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Baby Names
middle name controversy
Hello, its been forever since I've written on here, and now I'm two weeks from my due date! Crazy! I'm starting to get a little stressed about our little boy's name, as his arrival is approaching fast and my husband and I aren't in full agreement.
We know his first name (Ronan or Ronin - still arguing on the spelling), but the middle name is the real trouble. We always said it would be David after my husband's dad, whom I adore, but then...my brother Jesse died in February, of a drug overdose. Unfortunately my husband never really knew the good side of my brother, who I knew as funny, athletic, an animal lover, amazing singer, charmed anyone he met and would never hurt a fly. My husband knew an anxiety and depression-ridden thief, addict, and someone who could never get his life together. He wasn't even able to make it to our wedding. He says he'd have a hard time explaining to his son why we named him after such a person. I totally understand that. On the other hand, it just feels right for me to honor my brother, and the good person who I grew up with and knew he was.
I'd just like some thoughts from people who are outside of the situation, if you're interested in responding. We've talked about two middle names...I'm not sure my husband can commit to Ronan/in Jesse, but maybe Ronan/in Jesse David...? Too much? Thank you for any supportive comments.
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Re: middle name controversy
I understand your point of view, and I understand your husband's point of view. I think in this situation though, I might have to side with your husband. I think that is too much to give to your child in the form of a namesake. He will want to know about his uncle, and you can't not tell him the truth.
I think what I would do is 1. spell it Ronan and 2. compromise on a name that your DH likes, but starts with the letter J.
Condolences for your loss.
I think that Ronan David Jesse or Ronan Jesse David would be fine. Yes, you would have to explain to your son someday that he was named after a beloved uncle whose illness turned him into someone who hurt himself and others, but that that didn't change the fact that you loved him. I think a name like that would actually be a good signal to your son that you will love him unconditionally. There are some addiction struggles in my husband's family, and I sometimes think about how we will explain to our kids that their family history puts them at increased risk for addiction, so they will need to be mindful of that predisposition ? things that seem like fun or experimentation to other kids can really be dangerous for them. Not that your son's name should be a cautionary tale for him. You should give him the name out of love for your brother and treat any conversations that grow out of that as good opportunities for honesty and openness.
If your husband is really uncomfortable with using your brother's name, you might compromise by finding another name that reminds you of him. Did he have a favorite musician? Writer? Poet? Is there a flower or place that reminds you of him? All of those things could make good middle names.
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I personally don't like 2 middle names.
I can also really identify with your situation. I lost my brother 3 years ago to an overdose. I'm sorry for that void in your life and the loss you probably feel everyday. If your situation is like mine, you probably have a lot more good memories of your brother than bad ones, and if you want to use Jesse, I would try and convince your husband of it.
For me personally I've forgotten about a lot of the bad things my brother did the longer time goes on. I know he really struggled with his addiction and there was a lot of times that I just did not like him, but there were a lot of good qualities about him too.
Good luck with your decision!
Nancy James 9.1.12
Calvin Donald 8.27.14
I agree with your husband. Your son should be named after someone special to both parents, and if your husband doesn't get the warm and fuzzies when thinking about your late brother, then it isn't fair to insist upon that name. I understand that you knew a different version of him and that his death is fresh in your mind, but down the road, I think you'll both be happier using David. Using 2 middle names is annoying IMO. It just looks like you couldn't decide (unless it is actually a cultural tradition in your family or something) and will be a pain for your son.
Also FWIW, I like the Ronan spelling better.
What about Ronan Jared (starts with J honoring Jesse but sort of blends in the sounds of David?
There's nothing wrong per se about having two middle names but I think it is likely to be either troublesome or one will just end up getting dropped.
For what it's worth, I think that it's really sweet of you to honor your brother and perhaps you might tell your husband (if you haven't already) some more about what memories of him you are trying to honor. You will never owe your son an explanation of why you named him after a drug addict whatever. You will only have to tell him you named him after your sweet brother who lived too short a life.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Regarding the name, while I do understand your desire to honor your brother, I think your husband's perspective needs to be honored. Your son is equally his, and if he is not comfortable honoring your brother in this way (and hasn't yet reconciled his feelings about your brother), then I think it would be unfair to ask him to name his son after your brother. Or to put it another way, both spouses need to be in agreement when naming, especially in weighty matters like this one.
My husband wanted to name our son Peter (after his uncle who died under tragic and painful circumstances before I met him). He loves the name and has fond memories of his uncle, but his death was so tragic in nature that it's rarely talked about. I hated to do it, but I had to veto the name. I felt uncomfortable tying our son to this tragic story, I had little to no connection to this uncle (just the sad associations with his story), and there were plenty of other family members we could honor as well as other ways to honor the memory of his uncle. I also feared using the name would be painful for his parents and grandparents. I am glad my Dh respected my comfort level! We've now found two names we love that will work for us.
I am so very sorry for your loss. There isn't much more can add other than what the previous posters have added other than to say I think you should save Jessie for a future child, when the would are not so fresh. As time passes, more of the bad memories will fade while the good ones return.
What about your brother's middle name? Could you use that for this or a future child. What about your Father?
So sorry to hear about your loss and his struggles with addiction. I understand how you mourn not who he was when he passed, but the person who was deep inside. The person that you loved and cared for. My thought and prayers go to you and your family.
On the naming side of things. I think that it is very important for your DH to be comfortable with this decision to include your brothers name. My brothers has two middle names (Cameron Robert Henry) and we always loved it, joking how you knew how much trouble he was in by how many names he was called. I also like the option of Ronan Jay, honouring him with the first letter of his name.
I also prefer the spelling Ronan over Ronin.
Good luck choosing a name!