Single Parents
Snow__White__Queen
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Move?
Snow__White__Queen
member
Sorry for two posts in one day, but I am seriously conflicted. My mom and the rest of my family to be honest wants me to go live with her...in Ireland. I can stay there until I turn 21 which is approximately a year. That will mean that I will have DD there and be with her for her first year. XBF won't be there for her birth and the first year of her life (he doesn't have a passport nor would he be welcome at my mom's). I could get the emotional and financial support I need if I move, but I feel so guilty already considering the idea that I will be depriving XBF and his family of these milestones. He loves her already and can't wait for her to be here, but just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've been so upset, I don't know what to do. I know they won't be able to forgive me.
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Re: Move?
That's a tough call. I don't think there is a right answer. Honestly, I would probably go for the financial and emotional support. If you don't have anyone close, it's not a bad thing to go to where your family is. You're very lucky to have their love and support. I'd also jump at the chance to live in another country for a year. It's a very humbling experience. Your XBF *CAN* get a passport if he wants one, and your family shouldn't interfere with him wanting to be there for his daughter. As much as my parents despised my ex for hurting me, they have never stood in the way of him being part of her life. It takes adjustment. Your mom is in Mama bear mode. When that happens, it's our natural instinct to protect our child. That feeling never goes away...my mom is doing it now with me.
Regardless of the decision you make, there's nothing to forgive on either side. You have to do what's best for you AND her. Sometimes, that means taking care of you so you can better take care of her. People may be hurt at first, but they will understand why you did what you had to.
Something to consider...how would this affect her citizenship? If she' s born in Ireland, will she have dual citizenship with Ireland and (I'm guessing) the US? I ask, because I was born in The Netherlands to American parents. I have dual citizenship and it was never a problem until I tried to get a job that required a Secret Clearance. I was able to get it, but it threw up a red flag and I had to be interviewed about it. It's even affected my SISTER'S clearance, and she was born in Texas. They interviewed HER about MY citizenship. It shouldn't be a deal breaker, but it is something you have to consider.
Yes she would have dual citizenship ONLY if she was born there. I wouldn't be considered a citizen there, but since I am under the age limit, I can be claimed as an independent and therefore stay without getting a student or work visa.
Well my dad lives in CA, but he moved there when I was about 9 so we have never been close. He has said I can visit, but he's only talking a week or so. He's about to get married and go on his honeymoon, so they can't really offer a home right now. My other family is spread out across the country and really the only place that I could live is with my mom.
My X has called a couple times to hang out but I know its really just a booty call, not to get back together or even try to. He does however want to attend the childbirth classes with me and be in the hospital with me when she is born. I think because DD isn't born yet, he's keeping me around to be with her (sort of), but it comes across as him wanting to have his cake and eat it too so to speak.
If I move, I would like to do it AFTER she is born so he can at least be there for those milestones. After getting LO a passport and all of that, I would only be able to stay around 6-7 months with my mom before I would have to come back. So he wouldn't miss her birthday or anything.
I'd move if I were you. I haven't done an intro post, but I have a 12 week old and I just left my husband and moved out of state to my mothers'. It's super complicated now-- I'm not sure what I want yet, (hence why I haven't posted) but essentially I can't file for divorce here and I'm living in fear he'll file in the state where he lives and I'll have to return. I can't imagine how much more complicated it would get internationally. I believe you might need his permission to leave the country, and what if he decides not to give it to you?
I read some of your other posts, and honestly, I don't get why you'd stay. You need the financial and emotional support, and you're all alone where you are. I have a career and can support myself and the baby, but it's really hard doing it alone (although ex didn't help that much anyway). It's more for the emotional support than anything. I do get the whole not wanting to deprive your child of an involved father. It's my biggest fear right now too. But you just do what you have to do sometimes.
Because we have never been married and she isn't actually born yet, I don't believe there is anything he can do to stop me. I told him if he wants to be there for her birth so bad, get a passport and plane ticket. I would have liked to wait until after she was born, but then I would need permission. He says he wouldn't stop me, but that could very easily change once she is here, that's why I decided to go at the end of May after I've taken my classes that I signed up for at the hospital and my shower is also in May.