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Blended Families
Some advice? Pretty please?
I am in a pretty permanent relationship and SO has a baby. LM is a little under a year old, and I'll be honest, the kid has pretty much stolen my heart. I've known him since a little after he was born, and while I was hesitant to get too attached at first, I feel sort of okay about doing it now. HOWEVER! I do also still feel a tiny bit awkward about caring for LM and being affectionate with him since he isn't my child, even though SO encourages it and tells me that he is glad I am. I almost feel out of line doing so, but since we have had lots of discussions and more or less have made plans to stay with each other for at least a while, it will be inevitable that I am going to be a part of this child's life, no matter how small a role it may be. I understand this board is manly for people with SS/SD's, but I figured you guys would know about this type of thing best.
So, my question is:
Do you ever feel awkward showing your affection for your SO's other children? If so, why? Do you think it is strange of me to care a lot about LM?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Some advice? Pretty please?
No, it is not strange for you to want to be affectionate and love SO's baby as you do and it's not strange for you to be smart enough to be cautious.
My only advice is go with your gut and what you believe to be right. And if anything makes you cautious or want to go forward with trepidation - look cautiously and openly at it and see it for EXACTLY what it is.
What I meant by that, is that we have talked very seriously about "the long haul." However, neither of us in a rush to get married. Mostly due to emotional baggage on both our ends. So, while we are very committed, marriage is a bit out of the question at this point. Trust me, I've thought what would happen to LM's heart if we got attachted and then SO and I broke up. That is a big part of the reason I am cautious. On one hand, LM, even as young as he is, really does seem to like me. He gives me kisses, slobbers all over me (yay teething! c: ), loves to play with me, seems to get excited when he sees me, ect. And to be frank, I think he is amazing. I feel privileged to be a part of LM's life. On the other hand? Well, like you said, if SO and I break up when he gets older, that could be pretty terrible for LM.
I guess it isn't a question of commitment, more one of "is this attachment in LM's best interests?" If me and SO broke up right this second, it might not even blip on LM's radar... but at 4 or 5?
All I really know is that I love this man to death, and ditto for his little boy. Which, not being his mom, puts me in an awkward place, right?
Oh ok then I misunderstood, sorry about that. If you feel you can make a commitment to this man AND his child then by all means move forward just know that this road is not always an easy one to walk. In all honesty before you choose to proceed I would look at the relationship your BF has with BM because in blended family situations that can make all the difference. I guess what I am trying to say is there are many factors to consider. It is very important that if you choose to develop a relationship with the man, that you also develop one with the child because with any good parent you don`t get one without the other. Like I said let the child be you your guide in terms of affection. You will get more comfortable in time.
There is nothing wrong with a loving adult in his life - even if you two did not last and seperated. The fact that he has a loving, giving, positive woman in his and his father's life can not be wrong.
Go with it.
It's okay to worry a little bit about that and want to naturally protect him and yourself from the what if's but when or if that ever happens. I hope it never does..but if it did, if you handle that break up with love and care for him - he'll be okay. If you break up with hate and hurt and in a selfish way that he sees and feels the affects of it - that's where it will be detrimental and hurtful. THat is what is currently in the back of my mind now as I consider divorce with my husband. How do I do this so that she does not feel the negative affects and it's as positive and healthy as possible. It is possible. Yes, she will be sad and I will have to deal with her missing and wondering where daddy is, and the crying when we drop her off at each other's homes. But if we put her first and not our hurts and selfish needs, she'll get thru it.
So, worry about that then. Not now when it's not even a consideration to you and your SO.
I understand the awkwardness. I felt that way at first too. I think it was because I didn't know what sort of role I should be in their lives and I didn't want to step on BMs toes.
I now feel the most comfortable I've ever felt with regards to my SDs relationships with me. I think becoming a mom helped me understand how to be a better step mom.