Blending w/baby questions ...

Mommie2Many · April 2012

Hello ladies. I have never posted but have been looking for a while. I like the fact that his board has opinions from BMs and SMs as I am both. I have a DD age 6 and a DS age 5. My DH has a DD age 8 and DS age 7. I have full cust of my children and he has joint cust of his children. ALL children live with us fulltime. So we have kids aged 5, 6, 7 and 8. We are also expecting our first and only baby together in Oct. We married July 2010 and took primary cust of his children in Feb 2011. So as you can guess our house is crazy and we deal with two sets of exs. My ex has EOW visitation and his ex gets every weekend (there is no official cust agreement other than joint custody).

We have a very busy life. We have karate 3 nights a week and scouts one night a week and I am just plain give out. My house is a disaster. I also work 50hrs a week. So I am wondering and worrying what life will be like with a new baby to care for and lug around. Me and DH wanted a baby and were planing to ttc before we found out I was pregnant (odd how things like that work out). So I have no reservations about having another child.... it just seems harder now for some reason. Any ladies blend a baby into a blended family and have any tips for this newbie?

Also another issue weighing on my mind (and please no one bash me for my openess b/c I promise I have everyones best interest at heart!). My DHs ex has mentioned to my MIL that she wants the children back living with her. When we got the kids it was the first time my DH was able to have them full time b/c before we lived in a different city so we could only get them on the weekeneds. I personally think BM is a good mom and her kids love her to death. She recently remarried and moved to the town next to us. I personally think that given the craziness of having a new baby and a small house and small children ... maybe its not a bad idea for them to stay with thier mom. However... DH is one of those men that does not like to loose. BM cheated on him when they were married and he still despises her in many ways. I have never been real sure if he wants the kids or just doesnt want her to have them. He definately loves them but he seems to get frustrated alot and he is not the best house keeper (he is no mommie). So would I be the devil if I suggested a change or supported BM if she asks for one?

Sorry if my post seems kinda choppy. I am writing between customers at work lol.

Thanks in advance you guys!

CurlyQ284 · April 2012

Just because he gets frustrated and isnt a good housekeeper does not mean he isnt a good dad. I think this is a horrible idea. I dont mean to rip you a new one because you posted nicely but YOU chose to work 50 hours a week, YOU choae to have a baby despite feeling like you dont have time so now you want to send the kids away to make your choices easier? Why not give your kids to your ex full time to lighten the load? No effin way, right? Exactly. Do NOT suggest this to your DH. You took all this on, the kids do not pay for your choices. Make it work. Can you cut down on work hours? Can DH? Can you cut down activities? It sounds like a lot for kids anyways. Talk to your DH to find ways to cut down your schedule in other ways.

CurlyQ284 · April 2012

I guess I should add that Im a stepmom of two girls 9&10. They live with their mom several states away and we have them in summer. We dont have a chance of getting full custody because BM is a decent mom, I dont agree with all the choices she makes but overall decent. I am insanely busy in summer, running everyone to daycamps etc but if DH could get full custody I would adjust because I couldnt ask DH to not have his kids to make it easier on me. I just couldnt. He actually might divorce me if I suggested it. I love him and the girls too much, I couldnt ever ask that.

blush64 · April 2012

CurlyQ284:
Just because he gets frustrated and isnt a good housekeeper does not mean he isnt a good dad. I think this is a horrible idea. I dont mean to rip you a new one because you posted nicely but YOU chose to work 50 hours a week, YOU choae to have a baby despite feeling like you dont have time so now you want to send the kids away to make your choices easier? Why not give your kids to your ex full time to lighten the load? No effin way, right? Exactly. Do NOT suggest this to your DH. You took all this on, the kids do not pay for your choices. Make it work. Can you cut down on work hours? Can DH? Can you cut down activities? It sounds like a lot for kids anyways. Talk to your DH to find ways to cut down your schedule in other ways.

I think this was well said. To ask him to give his kids over to the BM is the same as you letting your ex take your kids. Why not do that instead?

Especially now that the baby is on the way it's important for those kids to feel like that are not going to be replaced and they will still be loved.

Mommie2Many · April 2012

You guys are right. It does sound more aweful than I mean it to. I honestly like BM and think she is a good mom. I sometimes think she could do be better than me bc my hands are so full. l love my kids (all of them) and we are one big family. If she lived more than 10mins away I would never consider. But thanks for the outside looking in input.

CurlyQ284 · April 2012

I meant to say what blush added, the kids will notice that they are sent away when the new baby comes. They will put it together and will come away with "we are being replaced by the baby, daddy loves him more than us" im glad you are reconsidering. It would be an easy fix for scheduling but very damaging to your family in the long run.

dmndsr4eva · April 2012

I was in a similar situation breifly. My ex had two teenage girls and we had a baby together. However their mom had primary custody and he had visitation on a non set schedule. They basically got together when it worked out for everyone's schedules. The girls were always busy with school, church, friends, other side of family events.

I don't know how you ended up with primary custody? Did BM freely give it up? I think the decesion needs to be based on what is best for the kids. If the mom is a good mom and she has a stable place to live I don't see why they can't spend more time with her. At least 50/50. But of course that only works if you both live near their school and activities.

Well good luck and keep us posted.

Mommie2Many · April 2012

dmndsr4eva ... DH and BM have joint custody and swapped weeks until DS started K5. Me and DH were only dating at that time but we lived together in a nearby town. BM lived in the house DH purchased when they got married (he moved out and let her and the kids stay in the house) so DS was registered in the city BM lived in and it made sense for BM to keep the children during the week. We picked them up from daycare on Fridays and kept then until Sun afternoon every weekend. DH literally counted up the hours to make sure they had equal time with the children - school/daycare time, bed time etc. When his father passed away in Feb 11 we moved into his house and since it was in the childrens current school district DH asked if we could have the kids and they would swap years (she took over the every weekend routine). However she remarried and her new husband did not like living in DHs house so they moved to the next town over. So when it came time to swap back DH didnt think the circumstances qualified and didnt offer.

I dont know how they are going to work this out if she really wants them back bc they have no formal agreement besides "joint custody." I kind of feel bad for her because we have a house full of wonderful kids and she must miss them. I fought tooth and nails for my children and I could not imagine not being with them on a daily basis. My DH says I am a daddy basher bc my kids dad is terrible. Maybe so, but I dont mean to be.

Ooglybear · April 2012

Would it be possible to ask BM to take over some of the transportation for kids' events so that you're not running around as much?

Littlejen22 · April 2012

Yup, you would be. The reason is that you are suggesting it to make things easier in your house and the kids will feel you sent them back b/c you were having a baby. If your only reason was b/c BM wanted them back and they wanted to go and you thought she was a great Mom then it would be different. Also, why did she let your DH have them during the week?

DarthNBJenni · April 2012

First off, they need a court order. Plain as day.

Second, it's totally doable to work full time, take care of kids, and clean a house. Your husband doesn't like to clean because he's not a "mommie"? Tough shiit, dude. Make a chore chart.

My husband works 50 hours a week, I work 40 teaching, plus do photography and blogging on the side. Make a schedule and stick to it. With 4 kids 4 and under, we have to. Sure, some days we're just paddling to keep afloat, but overall - it's working out for us.

Good luck!

Ilumine · April 2012

Honestly, you have a DH problem, not a stepchildren problem.

hopanka · April 2012

Seems like your H is a piece of work when it comes to co-parenting. No wonder you are feeling like BM should get something back. He really counted visitation down to an hour?? Controlling much? And when it was time to give the kids back to her after a year (which he agreed they would swap), he decided he "wasn't going to offer?" Because "HE didn't think the circumstances qualified." I see. I'm glad I'm not the BM (or the SM) in this situation. Sigir - is this your ex??

Saran · April 2012

I'm not seeing how all the crazy schedules have anything to do with it. She needs to have more time with the kids because she is their MOTHER. If she is a great mom, why doesn't she have them half the time? If she lives that close, you guys need to split the time 50/50. Yes, it would help you out some but most of all it would be best for the children to have equal time with both parents. Weekend visits with mom living that close isn't going to cut it for those kids.

kali55 · April 2012

Saran:
I'm not seeing how all the crazy schedules have anything to do with it. She needs to have more time with the kids because she is their MOTHER. If she is a great mom, why doesn't she have them half the time? If she lives that close, you guys need to split the time 50/50. Yes, it would help you out some but most of all it would be best for the children to have equal time with both parents. Weekend visits with mom living that close isn't going to cut it for those kids.

I agree. I feel that if both parents are good parents the children should split the time 50/50.

Also, your DH needs to get over his resentment! He has every reason to be resentful but in the end, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

FutureMrsWittig · April 2012

Mommie2Many:
You guys are right. It does sound more aweful than I mean it to. I honestly like BM and think she is a good mom. I sometimes think she could do be better than me bc my hands are so full. l love my kids (all of them) and we are one big family. If she lived more than 10mins away I would never consider. But thanks for the outside looking in input.

I think you're overwhelmed. We all get that. My advice is to wait and see what happens. If BM actually petitions the court for 50/50 then you can have a conversation with your H about what's in the kids best interest.

Until then I think you and DH need to talk about ways he can help out. Maybe he needs to do more around the house. Maybe he needs to say no to some activities so you're not constantly on the go.

And look within yourself too. Perhaps you need to cut down on your working hours? Get some counseling to help you feel less overwhelmed and deal with the mom-guilt of having a messy house and thinking someone else can do it all better than you?

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