Advice for mother of daughter with absent father

ambernichole9986 · April 2012

My daughter's father has abandoned her. He went as far as sending me a legal request to terminate his parental rights (tpr). I have not signed the papers. Part of his family acts as if they want to be a part of my daughter's life, but they are not very active in it now, & they are very ugly to me sometimes. His mother tries to force him to be a part of our daughter's life, & of course always ends up failing. She never wants to accept he doesn't want any part in our daughter's life. She blamed me for a while, thinking I told him he couldn't see her, and now blames his current girlfriend thinking that she won't let him see our daughter. She never seems to see he is making his own decision not to be a part of our daughter's life.
Although my daughter is only 9 months old right now, I feel like I need to start making some decisions. I have asked his mother to please communicate with other family members and find out what kind of role they would like to play in my daughter's life. & of course she has not done so yet. I have no objection to them being in her life as long as they always put her best interest first. But I am concerned about many things. Should she know they are her grandparents and call them grandma and grandpa? What happens when she is old enough to realize that her father is their son. Will that hurt her? What will happen when she realizes her cousins have an Uncle that she does not? Is it in her best interest to raise her to know them as Mr. and Mrs.? What are we supposed to tell her when she asks about her father? Can I trust they will answer her the way we decide, or will they be too emotional and try placing blame on me and the current girlfriend? Is it going to hurt her that she an't attend certain family events because he will be there and doesn't want to see her? These are the kinds of questions I am looking for answers to.

Does anyone know of any books, online resources, anything to help me decide what is the best thing for my daughter?

MsJosie · April 2012

I can't offer advice but I wish my LO's father would terminate his rights. He's hardly around anyway and when he is he's no good. I'm curious to see if there are books out there. I have a few questions of my own. I don't feel comfortable with her calling him dad when she doesn't even hardly know him. And he tells her he loves her and he's only seen her 6 times in her life. How can he love her when we doesn't even know her? ( it just shows how fake he really is) And his mom wants to be called Mimi when my mom is called gramma. I don't need her confused nor calling his mom Mimi. I hope someone knows of some books.

Applexx · April 2012

Oldest DD's dad refuses to give up his rights, but he also refuses to spend any time with her. It's sad because she regularly asks for him, and I have nothing to say because he is always "too busy" when I ask him if he can take her for a night or day or something so she can see him. One time his excuse for not seeing her was he had a baby shower for his son (baby number 3 for him, DD was number 1 started a trend I guess). Seriously?! Stop having children if you don't have time for them all. And if you don't, then just sign the papers.

Sometimes it is better for children to have no one than someone who comes in and out of their life.

FyreFlyeRush · April 2012

My ex didn't want anything to do with DD when she was little. He would quit his job if the state found him. He didn't tell anyone she even existed. However, he didn't terminate his rights, either. Eventually, he became part of her life. It took 12 years.

When that question comes up..."where's my dad?" or the really heart breaking one, "Why doesn't my dad love me?" I answered this way every time:

"You father loves you. He just doesn't know how to love you the way you deserve. But, he absolutely loves you. Some parents know their children are better off without them in and out of their lives, and I think that's how he is. And, sometimes, that means making the hard choice to stay away. Never question it, he loves you."

After a while, they learn for themselves. They become mature enough to understand what happened, and they know what you did for them. Just love her with everything you have, and do your best. Don't down talk him. Don't bad mouth him. Defend his actions...flat out LIE if you have to...and she'll be ok.

June2008baby · April 2012

I'm going through this right now myself. DD is 3 and hasn't seen her dad in over a year. He lives 20 minutes away and just hasn't seen her for I don't know what reason. I guess cuz he's working and he sees that as a legit excuse to not see her. Or because he got a new girlfriend, got engaged, married, had another daughter (baby #5) and sees that as he's too busy to drive the 20 mintues to come get her. I'm not sure. I have not spoke to him or heard from him. I think in the long run she's better without that entire side but I know she needs to have a daddy around. But all of a sudden she's started talking about daddy and cita (grama/his mom who doesn't want to be called grama) so we've had to start answering questions. Who's my daddy? Where's he at? What's his name? Why isn't he around? Why do my friends have a daddy and I don't? How do answer these questions to a 3 year old? I'm at a loss and so stressed about it. I answered truthfully and simply. "He's not around. Not all daddies are around and not all families have a daddy in them. Everyone has a daddy somewhere, but not all daddies are around. Some mommies and daddies don't stay together. Your daddy is not around." No bashing. Simple and truthful. She seemed content with the answers and the questions stopped at that point but then she started talking about daddy again this morning in a story she was telling as we were getting ready for daycare. It's hard to see that she sees the image of daddy glorified as this great person who is so loving and giving and does so many wonderful things, as it should be. I only wish it was true in her life. I want that for her. I want her to experience that. She deserves it.

mamastich · April 2012

I have a daughter with a dad who would rather send a check and never check in.

I also grew up with a dad that didnt want anything to do with us. We still go at it and im 25, my mom handled it amazing. She never spoke poorly of him and let us love him or hate as we chose. Now we know he was a 'bad' parent and that my mom just put her head down and took care of us. I would stay focused on LO, never speak poorly the the father and when she wants to try and reach out to him let her... its hard Im sure but she will grow up knowing you were there and he was just not a great person.

littlelovelolo · April 2012

I don't know of any books on the subject. I'm going through a similar situation, although DD's father isn't signing his parental rights away, and he can't see her because he permanently lives halfway across the world (though even if he were here, I doubt he'd see her often). My course of action has been to take absolutely no action. I don't encourage him to talk to her, because it's clear to me that he doesn't want to, although I make sure that when he wants to, he has access to her through Skype and phone calls, etc.

As for his family, his parents are still her grandparents and his siblings are her aunt and uncles. His niece is her cousin, and so forth. I keep in contact with them, keep our relationship up, tell them how she's doing, but I completely leave her father out of the conversation. The bottom line is that they are her family, and they have every desire to want to be, so I make sure that they are, and I honestly think that's something that your LO needs too. So what if her dad is a scuzzbucket? She'll still want to know where she came from, who her father's family was, etc. Treat it like an open adoption, almost. She'll learn about her father eventually, and probably sooner than you think. Don't badmouth him, and make sure she knows the difference between a dad and a father, because clearly that's all this guy was - a sperm donor.

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