What if one parent dies?

rachi1285 · April 2012

This is probably really random, but it has come up a couple times with us...

What if DH dies (he's not sick or anything, just talking freak accident)? Do his family and I have any rights as far as seeing the kids? Is that something that usually gets written into the CO or that more of a will thing? Do any of you have guidelines if something like that happened?

DH has brought it up to BM a couple times in the last few years. He asked that IF anything ever happened to him, his family (parents) and I would continue his visitation schedule. BM completely refused, even though we told her we'd obviously agree to the same on her end. We haven't brought it up again but it came to my mind again this morning. Thoughts?

hterry85 · April 2012

DH could put it in his will that those are his wishes, but even still, I think you, his parents, etc would have to go to court to establish your own visitation schedule. If you got anything it would probably only be a fraction of what you DH gets now.

Littlejen22 · April 2012

The other parent will assume full custody. A will can show your intentions but will likely be ignored. This is a good reason to have a good relationship with bM especially when "half"siblings are involved bc they might never get to see each other again.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

DH's parents would be able to fight for "grandparents" rights (assuming a decent relationship with SC before the death) as a SM you get nothing. you could take BM back to court and fight (and stand a better chance if there are half siblings involved) but like pp said it would be minimal compared to what dh had before.

DarthNBJenni · April 2012

This is why I've left my pile of life insurance money to my parents. They will have to basically "buy" my children from my ex-husband. I'm not concerned about my son, because I know my husband will do right by my family if anything should happen to me.

PrettyInPearls23 · April 2012

I've talked with my parents about this very thing, and they said they'd fight like hell and spend whatever it takes in legal fees to ensure they get some kind of visitation with DS. They are extremely close to him, and see him 1-2x per week. They would first offer to XH that they take DS during what would've been his parenting time (EOW). No idea if he'd go for it or not, though.

FI has said he'd fight tooth and nail to have some kind of visitation with DS as well, even though he knows it would be a losing battle since he'd only be a step-parent. We're planning on having children, so I would hope a judge would want to encourage DS to have a relationship with his half-siblings.

In the meantime I'll just pray that my life isn't cut short before DS is an adult. It makes me sick to my stomach at the thought of XH being DS's primary parent. He'd be smoking and drinking by the time he was 16....

Rhenna · April 2012

If BF tried telling me that if he dies his (fictional because he doesn't have one) wife or his family will take over and the custody would stay the same I would politely tell him that that is in no way happening. I would never prevent them from seeing DS but I sure as hell am not sharing custody or giving regular visitation like BF has with anyone that isn't the father.

offbeatmama · April 2012

I agree with everyone else. I think your best bet would be to try to come to some sort of agreement with BM but it definitely wouldn't be anything close to the amount of time your H gets now. X and I briefly talked about it. We just said we would do whatever we could to make sure each others families still get to see DS. Our situation is different since both families live far away but we would work with them so they could still see DS. He's not particularly close to either set of grandparents due to distance but it's still important imo. It would likely only be 1-2x/year.

FriskyPanda · April 2012

DH has told BM that if something happens to her, he would allow their stepdad to have visitation, but I don't think there is any legal obligation.

FutureMrsWittig · April 2012

We've worked with both our custody and estate lawyer on this. DH has it in his will that it is in SDs best interest that I maintain his custody rights for "xyz" reasons. Both say it will hold up in court and I'd be able to retain those rights while we fought it out in court as long as it's clear to the judge that it's in SDs best interest. I live in her school district and BM doesn't, they said that would probably be enough.

Luckily BM and I get along. I honestly don't think she'd take her away from me. She may ask for more time though.

Cheerilee · April 2012

This terrifies me, especially since BM is so unstable. DH has sole legal/physical custody but BM still has some visitation rights. She rarely sees him (even when we lived in the same state) and hasn't called to talk to him in over 2 months now. If DH died, we've been told that she'd take over custody unless she signs away rights. Granted, she told us that her lawyer from her CPS issues told her that so who knows what the real story is. I can't imagine her having SS... She's going BACK downhill again and can barely handle herself and her other 2 children. There's no way she'd be able to take on everything that SS requires. It doesn't help that SS wouldn't understand why I wasn't with him anymore... I've essentially been his ONLY mother for 3 years. Scary and sad

That being said, if DH and I divorced and he remarried, I'd allow DD to still see her SM if they had a relationship. She'd be a parental figure and it would be awful for her to lose not only her father, but her stepmother.

juliettodd · April 2012

I was fortunate enough to be able to adopt my SKs. What would happen if DH passed was one of the main reasons I did this. All PPs are right. SMs & SDs have zero rights if the bio parent dies. Our boys have recently started up a relationship with BM again. I sincerely hope it turns out positively. However, if it ends badly, there is security in knowing she can't do anything to mess with us legally. On the other side, I can honestly say if DH passed, I would continue to be supportive of BMs visitation with kids. It is in their best interest. It is too bad the BM in your case is not willing. It is sad when people can't work together in the best interest of the kids.

honeybee #1 · April 2012

As PP's have said, it can be left in a will that the kids be left with you which can (and probably would) be contested, but it would at least be factored in. There may be some way of giving you guardianship now that would be useful in that event.

The grandparents would be able to seek grandparents rights as well.

Gwenillian · April 2012

Actually I think it depends a lot on the state you live in. I know in my state any really involved relative - including a step parent - can go to court for visitation rights. However, on some of the legal boards I've been on in the past there were numerous lawyers (some GAL's) who stated that in their states only the parents (or adopted parents) had any rights at all. Maybe try to find out more about what the law is in your specific area?

angelame1979 · April 2012

DH has custody of SD. She is 14 now but if something happens to him we did put in his will that he wishes for her to stay with me and continue to go to school where to goes etc. etc. I honestly think SD if she had to choose, she would choose this too. However, if this does not happen, I did request that I be granted visitiation EOW etc. etc. I have an almost 2 year old that needs that relationship with her sister so it's important that the contact remain for all parties involved. Get a will and put it in there. A judge would defenitely want to respect his wishes or try to resonably and I honestly don't think any judge out there would deny family visitiation. It's important to the child.

BagelGirl · April 2012

You should have something in your will regarding who would care for your children if something happened to you. It may not always be followed to a tee, but it will weigh heavily and is documented evidence of your wishes.

If you have children, you need a will.

sabrina69barnes · April 2012

hterry85:
DH could put it in his will that those are his wishes, but even still, I think you, his parents, etc would have to go to court to establish your own visitation schedule. If you got anything it would probably only be a fraction of what you DH gets now.

This. Before DH adopted DS1 I asked our lawyer what would happen if something happend to me. She said BF would get full custody and DH could fight for visitation. She did say it would probably be granted since DS had been living with DH so much and because there were other siblings involved. She said a judge would probably rule that it was in DS's best interest to still have a relationship with DH and DS2 but he wouldn't see them much at all. She said it's usually an afternoon or two a month.

RHitch · April 2012

I am actually living this right now! My sister passed away and had 3 children by 2 different guys. Unfortunately, she separated from her youngest son's father 2 years ago, so she was not with either one of them the day she died. According to the state of Ohio, the state is the guardian of her children. Although paternity was established with the oldest two boys (she needed this in order to get a CS order), she was considered their sole guardian. After she passed away, guardianship was automatically transferred to the state because she did not have a will and is not here to speak on their behalf. Now we have to go to court to determine who will receive custody. Thankfully both fathers were willing to sign them over to me without a fight, because we do not want to split her children up. Our court date is this thursday, April 26th, but in the meantime, all three are living with me and going to school from my home. I will let you know what happens after court on Thursday.

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