August 2012 Moms
Discussion - Spanking
I feel like we need some livening up, and since I know people have all sorts of opinions on this...
In our household we only spank when Wyatt is endangering himself, and my spanking I mean a firm 'no', as simple an explanation as we can, and a pop on his bum. Personally I think there are better forms of discipline, but he's not at the age where I can reason with him yet and it gets his attention. We don't spank out of anger or frustration, and try to keep as calm as possible while spanking.
Thoughts?
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Re: Discussion - Spanking
We don't and won't spank, not even a small pat to the tush. I redirect if she gets into trouble and we do small "time outs" or "cool down" times right now. It has always worked fine and I don't foresee having any problems with these methods.
As a child who WAS spanked, I am 100% against it. To each their own, but it doesn't happen in our home.
That's the only time we spank too. Though I find the danger part often leads to hitting on the arm to get him away from whatever he's doing rather than on the bum... Case in point the day he put a key in an electrical socket
I remember in vivid detail the five whoopings I got as a child. Mostly bare-butt with belt. All it did was make me fear the belt and be sneakier...
Now that DS is almost 4.5 we use more reasoning and taking away of privileges... Well, and sometimes the yelling (he let go of my hand as we were exiting a Metro train!!!!)
I don't think we've ever spanked DS, he's 18 months right now. We aren't against it. Right now it's mostly a slap in the hand if he grabs for something over and over after he's been told no. It's effective for us, right now. I have a hard time slapping his hand sometimes knowing the bottom lip will stick out within 5 seconds afterwards. We don't slap it hard enough for him to hurt, but he knows what it means. He stops the behavior and he says sorry...
Ok, ready for the flaming...
Spanking is an option for us. I havn't had to spank either of my kids in a long time.
We spanked my very strong willed and bull headed DS quite a few times when he was in the 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 age range. He is almost 6 now and is able to control his emotions and actions much, much better. We can talk, we can listen, and he knows he's not going to win anything by throwing a tantrum. He's also had to go to bed without dinner once, I think that was even worse for him than the spankings.
DD, who is 4 1/2 never really responded to spankings, so we didn't use them often. She doesn't like time outs, that's what affects her the most.
Every child is different and as parents we need to adjust our parenting techniques to fit our precious individual children. I truly believe the proverb "spare the rod and spoil the child" but don't believe "rod" means spankings. It means punishment, or consequences for their actions. And the appropriate consequence will vary from child to child.
Has anyone read the book "Nurture Shock?" I thought it was really interesting. The authors evaluate a bunch of different studies on children. One of the chapters is on spanking. The author's thesis after looking at various studies on spanking were that if spanking is a "normal" punishment that is doled out regularly for set things, then kids just see it as normal punishment and it's not a big deal, and it works.
They said that families that only use spanking as an absolute last resort, when the parent is really, really mad, make it seem like the parent is resorting to violence because they've lost it over something - like the parent can't control their rage. So the conclusion is somewhat counterintuitive (to me, anyway), that if you are ever going to spank, that you should do it regularly.
I'm a FTM so while I'd like to say I don't plan to spank at all, we'll see what happens.
I have three kids, 13, 6 and 4, and having # 4. I agree with above. i dont normally ever ever Try to spank. have I - yes- however- I have found that this just frustrates the child more. I have read many many parentingbooks that say when you spank it only shows the child agression and only teaches the child "whoever is bigger" is in charge. I usually take away privillages- ie: video games, no TV, no computer, etctera.. (my kids are older) or no play date etcetera, than spank. I also beleieve you always remain calm- as hard as it may be. But never discipline in frustration. This is MO
Well..yeah, making him starve all night likely was more upsetting. Seriously?
I believe in spanking for certain situations (such as safety issues), however it is not my preferred method of discipline, nor do I think it should be a first response to most issues.
I think it also depends on the child and what works best for them.
I am undecided about this. As a teacher in Early Childhood Education I am in total agreement with SGC29, but then I've never (as a teacher) been in a situation where a child could run out in traffic or touch a hot stove (the classroom is a very controlled environment). I guess it depends how well my future child responds to redirection and how often he gets into situations that are very unsafe.
On a side note, my mom said that I got spanked only once as a child--when I ran out into traffic while on a walk. I wasn't talking yet and I don't remember it. If we do use spanking at all, it will probably be in a similar context and frequency.
I can see this point of view. DS is 5 and I'm not opposed to spanking but I don't know if it is just my parenting style or personality or what but I've never spanked him or anything close to it. I always have said that I would spank but it just has never been part of how I deal with DS and it has never entered my mind when I'm disciplining him. I think hypothetically if I did ever spank him it would be out of anger since it isn't how I normally act with him. I just don't see it ever happening but am not against it.
My brother spanks his daughter as a form of discipline and it definitely isn't out of anger because he is much calmer and more laid back than I am. It's just his discipline style I suppose.
That is completely different than what she is saying. She used sending him to bed without dinner as a punishment. That is not the same as your one year old refusing to eat.
Trust me, he wasn't starving. He wouldn't eat his dinner and he got plenty of warnings of what would happen if he didn't stop complaining about his food.
He learned his lesson. He eats the vegetables I put on his plate now. He says thank you for dinner. This doesn't come naturally to some kids. It takes training, and one night of going to bed without dinner is not a severe punishment or out of the ordinary, imo. We're talking a 5yo here.
Right now at 20 months I will 'pop' DS on the hand or butt if he's doing something dangerous like touching the stove (also a firm "no" and explanation like "HOT! that will HURT you".
I was spanked as a kid and I'm not against it. I'm not sure what we'll do once the kids are a little older. I think it depends a lot on the child so we'll just figure out what works best for us once we get there.
DS2 8/21/12
DD 9/26/14
Baby #4 edd 2/11/19
I used sending him to bed without dinner as a punishment for him refusing to eat his dinner, complaining about whatever I put in front of him to eat, and this attitude becoming a habit. His behaviour was corrected. He got appropriate consequences for his actions.
I don't see what is so bad about this? DS is 5 and has been sent to bed once without dinner because he flat out refused to eat what I had given him. What am I supposed to do? Run back to the kitchen and cater to him so that he eats something? If I did that he would expect it and fight everytime dinner came about. He went to bed once without dinner and now he knows that this is what dinner is, it's not up to him. Going to bed without dinner isn't starving a kid. He may have been hungry but he certainly wasn't starving and wasn't hurt in any way.
Sending a child to bed without food who is incapable of getting his own food, is pretty shiity. Would you go without feeding your dog before bed? Why is it okay for a child to go an entire night without food? I'm sorry but taking food away as a form of punishment gets a major side eye from me. Period.
I could see having him leave the table and giving the option to return again once he decides he is ready to eat. I certainly don't think a separate meal should be made, but to send a child to bed on an empty stomach without leaving him the option to return should he become hungry is just ridiculous.
DD is 11 and she still can't be reasoned with.
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As a child who was spanked with DH who was paddled, We will be spanking our children.
My parents used different methods for different degrees of punishment/age. Hand, to "Clean" Flyswatter, to belt.
Kept me out of trouble.
DS has the option of sitting at dinner with us. If he screws around and doesn't eat while we're eating, he can finish his meal alone. If he asks to be excused and doesn't want to eat what is provided, he can as long as he understands that he won't be receiving anything else the rest of the night. It's 100% his choice. Once he decides to get up from the table, his meal is done and I won't leave food out to wait for him to be ready. Meal time is meal time, it's not dictated by the toddler in the house just becuase he would rather do something else instead. I think it depends on the age and the child, obviously, but at almost 4 years old he's perfectly capable of making the decision on his own.
Obviously, judging by my signature, I am not a first time mom as I have an 18 month old daughter. I was simply stating my opinion, and that is perfectly fine. I thought it was a shiity thing to do. I didn't say she should sit there and try to make him a hundred different meals to get the child to eat, but to send him to bed without the option to return should he become hungry IMO is crappy. He is a child incapable of preparing his own food. Should she have sent him away from the table and he return in hunger, then what? Is it okay to just send him back to bed until morning because "hey, you didn't eat it the first time". IMO, YES, sending your child to bed on an empty stomach, is crap.
ETA: I don't think there is much that is more important than making sure my child has gone to bed with a full belly.
If that is works for you, fine. I just disagree.
FWIW, even when my children are old enough to make their own meal, they still won't have the option of making something to eat if they've refused to eat the meal provided to them.
To each their own..
I hate when people do this (the whole wait and see thing) but I want to just say that having an 18 month old is very different. I don't think anyone here would send an 18 month old to bed without food so yes you are right that I'm sure you wouldn't do that to your child at this point. When your kids hit 4/5/6 years old and they test you like this maybe you will see what our point of view is.
It isn't a "wait and see" matter. This is just not something I believe in, period. I don't need the whole "wait and see" bullshiit. Thanks.
I think it's funny that the disagreement here is about a kid who threw a fit about his food and wouldn't eat it was sent to bed without supper, instead of the spanking.
I have done both. My youngest is 3 years old and he went to bed without eating supper on Wednesday night. He ate one bite, while crying, and screaming that he didn't like his food, and that he WAS NOT going to eat it. I told him if he tried it, he could get up from the table, but he was not getting anything else. If he was starving or really that hungry, he would sit down and eat what is offered. And really- my dog behaves better with food than my 3yo does, and doesn't throw a fit about what is offered, so that comparison doesn't make much sense to me...
My 5yo likes to unbuckle his car seat... not the straps that go in front of his chest, but the entire car seat. From the car. I pulled over and spanked him the last time he did that- and he hasn't done it again. It isn't the first time, and it won't be the last- but it isn't my go-to - if that makes sense.
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I believe in spanking but only feel it is effective at certain ages. My oldest is 12 and too old in my opinion and my youngest is 5 and the word spanking is enough to scare him although he might have only gotten 2 in his lifetime. I don?t think it should ever be done with anger and because of that I always send them away for about an hour before hand (gives me time to cool off).
My DS is in the 90% for weight and we are going through a stage where he doesn't want what we make for dinner. He wants to eat but what he wants are inappropriate foods like granola bars, crackers, or cookies. He gets sent to bed without dinner if he does not eat what we make. When he gets hungry enough, he will eat.
We have tried spanking for dangerous things and it doesn't work for him. A stern no, sends him into hysterics so as long as that works we don't need spankings. Spanking is one tool on the parenting punishment tool belt and I have no problem using it when the situation warrants it but it will always been the punishment of last resort.
In regards to going to bed without a meal, Kids play power struggle like you wouldn't believe! You give in once, you set that bar and then have to deal with them thinking they're going to get their way every time. I've sent my son to bed without dinner before. His choice. I knew what he wanted was to just go watch tv. I said eat your food, he was refusing and saying he was full when he barely ate. He said he didn't like it. He said he was tired. I said fine, then go to bed. He said ok. Dude went to bed, earlier than normal even just because he didn't want to eat what I made. Its a completely different story with a 4/5/6 year old, trust me! Its a very boundary pushing age. You have to be ready to stand firm by your decision or face having a child that thinks they run the house. Simple as that.
In regards to spanking, we spank. He gets warnings, he gets time outs, and if after all that he still decides hes not gonna listen, spanking. It works for us.
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