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Blended Families
Bringing a second baby into already blended family
Hello,
I'm just looking for a little advice, your opinions, etc. My DH and have been married for 9 months and we have a 5 month old DD. I also have an 8 year old SS. Recently DH and I have been having a conversation about having additional children. He says he doesn't want anymore, he has a boy and a girl, so he's good. We only have my SS every other weekend and sometimes during the summer. I'm having a hard time saying that I'm ok with just having one together. I know he's like my child and I'm the mommy when he's with us, but fact is, he's not mine and I'm not his mommy. So has has 2 kids that are his own, but I do not. Truthfully, I don't know if I really want more myself, or if I'm just upset that he says he doesn't want more with me... Our DD was unexpected, not unwanted, just unexpected, but now that she's getting bigger I can't say for sure that I won't ever want another one. Has anyone else been in this situation? Have any advice?
Thanks!
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Re: Bringing a second baby into already blended family
My advice is too late, but you should have had this conversation before children. Now you have 2 options. Do not have more children, and possibly end up resenting your husband because you now only get one biological child of your own. Option 2 don't prevent pregnancy. Have another oops, and let him possibly resent you because he didn't want anymore. FWIW, my husband said he was done after I had our daughter. I happened to get pregnant again when my daughter was 3 months old. It was not on purpose, was a complete oops, and I was terrified my H was going to be angry. While having 3 kid is hard my H loves our son and we have a very happy family. (also, I was fine with having only one of my own, and my H and I had discussed all this prior to marriage).
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
We had this same convo about a year ago when we were talking about getting engaged. At the end of the day H came around. For him it was more worry about finances than not wanting more. He said if we hit the lottery he would like to have five or six. In the mean time we are planning two but my pregnancy has been so incredibly rough that I might change my mind and go to one.
He also won a lot more time with SS so he doesn't feel guilty any more having a second family while SS is being raised primarily away from him. Now SS and our future kids are part of the same family not another if that makes sense. Also helped that when asked SS said he wanted lots of brothers and sisters.
I personally don't think this is a decision one person can just make. I think you need to weigh pros and cons, look at your overall financial goals and future wants and the needs of the other children and come to an intelligent, thought out decision together. If its just no because he says so you will feel a ton of resentment towards him and if it's just yes because you say so you risk him resenting you. It has to be a big picture decision
Since it sounds like you don't even know what YOU want, just give it more time! DD is only 5mo? Your family prob hasn't fully adjusted to having her around yet!
I agree with PP about YH maybe just being worried about finances though. Just the other day I asked DH if we could start TTC sooner than July (before getting married we'd said we'd wait till we've been married a year, which is July 10th) and he very firmly said no. I of course got all emotional, thinking he didn't really want another kid (we have SD6 and SS4). He said he just wants to stick to our original plan so that we can get our lives lined up better. He had hoped we'd own a house by now, but we're actually just starting to save for a down payment. So he's worried having a baby is going to postpone that even more. I understand, but IMO, if you wait until you can afford a baby, you'll never have one! And I'm ready, damit!
Definitely should have been discussed prior to marriage. My husband and I discussed future children 2 months into the relationship because he had 3 from his first marriage and I had none. We discussed that if we ended up married down the line, he was looking forward to (god willing) having 2 children together and then being done. This was great for me as I wanted 2 of my own.
It sounds to me like no matter what way it goes, one of you will be unhappy and thats unfortunate.
Give DH and yourself some time. Dh and I talked about it before we got married and we had decided on 2 of our own. He didn't want 4 all together - he has a daughter from another relationship. I thought I wanted 3 of my own but I wasn't sure so the issue dropped. we had our two but had trouble getting pregnant. after the second we decided not to take any precautions and DH confirmed that he would be okay if somehow we got pregnant again. low and behold we did get preggo. he handled the news better then i did.
Things change and you both may change your mind.