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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
my heart hurts...(long...sorry)
i'm not really sure what to say, i just feel like i need to say something. i 'miscarried' our baby boy on 4/12 at 14 weeks. i hate the term miscarried, he was real, i held him, i saw him, i delivered him...the term miscarriage doesn't seem appropriate.
i wish i knew what happened, i wish it never happened. this pregnancy was a surprise, and in the beginning, not an especially pleasant one - which only makes me feel more guilty. i did want him though - i was so excited to find out what we were having and we had started making plans that included him. i'd had some bleeding in the first few weeks of this pregnancy, which my doctor said wasn't normal, but was common. we'd had our first u/s and discovered that the baby was measuring 2 weeks behind where we thought i was and that my progesterone levels were low. i remember telling someone that there was a concern about miscarriage because of my progesterone levels, but deep down thinking it would never happen...bad things don't happen to me...what a stupid thing to think.
the tuesday before we lost him, i had an appointment with my dr and everything looked great - for once my bp was normal, my weight was good, his heartbeat was strong...it was the perfect appointment.
on thursday, i woke up with the munchkin and we played in the living room for a bit...i remember being confused about why the dog was so clingy, but assumed maybe he'd just had to pee...usually he stays upstairs until 11 or so, but followed right behind me when i got up at 8. i put "c" in her high chair, took the dog out, and came back in to make breakfast...while i was standing there, my water broke...i remember thinking that i was overreacting and i must have just peed myself...but when i went to the bathroom i noticed some blood...i called the office and the woman on the phone informed me that my dr was at the hospital for the day, but that i should come in and see the other doctor right away. i changed my clothes, got the munchkin dressed, grabbed her breakfast and headed out...we got to the office 30 minutes after my water broke and at that point, i was getting this uncomfortable cramping every 2 minutes...being the girl that i am, i stopped in the bathroom to clean myself up before i went upstairs...i was so scared to walk into the waiting room and be leaking...so stupid...while in the bathroom, i delivered him...he was still attached to me and i didn't know what to do...i called the office and before i knew it (although it really did feel like an eternity), there were 5 people in there with me...
we were taken to an exam room, my husband and parents called, as well as an ambulance. the nurse practitioner brought him over to me and told me that he looked perfect and encouraged me to hold him...i wish i could remember what he looked like, but all i can remember is the image of him in the bathroom...and his feet...they were so perfect...my husband showed up and we both just sat there...waiting for the ambulance...my mom picked up our daughter and that was it...the ER was horrendous...not one person, doctor or nurse acknowledged that there was a baby with us or that we'd suffered a miscarriage...i wasn't able to go to the hospital that my dr was at because it wasn't local...the ER dr complained about us being there because the office didn't have a relationship with this hospital and she didn't know who we expected to do the d&c...somehow this became our problem...when she finally accepted we were there, she decided she needed to do a pelvic exam and see if she could get the placenta out...i'm 33 years old, i know pelvic exams are uncomfortable, but the pain this woman inflicted was unbearable...i thought my husband was going to physically assault her...she kept telling me to relax and let my legs fall to the side and to scootch forward more...
we were finally sent upstairs to labor and delivery, and the care there was amazing...they acknowledged what we'd been through and offered us a social worker...what i wanted was to say good bye to my little man, but the ER had already sent him to the lab...the OB was amazing, she did an u/s, explained that the placenta was still intact and posterior so they would go ahead with the d&c...she also explained that the ER dr was most likely pulling clots our and potentially pulling at my cervix because according to her, my cervix was completely closed...
my brother and sister in law took our little girl down the cape with them for the next 2 nights so my husband and i could process and heal...we decided that we would name him and that we did not want the hospital to "dispose" of him. we weren't given any options at the hospital, but my father is a funeral director and he was able to contact the hospital and arrange for them to pick him up. we baptised him on tuesday and gave him the name callan albert, and buried him on wednesday.
my heart is broken and i want to just curl up and sleep until the pain goes away, but i have a little girl and a husband who both need me to be here for them...i am planning on going back to work thursday and i'm dreading the looks on people's faces. i've been to the cemetery 3x's since we buried him and it definitely is easier, but not a day goes by that i don't break down thinking about him.
i read somewhere that the majority of second trimester miscarriages occur because of a problem with the mother, not the baby...we are still waiting on test results and i meet with my dr on may 1...i just feel so guilty that i couldn't keep him safe...it was my job to keep him safe and i failed...i must have done something differently this time...too much coffee??? too much chasing around our active toddler??? was it something i ate??? something i used to clean the house??? there has to be something...
we know we probably won't get any answers, so we are trying to accept that things happen for a reason and sometimes we just don't always find out what those reasons are...
my heart hurts, for me and everyone else who has done this...
^..^
This discussion has been closed.
Re: my heart hurts...(long...sorry)
Your story made me cry like a baby, and I am so sorry you are feeling the pain that a lot of us had to feel before. It is a pain like no other and nothing at all compares to it; not even the death of a family member that you have known for 20 years. My daughter was stillborn at 19 weeks so I understand what it is like. I have an incompatant cervix, so it was my fault. You however, need to quit blaming yourself because sometimes (whether fair or not) things just happen, just because. I can speak from experience when I said I went through so many stages of grief and you are right on track where you should be. You will have days where you don't want to get out of bed no matter what and days that you laugh and laugh and then feel guilty for being happy. Just remember one thing, your son is with you always. No matter where you are, how you are feeling at the time, he is there with you. Just wait, one of these days you will feel his presence. Lots and lots of hugs for you! Btw, you should take the chance to introduce yourself on the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board. When Jasmine passed, they were a tremendous help to me.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for all that you have been through. You must be an incredibly strong person. There is no good answer on how to heal from an ordeal like this.
I also noticed you mentioned ?down the cape? so I assume you are from my neck of the woods (I live in Massachusetts). I want you to know that right now there is someone not too far physically from you who is praying for you and your family.
BFP#1 11/12/11 ~ No heartbeat 12/12/11 ~ D&C 12/19/11
BFP#2 3/25/12 ~ Heartbeat 141 4/16/12 ~ No heartbeat 4/25/12 ~ D&C 04/30/12
BFP#3 7/16/12 ~ EDD 3/26/13 ~ It's a BOY ~ DOB 2/26/13