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I'm Hurt!

rachi1285rachi1285
in Blended Families

So I just had a conversation with my mom about the fact that DH still feels like my family hasn't accepted him. We'll be married a year in July and have been together for a total of two and a half years. My mom said she's always been critical of DH because of his divorce and was always worried about me being involved with him (my family is very conservative). They don't even know half his story! He's a totally different person now, I firmly believe that and see evidence of it! Anyway, I asked my mom if she believes that we're happy and she said no! She still has doubts about us! I'm so hurt! Really? You just told your newlywed daughter that you don't like her husband and don't think she's going to be happy?! Yes, I complain about DH and the kids sometimes, but who doesn't? She sees us together often enough and sees us happy. I don't know how to convince her and I shouldn't have to. Right? Anyone else have to convince family? 

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Re: I'm Hurt!

  • SchrodingerSchrodinger member

    I'd stop venting to your mom about your relationship.  You know that she is critical of things, so all the negatives that she hears are just going to reinforce her negative perception.  If she starts to say negative things about him to you, have a few phrases that deflect her and stop the conversation.  "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I don't want to discuss this with you."

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  • offbeatmamaoffbeatmama
    That sucks. I don't think you should or even can convince her that your H is awesome and you're happy. I would try to figure out what you want from her. Do you want her to make an effort to spend time with DH? Not criticize him? I would try telling her that you're hurt that she doesn't like or accept your H and that you don't want to hear about it but you want her to do X, Y, and Z. You can't force the relationship but you might be able to make it less hurtful to your H.
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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member
    Ditto pp about stopping the venting to your mom. Also, do you think that maybe she sees something you don't?? Not saying your mom has a valid reason for not liking your DH, but it seems like there's more to the story than you're sharing with us.

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  • lona.hunn@gmail.comlona.hunn@gmail.com

    imagePrettyInPearls23:
    Ditto pp about stopping the venting to your mom. Also, do you think that maybe she sees something you don't?? Not saying your mom has a valid reason for not liking your DH, but it seems like there's more to the story than you're sharing with us.

    This is what I'm thinking. My mom and family hated my second exH. They saw all his insecurities and weakness. I was too close to the situation to get a full grasp on who he really was.


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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    My dad wouldn't say anything to me but bringing home a man with a kid was pretty taboo. I'm sorry your parents are being judgmental I think that's really crappy. Parents just always want their kids to be completely happy and being with someone with a past can be scary. I read a stat though that 60% of American women are in a relationship with a man with a child. Blended families are very common these days. In the end though I'd tell your parents to keep it to themselves. The last thing you need is someone feeling negatively about your marriage.
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  • acardona1010acardona1010 member

    My dad was really upset when I first told them DH had kids already.  It took him a while to come around.  I think when my grandpa died it really showed him how quickly people can go because his attitude changed pretty quick.  We've been together for 7 years, married 2 1/2.  We went to tell my parents last weekend that we're pregnant an they're elated.  My dad even called to say that my SKids are so ell behaved and great to be around.  He said DH had done a good job and would be a great daddy.

    My point is that they probably just need time to see that y'all really are happy.  As you can see it took my parents quite a while to come around and DH still feels funny around them.  Either way, as long as y'all are happy, that is the only thing that matters.  Don't let anyone else ruin it! :) 

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  • OoglybearOoglybear member
    imageJNL$LSM:
    imageSchrodinger:

    I'd stop venting to your mom about your relationship.  You know that she is critical of things, so all the negatives that she hears are just going to reinforce her negative perception.  If she starts to say negative things about him to you, have a few phrases that deflect her and stop the conversation.  "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I don't want to discuss this with you."

    NEVER EVER VENT to family members, friends, or associates. YES I say friends because sometimes friends are like family. They are not there when you kiss and make up. All they hear is so and so hurt the person they love.

    Definitely this. 

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  • honeybee #1honeybee #1
    I wouldn't waste time trying to convince her. Time will tell. It's really too bad she doesn't have more faith in your judgement. I'm pretty familiar with your situation, A lot of people told us the same thing and we've been together for 7 years now. Blow it off and find someone else to vent to. Here works.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I don't. Seriously my Mom raised me to know not to complain to your Mom about your DH bc that will affect the relationship, they will always take your side but when you forgive they will not. And I only told my Mom a tiny bit of the issues we had with SD even when things got horrible in her senior year of has (we had full custody). Find someone else to talk to and even then watch what you say. Your Mom loves you and she is older and likely wise, she knows that his last marriage ended in divorce and that statistically means his second has less of a chance of working, she wants you happy and on occasion you complained which makes her think you are not. You now have to prove her wrong. 
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • emikatemikat member

    She just wants you to be happy. My mom was also worried about me and my relationship with DH. We both have gone through divorces and he has a 4 year old son. Her reaction when I told her we were getting married was "why?" She worried about the effects a blended family would have and the toll it would take on me. She would constantly tell me I sounded depressed and unhappy on the phone. But as she saw us together, slowly, over time she saw how much we loved each other and has come around. Don't force your DH on your mom. But understand her love and worry for you. She will come around.  

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  • J&A2008J&A2008 member

    I'd let it go.  The best thing you can do is step back and let it go.  

    My mom was reluctant for a time.  I had just gotten out of a major relationship and she felt I was rushing into things with DH.  She was right, and I was, but me trying to convince her it was the right thing at the time wouldn't have worked.  She's completely supportive now and loves our family.  

    DH knows she's very supportive, too, so much so that he moved all of us a mile down the road from her last year.  I think she's been very wise in building a good relationship with him, since it's definitely paid off in her favor! 

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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