BM#1 is moving her bf in
socloudy99
member
and they met a month ago. Not started dating, not getting serious, MET. He is bringing his son with him.
She told DH she wants to because the kids really like him. They have been around him 4 days. Anyone can be nice/fun/friendly for 4 days. She is mad at my DH b/c he told her it was weird.
She does this often (moves really fast with men) but this is the first time they are moving into her house. Usually she moves into their home. We have moved her out of several bfs homes while they were at work when things go bad (about 6 months after living together).
We can't stop it but we think she is crazy! DH gets to meet him Friday. I will miss it since I have to work. IDK why she thinks them meeting will change his feelings. She doesn't even know this person. Yesterday she was already talking about them buying a house together, this time is different, I have a really good feeling, blah, blah, blah. I have heard all this before. Her best friend told her she is 34 and doesn't need permission. This is true but there children are not 34 and I hope they don't think this is what you are supposed to do!!!!
Re: BM#1 is moving her bf in
I'm so sorry the kiddos have to deal with this. We have a similar issue with our BM "falling" hard for a guy she just started dating and she begins telling K that they're going to get married and be a family (a month after dating). It hasn't worked with any of the guys in the last 6 years. Thankfully though she's only moved in with 2 of those boyfriends, but it still impacts K.
As long as you and your husband are providing as much stability in your home as possible, that's unfortunately all you can do. Kids are smart. They'll see that this behavior isn't normal and/or healthy, and they'll look to you and your husband to set the example for them.
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That can be so dangerous. This man could be a drug addict, abusive or a pedophile..pretty much anything. Should he be a nice, normal guy it's still so wrong. It's more than weird, it's scary.
I think more people should do this! Had to comment to say that. (as well with the overnight guests while your kids are there)
EDIT I want to state that people can do whatever they want as far as living with someone before marriage with or without kids. Personally, I think it's better not to for many reasons.
I'm sure that is irritating that she is moving someone in so suddenly.
That being said, I don't agree with having it in the papers that you can't move in with someone before marriage.
DH and I lived together almost 2 years before we got married. It was actually only supposed to be 1 year before the wedding but we ended up delaying the wedding by almost a year due to unrelated circumstances. I would not have married a man with 3 kids having not lived with him before marriage. We used that time to work out the bugs between our children and parenting styles. A person can be completely different during "visiting hours" than they are at home. When kids are not involved, I actually tend to lean towards marriage first, but blending families is a lot more difficult.
Just to clarify
DH nor I have any problem with living together before marriage. I tend to agree that living together before you promise always is a good thing.
I don't think it is a good way to get to know each other. I don't trust any stranger enough to move them in with my children (including a very pretty 16 year old). I just wish they would have dated and got to know each other before combining the families. Couples work all kinds of bugs out of the relationship during the dating phase which they will now do under the same roof with the children. At least he could go month to month on his apartment during the summer before they make this choice.
Of course they like him! If they're young like my skids, they probably like most everyone, and if they're still in the dating stage they probably still do really fun things together. Wait until after the "honeymoon phase"! Our BM was with her ex-BF for four years and they lived together and shared a lot of the responsibilities regarding the kids (transfer to and from daycare, school, watching them when daycare was closed, etc). BM works WAY too much for someone who has three kids, and the BF got stuck playing nanny, especially when he lost his job and was home all the time. He must have snapped, because he started treating the kids badly (verbal abuse) and just didn't take care of them like he used to. Needless to say he left BM and I don't blame him.
Now she's with a new guy and it's been about two months. He already sleeps over often, according to the kids. And he has a 3yo daughter who's always with him! So now there are three young children being thrown into a new "family" that who knows how long it'll last? I don't get how these mothers can think it's okay to confuse their kids like this! But like a PP said, just continue to be a good example of a good marriage in your own home, and hope the kids grow up to know what's right.
PS: I agree with the "no overnights or living together before marriage" amendment in the CO! Too bad DH didn't think of that earlier! Remember people, it's about the kids!
^^ This. My husband and I lived together before we got married, however we were engaged when we moved in together. He has a child, and I have 2, and we needed to give the kids time to adjust to being all together. Getting married and then immediately moving in together seemed like a lot of change all at once.
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Just to clarify my point, as well, by no means am I saying anyone should move someone in without having known the person long enough. And I definitely disagree with moving someone in after only 1 month.
I am just stating that I don't like the clauses in the CO. DH and I were dating for 1 year before we moved in together but I have known him since he was born so obviously our situation is much different than the BM in the OP.
BM got divorced and was dating a new guy within about a week of each other last August. The new guy moved in to her apartment in late Oct and they got engaged NYE. When DH found out she had a new guy and he was staying the night when SD was there he ran a background check, had a PI check the guy out and talked to his sister (BM's BFF). We still don't trust the guy and he has some questionable stuff in the past but since SD has been with us more than BM lately DH doesn't want to push it yet.
The questionable stuff is nothing abusive or anything that would make us think he would hurt SD but enough to cause concern. Also he has 5 kids and SD doesn't even know they exist. That is all big red flags for us but since BM is having more fun hanging out with him than being with SD (so we get more time) we aren't pushing it yet. She is only over there EOW from late Fri-Sun at 5 and 1 night a week and he is usually working and she goes to bed within an hour of going over there.
when BM seperated from DH SD was 6 months old. she filed the paperwork to divorce DH and immediately moved out of DH's house into a new boyfriends house. with his 6 month old daughter. He is a cop so I'm sure he did some digging (I didn't know him at the time and honestly never wanted to talk about it)
BM and the boyfriend broke up with SD was 2 and BM moved back in with her mom. thank god SD has no recollection of that time in her life.
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