How to go about official CO?

InfinityDreamer · April 2012

My ex and I have been separated since DS was 15 months old, he's now 5. We were never married and only lived together for 5 years prior to separating so it did not count as a domestic partnership of any sort under CA law. We have had various unofficial agreements regarding DS over the years but it's all been circumstantial and based upon what I've felt was in DS's best interest.

For example, when we first separated we lived 8 miles from each other and alternated every other day with DS, this was a hassle but made the most sense because I was still breastfeeding. As DS got older we alternated between 3 and 4 days each week. BF and I had always agreed that if one of us were going to be away during our scheduled time that we would give each other the first priority for watching DS rather than leaving him in the care of a family member or sitter. BF was "busy" at least 3 weekends a month at the time so while it was technically split 50/50 it really wasn't. Last October after my DD was born we moved (DH, DD and I) to a new city about 70 miles from BF. We obviously couldn't split the week in the same way any longer. Because BF works full-time and is a part-time student in the evenings, it only made sense for me to have DS during the week to enroll in a local school and BF to see him on his days off.

Our current Schedule:

DS is in school Monday-Friday, BF picks him up after his soccer game on Saturday morning/afternoon and DH and I pick him up on Sunday around 5pm. A few months ago I pushed to get one weekend a month with DS because I felt like all we got to do was the basic school night routine before it was bedtime (he's in bed by 7:30) and never had a chance to play or take him out to do anything fun. With a sibling here who adores him, and another on the way, it saddens me that DS is rarely present for the only real family time we get during the week.

DH and I would really like to have him every other weekend, would that be out of line? BF fought me when I asked for just one weekend saying that I was taking away his time but yet I've let him know that we are happy to have DS call or video chat with him any night of the week, but he has never once taken me up on it and when there are times when it has been 2 weeks since he's seen DS he never ever has tried to call and chat with him (which I've always done if DS is gone more than 1 night).

TL:DR I really want to push for more time with DS but I don't know if what I'm asking for is unreasonable. I've never asked for child support even though I would be entitled to over $500 a month, I just want to be able to spend time with my son and for him to have time with his siblings in a stable environment. Even if I don't decide to push for more time how can I go about getting some sort of official CO in place since all I have been able to find on the topic pertains to custody after divorce (which doesn't apply). I'm in CA if that helps.

kimmygirl77 · April 2012

Hi there neighbor! (we are also in OC) As far as i know, you would have to file with the juvenile court and they would notify your ex that you have done that. I even think that because you were unmarried that DNA tests may be required. I would talk to an attorney. Most times they have a consultation fee and you can ask them the procedures and what papers to file. My DH had every single weekend when he was first divorced. Then a few years later BM wanted 1 weekend a month. Our attorney told us that she would get it if we went to court, but DH would not lose time. He would have to take time during the week instead. The reason we were given is because the court does not like to take away time once it has been established. Not sure if the same holds true here because you don't have a formal CO. Also if your ex is unwilling to take time during the week, then it seems to me that he forfeits that time because a judge will most likely agree with you and give you a weekend. But this means you might have to give up 2 days during the week to compensate the time that your ex is losing. That is what we do. When it is Bm's weekend, we have them during the week. We live close enough to make that work.

InfinityDreamer · April 2012

kimmygirl77:
Hi there neighbor! (we are also in OC) As far as i know, you would have to file with the juvenile court and they would notify your ex that you have done that. I even think that because you were unmarried that DNA tests may be required. I would talk to an attorney. Most times they have a consultation fee and you can ask them the procedures and what papers to file. My DH had every single weekend when he was first divorced. Then a few years later BM wanted 1 weekend a month. Our attorney told us that she would get it if we went to court, but DH would not lose time. He would have to take time during the week instead. The reason we were given is because the court does not like to take away time once it has been established. Not sure if the same holds true here because you don't have a formal CO. Also if your ex is unwilling to take time during the week, then it seems to me that he forfeits that time because a judge will most likely agree with you and give you a weekend. But this means you might have to give up 2 days during the week to compensate the time that your ex is losing. That is what we do. When it is Bm's weekend, we have them during the week. We live close enough to make that work.

Thanks, for your input. I was hoping we wouldn't have to get an attorney involved and that I could just somehow figure out how to file everything myself, but I suppose that's probably much more difficult than I had previously assumed.

There would be no reasonable way for BF to have days during the week. He works till 5 and then is in class from 7- 10PM several nights a week. In traffic it takes nearly 2 hours each way so to pick up DS after work he wouldn't have him home till 9PM and would have to drive him 70 miles back our direction by 8AM for school the next morning. I've actually suggested in the past that he and his GF come after work sometime during the week and join us for dinner and stay till DS is in bed, but it just isn't really feasible.

kimmygirl77 · April 2012

I am sure if you go to the family court, (it is right across the street from The Block) the clerk would walk you through the paperwork. Try to do it on your own and then decide if you need to consult an attorney. Sounds like it won't work during the week for your ex. Maybe you could offer him a full month during summer vacation in exchange for your 1 weekend a month. That way he isn't losing time. You figure he would lose 2 days a month times 12 months is 24 days. He could get that back during the summer break. Just a thought....... Good luck!

Holly_1007 · April 2012

I think you have a very good chance of being able to establish a CO without an attorney. I would keep an eye on this board, alot of times people throw questions out about CO's in regards to holidays, summer vacation schedules, certain things in a CO that you wouldn't necessarily even think of (for example our CO has a clause about who pays for college and how that is decided) etc.

you need to go to family court and a clerk will most likely help you fill out the paperwork. if BF is on the birth cert (and signed it) they will most likely not need to do a DNA test.

Since you guys have had a pretty set schedule established for a while a judge is mostly going to stick to that, but he will grant you one w/e a month. perhaps you can negotiate something where BF gets DS for 2 week summer vacation to make up for this missed visitation time?

The only reason I can see that you might need an attorney is if BF throws a massive temper tantrum and tries to accuse you of completely out of this world things(such as drug use or child abuse etc) then its best to leave it to the Pro's.

another word of advice, even though you and BF get along decently now, try to get your CO as detailed as possible (such as dates and times for holiday visitation, who does the driving etc) It will save you alot of headache down the line if he starts arguing with you over these things, which is always a possibility.

hterry85 · April 2012

We're not in CA, but our lawyer told us IF everyone could agree on a schedule they could both sign it and our lawyer would file it with the courts. It would cost a couple hundred at most. But if you can both agree you may be able to file it on your own? How do you guys handle summer and holidays? If you were to go to court it's very likely you would get every other weekend, as this is pretty much standard. Some things you could offer....Maybe you take 2nd and 4th weekends of the month, that way if there is a 5th he gets the extra? Some people occasionally do this in place of alternating. Would you be willing to split 50/50 in the summers, or give him a large chunk of time? If you can offer things like this he may be more willing to agree to the extra weekend time without fighting over it in court.

cole2144 · April 2012

If my husband only got to see his child one overnight a week and then BM tried to take two of those per month, my DH would be having none of that as well. I understand wanting to be able to do fun things with your child on the weekends, but think about how your ex feels seeing his child only two overnights a month. I am sorry but I think it is selfish of you to take even more time from your ex. I think it`s not good for your child to only see his father two overnights a month.

FutureMrsWittig · April 2012

InfinityDreamer:

kimmygirl77:
Hi there neighbor! (we are also in OC) As far as i know, you would have to file with the juvenile court and they would notify your ex that you have done that. I even think that because you were unmarried that DNA tests may be required. I would talk to an attorney. Most times they have a consultation fee and you can ask them the procedures and what papers to file. My DH had every single weekend when he was first divorced. Then a few years later BM wanted 1 weekend a month. Our attorney told us that she would get it if we went to court, but DH would not lose time. He would have to take time during the week instead. The reason we were given is because the court does not like to take away time once it has been established. Not sure if the same holds true here because you don't have a formal CO. Also if your ex is unwilling to take time during the week, then it seems to me that he forfeits that time because a judge will most likely agree with you and give you a weekend. But this means you might have to give up 2 days during the week to compensate the time that your ex is losing. That is what we do. When it is Bm's weekend, we have them during the week. We live close enough to make that work.

Thanks, for your input. I was hoping we wouldn't have to get an attorney involved and that I could just somehow figure out how to file everything myself, but I suppose that's probably much more difficult than I had previously assumed.

There would be no reasonable way for BF to have days during the week. He works till 5 and then is in class from 7- 10PM several nights a week. In traffic it takes nearly 2 hours each way so to pick up DS after work he wouldn't have him home till 9PM and would have to drive him 70 miles back our direction by 8AM for school the next morning. I've actually suggested in the past that he and his GF come after work sometime during the week and join us for dinner and stay till DS is in bed, but it just isn't really feasible.

Have you looked into mediation? If you're on decent terms that might be successful for you. Can you offer him some compensatory time during the summer when DS and he are both out of school (presumably)?

InfinityDreamer · April 2012

Thanks ladies for your input. I will look into the mediator to get paperwork started. We already have a written agreement which we follow, so it sounds like it should be pretty simple to make it official.

BF is listed on the birth certificate, which he signed at the hospital when DS was born so maybe DNA won't be needed.

This will be the first summer we have to make plans for since DS just started kindergarten last fall. DS recently had two weeks off for spring break which I notified BF of 6 weeks ahead of time. We had planned a family vacation for the second week but I let him know that he was welcome to have DS anytime during the first week of break so long as he confirmed his plans with me no later than 2 weeks prior (I pay for private school and so the school credits me tuition back for vacation time if we notify ahead of time that DS won't be attending their day camp)...he chose to take just 1 extra day. We have a few holidays which are designated as either mine or his (I get DS for Mother's day, BF for father's day, Easter with me because its a big deal in my family and BF has never really celebrated it, xmas eve with BF and xmas day with me) the smaller holidays we just give to whomever happens to have him on the day it falls on.

I have no problem with DS spending several weeks (though probably not all at once) with BF during summer vacation but I have no idea who would watch DS while BF is working (He has already taken most of his vacation time for the year for party trips with his friends).

ericatorrez · April 2012

Okay, in the State of CA, if the parents are unwed, the father signs a declaration of paternity in order to have his name on the BC. It takes way more than DNA to undo this, it says so on the paper when the man signs it.

Second, it is possible to file the paper work yourself, although it is time consuming, and tedious.

Third, you seem very bitter that your BF doesn't take the time to contact him during the week when he is with you, because as you put it, you do when he is with him. But you did mention his schedule, which he is busy most days from I believe 8am to 10 pm. So honestly, where does he have the time to call of video chat? Your BF is probably operating under the assumption that he is working his butt off and going to school for his DS.

It is hard for your to see his side of things, but I can tell that he would most likely be very upset if you went for a formal CO. Because in the State of CA, that parent that doesn't have primary custody, HAS to pay child support, which you said he doesn't have to do now. You have a husband and a new family, which your DS is a part of. But your DS is fortunate enough to have two men in his life that care about him, that is something that you have to take into consideration, even if it means that it is an inconvenience to you.

I have dealt with my DS's BM for the last 15 years, and it has not been easy. Honestly I have been pushing for a CO more than my DH has for numerous reasons. Thankfully, my DH is the voice of reason. He tells me that no matter what, that is still his mom, and like it or not our DS will reach a point where he is old enough to make decisions for himself. Thankfully that day has come, but that is still not without drama.

I guess what I am trying to say is this, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. As long as your DS is happy, THAT is all that matters. You don't want to create a situation where his parents are no longer amicable with each other, and he gets put into the middle of it. That benefits no one.

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