MIL's comments about DD's looks

etoyama · April 2012

Grace is .25 Asian, .75 Caucasian. FIL is Japanese-American and MIL is Caucasian with brown eyes and brown hair. Grace was born looking very "Asian" but now looks only slightly so. Her hair is blonde like mine (blonder than it looks in my siggy pic), her skin is very pale, and she has blue eyes. I think it's a beautiful combo because she has slightly Asian features with light coloring. She's unique and gorgeous and I like that she looks like both DH and me. Well every time we get together, MIL insists that G's "hair is getting darker" and that her eyes are going to turn brown. She acts like its a bad thing that she has my coloring and doesn't look "more Asian". I'm so insulted by this! As a mother, why wouldn't I enjoy sharing physical traits with my daughter? It feels like she's trying to take that away from me. I know it seems like a stupid thing to get upset over, but it feels like she's saying she doesn't want Grace to be like me. And after all I went through to have her, i am very insulted as angered by that. Thank you for letting me vent. I'm sure a lot of you can relate. MILs! Ugh!

LisaBRM · April 2012

Everytime my MIL sees Alana she comments that her hair is getting blonder, like that is truly the most wonderful thing in the world. Every single time. Then she has to look at her eyes and says they are losing some of their blue and becoming more gray like.

It drives me absolutely bonkers. Thank G-d her hair is turning more of the favored blonde to make up for the deficiency in the color of her eyes (sarcasm).

I could not care one little bit what color hair my daughter has or what color her eyes are. Now, I'm probably more sensitive to this because she is from donor egg and, if anything, I wish she would have a couple of my features, but, my mil is so damn hung up on her physical appearance that it makes me angry. In reality, it makes me kind of sad and sick, too. Like, would she be less lovable if her hair was dark?? (thinking about it, she does seem to favor her blonde grandchildren over her raven haired ones...hmmmm........)

Yellow_Daisy · April 2012

Honestly that would bug me too, but I don't think your MIL will get your feelings so this is how I would approach it.

The next time MIL says something about Grace's appearance I would just nicely say, "MIL Grace is beautiful the way she is and when you imply that she is not and needs to change to be more beautiful it concerns me. I don't want her to feel like she is being judged on her looks or to grow up self conscious because her hair ends up being blond and not brown like Grandma wants or her eyes stay blue and don't turn brown like Grandma wants. I know you only want the best for Grace and certainly don't want her to grow up feeling like she disappointed you by looking like herself. That could have a very negative impact on your relationship with her and I would be very sad if that happened just as I know you would be. If you can please stop pointing out things you hope will change about her and love her for who she is that would be great." If after that she continues to do it I would flat out interrupt her in the future and just say that those comments are not appropriate and she should stop. Be firm yet polite. The rudeness is completely on her part, but I wouldn't want my daughter growing up being treated like that.

etoyama · April 2012

Yellow_Daisy:
Honestly that would bug me too, but I don't think your MIL will get your feelings so this is how I would approach it.
The next time MIL says something about Grace's appearance I would just nicely say, "MIL Grace is beautiful the way she is and when you imply that she is not and needs to change to be more beautiful it concerns me. I don't want her to feel like she is being judged on her looks or to grow up self conscious because her hair ends up being blond and not brown like Grandma wants or her eyes stay blue and don't turn brown like Grandma wants. I know you only want the best for Grace and certainly don't want her to grow up feeling like she disappointed you by looking like herself. That could have a very negative impact on your relationship with her and I would be very sad if that happened just as I know you would be. If you can please stop pointing out things you hope will change about her and love her for who she is that would be great." If after that she continues to do it I would flat out interrupt her in the future and just say that those comments are not appropriate and she should stop. Be firm yet polite. The rudeness is completely on her part, but I wouldn't want my daughter growing up being treated like that.

Well-put advice, as always, C! Thank you so much. I hope I can say it as eloquently!

MrsRumpf · April 2012

Grrrr. I agree with YellowDaisy!

I hate that. My MIL does that AND then implies that they boys red hair isn't from my Dad, uncle or all the irish people on my side but must be from her son John-- who is DH's HALF-brother and the red hair most likely came from the Dad's side that isn't even related to DH! What does she think?!?!?!

Is it so horrible that their red hair is from me??? Why she thinks her other son has any part in this is beyond me!!!???

Yellow_Daisy · April 2012

etoyama:
Yellow_Daisy:
Honestly that would bug me too, but I don't think your MIL will get your feelings so this is how I would approach it.
The next time MIL says something about Grace's appearance I would just nicely say, "MIL Grace is beautiful the way she is and when you imply that she is not and needs to change to be more beautiful it concerns me. I don't want her to feel like she is being judged on her looks or to grow up self conscious because her hair ends up being blond and not brown like Grandma wants or her eyes stay blue and don't turn brown like Grandma wants. I know you only want the best for Grace and certainly don't want her to grow up feeling like she disappointed you by looking like herself. That could have a very negative impact on your relationship with her and I would be very sad if that happened just as I know you would be. If you can please stop pointing out things you hope will change about her and love her for who she is that would be great." If after that she continues to do it I would flat out interrupt her in the future and just say that those comments are not appropriate and she should stop. Be firm yet polite. The rudeness is completely on her part, but I wouldn't want my daughter growing up being treated like that.
Well-put advice, as always, C! Thank you so much. I hope I can say it as eloquently!

I think the key here is to not let her know that her digs at you are working. Put it back on her and how it will damage her relationship with Grace and how it will hurt Grace. Even if MIL doesn't care if she hurts you she cares about herself and she cares about Grace. Just don't let her know it hurts you, that only gives her more power to hurt you because she will have figured out how to hurt you most. Gotta love a little psychological warfare and MILs. (((hugs))) sweetie.

desabean · April 2012

My MIL often talks about how G's hair is getting darker and how it will turn brown. She also likes to compare her personality to my SIL who I feel is BSC so it really irritates me.

I don't know why it bothers me, honestly I never expected to have a blond baby--- I am pretty blond, but until I was about 25 was a red head and just identify as a red head. My mom and brother were red heads too but everyone else on both sides of the family has brown hair (though supposedly earlier generations on my side had some blonds) so I thought our two choices were red or brown. But now that she is a blond, I want her to stay that way.

Waiting4baby08 · April 2012

My mom would make comments every time she saw Gwen that her hair was getting lighter. It wasn't, but she acted like the world depended on it. I finally snapped and said "you've been saying that for over a year now and it is as dark as the day she was born" and asked why it was a big deal. She was hoping for blonde because her kids were blonde! I told her to get over it and she hasn't said anything since then. She's already started in about how much lighter Natalie's hair is and that she will be blonde. I guess we will wait to decide how much we love her until we know for sure the hair color!

DrVWife · April 2012

Love C's suggestion! Hang in there...MIL's suck!

dana316 · April 2012

My MIL is always commenting about how I must want Caroline's eyes to turn green like mine instead of staying blue like her Daddy's...since I'm always dressing her in green.

Whatever, MIL. My DH has GORGEOUS blue eyes and so does Caroline...but I couldn't care less what color they are. She's beautiful no matter what.

They also refuse to see that neither one of my kids looks anything like their family...they are the spitting image of my brother and me...but they can't see that at ALL.

esperanza123 · April 2012

I'm sorry to hear your MIL upset you. My DD is 3/8 Asian and 5/8 white. My parents have often commented (but not in a negative way) that she has more of DH's facial features, though her eye shape is more like mine. Personally, I think she's a good mix, but my Dad did comment to me that they did hope to see more of my looks in her. I'm guessing that maybe she just hoped to see more of her son's looks in Grace, not so much as an insult to you? Whatever her problem is, I hope she gets over it soon! Grace is beautiful!

alchris · April 2012

I hear you!

My girls are half Indian. They look just like me. Kira has my color hair and blue eyes, and Elena's hair is a bit darker (but not much) and she also has blue eyes. Kira's skin is my color and Elena's is DH's color. MIL insists that Kira looks like DH. She hasn't seen Elena in a while, but given that Elena does have his color skin, I'm *sure* she'll be talking about it when we go to visit in June. Not that that's a bad thing (I'd take her darker skin ;-)), but, ahem, that's kinda what happens when genes mix, and you never know what you're going to get! The freaky thing is that DH has no recessive blue eyes in his family tree (he's 100% Indian) yet both girls have blue eyes.

Anyway, I try to see her comments as harmless; the fact is that other people make similar comments too, especially about Elena's "darker" (but not by much ;-)) hair. But I do empathize with your feelings! I'm sorry!

kme930 · April 2012

Ugh - I've been there! My MIL always insists that Will has blue eyes just like his uncle (my BIL). REALLY?!? You don't think it's possible that the more reasonable thing to say would be that he has blue eyes just like his mother?! Sorry, she used to say it all the time and it drove me nuts. (Also, BIL doesn't have blue eyes, so I'm guessing she's referring to him maybe having them when he was a baby? Who knows.)

So I get how things MILs say can get under your skin.

It doesn't sound like she is directly saying that she thinks Grace isn't beautiful, but she says enough passive aggressive things to make you feel like she's saying it - is that right? If so, the next time she says her hair is getting darker with a twinge of hopefulness or that it's a shame she doesn't look more Asian, I would simply say "Really? I think Grace is just beautiful the way she is. I think she is the most beautiful baby in the world." Obviously MIL has to agree with that, right? If she doesn't, you can give her a good lecture on the multitude of things that are wrong with her attitude. If she does, then just remind her of it whenever she says stuff along those lines that gets to you. She should learn to temper her comments. One would hope, at least.

emmyloustu · April 2012

dana316:
They also refuse to see that neither one of my kids looks anything like their family...they are the spitting image of my brother and me...but they can't see that at ALL.

This, EXACTLY!!! Though, now my MIL is finally starting to admit that Eliza is a mini me! Lydia does look more like Dh's side, but a lot like my mom, too.

JenCW · April 2012

I get this all.the.time from my hubby's mother, and it drives me NUTS!!! All of my kids (Tessa included even though she's a girl) are the spitting image of him. She can't see anything that might indicate that they are actually my children as well.

Of course you want Grace to share your attributes (both physically and personality wise), she's your daughter. It isn't stupid to be irritated by the fact that your MIL is trying to diminish that.

Realistically, I know it's C's advice you should follow, but wouldn't it be so nice if you could just tell her to back off - that Grace will be beautiful regardless of who she "looks like"!!! (I'd love to do this with my situation too).

susan1017 · April 2012

My DH is Chinses. The Caucasian side comments how Chinese my kids look while the Chinese side think they are white looking. Meanwhile, DD is my MIL incarnate except for lighter coloring and my son resembles my side of the family more. My kids a gorgeous regardless but if I hear one more comment that they are beautiful BECAUSE they are mixed I am going to scream.They are beautiful period.

:-)

Sarafuss · April 2012

MIL makes similar comments about DS eyes and hair. Almost every time we see her she says, "I think his eyes are going to stay blue!" (She says all babies eyes start blue when they are born. I disagree since my BF's daughter had brown eyes from birth and they stayed that way). DH and I both have blue eyes and so does everyone in our immediate families. So I have no idea why she was so fixated on the fact that "his eyes might not stay blue".

She also says that his hair may turn red since I'm Irish. I have brown hair along with my Dad and brothers. No one on my Mom's or Dad's side has red hair. DS has blonde hair (with a slight brown/red tint when the sun hits it). My mom says that all her kids' hair was like that as a baby but our hair is brown now. I can't tell if she wants him to have red hair or not. She just always has to make a comment on his appearance for some reason. She is also notorious for bringing her child's hospital photo to the hospital when her grandchildren are born. She has to show everyone that my niece and nephew look just like SIL or DS looks just like DH! When he looks exactly like I did... Ugh, MIL's!

NicoleeBonsai · April 2012

ugh, sounds like you are describing my MIL! since the day my girls were born, she has constantly compared their features to hers.

joanna has a widow's peak, so do a lot of people - she constantly yammered about how joanna has a widow's peak just like hers.

my girls have blue eyes. i have green eyes, MH has brown eyes - no one we are related to has blue eyes. i think their eyes haven't changed color yet but pedi says MH and i both have the recessive genes for blue eyes so both girls may have gotten them. but MIL insists she has blue eyes (um, yeah, when you wear your colored contacts!) and that my girls have her eyes.

it is SO frustrating. even sneezing - yesterday steph sneezed like 5 times and she said, "oh you sneeze just like papa (GP) and daddy - several times in a row!" give it a break lady, the baby sneezed Huh?

ETA - G is BEAUTIFUL exactly how she is. your MIL is being very rude and i'm sorry you have to deal with that. it's so weird the things people comment on. like why the hell does it matter - she is a beautiful, perfect, healthy child, why do you care so much who she looks like?

mikeandangie · April 2012

She's nuts, your girl is one of the most gorgeous babies I've seen!

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