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3rd Trimester
OrangeBird
member
Sanity Check Needed - Baby's Father
OrangeBird
member
I'm 7 months pregnant and hormonal and need some advice and a sanity check. I met my baby's father a year ago, and we fell in love very quickly. We ended up moving across the country together 3 months later. I basically (foolishly) wiped out my savings to fund the move. When we got there he re-connected with an ex and started spending time with her, once even staying overnight. He tried to tell me it was just a friendship, but I was never comfortable. I reached out to her to let her know he and I were living together and in a relationship, and she indicated he was making moves on her. He tried to repair fences on both sides, but she walked away. I stayed.
Around that same time I discovered through his internet history that he had been active on a dating website. I confronted him and he said it wasn't what I thought it was; he just liked to chat online to feel good about himself.
While all this was going on, I met his ex-wife and their two kids. He flirted with her in front of me and point-blank told me she would always come first because she had his kids.
I really considered leaving at that point (this was September) but I was so in love and really wanted to make it work. Then in October I got pregnant (bc failure)... He was okay with it at the time but had a major freakout in December. We flew home to see our families for Christmas, but he later yelled at me for not putting his 2 kids first and spending money to see our parents instead of his 2 kids. I caught him on a dating website (again) and he took his profile down. But when I was out of town one evening he invited an ex-girlfriend over to our house.
As all this is going on he's telling me he loves me and wants to marry me but I'm struggling to believe it. I don't believe he ever actually cheated because he would always come straight home from work to me and would call and talk to me on his way home. I started breaking down in January struggling with severe morning sickness. He wasn't very supportive; he still wanted me to fix him breakfast and lay out his clothes and gather his work things together. I just wondered what kind of example I was setting for this baby.
In February I think I basically lost my mind. I just picked up and left without warning and moved back to our hometown. I continued to pay my share of rent etc. He got really ugly for a few weeks and then started trying to convince me to come back. He's making a lot of promises about changed behavior, but I don't know if I can believe him. At this point he wants me to at least come visit, but I don't feel comfortable traveling at 7 months and he doesn't understand that. He is saying that he wants us to be a family, but in the same breath he will say that if i don't come back, he wants nothing to do with the baby because his resources are limited and his other kids come first. I do understand his point that I'm not really making an effort right now, but I feel like I need to put the baby first right now and shouldn't be flying across the country.
He and I always had a good friendship and could talk for hours, but I don't know if I can trust him. I'm afraid I'd go back and be trapped in a relationship that hasn't changed at all. He says he loves me but that his feelings are diminishing every day. He's really pushing for me to visit and to move back ASAP and says if I really cared I would at least come out for a week. I just don't want to be away from my OB; of course there are doctors there but I don't want to risk something happening and being stuck out there on bed rest. Is that crazy?
He's telling me that real couples work on their problems and don't just run away. I admit I pretty much ran away, but was I really wrong in doing so? I feel like no matter what his other two kids are going to come first; he's made it clear that there are priorities.
If I could move back and get my own place and we could start over, I think I would do it. But if I move back, I would have to move back in with him for financial reasons, and there's no guarantee things would work out. I kind of jumped into the deep end with starting this relationship, and going back I'd be jumping into the deep end again. I've asked if he would consider moving back here to our hometown, but he's said it's too far from his 2 kids.
I just really need a sanity check here, ladies. I just spent an hour on the phone with him and he's really good at making me feel like none of my arguments make sense, and then I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm making a big mistake that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life... His argument is that if I loved him at all, I would recognize that he's hurting and at least come out to visit for a week. I do love him, but I don't know whether I can or should trust him. And the fact that he says he won't have anything to do with the baby if I don't come back really bothers me. Doesn't that also say that if we were together the baby is going to come third after his other 2 kids?
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Re: Sanity Check Needed - Baby's Father
Relationships are all about what YOU decide you can put up with. Personally, if SO was inviting over ex girlfriends when I wasn't home and frequenting dating sites, I'd be gone. It would hurt at first, but I'd make it.
That comment about your LO coming after his other kids bothers me. Your baby is just as much his child as the other two- so that makes absolutely no sense to me.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with him. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into believing that you're wrong, which you aren't.
Best of luck to you and your baby.
This guy sounds like an immature jerk. He sounds manipulative and it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Saying he'd have nothing to do with your kid is a crock of $hit. Why does his 3rd child not deserve a father? You take him to court and get every penny you can in child support!
If you do decide to go back, I'd suggest some serious couples' counseling.
Then came a miscarriage March '11
Then came a baby in the baby carriage May 16, 12
Waiting on our second little peanut!
Ugh- I am sorry you are going through all of this.
In my opinion (and it is just that) - I think you did the right thing when you moved away back in Feb - I don't think you lost your mind at all - to me it sounds like you actually woke up and did the right thing.
This man does not sound good for you or for your child and with his previous behavior I don't think you can or should trust him. I think there have been far too many red flags to ignore and I think the fact that he is giving you ultimatums involving the baby are very suspicous. I wonder why he wants you to come back and what the real motivation is. I also imagine if you did go back, once your LO arrives and you have less time for him things will get worse.
Stay strong and do what you think is right but I think this man sounds emotionally abusive and you did the right thing in stepping away.
This. Someone once told me, "If you have to ask, you already know the answer." Of course this doesn't apply to everything in life. Sometimes you really don't know what to do and other times, you're just looking for someone else to back up what you know is the right thing to do to kind of give you that extra push. Dude sounds like a complete ass and as PP said, he is trying to manipulate you. Unfortunately, you are now tied to him forever with having his child, but you don't have to include him in your life. As for the baby's relationship with him later, that's another post...but if I were in this situation, I'd be GONE.
I just posted the "Power and Control Wheel". From what you're telling me, his behaviors and words are seriously worrisome. Please don't let yourself be emotionally abused further by him, and know that his behavior is most likley not going to change (at least not on his own).
I'm so sorry you have to go through this but please know the only mistake you could make right now is going back. Just from what I've read he clearly doesn't care about anyone but himself, not even his first 2 kids. If he did he wouldn't be using them as a pawn to get you to do what he wants you to do.
He sounds super controlling and extremely untrustworthy to me and you would be better off without him. I don't know if you are having a boy or a girl but ask yourself this question, would you want your son to treat someone this way or would you allow someone to treat your daughter this way.
This is only my opinion of course, you are an adult and can do what you want to but this really isn't about you, its about what is going to be best for your child in the long run.
wow. its good to see that you got away from there. this guy does not sound very good at telling the truth. im sure he has positive traits but its good that you see that you and your baby deserve more. i say take all the time you need to think and consider if you actuallly want to go back to him.
as for those threats of his, remind him that he made a child and no court is going to care how damn limited his resources are. if he chooses to be unsupportive, sadly it may come down to taking him to court. and they will not be as caring or kind as you are so hes best to put on his big boy pants and work out an agreement regarding baby.
anywho, best of luck with the situation. dont let him manipulate you
Personally, I think you're making the best decision for you and your baby - and thumbs up to you for thinking of setting a good example for him or her.
I have experience with manipulative men, and in my opinion, that is why he wants you back there - the closer you are to him, the more he can pull the puppet strings.
Oh - and his needing to feel good by being on those websites? One of the worst lies I ever heard! I'd have packed my stuff and been gone the minute I found out about it!! Excuse me, but his little 'couples work on their problems'?? Couples don't see exes and go onto dating websites!!
I hope you have family and friends to support you - I can't imagine anyone who loves you saying you made the wrong decision. My mother and I agree, to this day, that had I married my ex, I never would have seen my family again - very scary. And, you don't need to be in a town where you have no family or friends to support you.
Good luck to you!!
This. 100%. Classic case of emotional abuser. Keep in mind, if you do go back, you will spend the rest of your life getting 'paid back' for leaving & trying to 'make up' for it. He will never let it go. Ever.
He sounds like a manipulator. I did something similar, moving east to west to be with the man I loved on semi-rocky circumstances at the time, but it worked out. We got married, have a great relationship and don't take each other for granted.
Your baby daddy does not sound sincere, if HE loved YOU, he would not be telling you that the only way to fix it is for you to come to him, planes fly both ways, and you are the one with restrictions bc of baby. In general though I would tell him, first stipulation before anyone flies anywhere is that he needs to stop talking/thinking that his kids with his ex-wife are always going to come first. If he has several kids, he has to treat them equally, and if you are his current gf or wife that he is making a life with NOW, he has to afford you even more courtesy and respect. I would suggest that you have several phone conversations, email exchanges, etc. to work through things a little first, before making a real move. You need to feel comfortable with this, and make boundaries for what is and is not acceptable in an adult relationship - which does not include dating sites "just to feel better about yourself", thats what your partner is for, not randoms on the internet.
Honey, I've dated a guy just like this, almost married him before I met my husband, and this guy sounds entirely insecure and manipulative, and that is not a good combo. He will always seek attention, affection and have a strong potential to cheat. He will not be an equal partner, and until he can truly feel ok about himself, he won't treat you and your child the way you deserve. Serious thinking before making a turn-around on this one. HTH
He's a manipulator, liar and emotional abuser. Don't walk...RUN!!!!!! ( far away)
It sounds like he will never change so you have to ask yourself if this is the life you want for your baby and yourself. It sounds like you don't or you would not have left.
It seems like he wants to make all the rules. And I agree with a previous poster...your child should mean just as much to him as his other two. That statement about them coming first is to make upset and to again control the situation.
If he really wants to work on things with you, then he should come visit you. he is he one who made the mistakes. And you said he hasn't cheated on you....how do you figure. In my marriage, if my husband is on a dating website....having ex-girlfriends over or staying over at their house...then he is cheating in my opinion.
I was a single mother until my oldest turned 8 yrs old. It was not for the reasons you are split from your boyfriend. It was not easy but it is possible.
First off, good for you for getting out. I know its not easy to leave a controlling person. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years because I just didn't know how to leave. You should be very proud of yourself for getting the hell out of there.
Next, I would suggest you find someone you trust in your life, someone you know that has your back, and let them in on everything going on, and ask that they be involved in the future when you have to deal with him. Your emotions are very likely going to affect you when dealing with him for a while--it will help to have someone who has no emotional attachment to him present when you're hammering out the terms of his involvement and support with the child the two of you share.
Everything will get better. Heck, it already has for you, you've escaped an emotionally abusive relationship, and who knows how much worse it may have become.
This. I wouldn't go back, but cheating is a deal breaker for me. From what you've said here, I think you're better off without him.
I agree with PPs. Stay away. This sounds like a bad situation that will only get worse.
Do what is best for you and your child. Don't go back. He is only going to hurt emotionally. You should definitely make sure you take him to court after the baby is born for child support because there is no reason that his 2 previous children deserve to have a father anymore than you child will. That alone is outrageous and a red flag. He is absolutely using the baby to manipulate you and that isn't okay. You stay right where you are and don't let him convince you to come back!
You stay safe and healthy hun!
Why would you ever want to stay with a cheating loser who already has multiple children with other women? What good things can this loser actually offer you?
Get a lawyer and get as much child support as you can.
What you had with him was not a happy, stable relationship. When you find that with someone else...you'll realize just how awful it was to walk around day after day being subtly manipulated, wondering if he's cheating on you, tip-toeing around emotions and logic to convince yourself to stay. (Speaking from experience here).
You trusted your gut and moved away...keep trusting it.
Healthy couples have each others backs, they can count on each other 100%, and don't doubt the others motives, priorities, or devotion. Hold out for that...you and your baby are worth it!. Cut personal contact with him...get the child-support your baby needs and deserves...take care of your self...heal. Good luck!
If he really loved you and cared about you and the baby then HE'D take a week to come visit you and try to make it work. Why should it be on his terms?
Also, if I read correctly, you met and moved across the county together. That leads me to believe that for whatever period of time he was away from his 2 kids right? If that's the case, then I've got 100 more reasons why you shouldn't run to him...