How do you deal with it?

paisleybaby33 · April 2012

I went to dinner tonight with a group of dear friends, all of whom are mothers. I spend time with them on a weekly basis (we all live on the same stree - imagine Wisteria Lane minus the drama). Ever since the loss it has been so much harder to be around them because they tend to talk about their kids and babies, how they are coping as mothers, what they have planned for the summer (they are all either SAHM or teachers, which I am not) and I tend to feel left out and very lonely after our gatherings together. Its not so bad when its one-on-one because they all know my situation and are very sensitive to it when it is just two of us. But I'm finding it harder and harder to spend time with my friends who are moms, because I end up feeling bitter, lonely and left out, like I dont belong to this elite club of motherhood that I so badly want to be a part of. I know that their intentions are good, but it still hurts. I feel like I have only two options, either stop being friends with them (which I do not see as a real option - all but 2 of my close friends are moms) or suck it up and deal with it silently.

Do you encounter the same situations with friends and how do you cope?

panacea05 · April 2012

I'm so sorry.

I wish I had some advice, but I'm ashamed to admit that I've pretty much been living under a rock since November. I know it's probably not healthy, but it seems like every time I do venture out with friends, somebody unwittingly says something that makes me sad.

OSUJaydee · April 2012

I have a close friend in my group of girlfriends whose baby only lived 4 hours after birth and she has no other kids. Everyone else in the group is a mom. I try very hard when we get together to not talk about parenting and DS all the time because I remember when I had my first miscarriage how incredibly left out I felt in this group because I wasn't a mother. Even though I am a SAHM, I have plenty of other interests and things to talk about, but if I'm not careful, when I am around other moms I will tend to only talk about mom things.

Perhaps you could talk to one of the women in the group who you feel close to and let her know how you are feeling? Did any of them ever have a miscarriage? If so, I would be willing to bet they would understand how you are feeling and maybe be able to help make these gatherings not so lonely for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this loneliness in the group. I remember so well how that felt and I cried a lot when I would come home from being out with them. ((hugs))

CCline09 · April 2012

panacea05:
I'm so sorry.

I wish I had some advice, but I'm ashamed to admit that I've pretty much been living under a rock since November. I know it's probably not healthy, but it seems like every time I do venture out with friends, somebody unwittingly says something that makes me sad.

Pretty much this. I have been pretty much avoiding everyone except for my best friend who has no kids. So I do not have any advice except for take a break if you feel you need some space from them. They should understand considering your circumstances.

kpowers982 · April 2012

I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I find myself avoiding/not wanting to be around my mommy friends either. Or pretty much anyone, even my family. I pretty much like just being left alone.

Allie-Jo · April 2012

Yeah...I have 4 really close friends from highschool that I still am around all the time. ONE of them has not gotten KTFU on accident and she is trying desparately not to. I can only be with my accidental mommys so long before I need to be around the one with no desire to have kids. And don't get me wrong, she may not want kids but she is my biggest cheerleader and gets that I just need some asult only conversations. My best advice is to be with a friend once every two weeks or so that doesn't saturate the conversation with baby related things. Even once you get to the "accepting" stage you can only handle so much.

Chame90 · April 2012

kpowers982:
I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I find myself avoiding/not wanting to be around my mommy friends either. Or pretty much anyone, even my family. I pretty much like just being left alone.

This exactly. We are with you! It is hard to work through these feelings especially feeling so alone. ((hugs))

kat530_528 · April 2012

That's really tough. As some PPs said, you can try to talk to the ladies you feel closest to and this way things will most definitely change in the group. Or, the suggestion I have is send an e-vite to the ladies for a luncheon or whatever and in the e-mail say something like "For a day without kids/husbands where we talk about neither..." This way you're not really asking them to stop talking about their kids for personal reasons but you're still going to get the desired result. And if at any point one of them starts talking about either topic you can then say "We're not talking about this today."

Rachaeleigh · April 2012

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. Something I also did was focus on other friendships and try to nurture them. I haven't walked away from friends w kids but I definitely have over the years taken a break to hang with others. My best friend intentionally gotten pregnant after my 2nd pregnancy, so we could be preg together. well, then I had a mc. That sucked. I talked it out with a trusted friend so I could get my feelings out and then ultimately made the decision that I won't hurt forever and didn't want to abandon the friendship in the long run, so I was just honest and open w the pregnant friend as much as possile about where I was emotionally at any given day. She was really great through the process. Hope you find some resolution

juttek30 · April 2012

This is such a hard situation because you certainly don't want to alienate your friends who are neighbors, but at the same time, they should totally understand that you are having a rough time listening to their kids' stories all the time. I am sure once I have my take-home baby, I'll want to talk about my baby all the time. However, now I know that I've been there, if someone in the group doesn't belong in the "mommy club" that there are plenty of other appropriate topics to talk about. I agree with PPs that you should make a special request for one night of no-kid talk and see how it goes. Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

s.alarie · April 2012

If you feel more comfortable hanging out with one at a time, do that instead. Maybe during those times, you can bring up how uncomfortable you are when you're all together. Maybe suggest that they have playdates with their kids, and they can talk about kids and motherhood at those times; suggest that when you have a girls night out, talk about EVERYTHING but kids.

That said, I don't think I could do it. I think I'd rather live under a rock like PP.

I can only kinda relate to what you're going through. I do have a DS; most of my mom friends are pregnant with #2, or TTC#3. (((big hugs))) to you.

Mom2anAngel2 · April 2012

I feel like all of my friends have kids as well. It drives me crazy because they think that it is a "safe" and "distracting" topic to discuss their kids just becuase it is not related to our loss or TTCAL. I hate it. I too feel so left out and empty inside. I usually just don't say anything and just sit quitely (inside I am crying about how unfair it is). As for get togethers, I tend to avoid them as much as possible. I just do not like being around others, especially knowing that this is what they are going to be talking about. I would prefer to be alone.

I know that this does not fix the problem, but at least I don't sit there beating myself up. I would rather avoid people and feel like I am surviving, then to spend hours crying about it afterward. ((HUGS)) I wish none of us had to deal with these situations.

kristina_1016 · April 2012

You're not alone. I think we are all in this one together. I bailed on our last "girls day" because all they do is talk about their kids. Before I was pregnant I didn't mind it, and I felt so excited listening to their stories waiting to experience that. Now I just feel depressed. Everything about a miscarriage changes you...

EKGibs · April 2012

this. I'm sorry you have to go through that. (((((hugs))))))

BunnyJenny · April 2012

I'm going to assume they all know about your loss.... What I did was talk to them one-on-one about how it hurt to hear that as the ONLY topic of conversation and although I can't stop the world about thinking/talking about babies/being moms I'd really appreciate it if they could also talk about topics that I could have some input in..... otherwise I'd be tempted to hide away and I'd really miss them as friends...

AngnShaun · April 2012

I could have wrote this myself. I stopped drinking in these situations because that made it worse, or i drink i just dont get drunk lol... i tend to leave these situations earlier than i would normally also. Except Thursday they will all be at my house for book club so i wont be able to leave early. Some of them know what im going through so they tend to be a little less omg mom stuff mom stuff mom stuff... kids kids kids... but they still talk about it A LOT!

There is one other girl in our book club that doesnt have kids so we tend to sit next to each other more often than not...

When im around them outside of book club its usually with their kids around which can be hard sometimes, but most of the time im ok because my niece is my shadow and shes the coolest 4 year old ever lol so its not as bad.

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