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Parenting after a Loss
Ernie52408
member
Would this bother you?
Ernie52408
member
Backstory: DH"s stepmother and I have never gotten along. Even though she has been in DH"s life since he was 3 years old, she treats him as less than her own son (DH's half brother). For example, on Christmas his brother recieves 3x the amount of gifts as DH. It's not about the money obviously- it's the principal.
Now, she's also playing this game with DS. She never comes to see her grandchild. Never makes any effort to visit him even though she lives 5 minutes down the road. She drives by our house to and from work everyday. For Easter she bought her 22-year-old son an Easter gift, she didn't even visit DS let alone buy him a gift. (Again it's not about the gift- it's the principal.)
This is really bothering me. I'm really worried in a few years when DH's brother has children that DS is going to be pushed aside for her "blood" grandchildren.
DH is blowing it off, he thinks it's ridiculous but he doesn't see the big issue. Am I being overly sensitive?
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Re: Would this bother you?
My DH has a similar relationship with his mother, his biological mother, and it bothers me a lot. I don't say anything though because it is his place to say something if he's bothered by it.
Yes, that would bother me. My clear head says let DH approach the subject with his family, but I can be a pretty vindictive b*tch sometimes, and I would probably mention it during our next conversation in a sweet (but snarky, of course) way. Something like, "oh, look at all the stuff MY mom bought for DS for Easter. Isn't that so sweet?" or "[DH's brother] told me all about his Easter basket. How cute the Easter Bunny still visits after all this time."
Honestly though, kids are pretty receptive and DS will be well aware of her nasty ways when he gets older. Spoken from someone who knows.
This.
Do you (or does your son- I'm not sure how old he is.) call her his grandma? If so, I would probably try to make a distinction so that way he doesn't wonder why only one of his grandma's treat him this way.
My step-dad is the same way. My mom didn't marry him until after I was 18 and had moved out but my younger sister still lived with them and it was obvious he favored his son. If she would do one small thing like say forget to wash a dish it was a HUGE deal but his son would do it everyday and it was never brought up and things like that. Also, he has a daughter my age and he payed for her entire wedding, pays her and her husbands rent, gives them money any time they ask for it even though they will be wasting all their money going to movies, going out to dinner, etc. but if my mom does anything to help me or my older sister he makes a big deal about it (even though it is her money that she works for) and if she brings up what he does for his daughter he will say things like, "Well she is my ONLY daughter" and stuff like that.
I don't and won't consider him DD's 'grandpa' and once she is old enough to understand I will tell my mom not to call him grandpa (it really bothers me when she does that now even though DD doesn't understand.)
I am hoping that this will keep DD from expecting him to act the way her 'real' grandpa's do and save her any heartache.
Yes, that would bother me. My mom married my step dad when I was ten. They had two more children together after that. My Step dad treats me just like his daughter but his family does not. Even when I was living at home his family would send Christmas cards with everyone's name on it but mine. They all got a gift and birthday present too. My mom was so mad and finally said something to them. It got her no where though.One year they gave me a bottle of lotion and that is it. It always hurt my feelings that they couldn't even bother to write my name on a card or send a $5 gift when they were spending hundreds on my siblings.
It is not right to treat a step child any differently then your own. I treat my step son as if he was my child and he is never shorted on anything. Right now he actually gets more then his brother since my son is too small to realize what he is getting.
You are not being overly sensitive at all. Your DH and DS should be treated just like the other members of the family. Being a step mom means you are fulfilling the role of another mother. If your DH doesn't get on board with you this might be a hard problems to solve.
Good luck I hope you find a solution!