Pregnant friend planning on same name...complicated and sad

PLS2010 · April 2012

DH and I have known since the beginning of this pregnancy we love the name Peter Evan and had planned this would be our first child's name. We haven't been public about it to family or friends because they tend to be very critical of our choices.

One of my friends is due with her second child 3 weeks after me and they have just chosen Peter as their baby's name. I would be fine with it but her child has Trisomy 18 and isn't expected to live but a few hours after birth. Are we wrong for still wanting to use this name?

Peter holds a special place for us because it is DH's father's middle name and Evan is a family name on my side of the family. We can't use Evan as the first name because my twin sister has already laid claim to it. I know most people on this board would say use the name anyways...but it's not worth the fight with her.

We've tried finding other names since finding out of our friend's plans, but we keep coming back to Peter. We had thought about not using it for this child and using it if we have another boy, but there is no guarantees we'll even be able to have more children (I have PCOS and some other medical issues). She is not a terribly close friend, but I can't help but think that every time I talk about our child it would be a source of pain for her. WWYD?

ThePinkSuperhero · April 2012

Ooooo, that's a rough one. Usually I would say "use it anyway" but in this special case, I might reconsider. Although your baby is due first. I don't know. That's a really hard one.

TheBug16 · April 2012

Wow, thats really a tough one. Maybe use Peter as the middle name, and just nix Evan all together? I would hate to look at my son and be reminded of that poor baby that has passed Sad

PLS2010 · April 2012

I know that's what I keep thinking. I don't see her often but I do have a very close friend in common that I know both of us see all the time. That's why I am worried we would be a source of grief for her if we chose the name.

SallySunrise · April 2012

To be completely honest, in this particular situation I think I'd find another name. It may not really seem fair to you, and well, it isn't exactly. But I think it would be painful for your friend to hear the name all the time, and see pictures of a beautiful, healthy little boy with the same name, that's the age her son should've been. I don't think I could do that to my friend, when there are so many other wonderful names out there.

I know you say you keep coming back to the name, and I know what you mean when you feel like a certain name is "the one." If it makes you feel any better, we felt 100% exactly the same way about the name Ethan for our first, until we saw his face. He completely took us by surprise and didn't fit the name at all. I'd suggest coming up with a list of 3 or 4 names you really like and could live with, and then choose the one that fits your little guy when you see him. Doing it that way may help you to feel like the new chosen name is really the "right" one, and you'll probably end up loving it even more than you love Peter.

GL. I'm not jealous of your situation, and I'm so sorry for your friend!

cwm11985 · April 2012

hmmm that is sticky because every time your friend sees your son she'll be reminded of her own. I'd say find another family name you like, maybe your husband's dad's middle name? Or his grandfather's name?

doggie mama · April 2012

I would talk to her about it first. If it makes her very uncomfortable then, yes, I would probably seek another name. But you never know how she'll feel about it.

I'm thinking about the name Quin for my daughter's middle name, if we we don't give her my dad's first name (we have two first names picked out and will decide which one fits her after she's born). Quin was my dad's middle name, but it was also the middle name of my nephew that passed when he was three months old. Originally I thought i should just steer clear but then I was thinking I shoudl talk to my brother about it and see if he really thinks. He might see it as a tribute. But if it makes him or his wife uncomforatble I will pick something else.

sarahandeddiejune212008 · April 2012

I would talk to your friend in person and let her know that you had been planning on using the same name. See how she feels about it. If it is going to upset her then maybe use Peter as the middle name and come up with a different first name, or save it for the next baby. That is a really tough situation. Kuddos to you for thinking of her feelings.

caralck · April 2012

I agree about talking with her. If it was a very close friend, then I would just choose something else but if she's not that close, then maybe she'll understand, especially if you give her the reasoning behind the name. It has very special meaning to you and if you tell her what you told us, I'm sure she'll have some understanding. The truth is, regardless of the name you choose, she will always be reminded of her child by yours simply because of the due dates being close to each other and so hearing about your child turning 1,2, etc, will always make her think about her child not making it to those points.

bookworm982 · April 2012

If your friend will keep your confidence (since you want your name to be a secret), I'd take this question to her. There's a chance that they still have a plan B name for their baby as well. This is a tough situation, and my heart goes out to your friend.

temporalrobe · April 2012

pick a new name.

alphahelix · April 2012

Jennifer926:

Have you discussed this with your friend? Why dont you just sit her down and tell her that theres been something on your mind nagging at you for a while. Explain the situation to her just like you explained it to us. See how she feels.

I understand the situation you're in... but from what I read- she isn't exactly a "close" friend. This may make me sound mean or whatever- but it's your son. Peter is a family name that you love- It has meaning. It's not just a name. If i was in your shoes- i'd still use it. I would tell her before hand- apologize ahead of time for any conflicts it may cause- but when it comes down to it, you dont know if she'll be in your life forever... friends sadly come and go. You son will be with you forever.

That's just me. Again, i'm in the minority here- but that's what i'd do.

This is actually what I was thinking too - if you feel comfortable enough having that conversation with her, that is. If that wasn't an option, or she told you she would feel uncomfortable I might consider using Peter as a mn and trying to find something else you like for a fn.

But like Jennifer926 said - you never know how long this friend will be in your life and you know you'll have your son forever. If you and your friend drift apart will you always regret not naming your son what you want to name him? This is a really tough decision and I hope you can figure something out - GL!

PLS2010 · April 2012

Thanks ladies I feel like your posts covered a lot of the emotions I have been thinking. I know regardless of what name we chose she will be reminded of her son. I see her maybe once year in person but we are apart of an online community on FB (not the Bump related) that is quite active where we talk all the time. I know stories of our son and her son will come up quite often.

DH wants to use the name still, but I think ultimately we will probably change the name we have chosen (maybe use it as a middle name instead). DH and I have so many blessings with our child already that something as simple as changing the name isn't a big deal in the big scheme of things. Just today she posted in the online group I'm apart of about picking out cemetery plots instead of cribs...it broke my heart. I cannot imagine what this must be like for her, but I know I can't intentionally add to her grief.

SBBBE · April 2012

This makes me think twice about not sharing our names with family and friends. Good luck with your tough decision.

johnnys june · April 2012

Loss mom here. My son, Logan, was born too early at 25 weeks and fought hard in tue NICU for 11 days before passing. Here's what I can tell you about grieving the loss of your child -- 1. Regardless of name, association, connection, closeness, ect. She will be hurting every.single.time she sees a baby/child/boy for a while. 2 -- if you really want to use the name, and you think you'd lile to remain friends, or at the very least be sensitive to her feelings, I woukd talk to her ahead of time now that you know. It's not about asking permission but rather preparing her as well as showing her and telling her you are there and trying to be sensitive to her. 3 - hearing Logan's name on anyome, any age, but specifically babies was heart wrenching for the first 6 months to a year after losing him. Then again, everything was heart wrenching without him! Now, more than a year later, hearing his name, even in regards to someone elses child, brings me peace and joy because it instantly reminds me of him....as if he's not forgotten. I can't say it will be the same for her...but I can tell you that the most important thing for a loss mom isn't necessarily you changing your plans, but rather being honest, open, and letting her know you care. Hope that helps regardless of what you choose to do! (bumping from iphone, please excuse typos)

PLS2010 · April 2012

Johnnys June - Thank you for sharing your story of Logan and insight. I really appreciate the advice. I think you are right I do need to just be honest with her. I pray special protection over you and your LO as you continue this pregnancy.

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