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Suggestions for change in CO

hterry85hterry85 member
in Blended Families

We're still dealing with the issues of SS last name, but we are scheduling a meeting with lawyers and everyone soon to discuss everything inlcuding changes to the CO. Looking for any suggestions or other things we may want to cover? Our biggest issue has been too many gray areas.

The only thing we really know is that she is agreeing to change the Friday pick up time. It is currently 6pm and we will start picking SS up from school instead. I've already wrote down what if there is an early dismissal or no school? We've asked for an additional week in the summer, (4 instead of 3) and we've asked to have to option to take one stretch of up to two weeks should we take a vacation or something.

She wants to drop at least one of the two week night visits. We're ok with this because between DH work and SS school we can rarely take them anyway. Is there a way we can work in seeing him for dinner if we're in town for school conferences or something? We're 45 minutes away so this wouldn't be often. I guess maybe more if he gets in sports or something?

Things like halloween and birthdays give DH a set number of hours rather than a specific block of time. She wants "more notice" on these. Should we write in one week notice? Two? Leave it up to her to ask for a specific "know by" time?

She's refusing to split the driving 50/50 with the reason that we moved from IA to IL. But she moved farther into IA AFTER we moved to IL. And we're only 10 minutes in. The overall distance is approx the same from when the CO was written. Also at the time DH made more money (than her) and gas was cheaper. Now she is finished with school and has a full time job. The times its hardest to do all the driving is at holidays. But I don't think it would work to ask her to do pick ups only for holidays.

We are also thinking of asking for spring break every other year (probably M-F plus whichever weekend is ours...unless spring break overlaps with easter, then CO time for easter applies over the weekend as it would now anyway) and FROR for anything overnight. I'm not big on this, but right now BM tends to offer time to DH if she's going to be gone, and then plays these games where DH has to do what she says for everything leading up to that time or we can't him. Would we also need to specify that time would NOT count as a part of DHs summer visit?

Whew! I think that covers it for now. TIA ladies!!

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Re: Suggestions for change in CO

  • hterry85hterry85 member
    Specifically: any bartering tips for getting 50/50 driving? This is a big one with the distance, and for the same reason, the one she's going to fight the most.
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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    I would propose a meeting place somewhere between your homes, and frame it as a "transition" period for your SS (time to transition out of being at dad's house and into being at mom's).

    Be specific about what will happen if someone is late for drop-offs/pickups and about what happens should one of you need to change the meeting point (how much notice is required etc...)

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • kimmygirl77kimmygirl77 member
    I wish we did this, but i know a couple families that do the "if it is your time to have your child, then you go and get him." This written into their CO. Meaning you have to do the pick up whenever your custodial time begins. We don't have this so we are stuck.... But luckily it is not that far for us.
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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    My CO has the CP picks up from the NCP and the NCP picks up from the CP jargon in it. I would LOVE if I could get my ex to go by this again. However, years ago when I had a protective order from him, that order had that we would meet at my mom's house so he would never be at my house. Since that expired he still wanted to meet at my mom's which is out to the way for both of us now. In the last few months, I needed to change the Friday pick up time to later so I asked him if he wanted to do the I pick up from his house, he picks up from mine or meet at a mid-point. He opted for a mid-point. As the CP, I would prefer driving the whole way once rather than having to drive both days. So you might give her the option of either of those and then she might feel like with her choice she is somehow winning. We do all the driving for my SKs, which sucks as well, so we are going to a drop off or pick up every Friday and Sunday....

    I really hate FROR clauses. We don't have one in either of our COs, but I can't imagine having one. As kids get older, they want to spend the night away from family with their friends and having one basically means that both parents have to decide if a kid can spend the night somewhere (even when it's not that parent's time) and agree to it which makes it more complicated for little kids who decide on a whim to ask a friend to spend the night. I would almost try to work in extra time somewhere else to make up for the time you may or may not have by getting one.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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  • karatechrissykaratechrissy member
    We had to har our CO changed to whoever is picking up the child drives the whole way (we live closer than you so it wasn't a big deal). BM was always late dropping off by an hr or more. What if you do a half wy point and she is always late (knowing your BM, I wouldn't put it past her. Just another way for her to piss you off and be difficult). I would absolutely insist that whoever's custody he is going to thy person pick up. Once we changed that in ours BM magically showed up closer to on time because then it was cutting into HER time. Rather than her gaining more time with SS because she was cutting into our time. I understand you live further, but I honestly see a lot of problems arising with the half way point with your biotch of a BM. I have more, baby just woke up. I'll come back in a bit. 
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  • hterry85hterry85 member

    Thanks for everything so far ladies! We could try offering her a meeting point, but as some of you brought up, when we have done this in the past (just verbal from time to time) BM was always late..sometimes as much as an hour. Also, if we are just getting the ok to pick him up from school we would only be meeting halfway on the return trip. If she has to get him from us she would only ever have to drive on Sundays and holidays. She works at a bank so she should NEVER have a work conflict. And even if she did we would be fine with her DH coming.

    As I mentioned I'm not big on FROR, but she tends to use it to play games. Maybe word it that if BM/DH is away from home over night...or we would even be willing to go two nights. Her and her DH have taken multiple weekend and weeklong trips without the kids, and every time it ends up if DH does do everything she wants to threatens to send SS to her dads that entire time.

    But these are the kinds of things I'm looking for! What CAN we get, and what's the best way to cover our bases!

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  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member
    imagehterry85:

    Thanks for everything so far ladies! We could try offering her a meeting point, but as some of you brought up, when we have done this in the past (just verbal from time to time) BM was always late..sometimes as much as an hour. Also, if we are just getting the ok to pick him up from school we would only be meeting halfway on the return trip. If she has to get him from us she would only ever have to drive on Sundays and holidays. She works at a bank so she should NEVER have a work conflict. And even if she did we would be fine with her DH coming.

    As I mentioned I'm not big on FROR, but she tends to use it to play games. Maybe word it that if BM/DH is away from home over night...or we would even be willing to go two nights. Her and her DH have taken multiple weekend and weeklong trips without the kids, and every time it ends up if DH does do everything she wants to threatens to send SS to her dads that entire time.

    But these are the kinds of things I'm looking for! What CAN we get, and what's the best way to cover our bases!

    We had this problem too.  So we wrote it in that if she's more than 15 minutes late she forfeits the pick up. If she wants SD she has to come to our house to get her at our convenience.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    Pick up:  The person recieving the child picks up from the house.  Dont stress that its to share the cost, but to allow the child less time in a car if there is any issue with things like traffic.

    *Look, given she has been part of the problem with the last name issue, thus going against a legally binding court order...she has NO leg to stand on when it comes to driving. 

    Holidays: Go to alternating holidays, to include spring break.  It really and truly makes life easier in the end.  One year you get Thanksgiving and Easter/spring break and the next year you get the full Christmas Break.  Then ask to split the Summer Break.

    I think specifying which holidays (alternating of course) go with which years, ie BM gets Tday and Easter and first half of the summer break on Odd Years, you get Christmas and Memorial

    Times: Be very clear on the drop-off and pick-up times, but give an hour leeway for traffic.  This actually protects you. 

    Phone calls:  Specify that SS is available to speak to DH or BM at a specific time during the day, say 6:30-7:00.  Specify that if the child is not available due to normal life circumstances, that the custodaial parent at the time or he will return the call by 9:00 the next morning.  And that there cannot be more than 24 hours without contact unless previousl notified (ie kid goes to away camp) and agreed upon.

    Extra-cirricular activities: have something included that NEITHER parent can sign child up for an activity on the other parent's visitation time without prior consent.  Same goes with payment.  Do this now. 

    Unlike others here, I do not believe that extra cirriculars get to trump or inconvenience the family time.  You DO NOT NEED to be on a soccer team or take dance.  Given there are millions upon millions of people out there who succeed in life without these things (I graduated from college, became a leading subject matter expert in my field and testified before Congress all without playing soccer) things, its not the be all end all some are making it out to be.

    But being able to spend time with their other parent, especailly one who does not live in the immediate area, IS.  Especially when that parent IS proactive. 

    Money: shore up any monetary strings.  Be very clear who pays how much for what.  Be sure that there are NO legal loop holes that force you to pay for college (yes, I believe that NCP should not drop a child's monetary support at 18 or graduation...but I also DO NOT BELIEVE that any parent is LEGALLY REQUIRED to pay for college).

     

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