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June 2011 Moms
magnoliablossom00
member
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Ladies, I need some encouragement.
magnoliablossom00
member
DH and I were not planning on having another baby for several years. We have been struggling slightly with our marriage and I had a really rough pregnancy.
Fast forward to this month. We had sex ONE time and used a condom. My period was 3 days late, so I POAS this morning. Three tests are telling me that I'm pregnant and due December 26th.
I feel horrible. I do NOT want to be pregnant, but don't agree with abortion (not trying to start an argument). All I can think about is getting an abortion and having things go back to normal. I am not excited at all. I cannot stop crying and thinking that my planned out life is forever changed for the worse. I keep looking at DD and thinking that I robbed her of our precious "me" time. I keep thinking about my rough pregnancy and PPD/PPA and how horrible it will be again. I keep thinking that I'm angry and will resent the baby.....
I feel like a terrible mother and person to even admit these things. Please encourage me. I don't know what to do and feel so very hopeless and alone. (DH doesn't want to be pregnant either, fwiw).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Ladies, I need some encouragement.
I will preface by saying I am pro choice but also not an advocate of abortion.
You are absolutely not a bad person for admitting these feelings to yourself. With a due date of 12/26 you still have the next few weeks to decide what your plans are for this preganacy. With all that you are feeling get a grip on what you feel is best for you before sharing with your DH. I think you are not in the position at this time to have someone else who does not necessarily share the same long term plans as you weigh in on your decision. This is all really sudden. Let it sink in before making a choice. Don't rush to any decision.
a.) you are being a good mother by being honest. keep being honest, keep being real, and keep being true. when you start to hide, start to worry.
b.) I can absolutely imagine your feelings. I would also be extremely overwhelmed, scared, and thinking of every option.
c.) a very good friend of mine got pregnant after having sex ONCE when her baby was about 10 months old. it was a rotten pregnancy (her first was easier), they moved countries when she was 7 months along (it was already planned and could not be rescheduled for visa reasons), and they had already purchased a house that needed a lot of work. Frankly, it was an awful period in her life. She and both children ended up having to stay long-term at a hospital because she just. couldn't. handle. it. anymore.
why am I sharing her story? now, 18 months later, she is in a super good place and told me recently that it was tough but it was right. if she could, she would go back and change one thing: she would ask for help much more often and far earlier.
Best luck with your decision and the rest of your process. Stay honest. Stay real.
Admitting feeling this way doesn't make you terrible, it makes you strong. Do you have a therapist you see after the PPD and PPA? I definitely think you could benefit from talking it out with someone. And again, doing that makes you strong, and makes you a GOOD mom because you are willing to step up.
*hug* I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that I have multiple friends with 2 under 2, and they were scared to death of what it would mean for their first LO. They are busy mamas now, but they all love having the close siblings.
Ok time to take a deep breath, when things happen when we aren't expecting it or they happen in way we did want happen their is a reason. Life happens we pick ourselves up and move on.
As for the feeling of not wanting to be pregnant and having an abortions cross your mind, you're human you're not perfect and neither is anyone else. Give yourself time to adjust, you are not robbing your DD of anything. She will be gaining so much more, take your time enjoy both the pregnancy and DD. As a mom of 5 trust me you always have enough of you to go around even the days you don't think you can. You can do this all will be ok.
This was my reaction. I have felt horribly guilty. I cried. DH wasnt even sure he wanted a second, but when I told him, he was thrilled. It caught me completely off guard. It has taken some time for me to get used to the fact that DS and LO will be 17 months apart, but I have come around.
About a week after I found out, I was lying on the floor playing with DS. He lifted my shirt up and kissed my belly. It was my sign that everything is going to be alright.
My sister had a very unplanned, inconvenient second pregnancy very soon after her first. She struggled with the same emotions you expressed for all of her pregnancy, and felt extremely guilty that she wasn't excited. Well, her baby is a month old now and she can't imagine life without him. It can be tough, but she is so glad to have her boys. You wont resent the baby when its born.
I suck at links, but here's a blog post that my sis sent me that deals with your emotions as you have LO1, 2, and 3. Its very well written. https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/29/one-two-three-4/
I am sorry that this came about in a way that you hadn't planned, but congratulations and you can do it!
I agree with all of this. Also, something to share with you regarding your current LO and feeling like you're robbing her of your time...Any time your current little one has with you as the only child is more than any other child you have will ever get. They will never be the only child. So if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy just enjoy the next 8 months with your LO and know you're doing what's right for your family either way. I planned my second child and I still had moments of complete regret and felt like I was going to resent my son. Now I wouldn't change it for the world and he and DD are best friends. Good luck in any decision you make. We'll all be here for support.
I'm so sorry you're struggling this. I second the previous suggestions you've gotten about speaking with some sort of neutral third party (preferably a trained therapist).
It wasn't clear from your post whether or not you've told your husband yet, but I also agree with those that have said you may want to take a little time to yourself to process your own emotions first.
Good luck. You can do this.
You can do it, mama! I'm so sorry it's very, very unplanned and even undesired at this time, but that doesn't mean that it won't turn out to be one of the very best things that ever happened to you.
There are so many reasons that pregnancies are almost 10 months long. Even with my planned second pregnancy, it took a long time to process what was going to change. You have a LOT of time to come around to the idea -- and even if it takes til the delivery room, I promise that you will love that baby the same way you love your first. Agree with the pp that the first is the only one that gets "me" time -- any other kids, no matter the spacing, don't get that, and they're just fine. They also get more experienced parents, a built in playmate from the get-go, etc. It's a trade-off.
Take time and process it the best you can. Speak to a therapist about residual PPD/PPA. See a marriage counselor. The good news is that there are not a lot of big decisions to make at this time...just take it one day at a time. What you're feeling is totally and completely normal -- you're gonna be ok!
I was going to say something about this too. My sister and I are 15 months apart. I never ever felt robbed of time with my mom. In fact, having a sister so close was one of the best things about my childhood.
I remember being so terrified when I found out that I was having twins. I felt so guilty. I would never be able to have lots of quality one on one time (not true, but that's what I thought), I was sinking us financially, etc. Now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Give yourself some time for the shock to set in. You can get through this.
Good luck with your decision.
Good blog post! Here's the clicky link:
https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/29/one-two-three-4/
I am so sorry that you are facing this difficult decision. None of us can tell you what the right choice for you is, but we can say that we will support you, no matter what you choose.
You've got a private message in a sec
I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your DH and are now feeling added stress from this unplanned pregnancy. Your feelings are totally normal, and you shouldn't have to feel bad about them -- feelings are just feelings! I remember reading books in preparation for my first pregnancy saying that pregnancy is an emotional thing and that it's perfectly normal, especially early on in a pregnancy, especially in an unplanned one, to feel overwhelmed, scared, or even sad. I agree that it would be a good idea to talk to someone you can trust, like a counselor, to work through your feelings. Nothing good comes from bottling them up.
You can absolutely get through this difficult time, make it through another pregnancy, sort things out with your DH, and be a wonderful mom to both of your LOs. You're not depriving your LO #1 of anything... you are giving them a sibling! My sister recently told her "baby" (now 3) that she is expecting a baby, that there is a baby growing in her belly, and he wasn't resentful or mad or anything like that. He just asked, "Can I see it?"
Good luck. Lots of prayers coming your way.