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MBandBud
member
Help me think through this
MBandBud
member
I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out what DD (22 months) needs and avoid anything that will set her off. I am always attempting to redirect if she is cranky. I also try to have foresight into what sets her off and avoid those things. I am probably more anxious than I should be about it; I say this because I can feel my anxiety at times.
On the flip side, I feel like DH doesn't have the insight to realize things what will set DD off; either that or he doesn't - for lack of a better word - care. Examples: her toy animals are in front of the back door - instead of picking them up he uses his foot - DD is watching him from her high chair - I feel like - could you not just pick them up instead of possibly setting her off over this? Another example: I am about to bring DD to bed, we are standing in front of the snack cabinet - when he opens it and is sifting through it for himself. Really? Do we need to chance that she'll say "snack, snack, snack?" and upset her just before bed? I feel like I am being nitpicky but I also feel like there is no concern for the impact of these types of actions. I also feel like while he is very involved with DD, moreso than many other Dads, it is on his own time - if/and when he feels like it, unless I ask 'can you give her a bath, can you play with her for 20 minutes so I can xy'. He'll play with her at other times, but it seems very, I don't know, inconsistent?
I feel like I could use to chill out and not nitpick - but I also fell like there is no regard of how Dh's actions impact DD and I. What say, fellow mommas? Is this my own anxiety at play here? Is this just the way DH's are and I need to just accept it and not nit-pick? Thanks for any words of wisdom.
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Re: Help me think through this
DH will do some of this, too (mostly not realizing how avoiding/not doing/doing little things will make the day or bedtime easier on everyone). Most of the time, I let it happen - and then he can see the "fall out." I then will just chime in something like, "yeah, I've noticed that if I do xyz at this time, it is a problem, so I try to wait until after she is in bed." With as little attitude in my voice as I can muster! Or, sometimes, I just don't say anything constructive and just casually point out what is making her upset if he asks me.
Because, in reality, he needs to learn these things for himself. Being told or nagged on for doing something isn't the best way for it to stick, in my experience. He needs to live it, see it, understand her and what makes her tick for himself. I also think it gives him more "ownership" in parenting, too. There are so many things that I am better at or the kids prefer me for... I really try to limit what I nitpick, nag, or tell him to do. I reserve that for the major parts of the routine. A small tantrum here isn't going to hurt anybody, and can be a good learning opportunity (for the parent AND for the kid... the kids need to learn to cope with the small things, too).
Because we're fancy like that.
I used to try to avoid situations like eating a snack when I knew it would set D off too, but then he realized where the snacks are kept and now all bets are off on that one. But I do get what you are saying, it is easier most the time to work your way around certain things and know they are coming.
Have you tried having your H be the one to say "no" and deal with the tantrum when he is the one setting it off? That may help you change his view point when he realizes how hard it is at times to deal with.
I am the what feels like full time caregiver too and H had the same reaction to it as it seems your H does. He does what he does and unless asked does not do things on his own. I did set an hour up after mealtime where I was dishes and the kitchen and H spends time with D nightly. That kind of helps and H knows what is expected of him without having to guess.
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This is a great idea, IMO. I think having a set of predictable responsibilities/activities that are "his" can be really helpful for dads who otherwise feel kind of clueless. Again, something for him to take ownership over, do his own way (even if it isn't the way YOU would do it), and not have to be told to do it or guess what should happen at that time.
Because we're fancy like that.
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It really helps to think that by letting her get upset it will teach both of them. I do worry that me being overly conscientious is going to spoil her - and I don't want that either. It is really hard for me to think I can make something better and not take action on it.
It is good to know that I'm not the only one who's DH behaves in this manner - I think it is normal - the aloofness, etc. but it is hard not to take it personally. I did try to set some expectations early on about what he could be responsible for - but the things that he was responsible for she's grown out of (cleaning bottles, bottles ready for daycare) - so we shuold revisit. He is also responsible for changing her sheet, b/c it's a pita in the crib - but I find myself having to say "it is time to do this" after it has been way long. I guess I need to be more specific.
I had thought about setting up specific time where he is responsible for her - but if I am around she clearly wants me and it makes it hard to do anything. I try to incorporate her but you know how it is. I guess that is called motherhood and I need to accept it.
Thanks for letting me vent and your great suggestions.
Your DH sounds JUST like mine. I made up a time like PP above. I brought it up by saying that I didn't like how DD always prefered me to him. I said they needed more quality time together. So, I said it would be a good idea if he got her cleaned up from dinner, pj's on, and put her to bed after some snuggle time. She gave him some grief the first night, but now they are much closer and he makes more initiative with her. It's very nice.
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So when the tantrum happens you just walk away? I mean, he will probably just do the same - which might not be a bad strategy and where DD learns to get over the little stuff. This will probably be good but difficult for me. I think I need to start a sticker chart for myself
Column 1: Momma didn't nag at DH 2: Momma didn't respond to useless whining 3: Momma didn't respond to tantrum...
My ONLY response to tantrums is to walk away and completely ignore her. I don't cater to them at all. As long as she is tantrum-ing in a place where she can't hurt herself, then I don't worry about it. She has learned that pitching a temper-tantrum gets her exactly nowhere with either of us.
I will tell her "Mommy is going in the kitchen. When you are ready to talk and behave nicely, you come find me" and I leave her be. It doesn't take long for her to get her act together and come find me.
My ONLY response to tantrums is to walk away and completely ignore her. I don't cater to them at all. As long as she is tantrum-ing in a place where she can't hurt herself, then I don't worry about it. She has learned that pitching a temper-tantrum gets her exactly nowhere with either of us.
I will tell her "Mommy is going in the kitchen. When you are ready to talk and behave nicely, you come find me" and I leave her be. It doesn't take long for her to get her act together and come find me.
I think it's a mistake to go through life trying to make sure nothing upsets her. Not showing her a bag of chips that she can't have is one thing, but it isn't realistic to make sure that life is always just how you like it. How will she learn to deal with things if she never has to? Maybe I'm not getting what you mean, though. What difference does it make if he uses his foot to push toys out of the way? For me if Daniel started screaming over that I would say "what's the matter with you? stop that". And if it really bothered him I'd say "then don't leave your toys there". It just doesn't seem like the adults should be catering this much to the kids.
I have a friend who is constantly trying not to let her LO get upset. Constant snacks, the iPhone, etc. - every time she makes a peep. It looks exhausting and that could be coloring my view of what you're saying.
It is. I do have limits - so I don't always give her what she wants -but it is my #1 priority to make sure she is happy - so if I say no to one thing I find a pleasing alternative. And it's not healthy for anyone, probably not my marriage the most. I really think I just needed to hear this today and I really appreciate what everyone had to offer without being overly critical. I hope I can adjust. Thank you for all your input.
Would it help to think of her overall happiness, rather than just moment to moment? I get what you're saying. But crying is kind of what they do - you know what I mean? It's over quickly and then they're on to something else - when we don't make a big deal out of it. Some days mine will be "furious" with me often throughout the day, or at least if feels like that. But overall he is one of the happiest kids I've ever seen. Joyous in fact. The times they don't get their way seem to affect us more than them.
I don't want to come off like a know it all - there are days I've cried when he went to bed because I felt like all I've done is fight with him. But I think these early years are critical to set the tone for the kind of battles we'll be fighting in the future. I watched one of my brothers with his first daughter. It seemed like for the first 3 years it was constant correcting and reminders (Stop that, don't push, say excuse me and most of all - STOP THAT). But then she just knew and it got easier. That's what I try to tell myself anyway.