How much does your DH help?

snoangel79 · April 2012

I'm starting to get really resentful of my husband. He works from home (has a pretty stressful job). He goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes up at 5:30 ( so full nights rest). My mom comes on Tues nights and stays most of the day Wed, but I am still getting up feeding one of the twins. My husbands mom comes out one day a week and helps for like 3 hours. My husband works from 6-3 then plays video games and has a few drinks, sometimes comes and hangs with us on the couch (but mostly not). Feeds one of the kids and changes them an average of once in a 24 hour period. I'm just really hurt and resentful that he doesn't help more and especially since I have no "free" time. I had to go the bathroom really bad last night and had to take my kids with me >:

I asked him to try a full night on Saturday and let me sleep for once which he says he will do but when I tried to ask him to help me on the weekdays a little he told me to stop asking or he would "take back" the Saturday he promised. I'm really saddened he doesn't want to help me at all or spend any time with me. I don't know what to do anymore and have been thinking about leaving him.... Besides this he still drinks and just acts like he doesn't "have" time for me or his kids... I think in my heart I feel video games are not a good excuse just because you have "hard" days at work...We were going to go to marriage counsellling before and now he just won't go...

tiannalee · April 2012

Crap Sno - I am so sorry you are still struggling with him. Is it an option to go stay with your mom for a little while? Maybe he needs to see what life would be like without you and the babies. He has some big problems that he is not facing and maybe needs a smack in the face to realize it.

eav2c · April 2012

I am so sorry. Have you tried discussing your feelings with him? My DH has been great at times but other times I so desperately feel very alone. He will do things when I ask but I don't feel he has any emotional connection to LO. He doesnt hold or cuddle him and thinks that it's perfectly acceptable to leave LO in his RnP all day. With that said, my H is around but I honestly feel like he is not emotionally there for me at all. He gets really pissy when I am down and doesn't seem to "get it." I think more so than anything, I cave in and let DH have whatever he wants whenever he wants it... New computer, sure. New Tv, why not. Yet I don't even feel comfortable buying myself a nursing bra that is needed. For whatever reason, his constant wants are taking a major toll on me. Anyways... I hope that you are your DH can work through this with being open and communicating yourselves. Being new patents isn't easy and we all cope differently... Would y'all consider going back to counseling?

DinabethL · April 2012

I'm so sorry that he is acting this way. I can't believe he threatens to "take back" the Saturday. I don't know what to tell you

I wish I had some advice - Have you talked to him about why he acts like this? How was he during your pregnancy?

gisa886 · April 2012

I'm so sorry girl. I think he needs to either pitch in or get out. You are not a single mother and you didn't make these babies alone.

snoangel79 · April 2012

DinabethL:
I'm so sorry that he is acting this way. I can't believe he threatens to "take back" the Saturday. I don't know what to tell you I wish I had some advice - Have you talked to him about why he acts like this? How was he during your pregnancy?

He was an asshat during my pregnancy... I can't talk to him because he cuts me off when I try to say things to him. I really hate it... I just wish he cared enough... as for couciling (we were going to go and crap hit the fan hard with the end of my pregnancy and then he told me he wouldn't after we had the babies and just told me "he would" to shut me up... I"m at wits end with this guy. He's super selfish and thinks because "he provides for us" the job basically ends there. He does help sometimes but it's few and far between. He sees me burning out and goes and plays a video game with his scotch in hand, it really sucks. Seriously the only time he wants to spend with me is if he's going to get some...

FusionLMT · April 2012

Ugh I am so sorry. That is completely unacceptable, especially with twins. When DH is home and the kids are awake we are splitting responsibilities around the house (childcare and house care) 50/50. He gets free time when they are sleeping and is totally fine with this (most of the time, everyone has a bad day here and there).

Beener0514 · April 2012

I would be pissed at DH if he was acting like that! He realizes those are his kids, too, right?

I agree with PP that you should talk to him about how you are feeling. If he doesn't change, I would either kick him out for a bit or leave with the babies. It is unacceptable for him to think or expect you to do it all, especially with twins.

To answer your question about how much our husbands are doing, my DH is working full time and comes home from work and spends every minute he can with LO. He also gets up for every mid-night session. He changes Emmy's diaper and then hands her off to me to nurse. He says he feels like he is being an equal parent by handling the diaper duty since he doesn't have boobs.

I hope it gets better for you. ((hugs))

KFCupcake · April 2012

I'm super sorry and sad to hear that he is still not stepping up and being the husband (and now the father) he should be. I was hoping that once the babies came he would get a reality check. As with all of the other responses, He needs to shape up or ship out. You just gave birth to premature twins. You didn't make them on your own and you need his help. I hope he decides to go to counseling but if he is only doing it to "shut you up," then he shouldn't go at all.

If you need to go to your mom's for a few days I'd do it. Stay strong girl and know you've got a slew of women here that are behind you!

mumegs · April 2012

So sorry you are dealing with this, I can't imagine having to take care of twins on my own, one is hard enough! My DH will take the baby when I need a break or to eat/ shower or something, and he does change a lot of diapers too. It is hard being the only one that can feed her though, I don't make him get up at night with me. He does all te housework though, all the cooking cleaning and laundry and also takes care of our dogs, so baby is pretty much my only job.

cuppaco · April 2012

Ditto PP, I'm sorry your dealing with this.

As for my DH, I was hospitalized for 8 days due to infection and put in isolation. DH had to do 100% of all baby stuff, as literally it was just him and her that entire time. Now, I'm back home (have been since Saturday), we are splitting everything as best as we can, with him still doing 60-70% of stuff because I am still resting/healing from the c/s and the subsequent infection. However, I know our situation is different because DH is a SAHD and I am on maternity leave, so the only thing either of us have to do is baby stuff.

jenwet · April 2012

KFCupcake:
I'm super sorry and sad to hear that he is still not stepping up and being the husband (and now the father) he should be. I was hoping that once the babies came he would get a reality check. As with all of the other responses, He needs to shape up or ship out. You just gave birth to premature twins. You didn't make them on your own and you need his help. I hope he decides to go to counseling but if he is only doing it to "shut you up," then he shouldn't go at all.
If you need to go to your mom's for a few days I'd do it. Stay strong girl and know you've got a slew of women here that are behind you!

This, exactly. Sno, I'm so sorry he hasn't stepped up like he should since the babies have been here. Agree with the others, and just don't forget we're all behind you on this. ::hugs::

FlyHigh37 · April 2012

I'm sorry to hear this. There are personality traits that tend to go with alcoholism, unfortunately. I've dealt with it a lot in my life and made a promise to myself never to marry a guy like that. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's often hard to get them to see eye to eye. Often times they will do something nice for you and that's proof to them that they are a good husband or just rationalize to themselves that they are good husbands because they are providers. They often are good at demoralizing others with guilt and fear and obligation and use of manipulation. They are often the biggest rationalizers. I have a friend who's a psycologist who stated once that to rationalize is exactly what it sounds like: "rational lies". I don't necessarily mean to go on a tangent or generalize your situation. I'm sorry if it appears that way. You know your situation best. But II will say this: When you post sometimes my heart breaks for you. You deserve better, whether that's from him, somebody else, or nobody at all. You deserve better.

LolaBelle515 · April 2012

Ugh, I'm so sorry you're struggling with your DH right now, it's not something you need on top of having newborns!

I echo what others above said, but also wonder if you could talk with him about what his father's role was when he was growing up (if you don't already know). Perhaps it's possible that his father was hardly involved and only responsible for being "the breadwinner" so he didn't expect to have more of a role. It might be an adjustment for him to think about being a hands-on Dad, but perhaps seeing what a gift that is in the long run might open him to seeing it's not only the way his dad was.

Just one idea that wasn't yet presented. Sending you a hug!!

snoangel79 · April 2012

LolaBelle515:
Ugh, I'm so sorry you're struggling with your DH right now, it's not something you need on top of having newborns!

I echo what others above said, but also wonder if you could talk with him about what his father's role was when he was growing up (if you don't already know). Perhaps it's possible that his father was hardly involved and only responsible for being "the breadwinner" so he didn't expect to have more of a role. It might be an adjustment for him to think about being a hands-on Dad, but perhaps seeing what a gift that is in the long run might open him to seeing it's not only the way his dad was.

Just one idea that wasn't yet presented. Sending you a hug!!

His father was not involved at all. He comes from a single parent home. His dad left when he was 3. Thank you everyone for being supportive. I have a great family that I am very lucky to have and two beautiful children, I just wish my husband wanted to "spend time" with me and his children...

JFH2010 · April 2012

tiannalee:
Crap Sno - I am so sorry you are still struggling with him. Is it an option to go stay with your mom for a little while? Maybe he needs to see what life would be like without you and the babies. He has some big problems that he is not facing and maybe needs a smack in the face to realize it.

I have to agree with this. From your previous posts it seems you HAVE tried talking to him about it and working it out. Clearly that strategy isn't working. If you have family you could stay with for awhile, that might take some stress off of you - I think it must be terribly stressful to be basically going it alone even though your husband is technically around. A little space might help both of you figure out where to go from here. ((hugs))

kasper923 · April 2012

I just want to give you a hug. Was just wondering how you were doing the other day since I hadn't seen you post lately. Not like you're not busy with 2 lil ones though Right Hug

Musiclover2012 · April 2012

I am so sorry sno, you absolutely deserve better. I wish that he would see how un supportive he has been of you, you just had twins and he should be going above and beyond to helP you. My DH is an equal partner and would never make me feel like he was "helping me" as the baby is not just mine but is ours. He works 1.5 hours away and comes home every day and jumps right on to help out with the boys and never c

Bump burp- see below

Musiclover2012 · April 2012

I am so sorry sno, you absolutely deserve better. I wish that he would see how un supportive he has been of you, you just had twins and he should be going above and beyond to helP you. My DH is an equal partner and would never make me feel like he was "helping me" as the baby is not just mine but is ours. He works 1.5 hours away and comes home every day and jumps right in to help out with the boys and never complains. He is a wonderful husband and an even better father who puts us first always. You deserve that and I hope you can find that with him or someone else who appreciates you.

ateal2490 · April 2012

Oh, Sno, of all people to see this thread from;...it kills me that its you.

You've done so much to make sure you got those beautiful children here happy and healthy...you've sacrificed so much already. You're husband needs to wake the f*ck up. And no, there's no adequate excuse for the way hes acting. Who cares how stressful his job is...your job is more stressful, I'd be willing to bet my right arm on that...

You and your babies deserve so much more than some Saturday that he's holding over your head like some crazy favor.

OrganicTeacher · April 2012

Sno - I am so sorry that you are going through this crap right now. I have been having some issues with DH too - and it is him being selfish with time when I need his help. I can only imagine what you are going through with twins! I would honestly do what the other PPs said and take babies over to your mom's for a few days - specifically the weekend when he normally spends time with you. He will see what awesomeness he is missing out on with not having you and the babies there, and maybe it will give him the swift kick in the butt he needs. I hope you guys are able to make it to counseling - it saved my marriage pre pregnancy, and I think we are on our way back there too.

Thinking about you girl!

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