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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Not Over Miscarriage...Sorry, Long
Wow, haven't posted on here in AGES but needed a place to vent...
I miscarried about a month ago. 2nd baby, have a healthy, 20 month old girl. Something was just off about this pregnancy from the start...dunno how else to explain it. Kept telling myself that every pregnancy is different, etc. but something just didn't feel right. Then around 7 weeks the cramping and bleeding started. Went to the midwife and told myself it was just a SCH like with my daughter and saw my baby alive on ultrasound with a strong heartbeat but that night I lost it...
It's been nearly a month and I just can't seem to get over it. We haven't had internet for the past 5 months but just set it up yesterday and as soon as I got on Facebook and saw newborns, just broke down and cried inconsolably all through the evening/night. This aside, I've had trouble sleeping ever since the miscarriage.
I know the whole spiel from the midwife about how I "didn't cause this, couldn't have prevented it" and such is standard but I am having a hard time believing it. Initially I didn't blame myself but how many mothers back in the day who were heavy smokers were probably told their babies' problems weren't their fault, couldn't have been prevented, etc? It's driving me crazy that I may have done something to cause this. I know it's irrational and may be unlikely but I'm really struggling. Is this normal? Or do I need to seek help for these kinds of thoughts? I'm also struggling with why I flushed the toilet that evening...the doctor consulting on my case informed me after I described what I saw that it was my baby but I kind of figured anyway...won't go into graphic details but there's a difference in some of the things you pass, even that early on. At the time I was shaking and in shock and called for DH who looked at it and told me to go lay down. So I flushed it....I could just kill myself for that. I should have buried what little bit there was. At least I could still go somewhere to be close to my baby. As it stands now, all I have are 2 ultrasound pics of my little peanut and a November birthstone I bought shortly after...
Sorry to rant so much. Do I need help? Or are these feelings normal? I thought I was dealing with this well because I was not overly emotional about it and actively TTC but just got my first period since and the sight of the blood is really upsetting me for some reason. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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Re: Not Over Miscarriage...Sorry, Long
Sorry for you loss. I think by questioning yourself about your feelings that it is something that you should maybe speak to someone about. It may help you to talk through this with someone who is qualified to help.
A few days after my second d&c I started to miscarry (they missed the tissue twice) and I had heavy bleeding and passed lots of clots and tissue before I went to the ER. Most of which was on the toilet and I flushed too. The rest was disposed of at the hospital someway after the pathology report was done.
But just remember that you carry that little soul in your heart, which I think is the important thing.
Wishing you the best.
BFP 2/17/12 EDD 10/24/12 MM/C 3/22/12 D&C 3/27, 4/4, 4/9
my currently-reading shelf:
4 Losses (2003, 2008, Apr 2012, & Oct 2012)
All RPL and IF testing with multiple REs = normal
5 IUIs = BFN
All AL are welcome
Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I am right there with you. We also lost our baby a month ago and I am having my first period right now. I thought I was doing ok, but having the physical reminder of what happened has brought up many emotions for me again and I've spent the past two days crying. I also have had to step away from facebook as there have been 10! pregnancy announcements in the last month. While I am happy for my friends, each one still stings a bit as it is a reminder of what I no longer have.
I'm sharing this only to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. I also questioned whether or not I should be looking for someone to talk to. While that may still be necessary, it has helped me to talk to other people in my life who have had miscarriages. All of them have told me that these feelings are 100% normal. Give yourself some time. And know you're not alone.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I did the same thing---flushed my baby down the toilet and I am so upset I did. I understand you wishing you had buried it so you could be close to your LO. I also regret not getting an ultrasound pic as our first ultrasound was when we were told we were most likely miscarrying.
Do I think your emotions are normal? Yes. Do I think you should seek help? That is up to you, but I am. I am trying to get into counseling. I just cant seem to function.