What's keeping me up at night...(long and boring)

BeeBee08 · April 2012

I can not sleep anymore. I have so much on my mind and I'm hoping that by writing it down and sharing it with you, it will get some of it off my chest so I can finally rest.

DH and I moved home from the US about 3 years ago when we first got serious about TTC. We decided we wanted to be closer to our families and I had some serious immigration issues that helped us make our decision. When we got here we started with an RE and got KU with our first unmedicated IUI, so even though it ended in a m/c, we stupidly thought it would be easy next time, too. So, we bought a house in the burbs on a kid friendly street and thought this would be our forever (at least ten years) home.

A while ago I had posted that if we ended up being child-free, we were going to move back to the states and San Diego was on our list. Well, on Monday, I informally accepted a job in Houston, not quite San Diego, but warm and sunny and a great opportunity. I am not expected to relocate until July 2013, so I still have over a year. Last week, we also decided that if this FET doesn't work, we will not be pursuing further treatment. I am ready to move on, or at least I feel like that right now.

Now I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know if it's because I don't want to leave my home or if it's because I'm afraid that if this FET doesn't work it's the end of our road. Every afternoon I sit in my backyard that we have put so much effort into and almost break down. If this FET doesn't work, I can't stay in my house anyway, it would just be way too hard. It was supposed to be our family home.

And then there's the hope that this FET will work and what will I do then? This move is a fantastic career move as it's within my current organization, so would I still go? I don't know if I want to be that far from my Mom (and I will not have my Mom's support on this, it almost killed her when I moved to Michigan!).

I am sick to my stomach when I think about this and I know it's the worst thing when I should be trying to focus on positive thinking for my upcoming transfer, but I feel so overwhelmed and I can't figure out how to ease my mind.

Writing it down makes it seem so trivial, so I don't know what my problem is. How do I just stay focused and positive about this FET?! And thanks for "listening".

DeputiesWife · April 2012

::hugs::

As someone who moved far away from my home 10 years ago, I miss it everyday. I miss my family, well most of them. Kids or no kids, I miss it.

It is not trivial at all. Writing helps me also.

Stay positive about your FET. I have lots of hope for you that it WILL work!!!!! Then your decision is made and you can stay in your forever home.

Thinking of you.

Roxie5739 · April 2012

For some who too has move a long way from hom (Australia to LA) I know some of the feelings you have as I miss my family terribly, yet love being here so some days and moments I am completely torn.

We brought the house we live in now 18 months ago to start a family. We have 4 bedrooms and 2 are now just visitor bedrooms. I had moment lately thinking why do I even need all this space if I cannot have a family. Those extra rooms will be constant reminders that my dream will not be a reality

What you are experiencing is not trivial at all and you need to be able to vent about it somewhere.

Fx that this upcomding FET will work, try to stay positive about it. Once you get over that hurdle you can then work out the next steps in life and what is right for you little family at that stage. Keep strong.

jessican08 · April 2012

Roxie5739:
Fx that this upcomding FET will work, try to stay positive about it. Once you get over that hurdle you can then work out the next steps in life and what is right for you little family at that stage. Keep strong.

This.

It's not trivial at all, B. These are huge life decisions and you're being faced with them all at once. I can completely understand why you're so stressed.

I've got everything crossed for you, Sweetie. ((HUGS))

theworms · April 2012

it's not trivial

((HUGS))

i am of the mantra in my siggy, worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles but today of its strength.

all you can do is take it one day at a time and do the best you can.

when my mind is racing i find meditations really helped me fall asleep at night. i had an IF one that had affirmations i did any time i needed it.

if you feel like you can't stop the anxiousness and obsessing maybe find a counselor to talk to.

more ((HUGS))

praying hard this is your sticky BFP

reb259 · April 2012

I agree, for now focus on your FET, 2013 is still a bit away. I think once you know the results of your FET things will fall into place, options will become more clear and you will be looking at thing from such a different perspective depending how your FET goes.

If you do move to Houston, you know you will already have a friend!! Geeked I have everything crossed for you that this FET will be successful!

Delta04 · April 2012

Hun, I know it's hard - telling you not to worry is much easier said than done, but you can only take it one day at a time. Like others have said before, first deal with the FET, then worry about the move. I'm really thinking about you and praying that this is it for you and you get that take home baby you so deserve.

I can't imagine being away from my parents either but on the positive side, if you do move to H-town, you'll have some cool chics in Reb and Njonhnson to hang out with! Wink

I miss you, by the way! Heck, I miss all of you guys... :-(

eponine7682 · April 2012

Oh sweetie, this is not trivial at all. I hate this has been such a long and hard road for you and pray that this is your sticky BFP. I know it's hard but try to take it one day at a time. We make so many plans in our lives but we never know how things will turn out. At the end of the day though I just wish you happiness hun. Hugs!

Aegis2005 · April 2012

(((hugs))) Not trivial at all. What you're feeling is so normal.

We moved 1,500 miles 2 years ago, right around the time we started TTC - into a 5 bedroom house. We built, and I haven't done much personalization because I'm scared that if I do, I will love my house more ... and then have to leave it behind if our TTC doesn't end the way I hope it does.

We're here to hear the things that keep you up at night - and to support you in whatever road you end up on.

njohnson1972 · April 2012

I wish I would have seen this sooner.

You will have friends already!! I moved to Houston for a career opportunity too 4 years ago and knew no one here. Houston is a relatively cheap city to live in, which is great. You should see how much house you can get here. If you need an RE here, I can tell you about a few. I can even recommend an Ob/gyn, a great dentist and housekeeper. The downside to Houston - it is darn hot and humid in the summer. Reb259 and I are hanging out this upcoming weekend Smile

So, even though it is a lot to take, know that we will be here for you. You are welcome to email me at njohnson72@me.com.

Rachael07.07.07 · April 2012

Completely not trivial.

DeputiesWife and I talk about missing home all the time. This August will be 5 years since we moved to WI. Granted, Chicago isn't terribly far from my house and I can go home on weekends if wanted. It isn't easy being away from family. It sucks some days. But you also have to look at the other side of things. If this is a great career move, I wouldn't hesitate. DH and I are constantly talking about our next move, and as much as it pains me to say, I don't ever think we will end up back in Chicago. I love home with all my heart but we have to do what's best for our future, with or without kids. You have plenty of time before July 2013 to put more thought into it.

I won't tell you to try to relax or push the worry aside. Lord knows that's impossible. I won't tell you to not focus on it being your last attempt. I will tell you that we are here for you to let the worries out. When you feel like you are only being negative, talk it out with us. Keep a smile on your face and surround yourself with positivity, no matter how much pessimism you are feeling.

I wish you the best of luck with everything hun. ((((hugs))))

dancinaggie · April 2012

Ah hun, I hate hearing that you are struggling

Your worries are not trivial at all, they are completely legit. I'm a big wuss when it comes to being away from my family, it is something many people have a hard time with. You have so many big, life changing possibilities on your plate right now! As much as I'd of course love for you to come to Houston, I pray that this FET is it for you and you can fill your home with the baby/babies you so deserve. If the move to H-town becomes a reality, I'll be heading up your Welcome Party

One day at a time love, you know we all have your back. (((Ginormous hugs)))

Edwina.McDunnough · April 2012

HUGS.

It's totally normal to freak out when you have so many big decisions on your mind, but remember that nothing is set in stone and if something changes, well, it changes. Your FET is first and foremost the most important and immediate thing to focus on now. Rooting for you with everything I've got !!

Bella2u07 · April 2012

I sent you a text

::big hugs::

BeeBee08 · April 2012

Thank you for all your kind words, ladies. I think you all reminded me of something I say to other people all the time, take it one day at a time. I love that I can come here and not feel like a complete lunatic for worrying so much.

And all you Houston ladies, you were one of the big reasons I am okay with my decision! When I think about how scary it is, I keep thinking about you!

LaLe09 · April 2012

This isn't trivial at all. It's huge. As much as i'd love another friend in Houston, I know that moving across the country can be very difficult and stressful. I would try to just take one step at a time. See how the FET goes. Then you can make a decision on whether or not to continue treatment. I think it's hard to say "this will be it" until you know the outcome. I told myself my last IVF would be it and quickly changed my mind afterwards. I don't think you will know how you feel until it's over. I really, really hope for you that it is successful and that you will not have to worry about whether or not to continue treatment. As far as moving goes, that's over a year away and alot can change until then. I hope that you and your DH come to a decision that feels right for you. Hopefully time is what you need to feel comfortable with that decision.

I hate not being able to plan for our future. I think that's one of the hardest things about IF. The future is just one big question mark. Will we have kids of our own? If not, what do we do? Do we buy a house here and if so, how big? My husband and I joke that if we can't have kids, we may just run away to the carribean and not come back. Margaritaville everyday. I just don't know if I can stomach staying here and watching everyone else in my life move on.

Anyway- Hang in there!! Try to just focus on this FET. I've got everything crossed for you!!

reb259 · April 2012

njohnson1972:

I wish I would have seen this sooner.

You will have friends already!! I moved to Houston for a career opportunity too 4 years ago and knew no one here. Houston is a relatively cheap city to live in, which is great. You should see how much house you can get here. If you need an RE here, I can tell you about a few. I can even recommend an Ob/gyn, a great dentist and housekeeper. The downside to Houston - it is darn hot and humid in the summer. Reb259 and I are hanging out this upcoming weekend

So, even though it is a lot to take, know that we will be here for you. You are welcome to email me at njohnson72@me.com.

Sorry Bee, don't mean to hijack your post but N I am so excited for Saturday!!

Bee if you move here there are enough of us we could all get satin pink jackets (like in grease) and call ourselves something clever...lol Devil

SweetDahlia · April 2012

Hugs.

Gregermis · April 2012

((hugs)) when you figure out how to stay focused and positive, please let me know.

((more hugs)) IF SUCKS! Crying

naybird · April 2012

Big hugs, darlin. These problems aren't trivial at all, this is your life. Your life and happiness are very important.

I think you should concentrate on your FET, and then let the rest follow the outcome.

I know after this last cycle, when my betas didn't rise properly, I decided that if it didn't work out, we didn't need our "family house'. So I was all set to sell the house, and move to Puerto Rico into a small house on the beach somewhere. Buy DH a fishing boat and let him do charter fishing tours for a living. I figured if we aren't going to have a family, why not.

So I can totally relate to this post.

Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

Sloane99 · April 2012

I just want to give you a huge hug. I agree with the PP in that things change so much and so quickly with this journey and in life in general that all you can do is keep all your options open and work towards that FET. I don't know how it's all going to work out but I can absolutely promise you that no matter what, you will be okay.

XV11Star · April 2012

Sorry I am a little late to this, sometimes my computer doesn't let me post... I can read but then when I click on respond, nothing happens... or other fun things. :-P

Anyway ~ everyone has already said things so well, and i agree with it all even if it contradicts. ha! It's just one of those challenges of life, and you are in a big transitional phase it sounds like... When things get overwhelming for me I end up freaking out to MH and he always tells me to just take one step, one task, at a time. It's the only way you can be effective and functional, even though we try so hard to do, worry, and think about it all, all at once. I just read a quote on (stupid, why do I go there) Facebook, that said "worrying is like praying for what you don't want". I thought that was good in a way ~ at least to try to just slow down the worry anyway. ;-)

Big hugs to you, and prayers that this FET is the one for you!!

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