Should I/we handle this somehow or just let it go?

sabrina69barnes · April 2012

BM never really gets SD a haircut, maybe once a year at most. I don't have a problem with this. That's about as often as I get my haircut but I like mine long. SD seems to like her hair shorter. I've taken her for haircuts in the past but I've never let her get anything shorter than what BM has taken her to get or a style that is drasticly different.

The last time I took SD was the end of last summer. MIL took her her the past few times because she needed a haircut herself. SD always just had the style she already had trimmed. MIL needed a haircut this weekend and SD had been asking for one so I let MIL take her. SD said she wanted something different so MIL asked me what was ok. I said no shorter than chin length no matter what SD said she wanted. MIL also asked about bangs. I didn't flat out say no but I gave all of the reasons why I didn't think they were a good idea including that BM might be upset.

SD came back with hair about an half inch above her chin and bangs. The haircut is NMS and nothing I would have let SD pick but SD picked it from a book at the salon and it was too late by the time I saw it so I let it go. SD liked it and looking back at pictures I picked plenty of not so great haircuts at her age.

SD went home later that day and BM called DH pissed. Apprently she is worried about SD getting picked on. BM also said that SD said it was my idea. Either BM is making things up or SD is lying to BM. Both are equally likely. DH just told BM that he thinks it was his mom's idea.

I'm kind of annoyed that I'm getting blamed for something I didn't really have a part in. DH said that he was staying out of it because he "doesn't know anything about 8yr old fashion" which I think is BS. I love my MIL but she does have a tendency to overstep sometimes. On this list of things I've needed to confront her about this is minor and I'd rather not bring it up to her.

It's probably silly but I'm feeling really defensive about this. I know BM doesn't like me but I don't want to give her legitimate reasons to not like me. I'm concerned about SD lying to BM either because she thinks it's what BM wants to hear or to avoid getting in trouble. If she gets away with it she may lie about bigger issues later. Should DH or I do anything about this or am I just being silly and we should let it go?

kimmygirl77 · April 2012

I think DH and you should ask SD if she told her mom that the haircut was your idea. If the answer is yes, you both should talk to her about lying. Tell herwhat the consequences will be at you house if she does it again. If the answer is no, then you know that BM is the liar and nothing you can do about that. I think that you need to nip the lying in the bud now. Because when she is a teenager she will play her parents against each other.

emikat · April 2012

kimmygirl77:
I think DH and you should ask SD if she told her mom that the haircut was your idea. If the answer is yes, you both should talk to her about lying. Tell herwhat the consequences will be at you house if she does it again. If the answer is no, then you know that BM is the liar and nothing you can do about that. I think that you need to nip the lying in the bud now. Because when she is a teenager she will play her parents against each other.

Just be careful, she may lie about whether she told BM or not.

Personally, I would let it go. You gave your MIL the go ahead to supervise the cut and it then was left to whatever was going to happen. I wouldn't make a big deal about it and don't worry about taking it personally. SS loves his hair short, BM likes it long so never gets it cut for him. When we have him, we take it to get it cut.

rachi1285 · April 2012

As far as the lying goes, try to find out if SD lied and if so, let her know it's unacceptable. Yes, she might lie about lying, but I guess either way I'd talk to her about it.

As far as MIL, maybe SD begged so much she caved. Maybe the cut turned out shorter than she'd expected. If you really think she outright went against your wishes, you or DH should say something to her. If you're worried she'll get upset with you, use BM getting mad as your reason for saying something.

As far as being blamed for a "bad" cut, it happens. BM never gets SD and SS haircuts either, so it always falls on me. She takes them swimming multiple times during the week and must not wash their hair, because they both have very bad chlorine damage. Last fall before kindergarten we took SD to the salon and asked that they cut out the damage, which resulted in a very cute but short bob. BM flipped out! She told SD that the kids were going to make fun of her because she looked like a boy! SD had been happy with the cut, checking herself out in the mirror and everything; but as soon as BM opened her mouth, SD felt bad about herself. (nice mom!) And the last time I took SS for a cut, the guy totally butchered it, but there was nothing we could do to fix it! But again I looked bad. In my mind though, if BM doesn't take the time to get their hair done herself, she doesn't have the right to complain when I step in and do it for her!

Holly_1007 · April 2012

your SD is like 8 right? I would approach the subject with SD. Say "BM was mad about the haircut and when she was talking with DH about it she mentioned that I made you get the haircut, I'm not sure if she was making this up because she was mad or if this is what you told her. I just want you to know that if you told her this its not okay to lie at all, especially since I wasn't even with you when you got your haircut. I'm sorry BM doesn't like you're haircut, I think it looks very pretty, and it will grow out soon enough and BM won't be mad anymore"

As for the MIL thing, I TOTALLY get it. this is sooooo something my MIL would do. She oversteps all. the. time. I haven't actually flipped out at her. DH knows that she makes me mad, not sure if he has approached the subject with her or not. and honestly, if he has, it hasn't worked. Theres two ways to approach it. store it away for when she does something to hugely piss you off, and then you can pull it as a "on top of that" or you can get mad at her and blame it on the fact that BM got mad at you.

Wahoo · April 2012

Bad haircuts happen. They happen to me all the time! I once had hair down past my shoulders, asked for 1-2 inches off "to make it healthy" and ended up with a bob. Like an idiot, I even tipped the hairdresser. Blah. It was NOT what I asked for!

Whether or not MIL overstepped or not, it is still on DH/you. If this is "the kind of thing MIL would do," then she should be allowed to take SD to get her haircut. Just like if MIL is the kind of person who would allow SD to see an "R" rated movie (if you don't allow that), I wouldn't allow her to take SD to the movies (or shopping for clothes you don't approve of, or whatever). If you feel MIL overstepps, then you need to only have MIL with SD on visits when you/H are around.

I agree with confronting SD about the incident "BM thinks that I am the one who told you to cut your hair, why would she think that? Is that what you told her?"

I would also try to make the most of her haircut. After all, it's only hair. Her hair will grow back, there are only two more months of school, etc. And there are 100 ways an 8 year old can wear their hair - including hairbands, ponytails, clips, etc.

FutureMrsWittig · April 2012

Wahoo:

I agree with confronting SD about the incident "BM thinks that I am the one who told you to cut your hair, why would she think that? Is that what you told her?"

I agree with this.

Try to remind yourself that a bad haircut is not a legitimate reason for BM to dislike you. Could have happened to anyone. Next time you notice her hair needs cut, DH should tell BM to take her since it needs cut and she didn't like it this time. If she doesn't then I think you should take her and leave MIL out of it.

BagelGirl · April 2012

I'd let BM know that you are sorry about the bad cut (because it sounds like you legitametly are sorry), explain that you let MIL take her along to her appointment and supervise the hair cut (which is what happened). Then let it go.

If the haircut is truly bad, and BM is worried SD is going to get made fun of at school, making a big deal out of it is only going to make SD feel even worse.

SD may or may not have lied to her mom about who's idea it was, but I'd take into consideration the reason for the lie. Sounds like she was probably embarassed or maybe felt like BM was upset with her for the bad choice. If she doesn't have a history of lying, I'd probably let that go as well.

Not sure of your relationship with BM, but next time SD wants a haircut, just let her know - SD wants a haircut, do you want to take her or can I (or MIL). If you have permission, it makes this a little less awkward.

I feel bad for your SD - the bigger fuss everyone makes of this, the worse she has got to be feeling about it.

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