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Success after IF
Those who have suffered a loss or losses
Can you share with me how you coped during the hard times? I'm having a really hard time right now and 99.8% of me wants to give up.
I know that I want to be a mom and I want to experience pregnancy - but I'm just starting to feel like it is never going to happen. I'm scared to death to try again, in fear that it will end in another loss. Factor V has been tested and was negative - we're waiting on the chromosomes to come back.
Would we do IVF? Yes, if our insurance covered it or we had millions of dollars to drop - but we do not.
I don't think that we are on board for adoption either. We're just not in that mind frame and there's no way that we have the money for it either.
Help me get out of this funky place, please.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Those who have suffered a loss or losses
Oh Hon.... I don't have any really good bits of wisdom for you but I wanted to offer a (((((HUG)))))
What helped? Time and frankly - a healthy pregnancy.
I know - that's a catch 22 in your mind right now. I know it seems impossible to consider that you could ever have a healthy pregnancy. It's a dark dark place.
My due date came and went and I still was not pregnant again. That due date was one of the hardest days of my life. My soul ached for that child that should have been on the verge of being born but instead was already physically long gone.
All I can say is that you do have more strength than you realize. It's a dark time but you will get thru it. You will persevere. You will find answers and you will have a child.
You're way to stubborn not to!! ***wink, wink***
The drive is stronger than the heart ache.
Hang in there.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Just lurking, what to stop by and give you a giant hug
My situation was a little different in that our loss occurred after we already had a child, so I don't think I have any tidbits of wisdome but hang in there.
You're stronger than you think!! HUGS!!
I'm not sure how I got through it-- my pg losses were back to back, like yours. ?I was definitely very low, esp. after my ectopic ruptured and I lost my tube. ?I remember going around saying I'd never have kids, that I was infertile, that my husband should leave me, etc. ?Time healed my wounds, I guess, and I started TTC again a few months later and I really kept my chin up through that whole process, including my cancelled IVF cycle and my horrid BFP IVF cycle that only produced 1 egg (my son
). ?
I guess I just knew deep down that I would get pregnant and have a child someday. ?DH and I were lucky enough to have financial security and we were pretty committed to paying as much money as we had to to have a child. ?I also just thought that I had a good chance at having a baby, since I'd been pregnant twice before. ?My RE said "you will have a family biologically" when she met me-- she said she was 100% certain of that-- and I believed her. ?
Thank you for pointing out the things that I can't see right now! You have a very good argument.
I had three losses in about a year and a half. Each time I got pregnant the first three times, all with drugs and all costing money. I drank a lot (I'm not kidding at all here), and I made jokes. Lots of jokes. I (sort of always was) became a very cynical and sarcastic person, constantly making jokes about how I have a uterus of doom, or God was trying to tell me something, or "Oh look. I'm knocked up again. Good thing I thoroughly enjoy general anesthesia and those blankets they give you right out of the microwave at the hospital." All, not healthy. But you know what, I kept my sanity. I don't recommend the same approach for anyone else, and it helped that my friends got it and at times appreciated how funny I was, but I'm sure it made those that didn't "live through it" with me uncomfortable. It took us awhile to be in the right mind and place to adopt, and honestly now, we still want to as we don't want to go through the last two years again and with no known diagnosis of WHY I SUCK, it looks like we have some of the same in store for us in the future. It sucks, and it will, probably for a very long time (even now I have doubts that this is real and that we'll come home with a baby), but it was something, for us, that we just got used to. It got to the point, and I say this with the utmost casual and collected self, that if something in our lives happened that others would freak over, we let it slip right off our backs. Because we became different people. People who can handle a whole lot more now. People who can DEAL better now. People who just have a different view of what "normal" is. Crappy things happen to good people, we just got more than our share. I always said to myself that if it was me, it wasn't my neighbor or my sister or my best friend, because we're all just part of a statistic; that I made it through so they didn't have to. That is about the only thing that gave me peace at times. Well, that and Coors Light.
You just have to get up each day and make it through, thats it. Just one day at a time. One step at a time. Something will happen, something will change your 'luck", or you'll either find that you have made a different decision about what you want, or you'll realize that what you want has morphed into what you have. You will not always be in this mind set, and looking back you will see how whatever mindset you are in in a month or a year or 5 years, you could have never expected to get to. Good luck T.
I had 3 losses in less than a years time along with my fallopian tubes and the ability to conceive without IVF ever again. I went to therapy, acupuncture, took long walks with my dog and talked to my IF friends. Was any of it the magic cure? No.. not at all. I can't say that anything will ease the pain except maybe time.
I even have to admit, and you might think I am crazy for saying it, but even though I have 3 beautiful healthy boys, I still morn those three I lost. I still wonder.. what if? What were they? What would I be doing if one of them had made it? At this point, I just have to look at my babies and know that these were the babies I was *meant* to have. And you will see that in your childs eyes someday to. You will. huggs.
I agree with all of the pp when they say time will help you to heal. The 3 months following my m/c are a blur. I remember days when DH would have to turn on the shower for me, open the blinds, and physically help me get out of bed or I'd just stay there all day. I talked a lot with my friends that were going through IF and avoided my friends that had kids. I tried to treat myself to special things but honestly most of the time I just wasn't in the mood. For a long time I woke up everyday thinking today I'd be _weeks pg. It was so hard to break myself of that habit. I threw myself into doing different things when I had the energy to try. When my due date for the m/c came I was pg again but I was still a mess and spent most of the day alone. I still get upset about my m/c and still cry about it from time to time.
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. They do get better and you won't feel this way forever. Hang in there.
Clomid M/C 8 weeks 2/08 *IVF #1-DD born 3/09
*Surprise BFP-T18 baby lost at 13w 1/10 *FET #1-DS born 2/11
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience with me. Reading your experiences brought tears to my eyes.
I know I don't have to explain to you how much my heart is broken and that someday I will not be in this place. It just hurts to know that this is where I am today, but I'm thankful that I have the future to look forward to.
You're all very inspiring to me and like my mom has always told me "Where there's a will, there's a way". Someday I'll be a Mommy. I can't wait to celebrate in the joys of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby in my arms to bring home.
Thank you again...
(((HUGS)))
T
We wanted to give up so many times. I used to say that we weren't continuing treatment out of hope, it was because the alternative was still worse. I lost the luxury of hope after my 3rd loss. Living childless was not an option for us and we weren't quite ready for adoption at the time, so we just kept pressing forward.
My only way to cope was to make sure that I had done all of the testing that I could, and the best treatment possible. It certainly wasn't cheap, but we made sacrifices and we are continuing to pay for treatment.
I made it through each loss and each IF treatment failure by always having a plan for what we would try next. It seemed to hurt so much worse when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. By always having a clear plan for what we would do next, it made it easier for me to cope. We were very resolute that if IVF 3 failed that we would adopt, and the more I researched it, the more excited I became about it. So much so that now I can't wait to do both international and domestic adoption.
GL! I'm sorry you are in such a rough place. I promise it will all be worth it someday.
EverAfterInMI's post reminded me of something that is so true. ?When I had my first m/c, a friend who had lost 2 pregnancies before having her son told me that, in a way, she was glad she never had those babies because she wouldn't have had her son and that she truly felt that he was the baby that she was supposed to have. ?I cannot tell you how true that is and how I really and truly feel that way as well. ?If one of my other pregnancies had worked out, I would have a different child, a wonderful child to be sure but not my little Maso Man as I call him. ?
My point is that someday you will also have a child and you will actually look back on these miscarriages and be thankful for the way that things worked out to lead you to your child. ?Of course, you'll never forget your lost angels but someday you will have a child who is so wonderful that he or she (or they) will wipe away much of the pain. ?
The road is painful and terrible and seems like it goes on forever but the end result will be worth it-- trust me
?
Tarah,
I had 2 losses in one year - one in the 2nd trimester. I can tell you that the holidays were just so tough. I actually wanted to give up and just pursue adoption. DH wanted to try again. I remember after my 2nd loss DH and I got into a huge fight because he as a man couldn't truly understand how much it meant for me to have a child.
We weren't trying and then got pregnant 2 weeks after my m/c. My obgyn says that is a miracle to get pregnant so soon afterwards. (tested one month after)
I can say that there are days when I never thought I would be a mom (and I still have those days). When I had my 2nd tri loss, a religious person at the hospital told me that his mom had 3 losses before him and he is glad she kept trying. That really stuck with me and I realized 1) m/c are common and a lot don't discuss them 2) some people give up, but I wanted to never wonder 'what if'.
Hugs to you, Tarah! I can tell you that I agree with EVERAFTER that even with 'success' you think about your lost babies. It never gets easier. You always wonder how your life would be if those babies had lived.
I can say that my current pregnancy is bittersweet because I got pregnant before my due date. Although I'm super happy and I love my baby - if I had - had my other son I wouldn't be having this baby. I still get sad when I see people online that have babies that are the age that he would have been.
I don't think there's any way out of the funk, really, just through it.
I found focusing on something else helped a little (I decided to apply to go back to school and put my energy into researching that), but not completely. I fell apart. I cried and threw things and it gets better and then worse again.
You will absolutely survive it. Lean on the people who love you and don't think you have to survive it quietly or alone.
I'm late in this post but wanted to say that time does help. I did a lot worse healing after my 1st mc than my 2nd. I think the hope left me after the first mc even though it was earlier. I kept thinking about my due date and looking at myself in a mirror wondering what my belly would look like if I was still pregnant. I think I was in denial of the 2nd one. Like it didn't happen. I felt so much better after talking to my RE and knowing that she had faith in what we were doing. Now when I look at my little boy I know that those mc's happened so that I could have him. You will be a mommy someday we all have faith in you and all the other girls on TTTC!
BTW- I don't even think about the mc's and wonder how old the babies would be- but this was just until recently that I was able to move past thinking that way. But I'm sure some people still do and it helps them.... there is no right or wrong way to feel after dealing with IF and losses.
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
I agree with elliek - you really just have to slog your way through the bad times and know that there are better days ahead. After my first m/c DH and I kept plans we'd made to get away for our 1st anniversary, thinking the change of scene would help. But our first night there I got a call from my RE saying we needed to get a rhogam shot ASAP, so we ended up finding some podunk ER and spending hours there waiting to be tested, get the shot, etc. We had to cancel a lot of the plans we had (I couldn't swim, hike, have sex, etc.) so really it was this wierdly subdued weekend where we pretended we were enjoying ourselves but there was this elephant following us around that we didn't really talk about
The following weekend back home DH went out to run errands on Saturday and I spent the whole day on the couch watching sad movies and just sobbing my heart out. He came home in the afternoon and was so upset that I'd just been alone and crying all day - but I think I needed the space to really grieve.
Our second loss was a triplet at 9 weeks, and while I ended up with 2 healthy beautiful boys who mean the world to me - I still feel the loss of that baby. But as pp have said - these are the babies I was meant to have, and loving them as I do now, I can't honestly say I'd want to change anything if it meant I wouldn't have my Teddy and Robie.
You are so strong and you will only grow stronger through this adversity. Oone day you will hold a healthy baby in your arms and know that you would suffer through it ten times over for your child. Lean on us and lean on friends and family, and don't let your hope go - hold on to it with everything you have, and keep on going. One day, you WILL have the baby you are meant to have!