I've got a situation with my grandma (long)

SB31 · April 2012

My grandmother has been a heavy smoker for over 50 years now. She had lung cancer a few years ago, it was caught early and she recovered. My mom and I put our lives on hold to care for her during that time on the condition that she quit smoking. She did. And then started again when she moved back to her house six months later. She thinks we don't know, and gets very defensive and denies it whenever anyone tells her she smells like smoke or confronts her about it in any way. She's clearly not going to stop so we don't bring it up anymore, and she doesn't smoke around us.

Twenty years ago, she knit and sold baby sweaters and blankets as a little side business. Because she's a major hoarder, she still has some of the unsold stock that was left over when she stopped selling, as well as a mountain of yarn. This stuff has been absorbing smoke in her apartment ever since and it REEKS! She gave a few sweaters to my mom to sell on ebay years ago. My mom tried washing them to get the smell out but it was there to stay. You could smell them across the room. Because mom is non-confrontational, she lied to my grandma and told her that she sold them for a few bucks. She gave my grandma the money and the small amount dissuaded her from trying to "sell" the rest.

She now wants to give them to me so her first great-grandchild can wear them. There is no way in hell I would put my baby in these things, even after 100 washes. I can't accept them and never use them because we see her several times a week, and she would expect to see the baby wearing them. I think I'm going to ask her to knit some new things for the baby with new yarn, at my parents' house (where there is no smoke), since I know she would want the baby to wear something she made. My problem is that I don't know how to turn down these gifts without really upsetting her. She's very sensitive, stubborn and defensive. My mom gently mentioned to her once that some cookies she baked tasted like cigarette (she smokes while she cooks, too) and my grandma hit the roof. Didn't talk to her for a week. For the record, the cookies were inedible. Now we just thank her for the food and throw it away later.

I'm having a hard time with the phrasing on this one. "Thank you, grandma, I know these are meaningful gifts but they smell like smoke" isn't going to cut it. I'm out of ideas, any suggestions?

Starry Again · April 2012

Ugh that is tough. I would probably just be evasive as much as possible and never take anything from her. Just always come up with a reason why you can't take them at that very moment or that you have no where to put them, etc. Basically I would lie all the time. My DH would be pissed because he hates lying but sometimes it is the best answer.

elfchique · April 2012

First of all, if your grandma is going to be upset, that is her choice. You are responsible for her behavior, not her reaction. That said, I'd say, "Grandma, I'm grateful for these gifts, but we can't accept them because they smell like smoke. If you choose to smoke, that's your choice, you're 75 and don't need me to lecture you, but we can't accept them. We'd love to have you knit something for the baby, with new yarn, as long as it doesn't smell like smoke."

I'd address this once and stay as unemotional as possible. I believe in being courteous but not in tip toeing around people.

ffejsGirl · April 2012

If I could get away with it, I'd just buy new yarn and say "I'm so excited for the baby to have something made especially for him/her by his great-grandma! I was hoping you'd use this fun yarn I found to knit with!"

If she persists in giving you the smokey stuff, then I'd explain you'd rather not have it because of the smell. Or you could always take it and get rid of it, because baby will have the knew stuff she'll knit to wear and she probably won't notice the old stuff is never worn.

My grandma is very sensitive too and I do everything I possible to avoid upsetting her.

SB31 · April 2012

I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and be direct. I'd rather not lie to her. The only reason I'm a little hesitant is that she also has heart problems and had a mild stroke. The damage from the stroke affects the way she reacts to things and the way she thinks in general. She's not always rational anymore. I hate to upset her but there's no other way to solve this without being deceptive.

MLKuykendall · April 2012

I'd maybe do something like "We LOVE this yarn, it matches the nursery perfectly. Grandma you think you could knit us something" or you could meet at mama's house and have her teach you how to knit there. That way you can control the environment without appearing controlling and without being offensive. I can't figure out a great way to constantly get out of taking home the other things. I'd probably just appear snobby and say something like it wasn't my favorite style or the baby wasn't liking some sort of material.

BootsOrHearts · April 2012

Ugh, I have no patience for people who smoke and are in denial about how it impacts the people around them. My mother has smoked for years and lies and says she doesn't smoke in the house when we clearly see the ashtrays on her computer desk. My brother and I both told her flat out that we will be staying in a hotel and not at her house when we come to town from now on, because of the babies/kids. She was upset, but she accepted it. We all moved on.

Sillygirl85 · April 2012

What kind of yarn are they made out of? You could always claim that you have read that the type of yarn she uses has been shown to give babies rashes or something like that and then by a cotton or something like that and ask her to make something from the new yarn. I am an avid knitter so let me know if you want help with this one. I can recommend brands and help you lie.

Jeepie Doll · April 2012

So sorry your grandmother is stubborn and smokes! How awful!

I think I would look up if yarn somehow "degrades" over time and use that excuse for why you want something new. You could also say you want her to knit something that she specially makes for her grandchild, not something that was made to sell (like it doesn't have as much of her heart in it or something... but phrase it nicely).

If you want her to do it at your mom's house, could you tell her you would like to learn how to knit, or that you want to spend time with her while she knits it? Knitting takes a while so I am not sure how to tell her not to do it at her house.

And I agree that buying the yarn would definitely help!

carcrashheart · April 2012

Find someone that can knit the same exact sweaters she gives you! Not exactly the best solution but I haven't heard any other ideas that are really any better. The thought of pissing off grandma and getting the silent treatment until the next sweater stand off doesn't sound fun either. I admit I would be totally stumped as well.

smbd · April 2012

ffejsGirl:
If I could get away with it, I'd just buy new yarn and say "I'm so excited for the baby to have something made especially for him/her by his great-grandma! I was hoping you'd use this fun yarn I found to knit with!"

THIS EXACTLY!

My grandfather was dx'd with advanced lung cancer, treated & is in remission (lost over 1/2 of one lung) quit for a little, then started smoking again. There are 4 adults living in the house that smoke -- EVERYTHING reeks AND tastes of smoke. I tossed all the kids Easter candy b/c you could taste it through the sealed packages. The smoke smell coming from my grandmother & aunt caused the nurse in the NICU (right after N was born) to have an asthma attack. It's really bad, so I do understand where you're coming from!

Anyway, it was important to me that my kids have something special from their great-grandmother. I buy the yarn and give it to her and she makes a blanket from it. I could do it myself, but I still have the baby blanket she made me & I know my girls (and hopefully the newb) will treasure a gift from their great-grandmother once they're older... maybe their kids will even get to use them.

I tend to buy more of a specialty yarn for the blanket so it isn't something she can just head up to walmart for & stockpile, which means that from the time I give it to her, until she gives me the finished product, that's the only time it's in the smoke. I wash it several times once I get it & I try to air dry at least after the first wash. I use tide (not the free & clear, the one with the bleach alternative - it's got a white cover), and vinegar as the fabric softener.

SB31 · April 2012

I know how to knit already, she taught me lol! We used to knit little sweaters for my Barbies when I was 6 or 7. And the yarn she used, and still has, is all high end European stuff. No synthetic fibers or cheapies- such a waste.

I guess I'll just have to be honest and tell her as nicely as possible that I'd rather have something new, knit just for baby. She spends entire days at my parents' house every week, usually doing her crossword puzzles or sudoku while my mom does stuff around the house. So once she gets over the initial upset, I don't think she'll have any argument for knitting at my parents' house. Thanks, ladies!

watkinae · April 2012

I think you should buy the yarn you want and offer it up to her to make clothes/blankets at either your house or your mom's house. It she gets mad about it too bad. It's her decision to smoke, but it's your decision whether you want those smells around your child. She has to come to terms with that.

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