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What Can I Do? (Pregnancy Mentioned, Ticker Present...)

EmilyXLCEmilyXLC member
in Late Term and Child Loss

Hi ladies,

 

I hope you are all doing well today.

I have some concerns regarding a girlfriend who has really been through a lot...  I apologize, as this is extremely long & VERY unstructured.  I'm a little emotional right now & I'm just typing things as they come, so please hang in there with me.

Two years ago today, my friend lost her son a few weeks before her EDD.  She had a perfectly normal pregnancy up until that point...  She had to carry him for 3 days before her body naturally sent her into labor.  I believe she was due to be induced the next day.  She never had any sort of closure; the autopsies revealed nothing whatsoever & he was considered a very healthy baby.

This time last year we spent some time talking & she brought it up.  I always wanted her to know that I was there for her but NEVER wanted to bring it up unless she WANTED to talk about it.  She told me the story & began blaming herself.  I had an extremely early-term miscarriage in high school (I was only 8 weeks along) & while I can somewhat understand the 'feeling empty' aspect of it, there is no way whatsoever that I can even begin to fathom the level of devastation she is experiencing.

"Maybe I wore my jeans too tightly..."  "I shouldn't have given into those cheeseburger cravings..."  "I should have exercised more regularly..."

"People say that it happened for a reason, but why?"

This is what irritates me the most.

Today, on the two year anniversary, people are posting on her Facebook wall.

"Don't worry, he's in a better place!  LOVE U!"  "It's okay, it all happens for a reason, let's hang out soon!"  I just want to scream, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ASS HATS?!"

To make matters worse, her husband left her after the loss.  From what she told me, she became deeply depressed (COMPLETELY understandable) & closed herself off from everyone, including her husband.  While he, too, was grieving, she did not want to be near anyone, nor did she want to discuss her loss.  He ended up seeking understanding & sympathy elsewhere & betrayed her trust & their vows.  She later left him after he refused to give up the other woman.

 Since I found out that I was pregnant, I still talk to her, but I try not to bring up my pregnancy unless she asks about it; even when she asks about it, I still keep it extremely short & sweet.  We ran into each other a couple months ago.  She hugged me with tears in her eyes & whispered, "I'm so happy for you..."

I know this is all still so fresh to her.  She is the strongest woman I know.  What can I POSSIBLY do right now for her?  I'm on the verge of sending a private message to the people on Facebook who are saying this dumb *** to her & telling them to stop.  I sent her a text this morning, telling her that I love her & that I'm thinking about her today.  I don't want to be like everyone else & smother her on today, I just simply want to let her know that I'm here if she needs me.

 

...What else can I do?  : (

 

Thank you all for reading, I look forward to reading your responses.  <3 

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Re: What Can I Do? (Pregnancy Mentioned, Ticker Present...)

  • dandywarholdandywarhol member

    I think the best thing you can do for your friend is be there for her.  You can't control what the other people say, no matter how stupid it is.  So I would just leave the FB things alone.  

    Keep in mind that people grieving often are reluctant to ask for help or support.Your friend has been through a lot and made some difficult decisions (leaving husband) and the support of others is the best thing for her.  Your text was nice but I would call her and talk to her about her, her son, and what she is feeling.  Listen to her and just let her know that she and her son are loved and matter to people.  

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  • Petunia844Petunia844 member
    I agree, you can't protect her from the stupid sh*t that people say.  I would reach out to her, take her to lunch of something and talk to her.  I do understand why people are scared to bring up our losses, but ultimately they are our children... bringing them up may make us cry, but it will always help our heart just to hear someone say our child's name.  She needs to be able to talk.
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  • magdalina.hmagdalina.h member

    You are doing everything right (except she's not strong. she's just living after a loss. A lot of loss moms hate hearing how strong they are)

    People are going to say what they say because they are naive and think they are helping. One thing that bothers me a lot is when people misspell Aidan. A lot of people spell it Aiden.

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  • jbranden12jbranden12 member

    I agree that a call would be nice. When I am hurting, I am not in a place where I will think about calling someone and talking. But I have one friend who has called every week since we lost Patricia and it really means a lot. Then if I want to talk about her I can, if I don't, I won't. But at least I have the chance.

    Thanks for taking the time to ask, you sound like a good friend. 



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  • EmilyXLCEmilyXLC member

    Thanks, everyone.  I'll definitely be giving her a call.

    I just wish I could protect her from all the hurt, but I know there's no way to do that & that she's still taking it just one step at a time.  It's just so difficult for me to sit back & watch someone I care about stumble & fall when there's nothing that I can do to make it better.  : ( 

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