Losing my mom confidence (long)

whitney1170 · April 2012

I don't really know where to start, I'm very jumbled right now...but I'll try.

I'm kind of AP. AP-ish, lite, I dunno. I didn't set out to be that way, in fact I thought it was a silly way to parent until DD came along. Now, it's just what I'm comfortable with, and to be honest it's what she seems like she needs. I EBF, babywear, pick her up when she cries (oh for shame!), don't like CIO, part-time co-sleep, etc.

Now, I'm starting to second guess everything (except the EBF part). Everyone keeps telling me I'm "ruining" her in some form. That she'll always be needy and whiny and never ever sleep. She is terrible at playing independently. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that MIL lets her do A LOT of that while I'm at work, so of course when I'm home, DD wants me there. She never sleeps, Ever. No good naps, up every hour or two at night. She's never been a good sleeper.

I feel like I'm doing the best I can for her, and that I'm doing what's right. I know she's at the age where she'll test me, get into stuff she's not supposed to, see what she can get away with. I always thought I would be able to handle this stage fairly well, but I'm not. I'm not consistent in the things I let her do or say she can or can't do, because I hate when she's upset or cries. I'm a big fat sucker! And I think a lot of it is pressure from family and DH to be more tough, let her cry, blah blah blah.

This might be the only baby I have. I wanted a lot, but didn't plan on a rough pregnancy with every consecutive one being just as bad. I want her to be my baby as long as I can! Do I listen to everyone, or keep doing what I feel is right? I know they have our best interests at heart, but they aren't her mom.

Thanks for listening. Since I'm a big pushover, I'll probably give you all a bunch of cookies before bedtime Stick out tongue

EmSue412 · April 2012

LindsRockies:
whitney1170:

I feel like I'm doing the best I can for her, and that I'm doing what's right. I know she's at the age where she'll test me, get into stuff she's not supposed to, see what she can get away with. I always thought I would be able to handle this stage fairly well, but I'm not. I'm not consistent in the things I let her do or say she can or can't do, because I hate when she's upset or cries. I'm a big fat sucker! And I think a lot of it is pressure from family and DH to be more tough, let her cry, blah blah blah.

I think you have your answer right there. Motherhood is a journey and learning experience for all of us. Someone told me once, "if you need a lesson in humility, become a parent." Truer words were never spoken. At least in my situation.

Go with your heart and your gut. You know your child better than the peanut gallery with their advice.

Best of luck to you whit!

This... all of this. You are the mother, and only you can decide what's best for you daughter. They aren't going to be this young forever. This too shall pass. I am sure you are doing an amazing job! Be confident in your mommy abilities.

whitney1170 · April 2012

Crash Into Me:

STOP LISTENING TO THEM! I went through the same thing about a month ago. Everyone has been telling me how to get DD to sleep better/take bottles/whatever. I've had enough. DD's sitter was trying to tell me that I need to give DD bottles at home instead of BF'ing her because she needed the practice. Um, hi, DD is almost 8 months old, there's no more "practicing" with the bottle. The pedi told me at 6 months to start weaning from the bottle because it just wasn't working.

As if I'm going to waste time pumping, washing, and setting up a bottle for DD in the precious bit of time I have with her between when we get home and when she goes to bed. I went back to the sitter the next day with one less bottle in the bag and told her that it is what it is. Whatever she drinks is fine. DD weighs over 20 pounds, she's clearly not starving, and she'll make up for it overnight.

The bottle issue leads into the sleeping issue. Since DD doesn't eat during the day, she makes up for it at night. Since she hates bottles, it's not really an option to "make" her eat more during the day. Kid has to eat sometime, right? DD has always gone to sleep initially without a problem.

The handful of times we have let her CIO, she gets so worked up that it takes another 30-60 minutes to calm her down and get her back to sleep. So.not.worth.it at 3:00 am. Now, I put her to bed at 8:00 like always. We have a full bedtime routine that is repeated every single night. DH tends to DD if she wakes before we go to bed. Any time after that, I tend to her. If it's starting to be a rough night, I take her into the guest room and we bed share. You know what? The rest of the night ends up being fine. Is she playing me? Is it separation anxiety? Is it teething? Is she really hungry? I don't know, I don't care. She needs to sleep, I need to sleep, DH needs to sleep.

So yeah, that got really long. I guess I'm not as over it as I thought I was! But, you aren't alone.

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I needed that

S-Tuna · April 2012

Take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I'm doing a good job."

Some of the best advice I've heard is that as long as its working for you, there is no need to change it. Other than comments from your family, are you bothered by your daily habits/routine with your DD? If not, then keep on keeping on. If so, then work on changing it. I respond to comments about my parenting decisions with, "We've got a good thing going here. Why mess that up?" As long as you and DH are on the same page, who cares what they think? She is your DD, and it's highly unlikely that carrying her around is going to harm her. If you get tired of carrying her around, then ayou'll have to work on changing it. Until then, do your thing. It might be a wca couple of weeks, but you will be motivated to change instead of feeling forced to change, KWIM.

This patenting thing is hard, but you can totally do this.

whitney1170 · April 2012

S-Tuna:

Other than comments from your family, are you bothered by your daily habits/routine with your DD?

As long as you and DH are on the same page, who cares what they think?

1. I'm not really bothered by our routine, it's frustrating that I can't put her down, and that she doesn't sleep, but I kind of understand it. I'm gone most of the day, and she wants me around. She's been like that even before "separation anxiety'' kicked in, now it's just amplified a little. I guess I don't want to change because I get it. I don't see it lasting forever.

2. Here lies some of the problem. He parents basically the same way I do, but only because I think he feels like he has to. He wants to listen to other people's advice and change things. But then again, he sleeps 8+ hours a night and I do most of the work (not because he's lazy, because he works a lot). I think he thinks doing it other people's way would be easier on me but it's not how I want to do things. So we're not exactly on the same page.

eesome · April 2012

No one ever said parenting was easy...no matter which path you choose to take. We are all learning and trying things out our own way, and whether someone believes in what you do or doesn't, all that matters is you are caring for your child the best way you can.

Maybe try switching things up a bit, and see what happens? It never hurts to try. I would also have a discussion with your MIL and make sure your DD is receiving the same treatment at both homes.

((((hugs))) You are doing great. Don't ever think you are failing...you have a healthy, beautiful child.

mgarza1231 · April 2012

I've been there too, everyone has an opinion on how we should parent. Stop second-guessing yourself, you are doing a great job! You are doing what you feel is best for your baby and that's great!

amywalt1684 · April 2012

I always say that you need to do what works best for you and your family. If it feels right then keep it up! If you feel like you might be able to try "something new" in your routine, then try it. If you don't like a new routine or method and aren't comfortable then don't stick with it. You are doing a great job and a great Mommy (your LO has made that obvious!)

Duffgurl · April 2012

Remember everyone will always have an opinion. I honestly think you are a great mom and don't let others make you question that. Like everyone else has said go with what you feel is right. This your baby and you should be able to parent her as you see fit. I think we all can say we give into our LO's....Is there something wrong with that? No I don?t think so.

So I say keep parenting the way you see fit Smile

whitney1170 · April 2012

Crash Into Me:
whitney1170:
S-Tuna:

My DH sounds similar to yours in the fact that he gets to sleep all night. Not only that, but he's a very sound sleeper and it takes a lot to wake him up. He never really hears DD crying/screaming over the monitor and he certainly doesn't know just how long I am up every night, minute-wise. He probably thinks you get up for a few minutes to feed LO and then fall right back to sleep. With me, I know I lay there for a minute trying to wake up enough to climb the stairs, then it takes 10-15 minutes to feed DD, then I have to pee, get a drink, lay back down, get comfy, fall asleep and it all adds up to 30-45 minutes of sleep that I have just lost. If we bedshare, I'm up for maybe 10 minutes total, most likely less than that.

HA this is my DH exactly (and me!) He sleeps so soundly, the other day he says "Wow you got some sleep last night, huh?" I almost nut-punched him. Then a few days later he says "You know, when you're up, I'm up just as much". I don't know why he's still alive. I guess he thought that was supportive? Lol.

S-Tuna · April 2012

whitney1170:
S-Tuna:
As long as you and DH are on the same page, who cares what they think?
2. Here lies some of the problem. He parents basically the same way I do, but only because I think he feels like he has to. He wants to listen to other people's advice and change things. But then again, he sleeps 8+ hours a night and I do most of the work (not because he's lazy, because he works a lot). I think he thinks doing it other people's way would be easier on me but it's not how I want to do things. So we're not exactly on the same page.

Starting here might help. Can you guys talk about it? Have you tried telling him that what you are doing wors for you? Any way he could get up with you every time she's up for a night (and stay up)? That way he can really experience what it's like and where you are coming from. I don't know, I'm just pulling at straws here.

At any rate, you are an excellent mama.

NotSharknado · April 2012

I am in a very similar situation. I do SAH so I really have no explanation as to why DD is so "needy". What I do know is she needs me. So if me holding her, playing with her and snuggling with her is what she needs than I will meet her needs. A friend always says you have to put her down and just let her cry and I tell her that I see no need to. However if I'm in the middle of something and I know she's okay for a minute I will let her fuss until I'm done. I do believe they need to learn to cope to a certain extent. It is frustrating when she doesn't nap well. As I type, DD just woke from a 7min nap. It's aggravating but I will live. Everybody tells me it's my fault why she's the way she is and I could give two sh!ts what they think. As long as you feel you're doing what's best for your DD that's all that matters really.

NotSharknado · April 2012

I am in a very similar situation. I do SAH so I really have no explanation as to why DD is so "needy". What I do know is she needs me. So if me holding her, playing with her and snuggling with her is what she needs than I will meet her needs. A friend always says you have to put her down and just let her cry and I tell her that I see no need to. However if I'm in the middle of something and I know she's okay for a minute I will let her fuss until I'm done. I do believe they need to learn to cope to a certain extent. It is frustrating when she doesn't nap well. As I type, DD just woke from a 7min nap. It's aggravating but I will live. Everybody tells me it's my fault why she's the way she is and I could give two sh!ts what they think. As long as you feel you're doing what's best for your DD that's all that matters really.

whitney1170 · April 2012

I just want to thank all of you. You have been so sweet and supportive! It's nice to hear that we're doing good and the "right" thing, even when it doesn't feel like it at the time. Your suggestions and kind words really mean a lot, so thank you!!!

whitney1170 · April 2012

LalaMama81:
Crash Into Me:

STOP LISTENING TO THEM!

We have a full bedtime routine that is repeated every single night. DH tends to DD if she wakes before we go to bed. Any time after that, I tend to her. If it's starting to be a rough night, I take her into the guest room and we bed share. You know what? The rest of the night ends up being fine. Is she playing me? Is it separation anxiety? Is it teething? Is she really hungry? I don't know, I don't care. She needs to sleep, I need to sleep, DH needs to sleep.

All of this, except we don't have a guest room so she comes in w/ us. If you are okay with how things are going (even if you'd like more sleep, wouldn't we all?) then things are 100% fine.

Carrying her, picking her up when she cries, etc. are not going to spoil her or make her whiney. They are securing her attachment to you so that later, she will be more independent b/c she knows you are there for her. Infants aren't really meant to "play independently." Sure, maybe 10 minutes here or there, but the average child doesn't play for an hour on their own when they are 8 months old. If she isn't w/ you during the day, she misses you and even if she'd normally be okay playing for a bit, she won't b/c she wants you. That is hard, I know. It's all hard. Parenting is hard.

That's how I feel too! It's just not widely "accepted", especially with our old-school parents and even some friends, and DH wants to listen to them.

Do you have anything in particular that you've read that I can maybe share with him that explains this? I think it might help him understand better than me just saying "that's how I feel" lol.

And it IS hard, but I don't mind it. Sure I'd like more sleep and to do my hair w/out her crying, but she won't always want me holding her, so I try to enjoy it now. It's just hard when people think you're doing it "wrong".

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha · April 2012

Duffgurl:
Remember everyone will always have an opinion.

No kidding. No matter what you do, someone will judge you for it, so do what YOU feel comfortable with. And remember: there are experts on children, but the only expert on your child is YOU (and your H, of course).

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