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Blended Families
On the verge of divorce
DH and I actually had a conversation about seperating.
Counseling is proving to be tough for him and I fear that he may bail on it soon.
We actually discussed what would happen if we did seperate and without going into details, I am very disappointed in what he says he will choose to do.
On a strangely positive side, DH is making efforts to be a good husband and father. While he is making small comments about wanting to bail on counseling, he is trying and making distinct changes in his behavior.
I just don't think it will last. As some of you have pointed out already - I think it's only temporary and because he knows I am on the verge of leaving him. I am waiting for it all to revert back to the same old behavior that puts his adult children first and blatantly disregards the health of our marriage and our DD's well being.
He made the comment this weekend that he knows that when he says no to his adult kids, that they will not ever talk to him again. He said, "It's starting to feel like I don't even have kids". This is his fear. I kind of laugh a little at this and I told him, "Don't worry. They will never quit calling you. When they have drama and need something from you, they will cal you."
It is essentially at the point where DH is having to choose between his adult kids and DD and me. I have told him if that is too hard of a decision than maybe it is best we split, he will not have the pressure from me to say no to his kids and he can have all of his kids. He just can't have me anymore. He says he chooses our marriage and DD if it came down to it.
I guess we'll see. I'm not going to keep giving him opportunity after opportunity to keep trying. It has to end. DD is my priority. I am trying to stay positive one last time, and work really hard at our marriage, but as I told him, I don't know how much I have left in me and I feel we put counseling off way too long.
I have finally told my parents. This week has been not the lowest point of my life - but this situation is going to be one of the toughest.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: On the verge of divorce
well atleast its out in the open, and DH is making an effort. If he continues on this positive path and continues with counseling I would wait it out. but only you can tell if you're even happy. If your marriage is so stressful then you should just get out.
I know youre not even looking for advice, I just feel so sad for you. Did you discuss visitation/ custody of DD at all? I know you have said that he is a good father to DD, would you be nervous at all of that aspect of the situation?
No, we did not discuss or go into detail on CO, we just came to the conclusion that if we don't resolve matters and counseling is not effective that we may need to go seperate ways.
Yes Holly, I am very nervous about visitation and the CO. Not in regards to DH, but in regards to his adult kids. My state is a strong proponent of joint custody and I really want to have primary because of his adult kids and how much they insist on DH continuing to take care of them and all their drama that will surely continue. I am hoping that DH will not fight me too much on this and instead of battling it out in court we can come to an amicable agreement.
And yes, it's sad he would choose the drama. It's not that I think he prefers it, but that he would hate the guilt and hurt he would have if his adult kids hated him for choosing to give me and their baby sister the kind of life that they always wanted and never had.
If he does not see counseling thru and does not make a serious effort to work on his personal, individual issues - this will not work. I will leave. He will not be happy and he will not learn how to cope and deal with his kids. I'm hoping a light turns on, but I wouldn't bet on it.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
All my prayers out to you. This post saddens me because he's throwing out happiness. Had he looked for help after the break up of his previous marriage(s) he wouldn't have such a hard time figuring out what he needs to do.
I don't think he will change if you stay. Anyway - I really hope and pray all goes well for you and DD. HUGS.
As long as you are in that house he won't change. He probably won't change anyway.
If you really want to give this one last chance (again) then you should leave him today and then let him see what life will be like once your not there and you will see if he actually will attempt to make any changes.
This.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. I wish you and your DH could have come to a reasonable working agreement on your family issues.
A lot of states now publish their most-wanted deadbeat parents list. You might find a suitable man on that list for your next marriage. Then you two can be sure to be on the same page.
I just can't believe you would break up your family: DD, you and DH because your husband wants to be supportive of his children. Of all the reasons to split a home, I can't believe this is on the list.
I understand they are a handful and they have more issues than you could even start to list. I understand it's a financial and emotional strain.
Unlike many of the posters who replied to this, I've "known" your BF for about five years, and I know the issues didn't start this large. Your SD was a young teenage girl with a lot of anger. Your SS was a teenage boy who was reckless and kind of a punk. Their baggage has only grown over the years, for sure.
As a parent, I cannot fathom sleeping in a nice warm bed every night knowing my children were well fed and in a happy caring home without ensuring that for all my children or my children's children. I can't reason out why you think it's possible to give your DH this ultimatum. You have to live with your choices, and I don't. I know you have limits on what you can tolerate. I've held my tongue for much of the last few years as you griped and vented. I get that it's tough.
I'm saying something now because it sounds like you're making permanent steps to walk away. What are you going to tell your daughter when she's old enough to ask? That he wanted to help out her big brother and sister and you couldn't handle it anymore?
Is it just the money? You can't claim that it's just because you need to cleanse your life from drama and they are the sources. I remember your fits over the pettiest little things. I won't list them all again, but you know I remember. I can't credit your stepchildren with learning how to be extreme drama-llamas all on their own.
I know BM and BF have given their children plenty of issues as well. It's horrible, everything that has happened to them in the past few years and the awful choices they are making. If it was just you, I wouldn't say anything if you wanted to kiss it all goodbye. I just ask you to reconsider the position you are putting your H in, and whether your issues with him are really enough to put your DD through the wringer over it. Like it or not, your stepchildren will always be a part of her family, divorce or not.
I think it's more than tough, though. These kids, and her H's inability to say no to them is potentially threatening her ability to keep her DD "well fed and happy", in a caring and most importantly safe environment.
So her DH should be made to choose between his children? Which to love more?
I could look at anyone of my children as a potential threat to the other. They compete for time, money, emotional bonding...
I think it's sick for a parent to think this way, or to ask a parent to think this way, as j+k is doing.
His adult children are just that: ADULTS, in messes of their own making with no intentions of fixing them.
J should leave when she, in her mind, knows she has done all she can.
They didn't develop into adults with major issues all on their own. It's easy to cast them off now that they're older, but I don't think they've had much healthy role modeling to help them develop into mature adults.
Are you positing that if your children were in trouble as adults you would look the other way?
SS is like 30 something and SD is like mid 20's is she not?
Her DH didn't "deal" with them when they were young, when they really needed a solid foundation and when they really needed him. Now that they've become the messes he helped create, he's turned into a martyyr of sorts. Oh he's trying to help them, he's trying to save them. What a great dad he is. Why doesn't j+k understand he's trying to HELP his poor, innocent, broken children. (insert eye roll).
I would respect the guy if he instilled the tough love, but he doesn't even do that. He totally enables them into creating this chaos that he helps feed.
I agree with the OP that says he loves the chaos and the drama, because then he doesn't feel so bad at having been a shitty dad previously. This is his "make up for lost time". He's living in the past and he's screwing up his present wife and child that need him. Unless he admits to himself (and he STILL refuses to own up to this) that HE has a problem, it will never change.
j+k isn't making him choose. He had his chance and he blew it - years ago. Now it's time for him to do right by her, and he refuses to.
So if they continue to let their issues infect her home and her toddler, she should just what?
Why should she go down with their ship, when she has a chance to salvage what little sanity she can for herself and her daughter, who is too small to act in her own best interest?
I would expect my adult children to face their problems and tackle them. I would provide no sanctuary for any adult kid who wanted to not work, not take care of themselves, their children, their lives, their outstanding ARREST WARRANTS. She has offered them sanctuary for the specific purpose of getting their *** together.
They refuse to do so. Her husband refuses to encourage them to get their *** together. Regardless of whatever sad sack childhood his adult kids might have had? They are adults now, who have to take care of thier issues LIKE ADULTS. It is not J+K's job to sit there and take it when they refuse to take care of themselves, but expect HER to do it for them.
The biggest issue is the H and not the step kids/adults.
I get that it would be very hard if not impossible for a parent to write off his/her children reagrdless of their age. He did this with set number 1. He stayed around with set 2 and look what happened. If I was J, I wouldn't want to wait around and see how his parenting skills will work out this time.
The best thing she can do for her DD is to leave. He will still be able to parent this little girl and he can keep trying to fix his other 4 kids at the same time. J shouldn't have to be a part of that anymore.
Do your kids also do drugs and spend their time with abusive people? Do they refuse help when it's offerred and reasonable?
You're comparing apples and oranges here.
Honestly, I do think it's best for J, her husband, and the step-children if she gets out of that house. I just think it's surprising that so many blended family posters are in favor of splitting another home over her issues.
You are right that they didn't develop into this mess on their own, he contributed to it and he continues to contribute to it.
The only way this will stop is if someone breaks the cycle by getting professional help.
He needs professional help to move forward with his life and help 'all' his kids. The best help he can offer his adult children is the phone number of professionals.
They may accept that number if they see him improve his life or 'lead by example'.
Or he can continue on this path of distruction and take them all with him.
He is currently a bad role model for all his kids.
Maybe I've missed something, but he hasn't provided drugs to his kids nor assisted them in breaking the law in any way. Right? He is continuing to try to reach them and reason with them and help them find their way. I'm not sure how that's bad, but I can see how it would be draining on his current family. Having a current wife and new daughter aren't a reason to abandon your first family, however, and I'm not sure why it's being treated this way.
He is on his 4th wife and 5th kid with 4 different women and his current marriage is in trouble.
Would he not be better to 'surrender' and admit he needs professional help to sort his own life as opposed to trying to help anybody else.
Then when he has some stability in his own life he will be in a better position to advise his older kids. it's currently a case of the blind leading the blind.
I don't think he should abandon then either but I don't think he is fit to help them.
He lives in a chaotic world fuled by drama and j+k needs to protect herself from that.
What? Is this for real? Of all the things I remember from her early posts, this fine detail either escapes me or it was someone else. Anyone?
If this is the case, forget everything I've said. J, run. Like into five years ago and leave his ass then.
I would think someone who has been here for as many years as you have claimed to be would know that by now, since you are such the expert on things...
I thought this was his 2nd or 3rd marriage, he was not married to all set. Of Moms but it is 5 kids with 4 women.
But J&A, I sort of see where you are coming from but there is a point that it truly is better to use tough love that support the craziness. And SS is something like 29 now, he came to her as an adult in his 20s with a criminal record and always has charges over his head such as domestic abuse and intent to distribute. That last charge in FL was a MAJOR charge from a very big drug ring, we are not talking petty larceny and SS said if he ratted people out he would be dead. To me that poses a threat to J and her DD. SD is a screwed up young adult but SS is a criminal.
Oh. My. FCKING. God.
Seriously? It's because he was married multiple times prior to me that got your attention? Which wife did it for you? I know it's not the second because you're number 2 right? And 2 is okay. We know this because YOU are the perfect second wife and step mom. So..was it the 3rd or 4th that made it a deal breaker? Because I need to know so that when I go to the dysfunctional man list you were talking about earlier I can make sure I pick the right guy and not go over the limit.
SERIOUSLY???
A former drug user, drug dealing SS with a 5 page record going back 11 years isn't enough. WHo is also a habitual liar and lives off everyone in his life until they kick him out and has to move onto the next poor sucker - that's not enough? And SD, her verbally abusiveness and personal threats against me, our business, and my DD - THAT is not enough? WHat about that they are disrespectful and show absolutely no signs of doing for themselves? No? I was just supposed to give and give and give and hope they change by some miracle and DD does not see any of or say, "Well, mom and dad helped out them, surely I can be a deadbeat bottom feeder too. And while I'm at it...maybe I'll do one better than SD and get pregnant in high school and drop out. Yeah, and I don't need a job. Everyone else in the world will take care of me. Who needs college!!" Because that's what you were telling me to expose my child to. Not to mention his brother and buddies who ask us to help them "get on their feet" that never do. Yeah. I should deprive my innocent 2 year old of a life she deserves so these people who DO NOTHING to help themselves can enjoy my home, my food, my money, and all the things I and DH work so hard for.
My DH is an ENABLER. God love hiim he has a big heart - I know he thinks he's beign kidn - but he doesn't have a brain to see that how he helps them does not really help them, and it is detrimental to us, our marriage, and our daugther's well being. Not just short time well being - LONG TERM. And you know what, I haven't aired all my dirty laundry here. In all of my step children's drama and crap - which is a big part in my near decision to leave, we have other issues just between him and I that have developed in our relationship. When I think about it, some of which is because of the incredible stress his kids put on us. NOt all of it, but the hurt, anger and frustration I have over his inability to say no to them...is making me feel like I and DD are unimportant. That's not a marriage.
He can have all of his kids in his life. I don't care. But they are no longer welcome in my home or around my daughter. I gave them PLENTY of chances. Plenty. I didn't choose their life. THEY DID. As adults they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. My two year old is not. This won't stop. It's not going to end. DH needs to get help now and change or I am gone. It ends NOW. One way or another. For my DD's sake. Not mine. HERS.
Oh. I'm sorry. I've lost site. He's been married 4 times prior. That alone just made it perfectly okay for me to leave him. Tee-hee!!! Nevermind!
If you've made it this far J&A...Do me a favor. BLOCK ME. Please. If you can't take the time to understand the bigger picture here, and not put blinders on over one or two sentences I've said, then please do not comment. Just go find the little button that says "block Bumpie" or "Block Member" or whatever it is that prevents you from seeing my posts. Please.
I am on ignore...so you wont see this...but damn it you are a blind, sanctimonious, self-righteous ***.
Since they developed into adults with major issues BECAUSE of their father, do you HONESTLY THINK that letting the man who is STILL MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES THAT CREATED SAID MONSTERS take a stab at the baby?
If that is YOUR opinion, they let us see YOU send YOUR kids off to their biological mother RIGHT NOW. Oh wait...you wont.
That crossed my mind to, I mean its not like she gave them drugs or anything.
J+K forget how many wives / kids your DH has had and what not - the past is the past. You now know that he comes with a shitton of emotional baggage / issues.
I say for as long as he is willing to go to counselling and work on himself and your marriage you give it a go. Anyone can change with a little help and like you say, he has as many good points as bad.
When you are certain that he is not going to change then you leave for all the reasons you listed above and you make the best life you can for you and your little DD.
Your DH for sure contributed to your Skids sh!tty childhood and he has major accountablilty in that BUT they are adults now the buck stops with them. THEY need to make a decision to get help. THEY need to sort out their own life and he needs to sort out his.
You do not need to have toxic people in your life no matter who they are.
You will need to make a decision to give your marriage time. the problem with your DH being married with a small child is that he is nowhere near stable enough to be married or have a child. He needs to get his life on track and then concentrate on building a relationship. This will take time and space and he will f**k up along the way.
You need individual counselling to help you deal with the f**k ups. You will also need to look at yourself and why you settled for this relationship in the first place.
Its a tough journey but a well worth one.
My DH and I are proof that it can be done and I truly wish you all the best.