unhappy MIL (gender disappointment, vent-ish) — The Bump
September 2012 Moms

unhappy MIL (gender disappointment, vent-ish)

honestly, i don't know what to do.

we had our reveal party yesterday, and had my family (mom, dad, sister), DH's family (MIL, FIL via Skype, and his ten siblings) over to find out the gender of our baby.  when we cut the cake, and saw the pink inside, i was SO excited! so was everyone else...except MIL, who gave a half-smile and then went off to finish talking to FIL in private. the rest of the party, she was quiet and sullen, barely saying two words to us.

DH and i are both convinced by her reactions and some things that she said to us both that she and FIL were wanting a grandson, not a third granddaughter. both she and FIL were CONVINCED it was a boy, and had been saying as much since the very beginning. in addition to that, DH's brother just had his second daughter, and we are worried that they wanted a little boy, and that another little girl is a letdown to them. i can't help but feel a little hurt and upset, as does DH. this is something we couldn't control, and we are VERY happy, as are my parents, sister, and all the siblings-in-law. 

:: sigh :: it just hurts us both. anyone else dealing with family gender disappointment? what did you do? 2TMs, how did you avoid hurting your child or having them know that they were not the wanted gender by a family member? :/

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Re: unhappy MIL (gender disappointment, vent-ish)

  • Sorry, but it sounds like your IL's need to get a grip! They should just be happy you are having a happy and healthy baby! You cant control what you have and there is no reason to have gender disappointment! Thats just dumb. Sorry for being blunt but thats how I feel. So what if this is there 3rd granduaghter.  My grandparents are on their 4th great granduaghter and could care less if this one is a girl too, as long as the baby is healthy is all that matter plus my mom is got 3 granduaghters and on this one maybe as well and she is fine with that!  Your MIL will get over it and if she doesnt well she may not be one to have have around if she feels like  that!

    GL and hope all works out fine 

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  • I had a similar reaction from my MIL. She really wanted a girl because she has 3 boys. I was too happy and excited to let it bother me. I dont get gender preference.. as long as its healthy, who cares
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  • Mil needs to grow the eff up! Who cares if she's disappointed, don't let her rain on your parade.
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  • My IL's are hoping for a boy since my BIL just had a baby girl in October (their fist grandchild).  We are also hoping for a boy, however, I know either way they will be just as happy.  Hopefully your MIL will come to her senses and get over herself. 
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  • ehh - they will get over it. I was the first born in my family and then we had 6 boys in a row. My grandparents had a sigh of disappointment at first when each boy came because they wanted another baby girl (I am 10 years older than my cousins), but that was short lived. They love each and every one of their grandsons, moreso once they saw and held them. 

    Your inlaws will get over it and if they don't, they get reduced time with their grandchild. No need to subject your LO to that. 


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  • I wouldn't worry about it too much.  She will get over it & will love her 3rd granddaughter just as much as the others.  I know her reaction was disappointing, but just focus on your family's excitement & your own as well.
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  • I think that is HORRIBLE. I would be pissed and deeply hurt. I don't know how I would handle this if I were you. I am sorry but don't let her get you down! Girls are awesome!

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  • I would be really hurt too. It makes me crazy to have people "hope" for a certain sex of my baby, as it just leads to disappointment for something that is out of everyone's control. 

    I'm glad your parents and sister and siblings-in-law were appropriately excited for you. I'm pretty sure that your child probably won't feel the brunt of this because she will be so adorable, your inlaws will probably be in love at first sight.

    However, if the disappointment and rudeness wasn't just a one-time-they-were-really-surprised-and-thus-behaved-badly kind of thing, then I would have DH talk to them. Have him point out that they seem disappointed and that y'all would like their support in celebrating the fact that you are having a healthy baby. If he's the direct type, he could note that you both would hate for your wonderful little girl to think she is in any way a disappointment, but that you are worried about their negativity construing such. 

    Anyway, congrats on your girl! And I hope your in-laws get over it and are celebrating like they should be.  


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  • Keep in mind she may just need some time to take in that it is a girl...a friend of mine was convinced she was having a little boy and then the ultrasound showed it was a girl and she needed about a good week to get used to the idea...now she is super excited about a little girl.

    I don't think there is any reason your LO needs to know that their grandparents didn't want another girl and I would certainly hope the grandparents never say anything to the child to this end....I would def limit their time with her if they did.

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  • My ILs were the same one with my first pregnancy.  I heard so many "It's a boy for sure" comments before we knew that it gave me a bit of satisfaction to tell them it was a girl and prove them wrong with all their "instincts."  I'm hearing the same thing again on this pregnancy.  They'll get used to it and once the baby is here it will probably not even be an issue but I totally understand being hurt by them acting disappointed.  They should just be excited for a new healthy grandbaby on the way. 
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  • You can't be sure that's why your MIL was sullen - it sounds to me like you're making an assumption.  You have no way of knowing what's going on in her life or why she may have been quiet during the party.  Not that her behavior was cool no matter the reason behind it, but I'd caution you to not be too hurt when you don't know for sure what's going on with her.

    Couldn't DH just call her and be like "hey mom, wife and I felt like you were pretty quiet yesterday.  Is everything okay with you?"  If it is, indeed, disappointment over the sex of your baby, toughshit.   

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  • image mlf625:

    You can't be sure that's why your MIL was sullen - it sounds to me like you're making an assumption.  You have no way of knowing what's going on in her life or why she may have been quiet during the party.  Not that her behavior was cool no matter the reason behind it, but I'd caution you to not be too hurt when you don't know for sure what's going on with her.

    Couldn't DH just call her and be like "hey mom, wife and I felt like you were pretty quiet yesterday.  Is everything okay with you?"  If it is, indeed, disappointment over the sex of your baby, toughshit.   

    Exactly.   Check to make sure nothing else is going on, maybe give the benefit of the doubt and allow a few days for them to adjust to the idea (as a PP mentioned), but beyond that, not much you can do.  If the comments/attitude continues after DD is born, severely limit her time with them--she absolutely does not need to hear "we wish you were someone else".

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  • km3km3
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    We're dealing with a little bit of that too.  Everyone in the family who had a preference before our a/s wanted it to be a girl.  Well, it's a boy!

    My mom was one of the people who was hoping for a girl.  Her reason - she has a 12 year old grand-daughter and loves doing girly stuff with her and wants to do the same with mine.  Before the a/s I told her that if it's a boy, she'll just get to do difference stuff with him.  Once she realized that, she pushed her preference out of her mind.

    There are a few people on my husband's side who were pulling for a girl because there are already a few little boys in that family.  If we get any negativity from them, I'll probably just blow it off cause there's nothing we can do about it.

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  • (It won't let me edit my original post)

    You might also remind her that her sons are the ones determining that all these babies are girls... Just sayin'. Wink 

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  • "2TMs, how did you avoid hurting your child or having them know that they were not the wanted gender by a family member? :/"

     

    I don't think its necessary AT ALL to let your child know this, if in fact that is even what the issue with your MIL is. You're probably feeling emotional and woe-is-me because of what you presume was a reaction to the news its a girl. But really, by the time your little girl is born, everyone has a chance to get to know her, and she's old enough to understand what being a girl vs being a boy even is, there's no way your MIL is going to still be upset that she's a girl (if that's even what she's upset about in the first place).

    And if, for some odd reason, your DD gets to that point and your MIL is still acting funny, then I'm with the PPs about limiting the time they spend together and just take it from there.

    For now, I like the suggestion of having your DH ask her casually what her deal is, or else I'd ignore it all together.

    Don't let this get you down, mama!!

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  • I feel your pain. When we got pregnant with DC2 all we heard from the ILs was boy this boy that blah blah blah. Well at 21wks when we found out that it was in fact, a second daughter, FIL just said "ok" to the news. Yeah that made me feel awesome. We threw such a fit over how they acted with my second pregnancy that I am on my 3rd and they haven't said a peep about it being a boy. I don't give a shiz if they want a boy [which is stupid, because we can't control it AND because it's not THEIR child and they really should have no preference whatsover] as long as they don't voice it for us or our girls to hear. People act stupid when you're pregnant and except in extreme cases, really don't care once they get to hold that baby. 

    I'm excited/dreading finding out what this baby is because I will punch anyone who has any kind of negative reaction if this is our 3rd girl. Gender Disappointment is such a huge pet peeve of mine. 

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  • I will never understand the gender dissapointment.  With all the heartache in this world, it's tragic that we can't celebrate someone bringing a baby into our families to love. 

    As far as dealing with your child....unless your ILs have serious mental problems, I think they'll be fine once the baby arrives and there's no need for your daughter to ever find out that they were upset by the news.  I don't think this is an issue you're going to have to work through with your child.  Just  highly unlikely.

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  • She's being very immature. I am dealing with this somewhat-- my mom is in shock that we are having a boy and keeps asking if maybe the sonographer saw the baby's arm and mistook it for a penis. She even thinks I should wait to buy any baby boy things just in case. I wish she'd just stop asking. It's a penis, [email protected] it. Get over it. Good luck. 
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  • I really don't understand people getting that disappointed in something no one has any control over... it's not like you intentionally decided this!  Hopefully, as someone else pointed out, there was something else going on.

    In my case, my mother miscarried a little boy before she had me and my Grandfather was upset about me being the first born since he wanted a grandson from my father who was his favorite.  I didn't know this until much later, of course.  But looking back on my early childhood I can see how one might say I was treated more as a boy by my grandfather.  Getting a tricycle that looked like a motorcyle, being dressed up in boots, corudory pants, collared shirts and driving caps, taught to tie knots (grandfather and dad were both Coast Guard).  The only times I really wore dresses was for church, holidays or other special events and I think this is because I spent most of the time with my grandfather.

    This isn't something I view as a negative and I'm glad I got such a neutral upbringing early on -- even though now I know this was not how my mother viewed it and was a huge point of contention between her and my grandfather.

  • I am a FTM and my MIL was worried that if we have a little girl she won't get any attention. Wtf?? I thought this was horrible... And guess what?! It's a girl! They will just have to get over themselves and whatever issues they have.  

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