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Newb with long post...

Serendipity0812Serendipity0812 member
in Blended Families

A little background...

It seems so strange for me to be saying that I am in a blended family right now.  My SS is nine.  He has had a very rough life-my hubby is a recovering drug addict, and his biological mom is still a hardcore druggie and may not live much longer as a result of heart problems brought on by her drug use.  Hubby has sole custody, and Alex (SS) does not see his mom and has no contact outside of short, supervised phone calls.  Because of his parents' drug use and a couple of other unfortunate circumstances, he has lost everything several times and had to completely start over from scratch.  I could go on for a long time about the abuse, neglect, and heartbreak he has suffered in his short life.  He has severe ADHD, possibly exacerbated by his mom's hardcore drug use during pregnancy.  All of these things combine to make him really insecure.  The day his dad and I got married, he went through an emotional shutdown because he was afraid we would just wind up getting divorced.

I am now 23 weeks with my first baby, and although Alex claims to be excited and has even made attempts to give some of his toys to the baby, he has begun acting out in ways that let me know he is afraid of losing everything again.  In his experience, change is bad, and it means all the things he loves go away.  In addition, he has always been the baby, and had everyone taking care of him and excusing everything he did because "he's a baby, and anyway he has ADHD and can't help it."  I believe he is beginning to see that being a big brother means a few more responsibilities.

He is about to enter counseling through MHMR, but I know there have to be some things we can do to make him feel more secure at home.  He has just gotten his own room for the first time in his life, and my husband is taking him on weekend "dates" to try and let him know that the two of them will always have a special bond.  Also, hubbs and I try to be more affectionate with each other in front of him to make him more secure about our commitment to one another.

Any suggestions would be welcome.  My heart hurts for this sweet kid, and I have NO mothering experience, but I want to do anything I can to make him feel a little more secure.

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Re: Newb with long post...

  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member

    How long is your DH clean?  Does he attend meetings or counselling himself?

    I think that counselling is a great start.  also talking to him to reassure him and showing him lots fo love and care.

    Involve him as much in the baby planning (congrats by the way).

    It seems that you guys are doing everything right at present.  Keep it up and time will reassure your SS.

    It is imperative that your DH is at the very least attending a couple AA / NA meeting a week.

     

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  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member

    I agree with phantom

    seems like you guys are on the right track.  talk about the baby positively, and frequently.  theres a big difference between talking about a baby and actually having a screaming child in your house 24/7.  Get him in some counseling to deal with his insecurities and adhd, and expect some issues when the baby comes, you are about to rock his boat hardcore. 

    start giving him some responsibilities to get him out of the "being the baby" phase.  every night before bed he is going to need to clean his room, start by helping him and then let him do it himself.  Also, give him control of some situations, such as letting him pick whats for dinner every friday night (start by offering him either A or B and letting him chose, and then work from there)

                           
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  • kali55kali55 member

    This may be minor but if you have a set schedule every day that could help.  Due to the massive instability in his life, knowing what he can expect everyday will help make him feel more secure.

    Also involving him with baby planning will help.  I had a home birth with my son and my SDs were there.  They were invited into the room after I delivered and my midwives were brilliant for making them a part of it.  They had each girl help weigh their new little brother and then showed them his placenta and explained it all.  They then were invited to pick out his clothing and put n his diaper.  It was an immediate bonding experience for them.

     



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  • Christine&MarioChristine&Mario member

    Agree with all the pp's. Regular AA/NA meetings for your DH, lots of structure in the home - clear rules consistently enforced and a set schedule, lots of love and reassurances, and counseling can do a world of good. Other than that, just let time pass. Your SS is used to things falling apart; the only way to show him that this situation is stable is for the stable situation to become a long-term reality.

    Best of luck to you all, and congratulations on your baby on the way :)

    ETA: There is also a special needs board on the bump <-------- and the ladies there may have some good insight into your SS's needs related to his ADHD.

    Mom to E, 11/2011 - Severe egg & dairy allergies, soy intolerance *** Stepmom to G, 2001
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    imagekali55:

    This may be minor but if you have a set schedule every day that could help.  Due to the massive instability in his life, knowing what he can expect everyday will help make him feel more secure.

     

    This!  Try to keep it simple because once the baby comes you'll want to keep things as close to the same as you can.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • Serendipity0812Serendipity0812 member

    Update:  Thanks for the input, guys.  Lots of useful suggestions.  Hubbs is a faithful meeting attender and has plenty of clean time-it's not him I'm worried about, lol!  I don't want kiddo in the delivery room, mostly because it is my first and I'm not sure how I'll react, and he is very sensitive to anyone having pain or distress, especially me.  Of course, he will be brought in immediately after.  After all, it's HIS little sister. 

    We have just started him to cleaning his room, and he is so proud of having his own room that he's doing GREAT.  Will try giving him a few more responsibilities and seeing how that works out.  He is also responsible for taking his ADHD medication (I check it every day to make sure he hasn't forgotten....yikes!) and getting himself ready in the morning.  He also has lists up all around the house of things to do when he showers, gets ready for bed, gets home from school, etc.  I try to keep it pretty structured but give him lots of free play time to do whatever he wants.  It confused me at first, because I would have thought so much structure would frustrate him---but it seems to make him feel so much more secure.  I prefer the routine myself, so I'm all about it!  LoL

    Thanks for everything, guys!

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