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LGBT Parenting
Need advice about transgender sister
Hi everyone. I'm actually new to this board. I pretty much stick to my Birth Club, but I need your advice. I could ask my mother, who is a lesbian herself, but I'd like the opinion of someone outside my family.
I am expecting my first child in October. This will also be the first niece/nephew for my younger siblings. My question is, how should we refer to my transgender sister once the baby arrives? She was born male, but started identifying as female about two years ago. She's been publicly living (dressing) as a female consistently for about a year. However, at home she will sometimes dress as a male and she still goes by her given name, Bernie (short for Bernard). Also, she will be 16 years old in July. I'm not sure if she ever intends to have any type of surgery. She was taking hormone blockers, but recently stopped.
I've asked her what she would like to be called, "Aunt Bernie" or "Uncle Bernie". She tells me that she doesn't care, but I wonder if she is just saying that to make everyone else happy. My main concern aside from her feelings is causing the least amount of confusion for the baby. Obviously for the first few years he/she will not know the difference, but as they grow older they will learn that Bernie was born a boy and now lives as a girl.
My mother would probably tell me to just refer to her as "Aunt Bernie" and that is fine, but I'd really like your opinions, especially if some of you are transgender or have transgender family members/friends that have gone through similar experiences.
Thank you and I look forward to following this board!
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Re: Need advice about transgender sister
I think it's really thoughtful and sensitive that you are thinking about this, and want to do what is best for your sister.
I think it can be hard when someone is a younger transgender person, because things still seem "up in the air" about the future. But I think the most important part is how the person identifies, and the fact that you call Bernie your sister shows that she identifies pretty strongly as female right now. So I think Aunt Bernie is a frontrunner.
But...another option is to not decide now, and just take the lead from your sister and your kiddo. My mom REALLY wanted to be "Grandma" to my niece, but my niece decided she was "Manga" and that's how it has stayed. So maybe your sister will be just "Bernie" to your baby (unless the titles are very important to you for respect reasons), or another nickname. Or invent a gender neutral title. I like "titi" and "auncle" as suggested here: https://genderqueeries.tumblr.com/titles (sorry, can't make links clicky on the mac)
AMH 0.5, AFC 5-8, FSH 7ish
IVF #1 - antagonist. Empty follicle syndrome. 1 retrieved, 0 fertilized.
IVF #2 - antagonist. Ovulated early. 3 retrieved, 2 fertilized, 0 blasts
Does your sister usually go by female pronouns? Since you referred to her as your sister I am guessing that is how she identifies. If so, since she doesn't have a preference probably just use "aunt" and call it a day if it's important for you to attach a title. You can also take the lead from your sister on it. Maybe she will feel differently once the baby is born. Or, maybe you could mention to her that some people who are more gender fluid or mommas who are butch and not strongly female identified feel more comfortable using a more gender neutral title and that it's fine with you if she wants to use something like that.
Your instincts are spot-on about the timeline for a kid to notice and get confused. You have at least a year or so before any gender fluidity or differences in your sister's outward appearance will be noticed by your baby, so there is a lot of time to work through this. Although I am not a parent, I've worked with little kids and have had conversations with them about same-sex families and gender, specifically around ideas that "boys" and "girls" look and act a certain way. IME little ones are pretty open to accepting what you teach them. They also usually have a lot of questions, so talking about it openly is a great idea. You could tell your child that their aunt Bernie feels like a girl on the inside, but that she was born looking like a boy on the outside and dresses in whatever clothes she feels like wearing (or whatever the details of your sister's specific situation are and how she describes her identity). That could also go along with a gender discussion about clothes - it's okay for anyone to wear the clothes they want, girls can wear pants and boys can wear dresses because that is what makes some people feel the most comfortable. That might be a little much for a 2 year old to understand conceptually, but I'm sure you could water it down to some matter of fact statements that are age-appropriate and your child won't be confused.
I think it's very natural for family members of FTMs or MTFs to not necessarily know exactly how to approach situations when gender related titles are involved. My husband is FTM and his niece and nephew transitioned beautifully to male pronouns and calling him uncle when he started presenting as male. I think part of that was their age, his nephew was five and his niece was three. As MH's nephew got a little bit older he started asking questions about if MH is a boy or a girl, he was old enough to remember when MH presented as female. My Mother in law explained that he is a boy and the next time we were visiting MH had a one on one conversation with him about how some boys are born differently than other boys. The great thing about kids is they are generally very open about things, so he asked a few questions and hasnt had a problem since.
I would say that you should refer to your sister as you normally would. If you normally use female pronouns then use Aunt. You mentioned that you thought she said she didn't care what she was referred to because she wants to make everyone else happy. If that really is the case, I'm sure it would mean a ton to her for you to take the lead on referring to her as Aunt.
Best wishes!
IUI #2 (100 mg clomid and HCG trigger) - BFN
IUI #3 (Gonal-f and HCG trigger) - BFN
IVF #1 - 21 retrieved, 20 mature, 15 fertilized (ICSI), 2 d5 blasts transferred, 8 frozen - c/p
FET #1 - BFFN
FET #2 - BFN? c/p? Either way no baby
FET #3 - No shock...BFN
FET #4 - BFN :-(
Surgery and TTC cancelled - pursuing surrogacy
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