I am 100% against spanking. My theory is that I can't teach my boys that they shouldn't hit/slap if I do it. Kids learn by example. I'm not saying others are wrong, this is just my motto for my family.
This exactly for us too!
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Alright, this "starving child" debate is getting old. Clearly we are all going to be getting the side eye from SGC29 for this cruel form of punishment we support so lets all just agree to disagree and move on to more important things. Anyone want to talk about vaccines? (I kid, I kid)
Like C_mo, spanking is reserved for times when we really need to make a serious impression, like when they run into traffic or are in some other sort of danger.
I feel like spanking for minor issues just makes the issue worse and there are far better ways of solving the problem.
FTM, but I agree with this.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
He's also had to go to bed without dinner once, I think that was even worse for him than the spankings.
Well..yeah, making him starve all night likely was more upsetting. Seriously?
I don't see what is so bad about this? DS is 5 and has been sent to bed once without dinner because he flat out refused to eat what I had given him. What am I supposed to do? Run back to the kitchen and cater to him so that he eats something? If I did that he would expect it and fight everytime dinner came about. He went to bed once without dinner and now he knows that this is what dinner is, it's not up to him. Going to bed without dinner isn't starving a kid. He may have been hungry but he certainly wasn't starving and wasn't hurt in any way.
I could see having him leave the table and giving the option to return again once he decides he is ready to eat. I certainly don't think a separate meal should be made, but to send a child to bed on an empty stomach without leaving him the option to return should he become hungry is just ridiculous.
DS has the option of sitting at dinner with us. If he screws around and doesn't eat while we're eating, he can finish his meal alone. If he asks to be excused and doesn't want to eat what is provided, he can as long as he understands that he won't be receiving anything else the rest of the night. It's 100% his choice. Once he decides to get up from the table, his meal is done and I won't leave food out to wait for him to be ready. Meal time is meal time, it's not dictated by the toddler in the house just becuase he would rather do something else instead. I think it depends on the age and the child, obviously, but at almost 4 years old he's perfectly capable of making the decision on his own.
Two thumbs up (would insert them, but I am on the iPad). There is little more important to me than making sure eating/meals do not become a power struggle. A child choosing to skip one meal (once they are old enough to understand consequences) does not equal starvation, that's nuts to me.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
We don't spank, never have and probably never will. I don't think it's the best discipline technique, especially for DS--he responds much better to calmer methods. In fact counting to 3 will do the trick pretty much every time.
However another big reason I would never do it is because of the guilt. I feel so awful afterwards whenever I raise my voice or yell at DS. I don't think I could live with myself if I spanked him. Not trying to make spankers feel bad, if it works for you then that's great, but for me, the spanking would probably be worse on me than my child.
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He's also had to go to bed without dinner once, I think that was even worse for him than the spankings.
Well..yeah, making him starve all night likely was more upsetting. Seriously?
Trust me, he wasn't starving. He wouldn't eat his dinner and he got plenty of warnings of what would happen if he didn't stop complaining about his food.
He learned his lesson. He eats the vegetables I put on his plate now. He says thank you for dinner. This doesn't come naturally to some kids. It takes training, and one night of going to bed without dinner is not a severe punishment or out of the ordinary, imo. We're talking a 5yo here.
I think it's completely fine. He's not "starving".
He's also had to go to bed without dinner once, I think that was even worse for him than the spankings.
Well..yeah, making him starve all night likely was more upsetting. Seriously?
I bet he didn't do whatever sent him to bed without dinner again, either. Starving is what happens when you don't eat for a prolonged time; the child was hungry for a night. I doubt his body was nutritionally deficient because he missed one meal.
Out of curiosity, Klilley, what did he do to have his supper taken away?
Spanking- I'd like not to spank because like other posters said I don't like teaching my child not to hit when I'm hitting them. That being said, it will depend on what discipline methods work best on my child.
"Starving" child - I will use the same method my parents used on my sister and I. My sister and I weren't big eaters (we would share happy meals) so sometimes come dinner, we just weren't hungry. Sometimes even now I don't eat dinner until 8pm because I'm not hungry until then. So my parents wouldn't let us leave the table until everyone was done eating and if we didn't finish our plate then they would leave it on the table until we went to bed. If we were hungry later, we ate our dinner. Sometimes we ate it, sometimes we didn't but it was always our choice.
I have problems with people forcing their kids to eat everything on their plate and not letting them leave the table until their plate is clear. I think that it's a contributing factor to childhood obesity.
He's also had to go to bed without dinner once, I think that was even worse for him than the spankings.
Well..yeah, making him starve all night likely was more upsetting. Seriously?
I bet he didn't do whatever sent him to bed without dinner again, either. Starving is what happens when you don't eat for a prolonged time; the child was hungry for a night. I doubt his body was nutritionally deficient because he missed one meal.
Out of curiosity, Klilley, what did he do to have his supper taken away?
Hi! I actually posted the reason he had to go to bed without dinner that night but it probably got lost in the crazyness!
He was in a phase where he complained about dinner every night and picked at his food and whined but wanted a pbj like a half hour later. So one night he wouldn't eat, was being rude and throwing a fit during dinner, DH and I warned him several times what would happen if he didn't sit still and eat what was on his plate. He threw a tantrum and so he went to his room for the rest of the night.
And he sure is a better eater now. He's getting better all the time. He still remembers that lesson and it was last summer that it happened.
As for the spanking - I've got a temper that I work very hard to control. I haven't lost my temper with anyone for many, many years. I'm more afraid that if I even consider the option to spank that in some maddening, frustrating moment, I'll spank my child when what I really need to do is send him to his room and cool down myself. I don't want to spank my child when I'm angry.
My husband also has a temper, and I worry that he'll lash out and spank our child. I really need to talk to him more in depth about what I mentioned above. When we talked before, we talked about using it as a last resort for repeated offenses of the same behavior. I'm having second thoughts about this.
I'd really like to avoid spanking at all cost, but like previous posters have mentioned, I can see spanking my child if he puts himself into immediate danger.
I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
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I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
I sincerely hope you are kidding with this. There is no such thing as being "bad" at six months old, for heaven's sake.
To clarify....yes, I popped hands for dangerous thing at 6 months...but no there is no such thing as "bad". I was explaining the wide range of reason we spank.
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My LO isn't here yet, but I personally believe in it [ not to an extreme ] . All the people I see who kids don't get a pat on the butt, etc their kids act like little monsters and don't listen to them. When I was younger, yes I got an occasional spanking when needed. And I plan to do the same IF I feel I have to when that time comes. No, I will not beat the crap out of my kid or spank them to the point they she has welts or anything extreme like some parents do.
I was spanked, DF was spanked and we are planning on spanking our children when and if the situation warrants it. If a child is at risk of, or has done something which warrants a drastic reaction, then he will get one (I'm talking running off into traffic, or something along those lines). We aren't planning on "beating" our child but a firm tap on the butt to get the message accross. My parents had this form of discipline with me, until I was old enough to understand the consequences of my actions (and undertand the basic reasoning and logic behind why some things were off limits). I definitley do not feel that it harmed me as a child in any way, and I don't feel that reasonable discipline will harm my child.
I know there are many other "procedures" that people use, but the reality is that there is no encompassing "disciplinary measure" that will work for every child. Time-outs do not work for every child, spanking does not work for every child, rational conversation does not work for every child.... It's a matter of finding what you're comfortable with, and what works for your child.
I was spanked, DF was spanked and we are planning on spanking our children when and if the situation warrants it. If a child is at risk of, or has done something which warrants a drastic reaction, then he will get one (I'm talking running off into traffic, or something along those lines). We aren't planning on "beating" our child but a firm tap on the butt to get the message accross. My parents had this form of discipline with me, until I was old enough to understand the consequences of my actions (and undertand the basic reasoning and logic behind why some things were off limits). I definitley do not feel that it harmed me as a child in any way, and I don't feel that reasonable discipline will harm my child.
I know there are many other "procedures" that people use, but the reality is that there is no encompassing "disciplinary measure" that will work for every child. Time-outs do not work for every child, spanking does not work for every child, rational conversation does not work for every child.... It's a matter of finding what you're comfortable with, and what works for your child.
This exactly!!
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I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
Ummm...so are you just going to spank her harder when she decides to hit ("spank") you when she doesn't like something that you're doing? Essentially that is what you're teaching her - you're dissatisfied with a behavior she's exhibiting, something she's doing, etc, so you hit/spank her. Why, then, should she understand that she isn't allowed to do the same thing? It probably won't stop at you - she'll want to react that way to other kids, too.
ETA: I only ask, because it truly sounds like you spank for everything. Do you do time outs? Do you send her to her room? Do you take privileges away? Do you explain to her why you don't do whatever it is she was doing?
"One healthy, little giggling, dribbling, baby boy." -DMB
The whole "starving the child" debate seems to have been overblown a bit from the start, but I will say this: There is a major difference between an 18 month old and a 5 year old.
I would side-eye anyone sending an 18 month old to bed hungry as punishment.
A 5 year old? Meh. One night does not equal starvation, it sounds like he was given warnings and opportunity to knock it off and eat. He's old enough to know that choices = consequences.
I'd do the same as the poster and say "okay, then no dinner, let's get ready for bed." I would give ample warnings ahead of time, but enough gets to be enough.
I will never have a "clean your plate" rule, but I don't think that's the same thing.
I agree with most/all of this. We don't spank. Not because we don't "believe" in it, but because we haven't needed to at this point in time. We both recognize that that time may come, and we both agree that it is a reasonable form of punishment.
However, right now, we prefer to give DS choices. If he is throwing an unbelievable fit, I will stand him up and say "if you're going to throw a fit then you need to go to your room" this is really working for us right now. He realizes he's throwing a fit about something not too important, and stops, rather than wanting to go to his room. If he won't stop, then we'll take him by the hand and walk him to his room. Just because he's given choices doesn't mean it's not a punishment...we still get an outcome that we want, but it makes him feel as if he has some say in the matter.
If he's throwing something and we don't want him to, then that toy goes in time out. Time outs haven't proven effective for DS yet, but that may change in time. When he was younger, we did redirection. We always make sure to get down on his level and explain to him why we don't do something. And we always make sure to say that WE don't do it - not just him. Mom and Dad don't throw toys, either
C_mo, I like you, but I do raise an eyebrow to you sending Wyatt to bed without dinner when he's not even 18 months old yet and you say that he is at 1% for his weight. I know, to each their own, but it did surprise me.
"One healthy, little giggling, dribbling, baby boy." -DMB
I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
Ummm...so are you just going to spank her harder when she decides to hit ("spank") you when she doesn't like something that you're doing? Essentially that is what you're teaching her - you're dissatisfied with a behavior she's exhibiting, something she's doing, etc, so you hit/spank her. Why, then, should she understand that she isn't allowed to do the same thing? It probably won't stop at you - she'll want to react that way to other kids, too.
ETA: I only ask, because it truly sounds like you spank for everything. Do you do time outs? Do you send her to her room? Do you take privileges away? Do you explain to her why you don't do whatever it is she was doing?
The underlined...yes, I do talk and take away privileges. Perfect example, we have just moved into a new house. A place of our own. About 2 months into moving she started writing on her wall with crayon. I thought maybe because she wasnt adjusting well. We talked it out. Maybe 2 wks later, she did it again except in her playroom. Agaim we talked and made sure she had plenty of craft supplies. About 3 months later she moved to crayons and pencils, I had her wash her wall with baking soda and water. Again, another 3-4 wks later, she did it again now in her room under the curtains that I didnt notice. I took away all things that would write for 5 days. After getting it back, again...She goes back to writing on both her broom and playroom wall. I had she wash the walls. Clean up her playroom, took all the toys out her broom and she lost it for 10 days. About 3 wks ago, She decides to use permanent marker on her playroom door and my stereo. I spanked her behind. I am have plenty of patience. I give quite allot of warnings...which some of my friends think are too much. Once I get to a point where she knows better, I am on her butt. She has never hit or gotten in a fight with another child. Actually, she has gotten my tongue and will criticize you for what you did wrong.
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I find spanking to be a lazy and uncreative form of discipline and I don't buy the idea that it's the only thing that works for some children. And I won't even get into what the research (meta-analyses looking at hundreds and hundreds of studies on spanking) shows about spanked children because I would guess that most of us are familiar with it.
Though my husband and I were both spanked, we refuse to send the message to our children that "I'm upset with you, so I'm going to hit you." How could we then ask that same child not to hit others?
August 2012's May Siggy challenge: Favorite TV mom:
The underlined...yes, I do talk and take away privileges. Perfect example, we have just moved into a new house. A place of our own. About 2 months into moving she started writing on her wall with crayon. I thought maybe because she wasnt adjusting well. We talked it out. Maybe 2 wks later, she did it again except in her playroom. Agaim we talked and made sure she had plenty of craft supplies. About 3 months later she moved to crayons and pencils, I had her wash her wall with baking soda and water. Again, another 3-4 wks later, she did it again now in her room under the curtains that I didnt notice. I took away all things that would write for 5 days. After getting it back, again...She goes back to writing on both her broom and playroom wall. I had she wash the walls. Clean up her playroom, took all the toys out her broom and she lost it for 10 days. About 3 wks ago, She decides to use permanent marker on her playroom door and my stereo. I spanked her behind. I am have plenty of patience. I give quite allot of warnings...which some of my friends think are too much. Once I get to a point where she knows better, I am on her butt. She has never hit or gotten in a fight with another child. Actually, she has gotten my tongue and will criticize you for what you did wrong.
Ok, thanks for the example/clarification, because in your first post it really made it seem like spanking was your first reaction all the time, regardless. This makes much more sense, and you clearly gave her plenty of opportunities prior to spanking to show you that she had learned her lesson.
"One healthy, little giggling, dribbling, baby boy." -DMB
The underlined...yes, I do talk and take away privileges. Perfect example, we have just moved into a new house. A place of our own. About 2 months into moving she started writing on her wall with crayon. I thought maybe because she wasnt adjusting well. We talked it out. Maybe 2 wks later, she did it again except in her playroom. Agaim we talked and made sure she had plenty of craft supplies. About 3 months later she moved to crayons and pencils, I had her wash her wall with baking soda and water. Again, another 3-4 wks later, she did it again now in her room under the curtains that I didnt notice. I took away all things that would write for 5 days. After getting it back, again...She goes back to writing on both her broom and playroom wall. I had she wash the walls. Clean up her playroom, took all the toys out her broom and she lost it for 10 days. About 3 wks ago, She decides to use permanent marker on her playroom door and my stereo. I spanked her behind. I am have plenty of patience. I give quite allot of warnings...which some of my friends think are too much. Once I get to a point where she knows better, I am on her butt. She has never hit or gotten in a fight with another child. Actually, she has gotten my tongue and will criticize you for what you did wrong.
Ok, thanks for the example/clarification, because in your first post it really made it seem like spanking was your first reaction all the time, regardless. This makes much more sense, and you clearly gave her plenty of opportunities prior to spanking to show you that she had learned her lesson.
Oh yea, I do Glad I could clarify.
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I find spanking to be a lazy and uncreative form of discipline and I don't buy the idea that it's the only thing that works for some children. And I won't even get into what the research (meta-analyses looking at hundreds and hundreds of studies on spanking) shows about spanked children because I would guess that most of us are familiar with it.
Though my husband and I were both spanked, we refuse to send the message to our children that "I'm upset with you, so I'm going to hit you." How could we then ask that same child not to hit others?
This is, for the most part, how I view spanking as well. However, I'm also not willing to say that it will never happen in our house. H and I were both spanked as kids. However, H was frequently spanked, and usually out of anger/frustration/retaliation from his parents. I can only remember being spanked as a last resort for my parents, or to add emphasis to a punishment.
I know that H was also spanked by his uncles and grandfather. To me, that's a power play, and I don't like it one bit. But it's exactly fitting for how his family operates - "You did what?! You don't disrespect me! You get over here so I can swat you and show you who's boss!" They (his family, not H) also raise their voices a LOT. Before we had DS I told H that under no circumstances were anyone other than H or I to *ever* spank our children. If they felt that DS did something deserving of a spanking, then they needed to tell us afterwards (when we pick DS up or whatever), and we'd decide. Then, we could spank if we chose, after explaining to DS why he's getting the spanking, or we could choose to deal with it in another way. That way DS isn't getting hit out of anger/frustration/to prove a point (which is how H's family uses/used spankings) and instead it's a true punishment from H or I for his behavior while with his grandparents/uncle and aunt/whomever. Thankfully we haven't had to deal with this yet...
"One healthy, little giggling, dribbling, baby boy." -DMB
I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
I sincerely hope you are kidding with this. There is no such thing as being "bad" at six months old, for heaven's sake.
To clarify....yes, I popped hands for dangerous thing at 6 months...but no there is no such thing as "bad". I was explaining the wide range of reason we spank.
You do realize though that at 6 months old she does not have the mental capacity to understand popping hands even in the situation that you described, right? At 6 months old she is still working on basic motor/developmental skills. She doesn't yet understand cause and effect.
I'd like to take back my side eyeing of the going to bed hungry just so I can double side eye this. It just does not make any sense to me, at all.
The whole "starving the child" debate seems to have been overblown a bit from the start, but I will say this: There is a major difference between an 18 month old and a 5 year old.
I would side-eye anyone sending an 18 month old to bed hungry as punishment.
A 5 year old? Meh. One night does not equal starvation, it sounds like he was given warnings and opportunity to knock it off and eat. He's old enough to know that choices = consequences.
I'd do the same as the poster and say "okay, then no dinner, let's get ready for bed." I would give ample warnings ahead of time, but enough gets to be enough.
I will never have a "clean your plate" rule, but I don't think that's the same thing.
I agree with most/all of this. We don't spank. Not because we don't "believe" in it, but because we haven't needed to at this point in time. We both recognize that that time may come, and we both agree that it is a reasonable form of punishment.
However, right now, we prefer to give DS choices. If he is throwing an unbelievable fit, I will stand him up and say "if you're going to throw a fit then you need to go to your room" this is really working for us right now. He realizes he's throwing a fit about something not too important, and stops, rather than wanting to go to his room. If he won't stop, then we'll take him by the hand and walk him to his room. Just because he's given choices doesn't mean it's not a punishment...we still get an outcome that we want, but it makes him feel as if he has some say in the matter.
If he's throwing something and we don't want him to, then that toy goes in time out. Time outs haven't proven effective for DS yet, but that may change in time. When he was younger, we did redirection. We always make sure to get down on his level and explain to him why we don't do something. And we always make sure to say that WE don't do it - not just him. Mom and Dad don't throw toys, either
C_mo, I like you, but I do raise an eyebrow to you sending Wyatt to bed without dinner when he's not even 18 months old yet and you say that he is at 1% for his weight. I know, to each their own, but it did surprise me.
It's been a few hours since I read her earlier post but I think she said it killed her to send him to bed without eating but he won't cooperate sometimes and she has to put him to bed without him eating what she wants him to.
As for the 1% weight thing. He looks to be a completly healthy little guy to me. That is just a number on a chart. I knew a girl whose DD was so tiny she "made her own chart". We ought not to have to compare things like size. Every kid is SO much different. My daughter usually stands a full head over other kids her age. It's just who she is, nothing I've done, or haven't done.
C_mo, I like you, but I do raise an eyebrow to you sending Wyatt to bed without dinner when he's not even 18 months old yet and you say that he is at 1% for his weight. I know, to each their own, but it did surprise me.
I would bold the part that you had for me, but I'm on my phone. Sorry for the long quote. I should clarify: I don't send him to bed with no dinner as a punishment as of yet and probably won't until later. It is just nights when he is in a super cranky mood and refuses to eat anything that I was talking about. The point I was trying to make was that he isn't going to 'starve' for one night. He is below the 1% but not because he's malnourished or unhealthy, just because he is a very busy kid. I do try to pump as many calories into him as possible, but he's quite picky.
Ok, then I misunderstood. I thought you were agreeing to sending him to bed as a punishment (at his age and weight) and not simply that he was not a fan of the whole dinner thing so it was bed time instead. I've done that - some nights DS doesn't have dinner solely because he is SO tired that he crashes for the night before we have a chance to get a decent meal in him. And, no, he doesn't starve over night - but he is usually quite a good breakfast eater that morning!
As for the 1% - I don't think he's malnourished or unhealthy, and, hey, somebody has to be the 1%. I just, at the time of thinking you were sending him to bed without dinner as punishment, didn't think that the 1% for weight added much merit to your decision. But I misunderstood and totally get where you're coming from now!
"One healthy, little giggling, dribbling, baby boy." -DMB
I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
I sincerely hope you are kidding with this. There is no such thing as being "bad" at six months old, for heaven's sake.
To clarify....yes, I popped hands for dangerous thing at 6 months...but no there is no such thing as "bad". I was explaining the wide range of reason we spank.
You do realize though that at 6 months old she does not have the mental capacity to understand popping hands even in the situation that you described, right? At 6 months old she is still working on basic motor/developmental skills. She doesn't yet understand cause and effect.
I'd like to take back my side eyeing of the going to bed hungry just so I can double side eye this. It just does not make any sense to me, at all.
Sorry, Lady Tytah, but I agree. At six months old, they are barely sitting up on their own at that point, what possible good would popping her hands do? They aren't able to understand cause/effect and consequence that young. They just aren't.
@Scout...I pop her hands if she is messing with cords, sockets, ect @SGC29....my daughter was crawling at 6 months and walking at 9m...at that point I felt, and still do, that she understands not touching tvs, cords, sockets, and the lot. By 1 yr, she knew not to touch those things that mommy said could hurt.
Like a PP said, my methods are not going fit every child. What works for my daughter might not work for my son. He might just need a stern word and calls it a day.
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I didn't get through all the responses, but we have and will only spank as a knee-jerk reaction. I can easily list the times I've hit my daughter: when she was reaching for the hot stove(twice), reaching for my knife at a restaurant(as the waiter was setting down the plate!), and when she picked up a piece of dog poop in our backyard and was bringing it to her mouth (still makes me gag a little). I've apologized and explained my actions each time. I've also been known to grab her as she starts to run away, but I hardly consider any of these actions to be true spanking.
DH and I both grew up in homes where we were spanked. My parents spanked out of anger, his parents crossed into the territory that absolutely would be considered abuse (and I'm not saying this lightly. DH still has physical scars.) DH is terrified that he would cross the line, and so we made the decision that we wouldn't spank. I'm not against it if it is controlled and used as effective punishment (at an appropriate age), but I am opposed to spanking out of anger and rage.
BFP #1: m/c at 8 weeks; BFP #2: DD born 6/9/09; BFP #3 m/c at 5 weeks; BFP #4 m/c at 8 weeks, D&E; BFP #5 DS born 8/12/12
I have finally made it through all of the responses and I think I'm at a point where I can reply.
As a FTM, spanking is something that we don't expect to take lightly, however, it is something that may be used at some point in our house. I am hoping that we only ever use it during a dangerous situation or after giving ourselves time to not be angry and decide if spanking is an appropriate punishment for whatever "crime" has been committed.
We haven't decided but I guess were open to whatever works for us and our children, some might require a little spank while others might respond just fine to verbal scolding or time out. I was spanked too often and bare butt publicly when little so I will probably avoid spanking unless necessary.
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My husband and I are firm (no pun intended) believers in spanking...HOWEVER it MUST be done in the right way. We will NEVER spank our children while we are angry. If we are annoyed, angry, upset, etc. in any way because of our child's behavior, we will wait (and pray) until our emotion attached to their wrong-doing subsides. Then, we will calmly explain why what they did was wrong, what a better choice would be, how we can work together to improve that behavior. After the child understands that, he will be spanked and then we will pray together for God to give us all strength to be more obedient. I will hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.
Haha---I know this probably sounds like the dream world of spanking....but I do believe it is the right way. I know my husband and I will fail and probably not do it right all the time---but that is also a learning process for our kids---We will definitely be confessing our short-comings to our kids as well, so they understand that we make mistakes too.
One more thought to consider----my mom did not go with the spanking method (because she only thought about it as "hitting" your children in anger). Instead, she guilted us and said things like "why would you do that!?" or "I am really disappointed in you"....To me, those things were way WAY more damaging to my heart than being spanked.
I believe we are all sinners---so, I hope not to say things like "Why would you do that" or make my child feel ashamed of themselves. *Ashamed of the behavior, yes, Ashamed of themselves, no.*
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My husband and I are firm (no pun intended) believers in spanking...HOWEVER it MUST be done in the right way. We will NEVER spank our children while we are angry. If we are annoyed, angry, upset, etc. in any way because of our child's behavior, we will wait (and pray) until our emotion attached to their wrong-doing subsides. Then, we will calmly explain why what they did was wrong, what a better choice would be, how we can work together to improve that behavior. After the child understands that, he will be spanked and then we will pray together for God to give us all strength to be more obedient. I will hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.
Haha---I know this probably sounds like the dream world of spanking....but I do believe it is the right way. I know my husband and I will fail and probably not do it right all the time---but that is also a learning process for our kids---We will definitely be confessing our short-comings to our kids as well, so they understand that we make mistakes too.
One more thought to consider----my mom did not go with the spanking method (because she only thought about it as "hitting" your children in anger). Instead, she guilted us and said things like "why would you do that!?" or "I am really disappointed in you"....To me, those things were way WAY more damaging to my heart than being spanked.
I believe we are all sinners---so, I hope not to say things like "Why would you do that" or make my child feel ashamed of themselves. *Ashamed of the behavior, yes, Ashamed of themselves, no.*
My gut reaction here is this is too outlandish to be real, and I hope like hell you are a troll. But since I know there are plenty of idiots out there who buy To Train Up A Child I suspect you may not be trolling. Spanking for every little offense is disgusting whether you couch it in religious terms or not. You entire post makes me want to barf.
Re: Discussion - Spanking
This exactly for us too!
LMAO. Well, you wanted livening up C_Mo!
Really didn't see all that coming!
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
We don't spank, never have and probably never will. I don't think it's the best discipline technique, especially for DS--he responds much better to calmer methods. In fact counting to 3 will do the trick pretty much every time.
However another big reason I would never do it is because of the guilt. I feel so awful afterwards whenever I raise my voice or yell at DS. I don't think I could live with myself if I spanked him. Not trying to make spankers feel bad, if it works for you then that's great, but for me, the spanking would probably be worse on me than my child.
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I think it's completely fine. He's not "starving".
I bet he didn't do whatever sent him to bed without dinner again, either. Starving is what happens when you don't eat for a prolonged time; the child was hungry for a night. I doubt his body was nutritionally deficient because he missed one meal.
Out of curiosity, Klilley, what did he do to have his supper taken away?
Spanking- I'd like not to spank because like other posters said I don't like teaching my child not to hit when I'm hitting them. That being said, it will depend on what discipline methods work best on my child.
"Starving" child - I will use the same method my parents used on my sister and I. My sister and I weren't big eaters (we would share happy meals) so sometimes come dinner, we just weren't hungry. Sometimes even now I don't eat dinner until 8pm because I'm not hungry until then. So my parents wouldn't let us leave the table until everyone was done eating and if we didn't finish our plate then they would leave it on the table until we went to bed. If we were hungry later, we ate our dinner. Sometimes we ate it, sometimes we didn't but it was always our choice.
I have problems with people forcing their kids to eat everything on their plate and not letting them leave the table until their plate is clear. I think that it's a contributing factor to childhood obesity.
Hi! I actually posted the reason he had to go to bed without dinner that night but it probably got lost in the crazyness!
He was in a phase where he complained about dinner every night and picked at his food and whined but wanted a pbj like a half hour later. So one night he wouldn't eat, was being rude and throwing a fit during dinner, DH and I warned him several times what would happen if he didn't sit still and eat what was on his plate. He threw a tantrum and so he went to his room for the rest of the night.
And he sure is a better eater now. He's getting better all the time. He still remembers that lesson and it was last summer that it happened.
As for the spanking - I've got a temper that I work very hard to control. I haven't lost my temper with anyone for many, many years. I'm more afraid that if I even consider the option to spank that in some maddening, frustrating moment, I'll spank my child when what I really need to do is send him to his room and cool down myself. I don't want to spank my child when I'm angry.
My husband also has a temper, and I worry that he'll lash out and spank our child. I really need to talk to him more in depth about what I mentioned above. When we talked before, we talked about using it as a last resort for repeated offenses of the same behavior. I'm having second thoughts about this.
I'd really like to avoid spanking at all cost, but like previous posters have mentioned, I can see spanking my child if he puts himself into immediate danger.
I am definitely pro spanking. Starting at about when my daughter was 6 months. Not just when it came to dangerous stuff but also for doing repetitive "bad" things and redirecting isnt working. I spank her for throwing tantrums. She has known how to speak and sign for quite a long time. I dont tolerate tempers because you didnt/wouldnt use your words. I spank for blatantly disobeying. Ex: repeating to wrote on walls, doors, electronics after taking away toys and talking out stopped working. I spank for being disrespectful because I lead by example. I expect her to do the same. I spank for allot of things.
This is how me and my husband were raised. Spanking is an extension of verbal discipline.
To clarify....yes, I popped hands for dangerous thing at 6 months...but no there is no such thing as "bad". I was explaining the wide range of reason we spank.
This exactly !
This exactly!!
Ummm...so are you just going to spank her harder when she decides to hit ("spank") you when she doesn't like something that you're doing? Essentially that is what you're teaching her - you're dissatisfied with a behavior she's exhibiting, something she's doing, etc, so you hit/spank her. Why, then, should she understand that she isn't allowed to do the same thing? It probably won't stop at you - she'll want to react that way to other kids, too.
ETA: I only ask, because it truly sounds like you spank for everything. Do you do time outs? Do you send her to her room? Do you take privileges away? Do you explain to her why you don't do whatever it is she was doing?
I agree with most/all of this. We don't spank. Not because we don't "believe" in it, but because we haven't needed to at this point in time. We both recognize that that time may come, and we both agree that it is a reasonable form of punishment.
However, right now, we prefer to give DS choices. If he is throwing an unbelievable fit, I will stand him up and say "if you're going to throw a fit then you need to go to your room" this is really working for us right now. He realizes he's throwing a fit about something not too important, and stops, rather than wanting to go to his room. If he won't stop, then we'll take him by the hand and walk him to his room. Just because he's given choices doesn't mean it's not a punishment...we still get an outcome that we want, but it makes him feel as if he has some say in the matter.
If he's throwing something and we don't want him to, then that toy goes in time out. Time outs haven't proven effective for DS yet, but that may change in time. When he was younger, we did redirection. We always make sure to get down on his level and explain to him why we don't do something. And we always make sure to say that WE don't do it - not just him. Mom and Dad don't throw toys, either
C_mo, I like you, but I do raise an eyebrow to you sending Wyatt to bed without dinner when he's not even 18 months old yet and you say that he is at 1% for his weight. I know, to each their own, but it did surprise me.
The underlined...yes, I do talk and take away privileges. Perfect example, we have just moved into a new house. A place of our own. About 2 months into moving she started writing on her wall with crayon. I thought maybe because she wasnt adjusting well. We talked it out. Maybe 2 wks later, she did it again except in her playroom. Agaim we talked and made sure she had plenty of craft supplies. About 3 months later she moved to crayons and pencils, I had her wash her wall with baking soda and water. Again, another 3-4 wks later, she did it again now in her room under the curtains that I didnt notice. I took away all things that would write for 5 days. After getting it back, again...She goes back to writing on both her broom and playroom wall. I had she wash the walls. Clean up her playroom, took all the toys out her broom and she lost it for 10 days. About 3 wks ago, She decides to use permanent marker on her playroom door and my stereo. I spanked her behind. I am have plenty of patience. I give quite allot of warnings...which some of my friends think are too much. Once I get to a point where she knows better, I am on her butt. She has never hit or gotten in a fight with another child. Actually, she has gotten my tongue and will criticize you for what you did wrong.
I find spanking to be a lazy and uncreative form of discipline and I don't buy the idea that it's the only thing that works for some children. And I won't even get into what the research (meta-analyses looking at hundreds and hundreds of studies on spanking) shows about spanked children because I would guess that most of us are familiar with it.
Though my husband and I were both spanked, we refuse to send the message to our children that "I'm upset with you, so I'm going to hit you." How could we then ask that same child not to hit others?
Ok, thanks for the example/clarification, because in your first post it really made it seem like spanking was your first reaction all the time, regardless. This makes much more sense, and you clearly gave her plenty of opportunities prior to spanking to show you that she had learned her lesson.
Oh yea, I do
Glad I could clarify.
This is, for the most part, how I view spanking as well. However, I'm also not willing to say that it will never happen in our house. H and I were both spanked as kids. However, H was frequently spanked, and usually out of anger/frustration/retaliation from his parents. I can only remember being spanked as a last resort for my parents, or to add emphasis to a punishment.
I know that H was also spanked by his uncles and grandfather. To me, that's a power play, and I don't like it one bit. But it's exactly fitting for how his family operates - "You did what?! You don't disrespect me! You get over here so I can swat you and show you who's boss!" They (his family, not H) also raise their voices a LOT. Before we had DS I told H that under no circumstances were anyone other than H or I to *ever* spank our children. If they felt that DS did something deserving of a spanking, then they needed to tell us afterwards (when we pick DS up or whatever), and we'd decide. Then, we could spank if we chose, after explaining to DS why he's getting the spanking, or we could choose to deal with it in another way. That way DS isn't getting hit out of anger/frustration/to prove a point (which is how H's family uses/used spankings) and instead it's a true punishment from H or I for his behavior while with his grandparents/uncle and aunt/whomever. Thankfully we haven't had to deal with this yet...
You do realize though that at 6 months old she does not have the mental capacity to understand popping hands even in the situation that you described, right? At 6 months old she is still working on basic motor/developmental skills. She doesn't yet understand cause and effect.
I'd like to take back my side eyeing of the going to bed hungry just so I can double side eye this. It just does not make any sense to me, at all.
It's been a few hours since I read her earlier post but I think she said it killed her to send him to bed without eating but he won't cooperate sometimes and she has to put him to bed without him eating what she wants him to.
As for the 1% weight thing. He looks to be a completly healthy little guy to me. That is just a number on a chart. I knew a girl whose DD was so tiny she "made her own chart". We ought not to have to compare things like size. Every kid is SO much different. My daughter usually stands a full head over other kids her age. It's just who she is, nothing I've done, or haven't done.
Ok, then I misunderstood. I thought you were agreeing to sending him to bed as a punishment (at his age and weight) and not simply that he was not a fan of the whole dinner thing so it was bed time instead. I've done that - some nights DS doesn't have dinner solely because he is SO tired that he crashes for the night before we have a chance to get a decent meal in him. And, no, he doesn't starve over night - but he is usually quite a good breakfast eater that morning!
As for the 1% - I don't think he's malnourished or unhealthy, and, hey, somebody has to be the 1%. I just, at the time of thinking you were sending him to bed without dinner as punishment, didn't think that the 1% for weight added much merit to your decision. But I misunderstood and totally get where you're coming from now!
@Scout...I pop her hands if she is messing with cords, sockets, ect
@SGC29....my daughter was crawling at 6 months and walking at 9m...at that point I felt, and still do, that she understands not touching tvs, cords, sockets, and the lot. By 1 yr, she knew not to touch those things that mommy said could hurt.
Like a PP said, my methods are not going fit every child. What works for my daughter might not work for my son. He might just need a stern word and calls it a day.
I didn't get through all the responses, but we have and will only spank as a knee-jerk reaction. I can easily list the times I've hit my daughter: when she was reaching for the hot stove(twice), reaching for my knife at a restaurant(as the waiter was setting down the plate!), and when she picked up a piece of dog poop in our backyard and was bringing it to her mouth (still makes me gag a little). I've apologized and explained my actions each time. I've also been known to grab her as she starts to run away, but I hardly consider any of these actions to be true spanking.
DH and I both grew up in homes where we were spanked. My parents spanked out of anger, his parents crossed into the territory that absolutely would be considered abuse (and I'm not saying this lightly. DH still has physical scars.) DH is terrified that he would cross the line, and so we made the decision that we wouldn't spank. I'm not against it if it is controlled and used as effective punishment (at an appropriate age), but I am opposed to spanking out of anger and rage.
I have finally made it through all of the responses and I think I'm at a point where I can reply.
As a FTM, spanking is something that we don't expect to take lightly, however, it is something that may be used at some point in our house. I am hoping that we only ever use it during a dangerous situation or after giving ourselves time to not be angry and decide if spanking is an appropriate punishment for whatever "crime" has been committed.
My husband and I are firm (no pun intended) believers in spanking...HOWEVER it MUST be done in the right way. We will NEVER spank our children while we are angry. If we are annoyed, angry, upset, etc. in any way because of our child's behavior, we will wait (and pray) until our emotion attached to their wrong-doing subsides. Then, we will calmly explain why what they did was wrong, what a better choice would be, how we can work together to improve that behavior. After the child understands that, he will be spanked and then we will pray together for God to give us all strength to be more obedient. I will hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love him.
Haha---I know this probably sounds like the dream world of spanking....but I do believe it is the right way. I know my husband and I will fail and probably not do it right all the time---but that is also a learning process for our kids---We will definitely be confessing our short-comings to our kids as well, so they understand that we make mistakes too.
One more thought to consider----my mom did not go with the spanking method (because she only thought about it as "hitting" your children in anger). Instead, she guilted us and said things like "why would you do that!?" or "I am really disappointed in you"....To me, those things were way WAY more damaging to my heart than being spanked.
I believe we are all sinners---so, I hope not to say things like "Why would you do that" or make my child feel ashamed of themselves. *Ashamed of the behavior, yes, Ashamed of themselves, no.*
My gut reaction here is this is too outlandish to be real, and I hope like hell you are a troll. But since I know there are plenty of idiots out there who buy To Train Up A Child I suspect you may not be trolling. Spanking for every little offense is disgusting whether you couch it in religious terms or not. You entire post makes me want to barf.