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Blended Families
XP: Dad taking baby to sitter days off..
I guess I am reposting here because i want an opinion based on the blended family aspect. As in he treats SS one way and DD another. SS is 6 and DD is 7 weeks
Please let me know if I am out of line..
DH is off every other Monday because he works Monday through Saturday. His first day off since I have gone back to work is tomorrow. He says he is taking LO to the sitter. I asked why and he said he wants days off to himself. If he had something he had to do or was sick, I would understand. I have a 6 yo SS and most of the time before he was in kindergarten, from the time he was 11 mos (when I met him) up til he started school, he kept him on his days off. He said they could go do things and not be stuck sitting on the couch all day like he would be with her. Am I crazy for thinking this is unfair and wrong? SS wasn't always grown up enough to go do fun things with. I guess I just feel like if I had a day off during the week I'd love nothing more than to spend it with her. Not to mention, he thought I did nothing all day and had it easy while I was on maternity leave- so if it was so easy- why can't he do it 2 days a month? I don't get days to myself and wouldn't be taking her to the sitter while off unless I had something I had to get done or I was sick..
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Re: XP: Dad taking baby to sitter days off..
I don't see a problem with it personally.
It sounds more like sour grapes than an actual concern.
He works 6 days a week regularly? I am assuming that Sunday is a day you all spend together? Eh, give him a break. He deserves some quiet time. Everyone has their own needed amount of "me time." Now, if you're not getting your "me time" allottment met, or feel like you need more help around the house, that is a different conversation all together.
As for him keeping your SS on his days off, interacting with a 3,4,5,6 year old is different than taking care of an infant. It just is.
Just because your husband doesn't feel/act/want the same way you feel/act/want, doesn't make him wrong.
I need more information.
He's not wrong to want some time to himself. What kind of alone time do you get? Is he good about taking the baby and giving you time to do what you like?
You probably shouldn't compare the kids and the situations. Spending time with a baby is not like spending time with an older child. Spending time with a child that lives with you 100% of the time is not like spending time with a child who lives with you 50% of the time (or less).
To be totally honest, I'm a SAHM and I would side eye MH if he felt like he needed a whole day to himself every week. But I know he works 40 hours/week in a low stress desk job. When possible, we both try to give each other time away from the kids. He'll send me off to get a pedicure, and I'll send him shooting w/ my dad.
He wants to do nothing. He doesn't want to be bothered.
I understand an infant isn't "fun" I guess, but SS apparently was because he always kept him on his days off. I just feel like why isn't she important enough? I think I'm mad for both reasons- 1. he wouldn't do this to SS, and 2. should want to spend time with DD
He works Mon-Sat every week but is off every other Monday. I guess if it was a once in a while thing or he had something to do other than sit on his butt- it'd be ok.
He doesn't do much around the house & acts like its a big incovenience if I ask for help with household stuff or even getting up with LO.
I would be more upset about this than the sitter thing. And putting the two together would have me pretty irritated.
If it were me, I would let him know that if he's going to do that, he can do more around the house. Whether he wants to do it daily or on his day off is up to him.
But I wouldn't stand for not helping with the house and the kids AND taking an entire day to do nothing every single week.
Second, You cannot make a ONE TIME decision into a trend. You are LOOKING for something to unfavorably compare your child to stepchild.
Third, and a subset of two, THEN is not NOW? Seriously, he older, wiser, has different responsibilities and stressors, a different wife, TWO children vs one, etc. He may have realized that a happy/well rested daddy is a much better daddy.
Oh, and when DD was a baby, I would never ever want to leave her. Knowing what I know now, I should have taken more me time when she was smaller, I might have been a better mommy.
Agreed. This is less about the OP's H treating his kids differently and more about him being useless.
I'm curious. He wasn't with his first kid's mom when he was playing superdad, was he?
Click me, click me!
This. It does not sound like he thinks DD is less important, it sounds like he thinks he is now in a relationship and the Mother should do everything. I would focus on what he does and does not do with/for DD and not SS. I would talk to him to see if this is a one time or every time thing and if it every time I would tell him you want him and DD to bond and you need his help with her, if he refuses to ever spend time with her he will be seeing her EOW in the future... Don say that part.
Don't pressure him into taking care of a newborn. Some people aren't equipped to deal with the stresses of caring for an infant.
You weren't around when SS was a newborn, right? You can't compare or think he's not interested in her because he doesn't want to spend all day feeding her, changing her and rocking her. Comparing his care of a 6 year old to his care of a 7 week old is kind of silly.
For me it would come down to whether or not you have to pay the sitter for that day. If you pay a set amount per week no matter how many days LO is there, then I'd say he's just getting your money's worth. If you have to pay by the day, then I'd say that's wasteful and I would ask that he pay that out of his "fun money".
But I think your better off leaving your DD with the sitter than a daddy who isn't interested in helping around the house or taking care of her. Those things sound like the essence of your problem. Time for a heart to heart: "You had no problem helping me create her, now get off your azz and help me raise her."
I guess I should clarify/answer some questions.
DH and BM split up when SS was 7 mos, and were divorced by the time he was 9 mos. All throughout our relationship he told me how much he loved spending time with SS as a baby- BM worked evenings so they spent every evening together just the 2 of them- went for walks, played, etc. So he could have not been super dad while with BM, but this is what I've always heard. From 11 mos-now I can say that he always puts SS first, always. He never gives up 5 minutes of time with him unless he absolutely has to (work). Granted he doesn't see SS all of the time- but I venture to guess even if we did have full custody- he would still be the same way.
My concern is if this is on a regular basis I guess- not just one time. Especially if he starts getting SS in the summer & dropping LO off at the sitters on these days. I just feel like he has two children & he needs to act that way.
As far as helping- he does some. I won't say he is awful but I won't say he helps as much as he should. This isn't my main concern, though.
If he's otherwise a great, involved father, busting his chops over taking a day to himself seems really counter-productive. Expect him to enjoy his day off and be refreshed and ready to care for both his kids.
You should take a day for yourself sometimes, too!
Either he was just telling you what you wanted to hear or what would get you to drop trou or he's a misogynist who thinks women should do all the housekeeping and girls are decidedly less interesting than boys.
I suppose it's possible he doesn't know what to do with a girl but at 7 weeks old, this isn't an issue.
Click me, click me!
Try not to get upset about it no matter what. The only person you can control is yourself so don't try to push him to do what you want him to do or what you would do in his situation.
There's a difference between watching a baby in the evenings and all day. There's a difference in having 1 kid vs. 2. Maybe he feels really confident that your marriage is solid so he's not feeling like he's got to spend as much time as possible with DD before you file for divorce.
Try not to fall into mind reading or thinking you know why he did things or why he's doing things differently now. He does deserve some quiet time - as we all do. Moms just aren't as good at actually taking it.
ITA with this. I dont necc. agree with what he is doing, but you can't compare a 7 week old w a 11 mo old, or even a 7 mo old. I am about to have an infant again soon, so I am allowed to say this, but a 7 week old is just a pooping, eating blob (can you tell I don't really love the first 3 months?
) A 7 month old has a personality and is a lot more interactive and fun.
This does not excuse him from shirking his responsibilities, and I think if he pitched in more, in general, you might not feel as strongly about what he wants to do on Mondays. But I think you will just make yourself crazy with comparisons, when comparisons don't really make sense at this time.
Do you pay for the sitter regardless of if your baby goes or not? I personally don't see an issue with it, if you pay for the service. I am guilty of taking my DD to the babysitter when I took days off work, and I still do sometimes and she is 10.
I think it is MUCH different being that your SS doesn't live in the same house as your DH, so him wanting to spend time with him, is really different I think. It's really not comparable to him taking your DD to the babysitter.