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Blended Families
Would you let them go?
I have been MIA for a bit with working two jobs but lurk whenever my schedule permits. I was hoping to get some feedback on an issue I am wrestling with.
So the super quick re-cap. I adopted MH's two sons last August after being their mom for 5 years and no contact from BM. This past January our oldest son asked to contact BM. Although I had serious reservations, we supported him completely. Since then (about 4 months), things have been working out really well. The kids have been skyping with her and their 1/2 sister once a week, she's sent them a package, we've exchanged pictures, etc. I honestly like her and things are going better than I ever imagined they would. Even DH and BM had an "air clearing" conversation and were able to come to terms with some past issues.
During my lunch break from work yesterday I was looking up summer camps and activities for the kids for when they get out of school. I had the idea that maybe since things were going so well, we could send the kids to BM for a visit towards the end of summer instead of camp. This would give them a few more months to get re-acquainted via phone/skype. It has been over 5 years since they have seen each other. I brought this idea up to DH last night and he was not up for it. He said he doesn't trust her enough yet, etc. I asked him if he really thought she would do something to hurt the kids? He said, "no, but I'm not ready to send my reasons for living to her." Which I really understand because I don't know if I'm even ready to do something like this. But I can't see that it would be any worse than "sending your reasons for living" to a complete stranger at a camp in the wilderness for two weeks...right?
Part of me thinks I must be a trusting fool to even consider it. The boys are 15 and 13 and I feel that is old enough for them to figure out some things on their own. I don't want the boys to miss out on an opportunity to get to know her better. Too much time already wasted and all that. Would you let them go? If yes, how should I approach it with DH? Or am I crazy lady who needs to put her guard back up? Thanks in advance for your feedback ladies.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would you let them go?
I wouldn't let them go and I certainly wouldn't be the one to suggest they go either. This woman had NO contact with these boys since they were 8 and 10, right? There's a big difference between skyping once a week and having them stay for a week. She may not even want that. They may not even want that. Your DH doesn't want it, so why push the issue at all?
If she wants to see them for a week, she'd call and invite them. Likewise, if they want to stay with her for a week, they'd ask her. If not, I'd just try to be happy with the fledgling relationship they have started.
A camp situation is completely different. I know they are strangers, but there is also no expectation of an ongoing relationship or a parent/child relationship with their counselors. They will go to camp, be well taken care of by certified college students, lol and come back mosquito bitten and sunburned. Send them to their mothers and they'll likely come home broken hearteded in some nature.
I wouldn't stir the pot a bit on account of 4 months of friendly skyping. No way. No how.
No. No. No.
The person who lived with her, had children with her, was married to her doesn't trust her. You've known her for about five minutes comparatively.
It's great for them that they can skype and get to know her. Not every parent is meant to be a hands on parent or handle the responsibility that comes with being a mom or dad.
Don't project your sanity onto someone who has proved not to be.
This. SS's BM comes across in our brief interactions to be sane. HOWEVER, the legal and child protection systems in place prove me wrong time and time again. I'm overly trusting, too.
If she's interested in seeing them, and they her, she should come to THEM in their typical environment / town.
Well, I always did love this board for the direct feedback. I will clarify that I wasn't the first to bring it up. The kids have naturally asked about getting to see her in the past four months. DH is the one who handles that and tells them "one step at a time". I agree four months is too soon. That is why the end of summer seemed a better time. Perhaps that is too soon as well.
PP point about summer camp vs. a visitation is a good one. I agree. As far as DH not trusting BM, well he may never trust her. That won't stop DSs from wanting to see her or their siblings. I believe his trust issues are in their relationship - not with the kids. That said, as PP pointed out, I have only been around 5 mins. Believe me when I say I am not pushing the issue. It was only a discussion where I asked DH what he thought.
I did think about her coming here as well but she has a new born and I'm not sure that would really work. I see the rationale you ladies are giving and I've thought about many of those things too. BM has also said that she would like to see them at such a time DH and I are comfortable. She doesn't appear to be insane and her other children look healthy and well cared for. Again, that doesn't make it the best thing. I just wanted to clarify why I'm even thinking about it.
I am not running out to do anything drastic or bend over to assist BM. But I do want the kids to have the opportunity they want to know her and they are bringing their desires to our door. That doesn't make it in their best interest. It could also be a bit too soon and a topic of conversation that was tabled until next summer. As always, I appreciate your responses.
Lurker butting in here. I come from a blended family so I sometimes read on this board and thought I might have something to add here.
Even if you think the boys would be safe and well cared for in her care, there's also a risk to them emotionally and mentally with a visit. I had a very distant relationship with my father and stepmother and sometimes I'd go a while without seeing them, my father would show some interest in me for a while and I'd go for a visit. When I was a teenager, it was really difficult on me. I just wasn't ready emotionally or mature enough to handle the complexities of it all. Sometimes I'd be disappointed by my father's reaction to my visit (ie it didn't seem like it meant anything to him or he really cared). Sometimes I'd just feel angry and hurt watching him interact with my stepbrother and wondering how he could be such a good dad to my brother and not even care about me. I was also fortunate to still be close to home those times and able to go back to my mom quickly.
Nine months just seems like not enough time to be sure the boys would be safe physically and emotionally visiting her on their own. A better solution, if it's possible, might be to plan a family trip near her but someplace fun and with its own attractions. Arrange a meeting with all of you early in the week for lunch or dinner to see how it goes. If it goes well and you think it's okay, maybe they could spend some time with just her and her family later in the week. If it doesn't go well, you can have some awesome activities planned for later in the week so the trip isn't focused on her and the boys have something to look forward to and enjoy.
Sorry to butt in, that's just my thoughts as someone who was in your sons' position a decade or so ago. Good luck with whatever you decide!
DS Nathan 12/4/12
BFP: 3/31/15 EDD: 12/4/15
MC: 7/2011, 12/2011
Baby steps. I wouldn't plan anything more than a supervised day trip.
I'm also getting the feeling that this is not something BM has asked for. I don't think you should push the relationship too hard. It is very fragile now.
I'm so glad the current steps are going well!
I would plan summer as normal for this year. It is still pretty new. It would be great if maybe you guys could stay close for a weekend and let her have the boys most of the time (and a little adult time for you and your H). It may help the transition for everyone. It could be kind of a test run for BM with the boys.
This!
This is exactly where I was coming from.
You bring up very good points about the emotional effects. I also like the idea of a family vacation. Thank you for "butting in" lol.
Yes! I think this is really the most important thing, no matter what ends up happening with BM.
Thank you for the kind words and support ladies. It means more than you know!