Are you open about your IF to your friends/parents? If so, when did you confess?

candyreesecup · April 2012

We went out with our good friends couple yesterday. During our conversation, Kate & Jon plus 8 was mentioned so we started discussing about it. The couple said "Kate got 8 babies through In Vitro" They also started talking about Octomom and they didn't really know the difference b/w IUI & IVF.

I couldn't keep my mouth shut....so, I said "Well, Kate had a 2 artificial insemination, not In Vitro. The first time, she got twins and she responded really well to the fertility drug for the 2nd round, so the doctor warned her about multiple eggs, but Kate decided to proceed, so she got 6 babies. In Vitro is totally different and very invasive. You have to go through..blah blah, etc"

After I got home, I started thinking that I sounded SO knowledgeable and I am sure they are now thinking "fmmmm..she hasn't gotten pregnant yet, so I wonder..." Sigh...:(

Have you told your friends/parents about your IF? If you did, which timing/phase, did you tell them?

Do you feel better after opening your issue to them? So far, only my BFF & mom knows about our treatment, but everyone else knows that we have been TTCing for a while....

JBDamonM · April 2012

We have told our families and some friends.

They know we have an issue - they know varying degrees of the issue and they know we have seen an RE. They also know there is a lot of additional steps involved with said RE.

I don't plan on telling them anything else. I don't want to over commit myself to too much - in case we run into any issues getting to the start of treatments - I don't want to have to explain too much. And furthermore -whenever we do get a BFP - I want there to be some element of surprise.

THat being said I"m SO glad we did tell them - it's taken a lot of pressure off me - and made things much less awkward as I don't feel like I"m on baby watch everytime I am out with friends!

KdgTeacher · April 2012

We are now. However, we TTC/underwent treatments for 2 years before telling ANYONE. We literally told about a month ago, and since then we've come clean with some family (parents and in-laws) and are going through the adoption process. It as A LOT of info in a short time, but for the most part everyone is very excited. MH's siblings still don't know and we have some friends who don't know either.

I've had a few...comments from my MIL, but I'm quick to correct her information.

LollipopsAndCrisps · April 2012

I go back and forth on this. My mother and one of my SILs know about our IF. My husband and I have talked at length about whether to come out, but, for now, it's just not right for us.

I have no idea what the future may hold, and, while I'd much rather be able to announce a BFP than our IF, I'm not sure which is going to be more tangible in the near future.

Brummy14 · April 2012

Yes, I'm very open about it with friends and my parents. DH also clued in the ILs, but they don't live in town, so they're just in the loop -- not necessarily aware of the details.

With my friends, it was more as a way to avoid the obnoxious questions around why I'm not drinking (if we're during the 2WW), or why I couldn't go to a super expensive bachelorette in Miami (bc I either hope to be KU, or if not, I'll be on the brink of IVF and saving every penny I have), or why I suddenly stopped running half marathons (that one kills me the most...I really miss it ).

Not only that, I've found that even being open about it has been therapeutic for me -- and also has brought us all closer together. I think it's encouraged some of my other friends to be more open about some personal stuff than they otherwise would have been.

::shrug:: It's different for everyone -- but I'm glad I've been pretty open throughout the process. We started talking openly about it pretty early with my parents and closest friends...we didn't necessarily feel the need to wait until we had been going through it for X amount of time, or hit X level of treatment.

ellephunt · April 2012

We told family when we were going to see an RE. We told friends around that time if they asked us when we were having kids etc. Everyone has been really supportive.

RunningwithPearls · April 2012

Some friends of ours know, and its been so helpful because a few of them have been through IF. We told our parents at the start of our 2nd IUI cycle and they have been very supportive as well. Its definitely a personal preference whether to share or not, but we've found so much love and support from our f&f that I am so glad we've been open about it.

MJ14323 · April 2012

I told my mom around after about a year of TTC. It was so great to get it off my chest and talk with someone about it. Since then, we have told some family and close friends. I definitely recommend telling some people. I broke down in front of my SIL about some things and ended up telling her. She really was able to help me talk through some stuff and has been a great line of support since then. I also had a childhood friend and cousin that delt with IF that I talked to them as well. I don't know if or when we will put it out there to other people, but I know that it helped me to talk to someone else besides my DH. My DH has been awesome, so supportive...BUT I still needed someone else to talk to about it.

Shayliz · April 2012

My mom has known we are trying, and knew about all our losses and when we went to the RE. My husband's mom knows we are having trouble, but doesn't know the specifics.

imwithrebel · April 2012

My husband's family only knows I have an "endocrine/hormone disorder" that requires medication. He told his aunt the full truth when she loaned us some money for about a week when we were really tight due to a lot of bills and house repairs hitting us at once. She never asks us anything about it and I assume my husband will only bring it up again if something major happens (like we have to move on to IVF).

My family knew about my PCOS from the time I was diagnosed (Dec 2010 / cycle 4), but only that it was screwing up my cycles, not about the IF. However, with my mom and grandmother being nurses, they knew PCOS can cause IF and I think they suspected the possibility. One day last December, I started crying on the phone with my grandmother and told her. I think it was easier to tell her because she struggled with secondary IF for 10 years and never was able to conceive again (never went further than Clomid). I told the rest of my family about a month later, when it was apparent we would be moving on to an RE.

Honestly, I'm really glad we told them. My family had gotten bad about bugging us about having kids and updating us on the pregnancy of everyone they know and it was really upsetting me, so it's nice they don't do that any more. I'll be honest that it has some negatives - for example, having to update everyone when I got my negative beta and then them calling me repeatedly all weekend to make sure I wasn't depressed. But over all, it's much better than the dumb comments they made before they knew (that they really should have known better than to make with the PCOS...) and it's nice to have their support and prayers.

The people at my work also know, but that's only because my RE is 2.5 hours away (none closer), so I miss a full day for every appointment. It's easier for them to know the truth than worry and constantly ask me questions.

liz4paws · April 2012

Our immediate families know about our IF problems (all the way down to sperm counts and my "premature menopause"), and most of our close friends know we have IF issues but not the graphic details. I do try to bring awareness to IF in an effort to help my piece of the world have a deeper appreciation for the real struggle IF causes and also helps them realize it can happen to anyone. So many people minimize IF because they are uneducated and ignorant and I try to find opportunities to educate. I don't, however, make it a point to bring it up unless I am asked "when are you going to have kids?" I actually found a lot of support from a coworker who struggled with IF for 5 years (failed IVFs and a failed adoption attempt then finally a surprise BFP) but I didn't realize it until he asked when we were going to have kids and I outted myself with our situation and the convo started.

And if it weren't for DH's reservations about coming out on FB, I'd be posting this week for awareness, but he doesn't feel comfortable with me doing it at that level and I respect that.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

brookelynpaisley · April 2012

Yes, our parents know, but we were outed about 8 months into trying, so they've known something (we don't share everything, and they respect that) about the progression from TTC to TTTC. I'm pretty open with most of our friends and anyone who didn't know does now thanks to Facebook and NIAW.

Yes, I do feel better. Coming out to anyone is going to open yourself up to questions, which can feel frustrating, but if you know that and can prepare answers you're comfortable with, I feel like it's the best way to go. It's a very personal decision, though, and there is no right or wrong answer.

tombomb84 · April 2012

We have been very open about our struggles with our family and close friends. After our c/p I was so depressed and we agreed that keeping it a secret and having to hide our feelings was making things worse for us.

I am glad that I am able to talk to my friends and family about what is going on, but I keep it vague so they don't know when my betas are, etc. I also made it clear that I don't want people to ask me how I am doing or what is going on all the time and most have respected that. Be warned though - people say dumb sh!t and you may have to educate people on what they should and should not say to you.

Neesey · April 2012

Since my mom and sister both struggled with IF, they pretty much knew I was going to have issues too. I have only told my sister about our IUI. DH was a bit uncomfortable about everyone knowing that detail so we kept it private. Most of our friends know we are struggling with IF because of a loud mouthed couple. DH confided in the husband who told his wife who told ALL of our friends. Getting hit with alll the questions and stuff at St Paddy's Day dinner was very upsetting but I'm over it now. I've been really inspired by people talking openly on FB about IF for the awareness week. Not sure if I'm ready to take that step yet but we'll see.

LyssRob · April 2012

We have told pretty much everyone. I just dont see the shame in it and it shuts people up when they ask stupid questions about when I am planning on having kids.

ETA: Yes, I feel much better being "open" about it with people. Aside from the stupid, "it'll happen...just relax" comments, people are really great about it.

Killer Tomato · April 2012

We are half and half. My family knows the most, BIL (and prob SIL by extension) know a little bit, and we've told close friends. And my boss, for scheduling purposes. I'm glad my mom is in the loop...it keeps the "my friend got her tubes blown and that fixed her whole problem" comments to a minimum. Though she still feels the need to point out things like a woman she met who is my age and a grandmother. Thanks, mom. Sigh. BIL told us to be careful, as someone he knew did treatments and ended up with twins. God forbid. Lol.

In general, I think it is easier when people know. I do hesitate telling my MIL, though...she made a comment that you don't need to "try," and even though she is very supportive, I'm just not sure I'm ready for her to know the extent to which we are "trying."

I feel like IF shouldn't be this big, dark shameful secret, but at the same time, it is our business and there are people I don't want knowing.

Also, my mother knew the beta day for IUI #1-we won't be doing that again! I told her I will keep her informed of all important info, but not the play by plays.

candyreesecup · April 2012

Thank you, girls for sharing your opinions and stories! I read everyone's comments and they are all very helpful to make me think if we should started opening up more.

It's getting harder to keep saying to other people "well, yeah, we are thinking about having a baby soon.", so I am glad to hear your experience with sharing your IF story with others are positive Smile

ungraceful13 · April 2012

A couple of my friends and one of DH's friends know. No one in our families know. I told 2 of my friends right after getting the 2 dx. I told another one a couple weeks later. We told DH's friend on St. Patty's day by accident bc I was drunk and someone said something to me about having babies etc and I broke down and ran into him first and vaguely told him and a week later DH told him everything.

Shoshie · April 2012

My parents and DH's parents know about our beginning IUI this summer. I have no idea who they have told (it isn't a secret, I just haven't said it to many).

I told my aunt and my grandmother - as well as our close friends who are also having troubles (they can get pregnant, but she has miscarried multiple times).

My coworkers don't know yet. It isn't an easy topic to bring up in regular conversation -- but if the situation presented itself, I would say something.

Jewish superstition is that I wouldn't say anything about being pregnant until I was in my second trimester anyway. But when that does happen, I will be totally open explaining how we got there.

megs3084 · April 2012

We have varying levels of openness about our IF. My mom knew that we did a cycle of clomid, but havent told her we're moving onto IUI. She sobbed when I took clomid & wasn't a great support ("idk how you can't get pregnant, I could get pregnant when your dad just looked at me" gee thanks mom). My FSIL knows we're moving to IUI, so I assume my brother does too. His family knows nothing. He hasn't been comfortable telling them. A handful of my coworkers know because Ive needed to switch shifts for appts, and if we officially move to IUI next cycle, then I'll tell my boss too.

I'm not sure how much more I'll tell my mom. DH has been going back & forth about clueing his parents in, especially since his grandma & aunt like to ask when we're having kids at EVERY family get together. I think if we progress to IVF, I'd want to tell both families.

mnj05 · April 2012

My work friends know just so I'll have someone to talk to that doesn't know all about the treatments and can be excited without the what ifs in the back of their minds.

The only family we've told are my husband's brothers and their wives. Both of my SILs have IF issues an one is currently pregnant through IVF. They know exactly what I'm going through and have been my rocks.

isenbergbeth · April 2012

I have found being open about it to be very freeing. We are by nature not very open with others about personal matters but began to clue in our parents, siblings, and best friends around the one year mark. They also know the details.

I supervise 35 people at work (mostly woman) and opened up to them prior to our IUI. All I shared was the bare minimum, but they have all been so supportive. In fact there were several that I had not been aware of who had gone down this road!

DatsyuksMommy · April 2012

I have been, but now I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I'm okay with my closest friends knowing, because they respect what I'm going through even if they don't totally understand. I wish I had never told my parents. Even after telling my dad I was having trouble, he asked me loudly in front of a large group when I was going to have some kids. When we were going somewhere for a weekend and DH and I needed our own hotel room because I was expecting to O that weekend, he laughed at the notion of having to know when that would happen. I had to tell him so that he would stop trying to get us to share a room with someone.

The kicker was finding out that he told my SIL I need to get over myself and my IF bulls**t. I'm not talking to him about it anymore. I'm not saying this as a cautionary tale. I'm sure most people have much more supportive parents than mine. My in-laws know we are struggling, and they occasionally ask how I'm doing, but they don't press and they don't bug me about it.

xladybassx · April 2012

The only people who know are my BFF and one of my SILs. My BFF, while she means well, doesn't really get it...she is not married and is nowhere near having kids. Her response whenever I tell her anything is to just "have lots of sex". I am however, really glad that I talked to my SIL about everything. She has been really supportive and offers great suggestions...plus she just has a way of making me feel better about the whole situation. I also feel like she understands a bit more because she is married, and she does have one child (they didn't have any trouble with IF but at least she still understands the 2ww and how it feels to get a BFN over and over...). I am torn, part of me really wants to talk to my mom about it but I am also worried that it will become the topic of every future conversation if I do. There is no way I will tell the ILs....I get crap all the time about "why haven't we given them a grandchild yet", and how we have already taken their future grandchildren across the world from them (DH is in the Army) so I've pretty much just been letting them think we aren't having kids, at least for awhile. I am really glad I told my SIL because her support has been awesome. I think as long as its someone you really trust and it feels right to you, being open can really help with the burden. Good luck!

sarah_e87 · April 2012

I didn't share with anyone when I TTC the first time around (with my ex-fiance) where we tried for 17 months.

Noone knew that my husband and I have been TTC until a few months ago (then my mom found out). I did, however, call my mom several months back when I was filling out the new patient paperwork from my RE's office because there were questions about family history that I didn't know, but I knew my mother would know. I had told her that my ob/gyn suspected that I had PCOS and was referring me to a specialist for further testing. If it was confirmed that I had PCOS and/or other issues, the "specialist" would be the best person to help manage my condition and to help me get pregnant. My mom checked on me through every step of my testing and talked with me after every visit thus far. She's coming into town tomorrow night for my surgery on Wednesday. My sister has known that I was having problems ovulating (which has been a problem since I was about 18 and the reason I went on BCPs). I had shared with two of my best friends last month and completely came out of the closet with everyone yesterday via fb.

It was freeing and a lifted weight to be open about my IF struggle. It's also comforting to know that I now have support system that will go through treatment with me, when I get to the point of treatment.

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