Speaking up or keeping mum when AP topics arise?

mintea · April 2012

How do you handle sharing, or not sharing, your parenting perspective?

I am finding the opportunities to discuss my perspective keep coming up and I am not sure which ones to bother speaking up about and which to just nod and keep quiet over. My plan had been to speak up when people were doling out unsolicited advice to me or if they were asking me for advice. And I planned to keep quiet if they weren't doing either. But, we had a family gathering this weekend and here are some examples from the past couple of days alone that have me questioning it:

1. Childless BIL telling me I should start LO on the "Your Baby Can Read" program ASAP. I told him that it has no scientific evidence backing it and is subject to class action lawsuits for false advertising. I could have said much more of my views on using TV to educate children. Still, that one comment I made went over like a lead baloon-- BIL sort of snapped "Well I think it worked for <insert DD's cousin's name>" and I think I genuinely offended him. I sort of wish I had just kept quiet on this one because it was such a benign and casual recommendation from him.

2. Other BIL (a father), FIL, and MIL talking disapprovingly about parents who don't spank their LOs. They weren't talking to me but I was the only other person in the room. They said how those parents are reponsible if their LO runs out in front of a car because they didn't ever teach discipline. How there is no other way to really get through to a young child because you can't reason with them. I kept quiet but then BIL told the story of the first spanking of their not even 2yo LO who was fussing on a long car trip. He said he had to keep spanking her repeatedly because she wasn't calming down, but then at some point after one of the spankings she realized she could behave and she stopped whining. At that I had to leave the room because I had no idea what to even do. I am still fuming and dreaming up everything I could have said. But I don't know what good speaking up would have done during their agree-fest.

So... how do you handle sharing your views? Do you bother trying to "educate" people about why you make your choices? Do you speak up when you're not asked?

TiffanyBerry · April 2012

I remember feeling much like you when DD was younger. I think it amounts to a "first time mom mistake" really, now that I look back on it.

See, in neither case, neither one was asking your opinion, and in the first, you basically said "well, that's a stupid thing to suggest".

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely agree with you. And I would absolutely have been thinking that in the back of my head. But he probably equally strongly believes in it, and ... well... it's a lot like politics these days, it's all egg shells and assumed personal attacks.

I'm not saying you have to keep your mouth shut, but I would suggest finding a more appropriate way of talking about it. After all, these are your CHOICES not universal right/wrong answers. For instance, in the first situation a simple "we are choosing not to introduce LO to TV for a long time." If you *have* to go into it, and chances are, you do not have to go into it, adding "there's research-backed evidence regarding how screen time affects cognitive development. but mostly, this is our choice about what sorts of things he's going to be exposed to right now," is plenty. Because, at the heart of it, you're just talking about personal decisions. If they are really trying to get into it, then you've got more space to talk about *that* particular case ("I know you mean well, but that particular program has evidence that it does not work and there's even legal action against their claims. maybe you've seen good things, but we're choosing not to go there.") but in most conversations, they have to be practically begging you for a fight to go that far.

The second case is harder. Because I read that, and I would categorize that as physical abuse. Well, emotional abuse too. But you weren't asked your opinion. I probably would have actually been more vocal in that case - mouth agape, staring, followed by "seriously, if you think that repeatedly smacking your daughter daughter taught her anything but to be afraid of you... well, I'm not going to listen to these sorts of stories of abuse" as I walked out. Well, I would if the scene went the way I imagined it going from reading your story and I was feeling ballsy.

Anyway, when it comes down to it, regardless of the research you read, the facts you think you know, at the end of the day, you don't know the other person's situation and life. You aren't in their shoes, even if it seems like it, because you - and your kid(s) and family - are different.

For instance, I can't imagine not even trying to cosleep. And I really can't imagine forcing your kid to wean at 12 months, or earlier! But I'm not the mom or the kid in the situation. I'm not the one going back to work at 6 weeks. I'm not the one getting pressure from friends/family/job situations. The best I can do is be very confident in why I make the choices I make, share those reasons as gently as possible when I'm asked for them, and give everyone else the space to make decisions as best they can.

Sure, there are some exceptions - like abuse. But for the most part, you aren't going to change people's ways. And - if my experience is anything - if you're trying to hawk AP ways to very non-AP people, they're just going to think you're an uppity hippy-dippy-granola mom. (A title I'm perfectly happy to wear, and it can make a good ice-breaker joke, in a pinch. )

It's a learned skill - sharing APness and other non-mainstream culture-breaking approaches. It's hard. I'm still learning it. There are times when we say too much, times when we say too little. But over time, you'll learn your style for how much (and how) you want to talk about it.

rosiemomma · April 2012

mintea:
BIL told the story of the first spanking of their not even 2yo LO who was fussing on a long car trip. He said he had to keep spanking her repeatedly because she wasn't calming down, but then at some point after one of the spankings she realized she could behave and she stopped whining. At that I had to leave the room because I had no idea what to even do. I am still fuming and dreaming up everything I could have said. But I don't know what good speaking up would have done during their agree-fest.

Oh that is awful! Abuse your kid much? Ugh I would have simply said "I can't listen to this it is horrible!"

redheadinlove · April 2012

I keep my mouth shut unless I know they're on my side. Fiance is more inclined to tell people to shove it. I pick my battles. No one wants to be educated, they want to be right.

honkytonk_kid · April 2012

It really depends on the crowd and the topic. Some things are just not worth arguing over if it's not going to make a difference and will just create an argument. My MIL told me about Your Baby Can Read as well- I just engaged her in conversation about it, then said something vague like, "Oh, we're not really planning on TV with LO," when she suggested we get it. I'm sure you didn't mean to be, but can you see how your comment might have come across as antagonistic to someone who made a different choice than you? On the other hand, if a soon to be parent had asked for your opinion on if they should try Your Baby Can Read, your response might have been much more helpful and well received. Just different scenarios, kwim?

There are other topics that this applies to as well- why I still wear LO, why we're still nursing, why we haven't sleep trained, why we co-sleep, why we limit "no," etc. If it seems like the conversation is a friendly one, and I can contribute my opinion without a confrontation, I'll do it. If I can tell someone already has their mind made up and just wants to argue, I'll leave it at something vague like, "Well, he seems happy/we're fine with it/smile and nod." I'm not interested in winning an argument at the expense of my blood pressure

Spanking is a little bit different for me. I've noticed that people in my life who are pro-spanking are very... insistent. And very sensitive to people who disagree with them. That's fine. There's not a single pro-spanking friend I know that I would call abusive. They can parent as they see fit- it's just not part of my parenting plan. I just won't discuss it, nor will I listen to stories of spanking or the benefits/necessity of it, because it's not going to change my mind. But... if the conversation involves anyone who will eventually feel like they have a place in disciplining LO (my parents, H's parents, grandparents, etc), I will make it very clear that it will not happen. I'll risk offending someone to ensure there is no misunderstanding of our wishes.

So basically, when it comes to sharing my views/educating people vs smiling and nodding, I'm very discerning about my audience and what reaction I might cause.

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