as juicy secrets shared. but there was also something else brewing under the surface. a dark and sinister force that really only had to do with like four or five people so who really gives a shiit? but it was brewing nonetheless.
anyway, that first year passed without too much incident. i mean there were some incidents, like a fermented cucumber who left her gun safe open and her kid fell down the stairs or sumshit like that. i'd love to share some more tales of yore, but i can't, because what was once a greener pasture is now nothing but a smoking pile of ash so i can't access it. and i'll tell you why...
you see, shmemshmay, the fearless leader, was just not getting the respect she deserved from her people. she had worked so hard asking her boyfriend to put up a web site, and let's not even talk about the PMs she had to wade through, asking her tedious questions like, "can you add a link to my blog on the home page?" and, "hey, i didn't get my gift yet from that elfster exchange. just wanted to let you know." can you even believe that?? being a leader is hard, yo. all those minions and whatnot, hanging on your every word. and when you're hanging out in real life, and your leader says she wants italian for dinner YOU SHOULD EAT ITALIAN FOR DINNER, GOD DAMNIT!
so shmemshmay did what any other person in her situation would do, and the hunger games were born. a few special tributes were selected and mad shiits were talked. but one fiery little tribute was different. she had the potential to bring down shmemshmay's reign of terror, despite the fact that some would argue that shmemshmay "made" her. quickly, shmemshmay started to realize that maybe she wasn't pulling the strings of her puppets as tightly as she thought she was. the special tribute bravely spoke out against the tyrannical leader, and things began to quickly crumble from there...
Re: Gather round my children
Coming to a theater near you...
That was just book one. RTFS!
Don't blink.
Unable to even.
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You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
This is the most tragic part of the story.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
What is a world without pasta?!?!?
You're the devil.
Bump fart
You forgot raw hamburger.
That's not a joke.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
What? Is this not an acceptable summer time snack? Raw hamburger frozen pops?
You can use frozen hamburger to make meat bullets and then kill your enemies and then the bugs and small woodland creatures will eat the meat leaving no trace of it when the authorities discover the body.
CSI taught me this.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
Yeah, right you heard this on CSI. Don't lie, you've done this before.
I'm enjoying today's storyhour.
BOOK TWO
word of an uprising spread quickly through the internetz. the brave tribute's rebeliousness was met with hostile text messages from shmemshmay, and eventually shmemshmay started just texting and emailing everyone. how she got your humble narrator's phone number i do not know, but some things we just don't question, like why is the sky blue, and why if you fart in public do you try to replicate the sound with your shoe, when you know full well that your shoe won't make that sound.
the eve of judgement day, which will go down in history as "emjaygate 2011," was just like any other eve. our protagonists innocently went to the pasture to frolick and found it on fire. it was mayhem. people were trying to save their precious possessions from the burning wreck, but shmemshmay blocked the way, because you know... she owned everything in case you didn't know. it was HER baby daddy's server, so everything belonged to her. one by one, with the exception of a very few, people started to speak out against the horrors inflicted upon them by shmemshmay. as the fire blazed on, shmemshmay reminded everyone that without her, none of the group would even be friends. without her, nobody would have happened to get pregnant at the same time, and stumbled onto the original pasture. shmemshmay made them all who they were. why weren't they more grateful? how dare they smite her? HOW DARE THEY INDEED!
shmemshmay's efforts to control the airwaves were being thwarted by the rebel forces. slowly we came upon the revelation of how shmemshmay rose to power. people did not pay her in money or jewelry. no... she found a much more valuable form of currency. "secrets." said shmamshmay. secrets shared in blind PPD induced rage, personal, private accounts that were told in confidence, chat logs that she was not a part of, yet took the opportunity to read because mentioned, they obviously belonged to her. didn't they?
shmemshmay laughed as she threw rounds and rounds of gasoline onto the fire and threatened to take everyone's private belongings and throw them into the public light. she made blog post after blog post about how much she didn't care about the whole thing. which, let's face it, is what people do when they don't care. blog. right? unfortunately, just like the stories of our ancient forefathers, these have to remain in our memories, as all that's left is some cave drawings and speculation.
the rebels took to the forest once again, not wanting to break ties with each other, in search of a new dawn...
This may be the greatest series of stories seen on TB since the cross-dressing crazy brother.
Unable to even.
********************
You don't understand the appeal of Benedict Cumberbatch / think he's fug / don't know who he is? WATCH SHERLOCK. Until you do, your negative opinion of him will not be taken seriously.
I should probably put this in UO - but I've never read the Hunger Games..... BS ending eh?
Fun fact: the Old Spaghetti Warehouse doesn't have olives. An "Italian" restaurant--without olives. WTMF.
you shut your mouth! i loved the ending. TEAM MOTHEREFFING PEETA!
x100 that last book pissed me off!! right up there with the last season of Lost and the Matrix....argh I'm mad again!
Uh-oh. I probably shouldn't have read this comment, as I haven't quite finished book 3 yet.
What? I'm an incredibly slow reader.
Then I must not be doing my job. Is this not one of the most interesting yarns ever spun? Do you not feel like you were there yourself?