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Hello! New to this board, have a quick question..

christy2125christy2125
in Blended Families
Hello, I have been lurking for the past few days and decided to join in. I saw this board from the infertility board that I just got on. I have been married to DH for 4 1/2 years, and have been a SM to my SD (10) since she was 4 years old. Right now we get her for the standard EOW visitation with holidays. I have a great relationship with my SD and I have a really good relationship with BM as well. She has never been jealous of my relationship with SD and has even encouraged it once she knew I was sticking around. Because of our situation my SD has been around my family since she was 4 and has a close relationship with my parents and brothers and sister. (she is not close to my MIL as she is bat sh!t crazy; which is a whole other post) However as I am assuming most kids that go back in forth feel, she doesn't feel like she quite belongs in either her BM's family or our family. Right now I feel like those emotions are being brought to the forefront as my brother and his gf just announced that they are having a baby. Well my SD is very upset about this, going as far as "hating" my brothers gf and calling the baby a "monster" I have a feeling that this outburst is a result of her being scared of being replaced, however when my sister had her baby she was very happy and loves her little cousin very much. I am wondering if anyone has ever had a situation similar to this, and if they did how they worked with this. I honestly am at a loss as to what to do at this point except reprimand her when she is being disrespectful to the adults in the situation.
TTC 6 years three m/c during that time 5/11 Ruptured Ectopic - Lost left tube and a normal baby boy 2/12 IVF #1 BFN - Very poor egg quality... :( 5/12 IVF #2 Hoping for the best! Est ET 5/11-5/18 BFN Decided to move on to adoption to complete our family!
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Re: Hello! New to this board, have a quick question..

  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    My MIL is batsh!t crazy also! 

    I would reprimand SD for being disrespectful and ask her later to explain what she was feeling when she said that.  Help her find words to explain her feelings ("I'm frustrated" "I'm scared" "I'm angry" "I'm confused", etc...).  Talk frequently about her feelings with her and let her know it is fine to express them, but only in a calm, respectful way.  Tell her when she does that you will do everything you can to help her feel better.

    My SD is going through those same feelings of displacement right now.  It's really hard.  We are just trying to reassure her.  Does your SD have a lot of belongings at your house?  Her own room?  Point that stuff out to her.  She physically has a place in your home and in your lives.  Sometimes that reassures my SD.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • christy2125christy2125
    imageFutureMrsWittig:

    My MIL is batsh!t crazy also! 

    I would reprimand SD for being disrespectful and ask her later to explain what she was feeling when she said that.  Help her find words to explain her feelings ("I'm frustrated" "I'm scared" "I'm angry" "I'm confused", etc...).  Talk frequently about her feelings with her and let her know it is fine to express them, but only in a calm, respectful way.  Tell her when she does that you will do everything you can to help her feel better.

    My SD is going through those same feelings of displacement right now.  It's really hard.  We are just trying to reassure her.  Does your SD have a lot of belongings at your house?  Her own room?  Point that stuff out to her.  She physically has a place in your home and in your lives.  Sometimes that reassures my SD.

     

    It's nice to know I'm not the only one with a crazy MIL! My goodness the things she does and says are just jaw dropping.

     Yes my SD does have alot of belongings at our house, the one thing that my DH always did was make sure she always felt like our home was her home to, so she has her own clothing that we buy her, her own toys, etc, she has everything she would have if we had full custody. Also, due to the good relationship the four of us parents have (DH, BM, SD, and I) we take her to activities sports events, everything as one big family. We have also always told her that she has one family, its just bigger than some other kids.

     I guess I am so worried becuase she has never acted this way before. When BM had both of her babies, she went through a little of "my mom cares more about the new baby then me" phase, but she has never acted this way about a new cousin coming into the picture before. We have been talking to her about her feelings and she just keeps saying that her uncle will change and wont have time for her anymore and it will be all about the baby. She also says that grandma (my mom) wont want anything to do with her either. My heart just breaks for her since it seems like she is struggling with this so much. :(

    TTC 6 years three m/c during that time 5/11 Ruptured Ectopic - Lost left tube and a normal baby boy 2/12 IVF #1 BFN - Very poor egg quality... :( 5/12 IVF #2 Hoping for the best! Est ET 5/11-5/18 BFN Decided to move on to adoption to complete our family!
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