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Natural Birth
blonddnyc
member
vent about DH.... grrrrrrr
blonddnyc
member
homebirth is something i have been researching now for over a year, and we just became pregnant. when i brought up this idea to DH he said absolutely not. for every fact or statistic i could find promoting homebirth he would find some horror story about a breech baby who died in a home birth, or some other anti-home birth statistic. It angers me because he has never researched or looked into any of this and just believes that the "hospital" is the only safe place for birth to happen. he also has no ideas about interventions, episiotimies, c sections rates, pitocin, etc... when i explain all this he says im sure the hospital doesn't just do whatever they want
he finally agreed to a doula but only if i agree to a hospital birth. i said i would pay for the doula myself. i am so angry right now i cant think or do anything else. sorry, i just needed to vent. i feel like my choice is being taken away and i will be forced to compromise. he agreed to watch the business of being born at a later date but he immediately discounts all that stuff as "rebelious, anti-establishment propaganda" i feel like this should be my choice, but i know that comes off as selfish but seriously. im the one whos having the baby here.
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Re: vent about DH.... grrrrrrr
I'm sorry
My DH wasn't supportive of home birth until we had a consultation with the midwife. It's different coming from a professional for him. Plus she has a really calming affect (I loove my midwife lol)
While I think your desires are important, I wouldn't say that it should be entirely your decision because you'll be the one giving birth. It sounds like your DH is trying to protect you and the baby and has some concerns with a homebirth. Rather than just rolling your eyes and showing him statistics, maybe you should ask him to vocalize exactly what it is that he's uncomfortable with and have him speak to a homebirth midwife about those fears. The birth of your child should be a positive experience for him too, and I wouldn't have wanted my DH to be in constant fear leading up to the birth and during it.
Having said all of that, it's illegal for midwives to assist homebirths in my state, so that wasn't an option for us.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I feel you. I remember having that exact same argument with my DH years before we became pregnant. My husband is a very emotional decision maker so studies, etc don't make much difference to him. We compromised on using a home birth midwife who also delivers at the hospital. The hospital we delivered at pretty much get out of the way and let the midwives do their thing. Honestly my birth experience was great. I had a small amount of stuff happen that wouldn't have happened if we were at home. About an hour total of being in bed with monitoring of my contractions, and I consented to 1/2 hour of pitocin. Not the most fun 1/2 hour in the world but I never was once tempted to ask for an epi.
If your DH is like mine he just wan't you and the baby to be safe, and thinks that is more important than your "experience." All he's thinking is that if something happened and it could have been prevented by you being in a hospital he's going to feel responsible for it.
Looking back, I'm glad my husband felt comfortable with our birth. I had a great experience, and if anything I proved to him that birth is natural normal thing. I honestly had such a fast easy labor that now he thinks giving birth is no big deal. I am actually want to revisit the homebirth convo with him because I am not looking forward to being stuck at the hospital away from our DD for 2 days or giving birth in the car. I think he would be more open to the idea now, but if he's not it's not the end of the world.
YOU are the pregnant one, and YOU are the one giving birth, but it is not only your decision. This is not only your baby.
Even if I wanted a homebirth, I know that my husband would never agree to it. I would respect his feelings, and try to come to a compromise. After all that's sort of one of the tricks to having a successful relationship, compromise, oh yeah and rational communication.
Also, did you just bring this up to him now? If so, it's a little unfair to bring something that you've been researching for a year up to him and expect him to just go along with what you want. If this is an ongoing argument, well, maybe you should have sorted this out pre-pregnancy.
Well, the good news is you have plenty of time to bring him around
I would start by setting up appointments with some home birth midwives and have him discuss his concerns with them. If you're meeting with midwives who know what they're doing, they should be able to answer all of his questions and back them up thoroughly.
While I think the mother's opinion is very important when it comes to the birth, I'm not one who thinks that she should have the final say just because. It's your body yes, but it's his baby too. If something *were* to happen at home and the baby died, do you think he'd ever be able to forgive you (even if the same thing would have happened in the hospital??) if he was opposed. I'm just throwing that out there. I had a homebirth with a supportive DH and we both knew and were okay with the risks. I don't know if I could have done it without his support.
Like the previous poster said, luckily you have lots of time! My suggestion is to be open to options. Both of you. Ask him to please be open to at least speaking to a homebirth midwife and watching the movie with you.
And....tell him that while you're preference right now is for a home birth, you will keep an open mind. Make him feel like you are both doing the research together for this.
After doing a ton of research, I was really hoping for a home birth. I brought it up to DH...kind of like "how would you feel about considering a home birth"? He wasn't really on board, but promised that he would consider it and talk to a midwife with me. I was able to get him to watch "The Business of Being Born" and his views are much more in line with mine now. Good luck.
HB is not in the cards for me for various reasons, but DH was also not on board with NB for a very long time until I pointed out the fact that our babies will more than likely be very large (we were both over 10lbs at birth) and epidurals/lithotomy position cause more tearing and long-term vaginal complications than being able to move around and push in whatever position I want.
But I will say that getting him to come around on NB and hiring a doula has taken YEARS. We've been married for 5.5, TTC for roughly 3-4 (I lost count) and he still has his moments where he thinks it would "just be easier" if I got an epidural.
My point is, arm yourself with as much research as possible, and make it a regular conversation. And then flat out tell him that as long as he's uneducated on the subject and not the one pushing the kid out - it's your call and you expect his support.
My DH was (and still is) against HB, mostly because 2 of our friends went through complications after birth. One had her tailbone broken during labor and then the baby was jaundiced, and the other severely hemmoraged after pushing her baby out. I have no idea how either of these situations would have been resolved in a HB situation, if they would have been ok or if they would have had to call an ambulance to transfer mom or baby to the ER or if something worse might have happened. At any rate, it was enough to scare him that we needed to be in a hospital. (And also midwives are not legally allowed to attend HBs in Georgia so it wasn't really an option for us anyway).
However, he is VERY supportive of my desire for a NB and luckily our hospital is very close and also one of the most NB friendly hospitals in Atlanta. So everything worked out for us. My point is, your H may have some very real fears about HB even though I know the outcome is fine most of the time (and may even be better depending on the policies of your hospital). I agree that you need to ask him specifically what he is worried about before getting angry and then both of you can talk to a HB midwife.
4/25/12 ~ Our angel, Persephone James, is here!
As PP said, you've got plenty of time to work through all this. Be patient with him (as hard as that is to do) and try to pose it as a "best thing for all of us" thing instead of just a "you versus him" thing- although it might feel that way.
I think homebirth is a great thing and maybe something I would consider for my second LO, but I know there is ABSOLUTELY no way I could get DH on board for the first one. Just the whole "natural birth" thing in the hospital with a doula has been a hard enough sell for him, but I think he'll see the benefits after we've been through it. Your DH might be in the same boat- you'll just have to decide what's best for you as a family.
Take a deep breath! I know how difficult having this disagreement with DH when you have done so much research and feel so strongly about it, but it will get better. While we were going back and forth and figuring everything out, it was very stressful and I started to develop a lot of anxiety about the birth because we just weren't on the same page, but once we got it all out there and made a plan (hired the doula, went to childbirth class, etc.), I feel really good about our decisions. We've pretty much had to agree to disagree about some aspects of the birth, but he's willing to support me the best he can.
I think this is well put. You will need to find common ground on a thousand parenting decisions in the years ahead, this is one of the first.
I can understand your frustration. I was in a similar position with my DH. We had our first baby in the hospital, with a midwife and a doula, and it was a fine birth. I had always had homebirth in the back of my mind, but DH had previously expressed an "are you crazy? no way" sentiment about it so I didn't pursue it for our first birth since I didn't know what to expect from birth either.
Next time around I was interested in exploring homebirth, and he was initially flat-out against it in principle for safety reasons, even though he didn't know much about it. He became more open after we watched the BOBB documentary. He still had some concerns just about mess and birthing in our personal space (he also works at home and deals with our annoying neighbors, and asked "how would you like to birth at your office with your coworkers peeking in the window?)
After we interviewed some homebirth midwives and he was able to get his specific concerns/questions answered by them, he felt much more comfortable. After that, if it was totally up to him he would have still chosen hospital, but he was willing to plan a homebirth because that's what I strongly preferred. After our son's homebirth, now DH has said that he love it, he would definitely do it again, and wouldn't do it any other way (assuming low risk, of course).
I guess I'm just trying to show that your DH may yet come around. Try not to alienate him at this point by letting your frustration get the better of you. Just let him know you're very excited to share all you've learned so far and to bring him up to speed on the many safe options available.
UPDATE:
Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I spent a good while today talking to my insurance company and realizing that they will absolutly not cover a homebirth sent me on a search for a comparable NB / waterbirth in a hospital setting.
After much searching, i found an out of network MW who is able to deliver waterbirths at a local hospital! However, she is out of network so we are only reimbursed 60% with a $4000 max versus if we go with my current in network MW (who delivers at a hospital with no water birth)
Anyway compromise is happening and my husband said I can have anything I want as long as its in a hospital.. lol