XP: How would you respond to this?

jetskreemr · April 2012

We're planning DD's first birthday party in June. DH's mother has 5 siblings and they are all very close, we celebrate all holidays together, go to their kids' grad parties, showers, etc. So we were planning to invite these 5 sets of aunts/uncles. When I mentioned it to DH's mom, she stopped me and said that she would like to "feel them out" to see if they would even want to come. (???) The next day, she forwarded me the email response from one of the aunts who was asked. The aunt started out by saying how lucky MIL is to have a grandchild in town, and then said "If a notice went out for cake, ice cream and no gifts, that would be great!"

Not that I am fishing for gifts here, but it struck me as odd that she specified we were to say "no gifts please" in order for them to come. We were just wanting to celebrate our DD's first b-day with about 20 relatives/friends, and then wouldn't have a big shindig like this in the future. I wasn't planning to say anything about gifts on the invitations at all, and if people wanted to bring them or not, we were cool with anything. So now I am wondering, is it best to specify "no gifts please" on first birthday invites? Or do I need to write that on there due to her "requirement" if we are to invite the aunts/uncles? Or do I only write it on that set of aunt/uncle invites -- but then if I do that, would it be weird if other people brought gifts after these aunts/uncles were told not to bring gifts? I really don't know what is best to do for this situation, so any ideas are appreciated! TIA!

ksulli · April 2012

Seems odd to say, "I'll come if you feed me, but not if you want something". I try to make a habit of bringing something when I go to someone's house and they feed me- a bottle of wine, flowers, cookies- nothing big.

I do think the general idea of a birthday party leaves most invites feeling obligated to bring something. If you mark "no gifts please" I think some people would still bring something small- id probably bring a book because that doesn't 'spoil' the child or create mess in the house, which is usually the thought process behind 'no gifts please'.

pettycrocker · April 2012

I would send out normal invitations saying the time/place etc and if they don't want to come because they're not sure about buying a gift or not then they can all eff right off.

That seems a little ridiculous. It's a b-day party, granted it's for a baby but wth? That whole thing would just irritate me, especially if you make a point to be a part of whatever it is that they are celebrating without any stupid "conditions" of your involvement.

hecallsmecat · April 2012

Mrs Castillo:

I would send out normal invitations saying the time/place etc and if they don't want to come because they're not sure about buying a gift or not then they can all eff right off.

That seems a little ridiculous. It's a b-day party, granted it's for a baby but wth? That whole thing would just irritate me, especially if you make a point to be a part of whatever it is that they are celebrating without any stupid "conditions" of your involvement.

This exactly, well said. I find it bizarre that they not only would not want to bring a gift, but want you to request that no one brings a gift. I would never ever show up at someone's house for dinner without bringing something, let alone a child's birthday party. If they don't want to give the kid a gift then they do not have to come and celebrate. It's not like you're talking about a teenager who would want expensive video games or something. How hard is it to buy a little token $10 gift for a baby? I'd be a bit annoyed if I were in your position and I certainly wouldn't write "no gifts please" on an invitation.

Sorry you have to deal with this. I can see how it might be an uncomfortable situation with your MIL.

LnR70707 · April 2012

I wouldn't put anything about gifts at all on the invites. If aunt doesn't come or says something about it, just politely respond that you chose to follow traditonal invite etiquette (which says including any gift/no gift requests is tacky).

XSailoretteX · April 2012

Just send out the invitation and whether she comes with a gift or not is up to her. It kind of sounds like she was being a little tongue in cheek, especially since she has a close relationship with the person she was e-mailing.

swimiz500 · April 2012

L&R70707:
I wouldn't put anything about gifts at all on the invites. If aunt doesn't come or says something about it, just politely respond that you chose to follow traditonal invite etiquette (which says including any gift/no gift requests is tacky).

This. I cannot stand when people put "no gifts" because you know someone is showing up with a gift, so you never know what to do. Also, this aunt sounds like a real piece of work. Someone should probably inform her that it isn't her party to dictate, and that she is more than free to decline the invitation. But to insist that you make your own child's party gift free? Ridiculous, no matter how you feel about it. I have a birthday every year and guess what? People give me gifts. When they have birthdays, I then give them gifts.

Obviously, this lady has angered me for you. You should not have to put up with such nonsense. Just tell MIL that you don't want to tell people what they can and cannot bring, that you'd rather leave it up to the guest, and then just leave it at that.

IlliniQT · April 2012

It's a birthday part for eff's sake -- I don't think putting "no gifts" is normal. If people want to bring a gift, I think that's pretty normal, and if they don't, I wouldn't think anything of it.

boogerbearoriginal · April 2012

XSailoretteX:
Just send out the invitation and whether she comes with a gift or not is up to her. It kind of sounds like she was being a little tongue in cheek, especially since she has a close relationship with the person she was e-mailing.

I think Sailorette brought up a good point, perhaps it was meant as a joke - like I'll come for food, haha, winkwink?

Send out the invites without any mention of gifts and she will either come or not.

iheartmyllama · April 2012

I'd say, send out the invitations how you want to and if they don't come bc it didn't say 'please no gifts', that's their decision.

jetskreemr · April 2012

Thanks everyone. Yes, the more I read your responses, and talked it over with DH, the more I realized how insane it all was. We will definitely just send out our invites as we had planned with no mention of gifts at all, and if she has an issue with it then that's her problem. We are going to celebrate our baby's birthday with or without her!

mrsdoodlebug · April 2012

Your IL's sound a little nuts. Can you do us all a favor and lets us know if the aunt actually ends up coming and if she brings a gift? I would love to know.

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