There is HOPE ( long one)

Hi All, 

I have recently recovered from PPD/ PPA and Antenatal Depression. I thought it might be helpful to share my story for those of you who are still in the depths of it. I know hearing stories of hope really helped me when I was at my worst.

I have two children. My son is 4 years old and my daughter is 3 months old. After having my son 4 years ago, PPA hit me first. I was very anxious as many new mothers are. My son wouldn't breast feed. I was sick several times and it was just all too much for me. I started having panic attacks. My OB quickly prescribed me antidepressant, but I refused to take them. At the time, I had no real knowledge of PPD or PPA and I refused to believe that I had it. I was also afraid to take any meds, as I thought they would make me feel not like myself ( I know now that is the farthest thing from the truth)

As my first year with my son went along, I felt slightly better but I was still suffering. It developed into a mild depression. I felt like the world just wasn't the same. I knew that this was the happiest time in my life and I was blessed with this amazing boy but I couldn't shake this feeling of depression. I didn't go on meds and about after a year I started listening to Lucinda Bassetts CDs and maybe it was the CDs, vitamins or the fact that my body/hormones had returned to normal after a year, I finally began to feel better. However now I know I suffered needlessly.

After 3 years of feeling good "normal", my husband and I decided it was time to try for baby number two. In the back of my mind I was worried about PPD hitting again but I felt I was better prepared this time. I had become somewhat of an expert on the topic and was going to put a plan in place to avoid it.

So I got pregnant and miscarriage very early. No big deal it is very common. I wasn't too discouraged. 2 months later I got pregnant again, but wasn't really having many symptoms. I tried not to worry but knew in my heart that something wasn't right. At 10 weeks along I got to get in to see my OB when they discovered I had a blighted ovum. I was very upset. We had already started telling our friends and family. I had to have a D& C the following day. At this point I was ready to put the breaks on trying for baby number 2. I buried myself in work and just moved on. About two months after the miscarriage I began to have major panic attacks and uncontrollable shaking. I feel quickly into a very deep depression. The kind where you don't get out of bed and don't see the point in living. I had never felt so bad in my life and didn't  know where it was coming from. After tons of trips to all kinds of doctors, therapists, the ER, my OB all within a month. I FINALLY went on an antidepressant and started to feel better. I went on effexor and it worked within a few weeks. My doctors and therapists told me that the depression could have been a mix of the stress of the miscarriage and the hormone fluxuations. It is possible to get PPD after a misscarriage.

Well I'm not done there..... about 6 weeks of being on effexor I got pregnant. OOPS! We were not trying and my period was still off from the miscarriage. So I had to quickly come off the effexor. A few weeks into the pregnancy my anxiety and depression came back. I guess after all of this I realize my body and pregnancy hormones just don't mix. Anyway I struggled with what to do. I went on Zoloft for about 6 weeks but they were not really helping so I stopped. I knew they were safe for the baby but I didn't want to take them if they weren't working. I was plagued with a dark depression for the whole pregnancy. How could this be I finally was pregnant and here I am depressed. I went to therapy the whole time, but I was comesumed with depression 24 hours a day. It was all I thought about. I tried everything to feel better. I read every book. I tried to eat healthy and exercise and nothing seemed to help. I knew I had to wait it out until I gave birth and could go back on Effexor. I felt so bad and the world looked different I went through the motions of life but didn't have the same zest. Nothing seemed to matter. I was hopeless. I didn't enjoy the things I used to and I felt like I wasn't connecting with my baby in utero. I had a few select friends I could talk to about it because most people think pregnancy should be the happiest time of your life and for me this time it wasn't. 

So my beautiful baby girl came right on time and she was healthy and perfect. We named her Lyla "Hope" because that she was. For so long I thought I would never get better, but the end was now in sight. I started the effexor about 5 days after delivery. I also took Ativan for about 4 weeks. The first two months I slowly got better as my body healed and my hormones leveled out I started to feel like myself again. Now I am 3 months post partum and I feel great. I look at my little girl and now she is such a blessing. I was so afraid that I wouldn't love her with having the depression, but now I couldn't love her anymore. My anxiety is gone and I am a happy calm momma. My daughter is a happy girl too. I truely believe it is becauce I am too. I really believe the Effexor is the key to my recovery. I also talk to all my girlfriends about it. I have a ton of girlfriends who are having babies now too and I'd say about half of them had suffered with some kind of PPD or PPA. Talking about it really helps and shows you you aren't the only one and that it is normal.

So hang in there girls. This too shall pass. Please don't believe that voice inside your head that says" I will never get better". I know it's hard to believe but you will get better. Be proactive and reach out for support and do what you need to get better. Hugs to all my fellow PPD mommas. Here's to HOPE!