I'm really trying to be a good SM, but this is so frustrating!!!

Holly_1007 · April 2012

In the fall BM signed SD (5) up for 'soccer' and we took her on our weekends. BM showed up, completely ran the show, acted like we weren't there. half the time it was too cold for DS and Me so DH would bring SD. He left at 8am and didn't come back until noon. SD barely enjoyed herself. DH told BM that he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue doing soccer the next season, it was extremely time consuming and we hardly got any family time on the weekends SD did this. plus it wasn't even like it was "daddy and SD" time since BM showed up and DH couldn't get a word in edgewise. (fwiw SD already does gymnastics twice a week, so its not like this is her only activity)

A few months ago BM texted DH and said she signed SD up for soccer in the spring, again it would be on saturdays for 8 consecutive weeks. DH told her that he didn't consent to that and she cannot dictate what he does with SD on his visitation (which is true)

At SD's parent teacher conference today BM decided to tell DH that SD starts her soccer this weekend. (we have her EOWE). So we have 3 days heads up? DH has a group of friends that he goes shooting with once a month, that happens to be this saturday. He is the one that organizes it for the most part.

He says he's going to skip it this week so he can bring SD to soccer but I can tell he really doesn't want to, and honestly he DIDN'T consent to it, and we have 3 days heads up? I feel like he shouldn't have to bring her, but on the other side of the coin I KNOW its in SD's best interest to get to go, as much as a huge inconvenience it is to us. I was fine with being alone with SD at home for the morning while DH did his thing but theres no way I'm dragging me and DS out to east @ss at 8am on saturday morning.

I'm sure this is highly flameable, as are most of my posts because I'm not a picture perfect stepmom. I do the best I can and I try to put SD's best interests first but its hard and its frustrating and I guess I just needed to vent.

FormerlyAK · April 2012

My first question is, if you dh is so concerned with spending the time with his daughter, and he is the main organizer of these shooting trips with his buddies, why did he plan it on a weekend he has his daughter? That makes no sense.

Also, it's 8 weeks ... only 4 of which she is with you. And it seems to be about a 4 hour commitment. Not so big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, right?

Is BM really trying to "run the show" or does she just know the other families involved more and so it appears that she is running the show? I know this was the case with soccer and my ex for a while. He decided to step up his game this season and assist with coaching -- both on my weekends and on his weekends. So we were both at every game and no one was more prominent that the other.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

FormerlyAK:

My first question is, if you dh is so concerned with spending the time with his daughter, and he is the main organizer of these shooting trips with his buddies, why did he plan it on a weekend he has his daughter? That makes no sense.

he has to work around everyones schedules. for him to go shooting he is gone from 9-11, not the entire day, sorry I wasn't clear about that.

Also, it's 8 weeks ... only 4 of which she is with you. And it seems to be about a 4 hour commitment. Not so big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, right?

thats what I'm trying to tell myself. but then if he doesn't go on the other weekends it makes it look like he only cares when he is "obligated" to bring her (which in reality is never, but he's more obligated when we actually have her)

Is BM really trying to "run the show" or does she just know the other families involved more and so it appears that she is running the show? I know this was the case with soccer and my ex for a while. He decided to step up his game this season and assist with coaching -- both on my weekends and on his weekends. So we were both at every game and no one was more prominent that the other.

since SD is 5, she doesn't really "get it" she knows to chase the ball and kick it towards the goal, thats about it. they have alot of players so they sub out often. BM sits directly behind where the kids are supposed to sit on the sideline and when SD goes to sit with her team BM calls her over and tells her to sit in her lap. how is dh supposed to have any sort of interaction with her when she's in her mothers lap? not to mention that she SHOULD be sitting with the team. BM doesn't know any of the other parents and neither does DH. everytime SD trips or stumbles or falls BM rushes into the middle of the field (she's the only parent that does this, but she tries to make it look like she cares more than DH, when in reality he's giving SD her space). Everytime we bring SD she calls SD off the field when she gets there and eitehr reties her shoes, redoes her hair, tells her to use a different ball etc. its very distracting.

DorisWE · April 2012

*lurker in*

1. It's 8 weeks. Seriously, it's just 8 weeks, so that only impacts 4 of your Saturdays with you. When your LOs get older you and H will spend waaayyyy more time shuttling to/from stuff. That's what we do as parents.

2. I agree with PP that asked why he scheduled his thing on his weekend with SD if his time with her is so important?

3. Soccer sucks...and having to hang out on the field watching the kids isn't fun for anyone, but it's what you do as a parent. You support your kid in whatever thing they're in at that moment. It's not going to be daddy/daughter time, but she will remember that he was there for her, cheering her on. It's 4 hours out of one weekend. That leaves lots of time for "family" time.

4. I don't know how old your DS is, but why can't you take him to the soccer field? Bring a bunch of toys/books/snacks/whatever. Again, it's what parents do.

5. Would you be having this same reaction if it was your LO?

And FWIW, my DS is in soccer (I hate it, but whatever) and I go to his games every weekend, regardless of which house he's at. And his dad comes to every game also. We both take time out of our schedules to support our DS. A lot of the times that DS is with XH for his weekend, I'll just get a "hi, mom" and a hug when the game is over. That's it...and you know what, that's okay with me because he knew I was there watching him.

*lurker out*

greendaisy3 · April 2012

It's crazy frustrating to have someone else plan your parenting time for you. I am sorry. I think it would be different, and you would feel differently about it, if SD totally loved playing. Or if BM had not totally disregarded your H's opinion about it. If she truly disagreed with him about it, more than three days notice would have been nice if you were responsible for getting SD there. It's just common courtesy.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

DorisWE:

*lurker in*

1. It's 8 weeks. Seriously, it's just 8 weeks, so that only impacts 4 of your Saturdays with you. When your LOs get older you and H will spend waaayyyy more time shuttling to/from stuff. That's what we do as parents. see above

2. I agree with PP that asked why he scheduled his thing on his weekend with SD if his time with her is so important? see above

3. Soccer sucks...and having to hang out on the field watching the kids isn't fun for anyone, but it's what you do as a parent. You support your kid in whatever thing they're in at that moment. It's not going to be daddy/daughter time, but she will remember that he was there for her, cheering her on. It's 4 hours out of one weekend. That leaves lots of time for "family" time. we don't get SD until 5:30 fri, by the time she gets here its a half hour until bedtime. she gets up first thing sat and is off to soccer. by the time she gets back its ds' naptime, so its 3pm on saturday afternoon before we have time for the 4 of us to do something, we only get her twice a month, that sucks.

4. I don't know how old your DS is, but why can't you take him to the soccer field? Bring a bunch of toys/books/snacks/whatever. Again, it's what parents do.

he's 2 and doesn't understand why SD gets to play with the other kids and he has to sit on the sidelines. plus we live in New england, at 8am in april it is very unlikely that it is above 40degrees.

5. Would you be having this same reaction if it was your LO? DS does an activity on thursday mornings, sometimes DH makes it and sometimes he doesn't. I scheduled it on thursday mornings because that was the day I never have anything planned, so he was sure to be able to make it.

And FWIW, my DS is in soccer (I hate it, but whatever) and I go to his games every weekend, regardless of which house he's at. And his dad comes to every game also. We both take time out of our schedules to support our DS. A lot of the times that DS is with XH for his weekend, I'll just get a "hi, mom" and a hug when the game is over. That's it...and you know what, that's okay with me because he knew I was there watching him.

thats very true, but as it is we don't spend alot of time with SD, for BM to take over our (already limited) time really sucks. I feel so bad for DH when she does this.

*lurker out*

FormerlyAK · April 2012

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well).

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him.

FormerlyAK · April 2012

And you aren't a suck step mom. You obviously care about sd and dh and their relationship. I think something that everyone in this situation needs to be mindful of is that ultimately, the birth parents need to parent if they are both involved (as they are in your situation). The step parents need to follow their lead.

DorisWE · April 2012

FormerlyAK:

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well).

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him.

This...all of this!

Also, family time is what you make of it. Family time can be riding in the car, watching TV together, watching someone play a sport, etc. I also don't get why you, H and SD can't do fun stuff while LO is napping?

I'm not trying to be snarky, but your complaints really have nothing to do with SD playing soccer, or the time involved, it's about BM. You signed up for this and have the rest of your life to try to deal with her.

I WAS the stepmom and my stepkids were in every sport/activity under the sun. When I was married to their dad, we often pushed back our plans to attend these things because we wanted to be there for his kids. Did it make me batty sometimes, absolutely, but it wasn't about me, or XH, or their mom...it was about the kids.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

FormerlyAK:

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well). I get that, its not like this is her only activity, and she actually doesn't really enjoy it that much.

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games. hmm guess you haven't seen some of my other posts, BM has recently had her attorney contact us and tell us we aren't allowed to communicate with BM anymore. she despises me and ds and barely tolerates dh, if she had it her way all 3 of us would be out of sd's life. we go to support SD but stay as far away from BM as possible.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him. I'm trying so hard, to tell myself this, i really and truly am, but it really doesn't make it any easier :-/

Holly_1007 · April 2012

greendaisy3:
It's crazy frustrating to have someone else plan your parenting time for you. I am sorry. I think it would be different, and you would feel differently about it, if SD totally loved playing. Or if BM had not totally disregarded your H's opinion about it. If she truly disagreed with him about it, more than three days notice would have been nice if you were responsible for getting SD there. It's just common courtesy.

wow you worded that so much more nicely than I could have. thanks for the support. just trying to do whats best for SD AND our family at the same time :-/

Ginlyn0 · April 2012

All 3 of my SKs are in sports, we attend every game we can (whether or not they are on our weekend or not) which is most games. Sometimes we occasionally have other obligations, but that is few and far between because the kids are higher priority so unless we have another family member birthday party or what have you we are there. We don't choose what they get signed up for. BM and the kids decide. Sometimes it's hectic and frustrating because we have 5 kids, not 3 like BM and if they lived with us we would space things out a little differently (meaning some would play fall and some spring, ect)

Right now, 2 are in baseball and 1 is in softball. We take them to every game on our weekends. My DS is younger than yours and he attends every game with us. Sure, we would love to be doing other things, but in the end it's about the kids. BM knows the team and other parents more than we do. She actually uses the games as social hour and rarely pays attention to the games because their friends' kids are on the same teams. Can it sometimes be uncomfortable? Sure. Our kids also have completely different rules for how they act as at their siblings games depending on whose weekend it is. We make the kids sit and be courteous and watch their sibling playing while BM lets them run around like wild banshees on her weekends.

Try thinking of it like this, even though you didn't have input on what she was signed up for. If you were her ONLY parents, would you not go to all her games? I'm pretty sure you will attend all of your DC's games. Just keep that in mind.

cole2144 · April 2012

I know how you feel because BM just did the same thing to us. We live 45 minutes from her house and she signed her up 15-20 minutes further than that so she can play with her cousin. So that means SD will spend 2 hours in the car on our Sundays and so does our 18 month old son. It would be really nice if BM ever involved my husband in these decisions. DH asked her last year to if he could put SD in soccer up by us so he could coach her and she flipped out saying she would not make the drive but its fine for us to do it. Believe me I get how you feel and it sucks.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

gin9874:

All 3 of my SKs are in sports, we attend every game we can (whether or not they are on our weekend or not) which is most games. Sometimes we occasionally have other obligations, but that is few and far between because the kids are higher priority so unless we have another family member birthday party or what have you we are there. We don't choose what they get signed up for. BM and the kids decide. Sometimes it's hectic and frustrating because we have 5 kids, not 3 like BM and if they lived with us we would space things out a little differently (meaning some would play fall and some spring, ect)

Right now, 2 are in baseball and 1 is in softball. We take them to every game on our weekends. My DS is younger than yours and he attends every game with us. Sure, we would love to be doing other things, but in the end it's about the kids. BM knows the team and other parents more than we do. She actually uses the games as social hour and rarely pays attention to the games because their friends' kids are on the same teams. Can it sometimes be uncomfortable? Sure. Our kids also have completely different rules for how they act as at their siblings games depending on whose weekend it is. We make the kids sit and be courteous and watch their sibling playing while BM lets them run around like wild banshees on her weekends.

Try thinking of it like this, even though you didn't have input on what she was signed up for. If you were her ONLY parents, would you not go to all her games? I'm pretty sure you will attend all of your DC's games. Just keep that in mind.

I'm trying to look at all sides of it, I REALLY am. we asked SD if she even likes playing soccer and she said "kind of". your kids all chose what they are signed up for, and take turns watching others play. SD doesn't watch DS' activity, why should he have to sit through hers? kwim?

there's two sides to every coin and I'm trying to look at both, I really am. If we were SD's sole parents, yeah we would go. but we wouldn't sign her up for something an hour away, we would spend much more time with her since we would have her full time, and it sure as shiit wouldn't be at 8am in april in new england.

and fwiw, I attend all of my DS' games bc I'm a SAHM, DH doesn't have that luxury,

Holly_1007 · April 2012

cole2144:
I know how you feel because BM just did the same thing to us. We live 45 minutes from her house and she signed her up 15-20 minutes further than that so she can play with her cousin. So that means SD will spend 2 hours in the car on our Sundays and so does our 18 month old son. It would be really nice if BM ever involved my husband in these decisions. DH asked her last year to if he could put SD in soccer up by us so he could coach her and she flipped out saying she would not make the drive but its fine for us to do it. Believe me I get how you feel and it sucks.

I just saw your post on this but haven't commented yet. such a crappy situation to be in.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

DorisWE:
FormerlyAK:

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well).

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him.

This...all of this!

Also, family time is what you make of it. Family time can be riding in the car, watching TV together, watching someone play a sport, etc. I also don't get why you, H and SD can't do fun stuff while LO is napping? sure, like what? we can't leave the house? this is the time that SD and I usually work on her schoolwork, still doesn't give us time to blend as an ENTIRE family.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but your complaints really have nothing to do with SD playing soccer, or the time involved, it's about BM. You signed up for this and have the rest of your life to try to deal with her. yes, very true, i have huge issues with bm, as do most SM/blended families. I'm very well aware i signed up for this, doesn't mean i love it 100% of the time.

I WAS the stepmom and my stepkids were in every sport/activity under the sun. When I was married to their dad, we often pushed back our plans to attend these things because we wanted to be there for his kids. Did it make me batty sometimes, absolutely, but it wasn't about me, or XH, or their mom...it was about the kids. Thats where I'm so torn. I agree we need to do whats best for SD, but SD doesn't even enjoy soccer. In the fall when SD did soccer we re-arranged our entire schedule so that she could play soccer, she went 8 weeks without seeing my parents (they live 3 hours away so we have to make overnight trips, which didn't happen with her playing soccer. she LOVES my parents and told us multiple times she would gladly skip soccer so we could go visit them, of course BM would crap a cow so it didn't happen)

DorisWE · April 2012

holly71087:
gin9874:

All 3 of my SKs are in sports, we attend every game we can (whether or not they are on our weekend or not) which is most games. Sometimes we occasionally have other obligations, but that is few and far between because the kids are higher priority so unless we have another family member birthday party or what have you we are there. We don't choose what they get signed up for. BM and the kids decide. Sometimes it's hectic and frustrating because we have 5 kids, not 3 like BM and if they lived with us we would space things out a little differently (meaning some would play fall and some spring, ect)

Right now, 2 are in baseball and 1 is in softball. We take them to every game on our weekends. My DS is younger than yours and he attends every game with us. Sure, we would love to be doing other things, but in the end it's about the kids. BM knows the team and other parents more than we do. She actually uses the games as social hour and rarely pays attention to the games because their friends' kids are on the same teams. Can it sometimes be uncomfortable? Sure. Our kids also have completely different rules for how they act as at their siblings games depending on whose weekend it is. We make the kids sit and be courteous and watch their sibling playing while BM lets them run around like wild banshees on her weekends.

Try thinking of it like this, even though you didn't have input on what she was signed up for. If you were her ONLY parents, would you not go to all her games? I'm pretty sure you will attend all of your DC's games. Just keep that in mind.

I'm trying to look at all sides of it, I REALLY am. we asked SD if she even likes playing soccer and she said "kind of". your kids all chose what they are signed up for, and take turns watching others play. SD doesn't watch DS' activity, why should he have to sit through hers? kwim?

there's two sides to every coin and I'm trying to look at both, I really am. If we were SD's sole parents, yeah we would go. but we wouldn't sign her up for something an hour away, we would spend much more time with her since we would have her full time, and it sure as shiit wouldn't be at 8am in april in new england.

and fwiw, I attend all of my DS' games bc I'm a SAHM, DH doesn't have that luxury,

Kids "kind of" like everything. They're kids, they don't know what they like or what they're good at. That's why they should try a variety of activities. My DS likes soccer because he gets to hang out with his friends, that's about it. He liked basketball because he got new shoes. He's told me he wants to try gymnastics, hockey, karate and pagents....and I will support him in whatever adventure he takes next.

As for your LO not attending SD's stuff, I think that's a crappy attitude. When your new LO arrives, will that rule still apply? I think not, because you will have no option but to take them both to places.

Also, I live in Wisconsin and I will be sitting at the soccer fields in the frigid cold next weekend, so I get it...it's a pain.

I stand by this isn't a SD activity issue, it's a BM annoys you issue.

Ginlyn0 · April 2012

You are wrong about all of our kids taking turns. Obviously my DS in not even 2 yet and he sits through their games and they don't sit through his because he doesn't have any. Also, my DD sits through their games and she is in band and her concerts are during the week on Tuesdays 2x a year and we don't have my SKs then.

I get that it sucks that you didn't get a choice in signing her up. We don't either. Also my DD is starting tennis next year through the school and I had ZERO choice in it and I'm sure all the events won't be local.

I don't see what being a SAHM has anything to do with this? I mean I work full time and go to school full time and still make games....You mentioned your DH was wanting to go do a fun activity for himself instead not that he was going to work that day.

I'm just trying to get you to look at this as this is your DH's kid and if he had that kid full time you wouldn't even be asking this and as the kids get older there will be less you can control over activities anyway.

DorisWE · April 2012

holly71087:
DorisWE:
FormerlyAK:

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well).

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him.

This...all of this!

Also, family time is what you make of it. Family time can be riding in the car, watching TV together, watching someone play a sport, etc. I also don't get why you, H and SD can't do fun stuff while LO is napping? sure, like what? we can't leave the house? this is the time that SD and I usually work on her schoolwork, still doesn't give us time to blend as an ENTIRE family.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but your complaints really have nothing to do with SD playing soccer, or the time involved, it's about BM. You signed up for this and have the rest of your life to try to deal with her. yes, very true, i have huge issues with bm, as do most SM/blended families. I'm very well aware i signed up for this, doesn't mean i love it 100% of the time.

I WAS the stepmom and my stepkids were in every sport/activity under the sun. When I was married to their dad, we often pushed back our plans to attend these things because we wanted to be there for his kids. Did it make me batty sometimes, absolutely, but it wasn't about me, or XH, or their mom...it was about the kids. Thats where I'm so torn. I agree we need to do whats best for SD, but SD doesn't even enjoy soccer. In the fall when SD did soccer we re-arranged our entire schedule so that she could play soccer, she went 8 weeks without seeing my parents (they live 3 hours away so we have to make overnight trips, which didn't happen with her playing soccer. she LOVES my parents and told us multiple times she would gladly skip soccer so we could go visit them, of course BM would crap a cow so it didn't happen)

I swear I'm not trying to be a snarky beotch, I swear! I would just hate for my XH's girlfriend to ever feel like this about me or my DS.

As for family time, you guys could play a board game, talk, read stories, draw pictures. And I'm glad you're able to do homework with SD but where is H?

I think blending families is hard, even in the best cases....I was in one and it was very difficult for a lot of reasons. My DS is, no doubt, going to be in one again (since XH has a g/f) and I have decided to try and take the high road for his sake. It sucks more than I can say, but it's in his best interest. There are going to be things we disagree on, but I refuse to have an activity be the hill I die on, kwim?

cole2144 · April 2012

holly71087:
cole2144:
I know how you feel because BM just did the same thing to us. We live 45 minutes from her house and she signed her up 15-20 minutes further than that so she can play with her cousin. So that means SD will spend 2 hours in the car on our Sundays and so does our 18 month old son. It would be really nice if BM ever involved my husband in these decisions. DH asked her last year to if he could put SD in soccer up by us so he could coach her and she flipped out saying she would not make the drive but its fine for us to do it. Believe me I get how you feel and it sucks.

I just saw your post on this but haven't commented yet. such a crappy situation to be in.

Yeah it is and I certainly see your point of view. Sometimes you have plans of your own for your family while you have SC and there is nothing wrong with that. SD has already told us she wants DH to be her coach but he can`t because it`s more important to BM that SC play with her sister`s kid. I hope your situation gets better.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

DorisWE:
holly71087:
DorisWE:
FormerlyAK:

It's not about understanding soccer at 5 ... it's about getting out there, running around, playing with and making new friends, learning to work as a team. You will be surprised how quickly they pick up on the team aspect of it (my ds is 5 as well).

Who says you and dh can't sit behind the team with bm? It's uncomfortable sometimes, but my ex sits with me and my parents at ds' games.

I know it's hard, but it's about supporting the kid and having the kid feel that support. That's what matters at the end of the day. When ex does something that makes me uncomfortable, I try to remind myself that this is about ds and I am there for him.

This...all of this!

Also, family time is what you make of it. Family time can be riding in the car, watching TV together, watching someone play a sport, etc. I also don't get why you, H and SD can't do fun stuff while LO is napping? sure, like what? we can't leave the house? this is the time that SD and I usually work on her schoolwork, still doesn't give us time to blend as an ENTIRE family.

I'm not trying to be snarky, but your complaints really have nothing to do with SD playing soccer, or the time involved, it's about BM. You signed up for this and have the rest of your life to try to deal with her. yes, very true, i have huge issues with bm, as do most SM/blended families. I'm very well aware i signed up for this, doesn't mean i love it 100% of the time.

I WAS the stepmom and my stepkids were in every sport/activity under the sun. When I was married to their dad, we often pushed back our plans to attend these things because we wanted to be there for his kids. Did it make me batty sometimes, absolutely, but it wasn't about me, or XH, or their mom...it was about the kids. Thats where I'm so torn. I agree we need to do whats best for SD, but SD doesn't even enjoy soccer. In the fall when SD did soccer we re-arranged our entire schedule so that she could play soccer, she went 8 weeks without seeing my parents (they live 3 hours away so we have to make overnight trips, which didn't happen with her playing soccer. she LOVES my parents and told us multiple times she would gladly skip soccer so we could go visit them, of course BM would crap a cow so it didn't happen)

I swear I'm not trying to be a snarky beotch, I swear! I would just hate for my XH's girlfriend to ever feel like this about me or my DS.

As for family time, you guys could play a board game, talk, read stories, draw pictures. And I'm glad you're able to do homework with SD but where is H?

I think blending families is hard, even in the best cases....I was in one and it was very difficult for a lot of reasons. My DS is, no doubt, going to be in one again (since XH has a g/f) and I have decided to try and take the high road for his sake. It sucks more than I can say, but it's in his best interest. There are going to be things we disagree on, but I refuse to have an activity be the hill I die on, kwim?

the whole other part of this equation that I haven't even thrown in is that DH works nights on a rotating schedule.(well he has 2 jobs, he works m-f 9-5 as well) most of the nights before her soccer he will work 11pm-7am, then have to bring her to soccer an hour away and not get home until noon. during DS nap I give him the luxury of napping as well since the house is already relatively quiet.

fortunately you can look at this and see the bigger picture for your DS, BM doesn't do this, its always about her and SD with no consideration for any others. I GET that SD needs to come first, I'm not picking a fight about it, just bitching that this sucks.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

gin9874:

You are wrong about all of our kids taking turns. Obviously my DS in not even 2 yet and he sits through their games and they don't sit through his because he doesn't have any. Also, my DD sits through their games and she is in band and her concerts are during the week on Tuesdays 2x a year and we don't have my SKs then.

I get that it sucks that you didn't get a choice in signing her up. We don't either. Also my DD is starting tennis next year though the school and I had ZERO choice in it and I'm sure all the events won't be local.

I don't see what being a SAHM has anything to do with this? I mean I work full time and go to school full time and still make games....You mentioned your DH was wanting to go do a fun activity for himself instead not that he was going to work that day.

I'm just trying to get you to look at this as this is your DH's kid and if he had that kid full time you wouldn't even be asking this and as the kids get older there will be less you can control over activities anyway.

I get what your saying. i can't help that my 2 yr old doesn't understand why he can't play soccer with his sister and why he has to sit on the sidelines, so if its even nice enough for DS and I to go I'm constantly trying to distract him from trying to run onto the field (fwiw my son is a very well behaved child, but he doesn't understand why SD is allowed to play and not him)

again, if we had her full time i wouldn't have such an issue with it since we would already spend so much other time with her, it wouldn't be an hour away, and I wouldn't sign her up for something at 8am in april in new england. and yeah lets face it, we wouldn't have to deal with bm.

J&A2008 · April 2012

DorisWE:

1. It's 8 weeks. Seriously, it's just 8 weeks, so that only impacts 4 of your Saturdays with you. When your LOs get older you and H will spend waaayyyy more time shuttling to/from stuff. That's what we do as parents.

2. I agree with PP that asked why he scheduled his thing on his weekend with SD if his time with her is so important?

3. Soccer sucks...and having to hang out on the field watching the kids isn't fun for anyone, but it's what you do as a parent. You support your kid in whatever thing they're in at that moment. It's not going to be daddy/daughter time, but she will remember that he was there for her, cheering her on. It's 4 hours out of one weekend. That leaves lots of time for "family" time.

4. I don't know how old your DS is, but why can't you take him to the soccer field? Bring a bunch of toys/books/snacks/whatever. Again, it's what parents do.

5. Would you be having this same reaction if it was your LO?

ALL OF THIS. Period.

I'm also curious exactly what effort you think you are making as a stepparent, since your title says you are "trying" and I'm not sure what that means.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

J&A2008:
DorisWE:

1. It's 8 weeks. Seriously, it's just 8 weeks, so that only impacts 4 of your Saturdays with you. When your LOs get older you and H will spend waaayyyy more time shuttling to/from stuff. That's what we do as parents.

2. I agree with PP that asked why he scheduled his thing on his weekend with SD if his time with her is so important?

3. Soccer sucks...and having to hang out on the field watching the kids isn't fun for anyone, but it's what you do as a parent. You support your kid in whatever thing they're in at that moment. It's not going to be daddy/daughter time, but she will remember that he was there for her, cheering her on. It's 4 hours out of one weekend. That leaves lots of time for "family" time.

4. I don't know how old your DS is, but why can't you take him to the soccer field? Bring a bunch of toys/books/snacks/whatever. Again, it's what parents do.

5. Would you be having this same reaction if it was your LO?

ALL OF THIS. Period.

I'm also curious exactly what effort you think you are making as a stepparent, since your title says you are "trying" and I'm not sure what that means.

I already responded to Doris' comment

I'm trying to do the right thing for SD and trying to be a good step parent and put SD's needs/desires in front of my own issues/ frustrations. easier said than done

J&A2008 · April 2012

holly71087:
I GET that SD needs to come first, I'm not picking a fight about it, just bitching that this sucks.

Ok. If you want to *** that you have a kid in sports, I'm with you. Just try to keep the BF blame game out of it. It's not BM's "fault" and she's not being selfish by putting SD in sports. BM doesn't control the weather, nor the schedule.

I totally get that it sucks. I do. BF or otherwise, sports are a big commitment, and a big PITA for parents.

DorisWE · April 2012

holly71087:
gin9874:

You are wrong about all of our kids taking turns. Obviously my DS in not even 2 yet and he sits through their games and they don't sit through his because he doesn't have any. Also, my DD sits through their games and she is in band and her concerts are during the week on Tuesdays 2x a year and we don't have my SKs then.

I get that it sucks that you didn't get a choice in signing her up. We don't either. Also my DD is starting tennis next year though the school and I had ZERO choice in it and I'm sure all the events won't be local.

I don't see what being a SAHM has anything to do with this? I mean I work full time and go to school full time and still make games....You mentioned your DH was wanting to go do a fun activity for himself instead not that he was going to work that day.

I'm just trying to get you to look at this as this is your DH's kid and if he had that kid full time you wouldn't even be asking this and as the kids get older there will be less you can control over activities anyway.

I get what your saying. i can't help that my 2 yr old doesn't understand why he can't play soccer with his sister and why he has to sit on the sidelines, so if its even nice enough for DS and I to go I'm constantly trying to distract him from trying to run onto the field (fwiw my son is a very well behaved child, but he doesn't understand why SD is allowed to play and not him)

again, if we had her full time i wouldn't have such an issue with it since we would already spend so much other time with her, it wouldn't be an hour away, and I wouldn't sign her up for something at 8am in april in new england. and yeah lets face it, we wouldn't have to deal with bm.

Can't you take a small ball for you LO to kick around on the sidelines? I see tons of parents do this for LOs here and it works well for them.

As far as your H's schedule...it sucks, but what would he be doing if she didn't have soccer. You sort of elude to him not getting enough sleep, so I'd assume sleeping....so taking out soccer doesn't exactly equal more family time.

Your BM may suck and she may be a huge pain in the arse to deal with....but you guys have to be the grown-ups in the mix.

rachi1285 · April 2012

It sounds like for this season you'll just have to suck it up. But for the future, can YH talk to BM and ask for more joint planning next time? It might piss her off, but could he even tell her that you guys aren't willing to add any more activities for SD on your time? Tell her up front so maybe there'll be less of a chance of this happening again.

Side note about being "fair" between siblings; when is life ever fair? So DS has to watch SD's games. It's about family, not about one child or the other! My SD6 started gymnastics a few weeks ago and we go watch her as a family. SS4 comes with and is bored out of his mind for an hour, but we're teaching him to be supportive. He starts soccer in a couple weeks and then she'll need to watch him! (but even if he wasn't involved in any activities we'd still make him come!)

Rhenna · April 2012

DorisWE:

I stand by this isn't a SD activity issue, it's a BM annoys you issue.

I 100% agree with this. Your posts are kind of all over the places making excuses and justifying why you are bothered and how you are right in being annoyed by BM but none of it seems like solid arguments to me. You first said that she scheduled this stuff but you guys only have so much time with SD and it takes away from your time....yet YH is going out shooting with his friends on his time with SD? So take that justification right out. I don't care if it is his only time to go shooting, if he skips the morning he has with his daughter you can't use that as an example of how BM sucks for intruding on your "family" time.

As far as having time to do things as a family together. What is wrong with being at home hanging out while your DS is napping? Most weekends that I have DS and SS we hang around the house. We don't always have to be going somewhere or doing specific activities. We just spend the weekend being as normal of a household as we can (which sometimes includes events that include BM/BF).

I really hope you can try to get over BM, she isn't going anywhere and the things she does isn't to annoy you. She is just living her life and you guys should live yours. And yeah, that means sometimes you will have to put up with her/see her/co-parent at events with her etc.

Sigir · April 2012

I get that you feel you are trying, but I agree with other posters that you have to put aside your rancor towards BM and try to focus on what is best for SD.

Unless BM has a restraining order on you, there is no reason you can't sit behind SD at the games and interact with her. Will it be awkward? Yes, but you have to suck it up. Then, it becomes family time with your dh and sd, and I think that would go a long way.

I will tell you that when I am at a sports activity with my dc, sometimes on their own accord they come over to me and cuddle. I could see my exh framing this in exactly the same way you do- that I "call dc over to sit on my lap" when in reality, dc does this on their own. So just recognize that you might not be seeing the full picture, especially if you are seated so far away.

Honestly, with the way you describe your feeling towards these games and BM, I picture you and your dh standing at the edge of the field miserable and po-ed, with your arms crossed and not interacting with anyone, hating having to be there. If that's the case, then I would agree that your ds would try to run onto the field, to actually enjoy what could be a nice time! But if you engage with the other parents and with SD, and grab a ball and play with your ds on the sidelines, it could actually become a fun time! It's all in how you act. You just seem so focused on your anger with BM that it would be impossible to have a good time, so no wonder you hate it- and that makes you madder at BM. It's a vicious cycle.

I also have a few questions:

- if you get your SD at 5:30 on friday, and it's 30 min before bedtime, is she going to bed at 6pm? That seems a bit extreme for her age- maybe you can see if you can jiggle the schedule a bit to be able to do something as a family on friday night.

- I agree with a pper- since your dh is totally sleep deprived since he works until 7 am saturday morning, what would you all be doing together as a family of 4 on sat mornings? In reality, I think he would probably be asleep. Just a reality check.

- If I was the BM in your instance, getting back to the matter at hand about this weekend, I would be po-ed if I knew that my exh chose to go hunting on one of his weekend with sd, and that she missed soccer as a result. I realize he has to work around others schedules, but if he was arranging this trip and time with his daughter was that important, he would say, my schedule does not allow these weekends (list his weekends with sd). As a BM, if I knew about this in advance I would probably suggest we change the visitation schedule for this weekend and she stay with me until your dh returns from his trip, especially since you only get her 30 min before bedtime on fri night.

- ITA with others that during your son's naptime, you could be doing any number of awesome things with your sd besides homework. I was going to suggest that your dh take her out and do something 'daddy daughter' during this time, until I saw that he sleeps during this time. Maybe your dh should consider not taking the friday night shift on weekends that he has his daughter, so that they could spend more quality time together on their weekends? I don't know if that is an option.

Sorry so long, just my thoughts on all the posts.

sprky79 · April 2012

OP, I love that your BM in this situation basically dictated to you your schedule for YOUR family's time with your stepkid, handed you buttloads of driving so that you could do YOUR family time with your stepkid the way SHE wants you to do it, got her lawyer to write you a letter saying, "you better not come near biomom" so you really can't interact much with your Stepkid during these soccer games anyway thanks to how Biomom is acting once she gets there, but you're the one getting flamed for being difficult here. Lol. Even more of a Lol that Biomom gets to run this ship however she sees fit but heaven forbid the Biodad here take two hours on a Saturday morning once a month for himself. Lordy.

I don't see any place where the OP stated she had a problem with team sports, or her stepkid playing team sports, or any extra curricular activity for that matter. She questions whether the kid is really into soccer, but that's different than saying, "this kid should be signed up for nothing because god forbid it interferes with our family time." She also questions why everything must be done where biomom lives, which seems reasonable to me too. Why can't the kid play soccer closer to dad's house? What would be the harm?

Perhaps it is time to modify your court order to cover extracurricular activities, and how the kid gets signed up for them. I don't think you are unreasonable in not wanting to haul it all over god's green acres every weekend so that biomom can avoid being inconvenienced in the slightest, so long as you understand (and you seem to) that this whole co-parenting thing needs to involve EVERYONE being willing to comprimise a bit. Which you seem to.

Until then, I guess you are stuck sucking it up and marching to biomom's tune.

Rhenna · April 2012

sprky79:

OP, I love that your BM in this situation basically dictated to you your schedule for YOUR family's time with your stepkid, handed you buttloads of driving so that you could do YOUR family time with your stepkid the way SHE wants you to do it, got her lawyer to write you a letter saying, "you better not come near biomom" so you really can't interact much with your Stepkid during these soccer games anyway thanks to how Biomom is acting once she gets there, but you're the one getting flamed for being difficult here. Lol. Even more of a Lol that Biomom gets to run this ship however she sees fit but heaven forbid the Biodad here take two hours on a Saturday morning once a month for himself. Lordy.

I don't see any place where the OP stated she had a problem with team sports, or her stepkid playing team sports, or any extra curricular activity for that matter. She questions whether the kid is really into soccer, but that's different than saying, "this kid should be signed up for nothing because god forbid it interferes with our family time." She also questions why everything must be done where biomom lives, which seems reasonable to me too. Why can't the kid play soccer closer to dad's house? What would be the harm?

Perhaps it is time to modify your court order to cover extracurricular activities, and how the kid gets signed up for them. I don't think you are unreasonable in not wanting to haul it all over god's green acres every weekend so that biomom can avoid being inconvenienced in the slightest, so long as you understand (and you seem to) that this whole co-parenting thing needs to involve EVERYONE being willing to comprimise a bit. Which you seem to.

Until then, I guess you are stuck sucking it up and marching to biomom's tune.

I have read her posts and I don't see at all what you are seeing. It sounds to me like maybe you have a problem with a BM too. I feel like everything that you restated for her bashing the BM is all being over played, overly scrutinized and is just a general feeling of dislike for BM and seeing things that are not there/blowing BM's actions WAY out of proportion. If BM is CP and the BF only has EOW, I'm sorry but it is not unreasonable for BM to sign the kid up for activities near where she lives. That is where the kid spends the vast majority of her time and something the NCP just has to deal with.

The general BM hate on this board is over the top IMO. I have no doubt that a lot of people have real issues with BM's but a lot of the posts I see really just sound like BM bashing just for the sake of bashing without any real substance behind it which is how I see Holly's posts. I'm sure Holly is having a really rough time with her feelings about BM and my heart goes out to her on that but I just want her to see that all of her energy she is spending hating BM is making her life harder. If you let this stuff go and stop living and worrying so much about the "hidden ill will/intentions" of the other parent your life will be so much more stress free.

Sigir · April 2012

Rhenna:
sprky79:

OP, I love that your BM in this situation basically dictated to you your schedule for YOUR family's time with your stepkid, handed you buttloads of driving so that you could do YOUR family time with your stepkid the way SHE wants you to do it, got her lawyer to write you a letter saying, "you better not come near biomom" so you really can't interact much with your Stepkid during these soccer games anyway thanks to how Biomom is acting once she gets there, but you're the one getting flamed for being difficult here. Lol. Even more of a Lol that Biomom gets to run this ship however she sees fit but heaven forbid the Biodad here take two hours on a Saturday morning once a month for himself. Lordy.

I don't see any place where the OP stated she had a problem with team sports, or her stepkid playing team sports, or any extra curricular activity for that matter. She questions whether the kid is really into soccer, but that's different than saying, "this kid should be signed up for nothing because god forbid it interferes with our family time." She also questions why everything must be done where biomom lives, which seems reasonable to me too. Why can't the kid play soccer closer to dad's house? What would be the harm?

Perhaps it is time to modify your court order to cover extracurricular activities, and how the kid gets signed up for them. I don't think you are unreasonable in not wanting to haul it all over god's green acres every weekend so that biomom can avoid being inconvenienced in the slightest, so long as you understand (and you seem to) that this whole co-parenting thing needs to involve EVERYONE being willing to comprimise a bit. Which you seem to.

Until then, I guess you are stuck sucking it up and marching to biomom's tune.

I have read her posts and I don't see at all what you are seeing. It sounds to me like maybe you have a problem with a BM too. I feel like everything that you restated for her bashing the BM is all being over played, overly scrutinized and is just a general feeling of dislike for BM and seeing things that are not there/blowing BM's actions WAY out of proportion. If BM is CP and the BF only has EOW, I'm sorry but it is not unreasonable for BM to sign the kid up for activities near where she lives. That is where the kid spends the vast majority of her time and something the NCP just has to deal with.

The general BM hate on this board is over the top IMO. I have no doubt that a lot of people have real issues with BM's but a lot of the posts I see really just sound like BM bashing just for the sake of bashing without any real substance behind it which is how I see Holly's posts. I'm sure Holly is having a really rough time with her feelings about BM and my heart goes out to her on that but I just want her to see that all of her energy she is spending hating BM is making her life harder. If you let this stuff go and stop living and worrying so much about the "hidden ill will/intentions" of the other parent your life will be so much more stress free.

ITA with every word of this post. Bravo Rhenna!

sprky79 · April 2012

I think there is a more legitimate complaint on the OP's side here than the responses she was getting, namely "You just have Biomom." I think that Biomom could have at least considered how this all was going to impact OP's family before deciding, "Well, I want to do this so I am going to do this and eff them if they don't like it." Biomom has to co-parent here too.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

Sigir:

I also have a few questions:

- if you get your SD at 5:30 on friday, and it's 30 min before bedtime, is she going to bed at 6pm? That seems a bit extreme for her age- maybe you can see if you can jiggle the schedule a bit to be able to do something as a family on friday night.

we do all the driving. we pick SD up at 5:30, the half hour drive easily turns into 45 mins with traffic. she is at our house by 6:15/6:30. her bedtime is 7pm, and usually she is asking to go to bed sooner.

- I agree with a pper- since your dh is totally sleep deprived since he works until 7 am saturday morning, what would you all be doing together as a family of 4 on sat mornings? In reality, I think he would probably be asleep. Just a reality check.

I thought I addressed this, guess not. DH sleeps as soon as he gets home from work (he works >5 mins away) for an hour or two (usually until the kids are awake, have eaten and are dressed and ready to start their day) we spend the morning together and eat lunch together then DS and DH nap. We spend the afternoon together, eat family dinner and SD is in bed at 7pm when DH also goes to bed before work. On this schedule he gets about 7 hours of sleep. not ideal, but he makes sacrifices so he can spend every minute possible with his kids on the weekend.

- If I was the BM in your instance, getting back to the matter at hand about this weekend, I would be po-ed if I knew that my exh chose to go hunting on one of his weekend with sd, and that she missed soccer as a result. I realize he has to work around others schedules, but if he was arranging this trip and time with his daughter was that important, he would say, my schedule does not allow these weekends (list his weekends with sd). As a BM, if I knew about this in advance I would probably suggest we change the visitation schedule for this weekend and she stay with me until your dh returns from his trip, especially since you only get her 30 min before bedtime on fri night.

I did already address this. Its not a hunting trip by any means. his friends go to the gun range once a month, he is gone fro 9-11. 99 times out of 100 he can arrange it so that it isn't during his time with SD, once in a while he needs to make sacrifices. SD is part of our family, she needs time to play with DS, engage in things with myself, spend time with DH and spend time with all of us together. DH taking off for 2 hours out of the entire weekend isn't as huge of a deal as DH and SD taking off for 4 hours to go hang out with BM. BM will not compromise on our visitation at all.

- ITA with others that during your son's naptime, you could be doing any number of awesome things with your sd besides homework. I was going to suggest that your dh take her out and do something 'daddy daughter' during this time, until I saw that he sleeps during this time. Maybe your dh should consider not taking the friday night shift on weekends that he has his daughter, so that they could spend more quality time together on their weekends? I don't know if that is an option.

SD is not doing well at school. we're not sure if it is because she is one of the younger in her class or because she doesn't get alot of one-on-one time to work on her homework. we actually don't do SD's homework with her, BM won't allow us to. We do flashcard games, practice writing letters and numbers etc.

DH has no option on the friday night shifts. he works a rotating schedule, it just turns out that the way the rotation is working out he is working almost every friday night before his weekends with SD for the next few months.

Sorry so long, just my thoughts on all the posts.

Holly_1007 · April 2012

sprky79:

OP, I love that your BM in this situation basically dictated to you your schedule for YOUR family's time with your stepkid, handed you buttloads of driving so that you could do YOUR family time with your stepkid the way SHE wants you to do it, got her lawyer to write you a letter saying, "you better not come near biomom" so you really can't interact much with your Stepkid during these soccer games anyway thanks to how Biomom is acting once she gets there, but you're the one getting flamed for being difficult here. Lol. Even more of a Lol that Biomom gets to run this ship however she sees fit but heaven forbid the Biodad here take two hours on a Saturday morning once a month for himself. Lordy.

I don't see any place where the OP stated she had a problem with team sports, or her stepkid playing team sports, or any extra curricular activity for that matter. She questions whether the kid is really into soccer, but that's different than saying, "this kid should be signed up for nothing because god forbid it interferes with our family time." She also questions why everything must be done where biomom lives, which seems reasonable to me too. Why can't the kid play soccer closer to dad's house? What would be the harm?

Perhaps it is time to modify your court order to cover extracurricular activities, and how the kid gets signed up for them. I don't think you are unreasonable in not wanting to haul it all over god's green acres every weekend so that biomom can avoid being inconvenienced in the slightest, so long as you understand (and you seem to) that this whole co-parenting thing needs to involve EVERYONE being willing to comprimise a bit. Which you seem to.

Until then, I guess you are stuck sucking it up and marching to biomom's tune.

thank you sparky. contrary to the rest of the posts, this is the issue. BM went behind our back and signed SD up, then told us we have to bring her. BM doesn't drive at all, so we do all the driving. its alot. its frustrating. We told BM we don't care what she does with SD on her weekends, but she cannot dictate what we do with SD on our weekends, but she's trying.

2BMrs.Carter · April 2012

If it was already clearly stated to BM that soccer was out, she shouldn't have signed her up. You guys arent obligated to take her. I would ask SD if she wants to go. If she says no, we would all stay home. Doing all of the driving is enough. SD and Dad can play in the back yard or at the park.BM can get upset if she wants about her missing games, but she shouldn't have signed her up.

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