Visitation schedule - Infant?

romil · April 2012

Hi all,

I've been lurking a bit. I've been separated for a little over a month. STBXH (i think that's the right abbreviation?) moved out on March 1st after I found out he'd been cheating me on me a week prior (that's when I found out, but it's been going on for a while apparently with different women).

Anyway, I haven't done anything legally yet...took me about a month to accept the situation and no longer be in denial. What an emotional rollercoaster!

I don't want this to get any longer than it already is....so my question right now is about your visitation schedules if you have an infant/toddler. DD is just about 10 months old.

What's typical at this age and how does it change as they get older?

I know I need to find a lawyer and get legal advice for my specific situation...but I'm just trying to gather info and prepare myself.

So far, he's asked to see her usually twice a week after daycare for a few hours and 1 day (5-6 hours) on the weekend so his parents can spend time with her.

ashleyann331 · April 2012

It takes while for you to mentally gather yourself, so don't rush into anything. Keep it as amicable as you possibly can. Its good that hes asking to see DD (dear daughter) not all men do that so I'm glad you have someone who does!!! You want your daughter and her father to know each other so make sure that even when your angry and upset with your STBXH (that is the right abb by the way) its still important for them to see each other. When I've spoken to my lawyer about visitation and such we determined that whatever I'm comfortable with then thats what we will go for. Keep that in mind for the future. At 10 months your child is still really young so maybe overnights might be a bit much right now (they would be for me) but that completely up to you. I'm sorry your in this situation but it seems like your handling it well sweetie.

princesa2423 · April 2012

I'm actually going through similar, just found out STBXH was cheating on me. After a little over 6 years of marriage and a new baby, definitely NOT something you enjoy finding out. And yes, it is quite the emotional rollercoaster (sigh).

Regardless, it seems at least yours is a decent father. My own isn't mentally stable and I fear for my DD's life, so I haven't had her alone with him for quite some time after his last outburst.

I see you're in NJ, so am I. I know each state's laws are different, so whatever you find out regarding custody, visitation, etc, please post, I'm new to all of this stuff too (sigh) but we'll get through it.

Good luck and please keep us informed

Roselis · April 2012

DS is only 8 months old so our children are close in age. My XH has DS 3 days a week.

Here is my blog entry on my journey from finding out about the divorce, separating, divorcing, and our shared parenting plan: https://lissasrose.blogspot.com/2012/03/divorce.html

Here is our set-up:

What is our custody set-up like? D and I are splitting time with P 50/50. I drop him off with D on my way to work Thursday mornings at 7am. He has P from then, until Sunday where he drops P off on his way to work. Then I will have P until Thursday. It is a set-up that works well for the 3 of us. I have received several raised eyebrows regarding this set-up considering how old P is (almost 8 months). Most fathers get one day a week and every other weekend. My response is that this is what works for D, me, and P. And as long as P continues to thrive, then I see no need to change it.

With 50/50, is he paying child support? No he is not. This is by our choice, not the courts. We came to an agreement that we feel benefits all 3 of us. He covers his health insurance, I get the tax credits, and we split any additional costs such as child care, medical costs, etc.

Who is the residential/custodial parent then? The answer is both and neither. With a shared parenting plan such as ours, we are both considered the custodial parent. However, my address will be the one provided for medical visits, schooling, etc. My reasoning for this was that as it currently stands, I have a house and a permanent residence. D is currently living with his parents and is unsure where he will live as he is looking for better work outside of the city as well as within the city. Using my address, we will not have to worry about changes of address as often.

How did you divide the holidays? I wrote down all of the holidays important to me, and the few I know are important to him, and came up with my proposal on how to split them. He apparently found it fair and agreed to it and that was added in to the custody agreement of the divorce. We will alternate years on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and P?s Birthday. I will have him on Mothers Day, Christmas Eve, and until 1pm Christmas Day. D will have him Fathers Day, the last half of Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas.

PrettyInPearls23 · April 2012

Honestly, his current visitation is pretty good for DD's age. My son was 8 months old when XH moved out, and I agreed to EOW overnight visits. This isn't a common thing on this board, but it worked for us. He's also had Wednesday PM visits, but has never utilized them. DS is now almost 2.5 years old.

IMO, having visits a few hours 2-3x per week is a great schedule for DD's age. Most people will recommend that overnights not start until 18 months old. And even then, keep it to one overnight (Fri-Sat or Sat-Sun). You could (and should) still continue the weekly visits as well. If you find that having to deal with STBXH 2x during the week is too much, see if he wants to do it 1x a week for a longer period of time. GL!

romil · April 2012

princesa2423:

I'm actually going through similar, just found out STBXH was cheating on me. After a little over 6 years of marriage and a new baby, definitely NOT something you enjoy finding out. And yes, it is quite the emotional rollercoaster (sigh).

Regardless, it seems at least yours is a decent father. My own isn't mentally stable and I fear for my DD's life, so I haven't had her alone with him for quite some time after his last outburst.

I see you're in NJ, so am I. I know each state's laws are different, so whatever you find out regarding custody, visitation, etc, please post, I'm new to all of this stuff too (sigh) but we'll get through it.

Good luck and please keep us informed

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I have my good days and bad days, but I've been seeing a therapist and it seems to be helping. At least I'm finally accepting the situation -- I was in lalaland thinking that I could possibly try to work things out until recently.

I've been married for 5 years, but living together for 5 years prior to getting married....and together for over 11 years.

I'll definitely keep you posted on what I find out. STBXH has been cooperating, but he's had some outbreaks too and I am worried about his drinking, so I haven't allowed overnight visits.

Where in NJ are you? I'm in north NJ near NYC. We should chat offline. You can PM me and I'll send you my email.

romil · April 2012

Roselis:

DS is only 8 months old so our children are close in age. My XH has DS 3 days a week.

Here is my blog entry on my journey from finding out about the divorce, separating, divorcing, and our shared parenting plan: https://lissasrose.blogspot.com/2012/03/divorce.html

Here is our set-up:

What is our custody set-up like? D and I are splitting time with P 50/50. I drop him off with D on my way to work Thursday mornings at 7am. He has P from then, until Sunday where he drops P off on his way to work. Then I will have P until Thursday. It is a set-up that works well for the 3 of us. I have received several raised eyebrows regarding this set-up considering how old P is (almost 8 months). Most fathers get one day a week and every other weekend. My response is that this is what works for D, me, and P. And as long as P continues to thrive, then I see no need to change it.

With 50/50, is he paying child support? No he is not. This is by our choice, not the courts. We came to an agreement that we feel benefits all 3 of us. He covers his health insurance, I get the tax credits, and we split any additional costs such as child care, medical costs, etc.

Who is the residential/custodial parent then? The answer is both and neither. With a shared parenting plan such as ours, we are both considered the custodial parent. However, my address will be the one provided for medical visits, schooling, etc. My reasoning for this was that as it currently stands, I have a house and a permanent residence. D is currently living with his parents and is unsure where he will live as he is looking for better work outside of the city as well as within the city. Using my address, we will not have to worry about changes of address as often.

How did you divide the holidays? I wrote down all of the holidays important to me, and the few I know are important to him, and came up with my proposal on how to split them. He apparently found it fair and agreed to it and that was added in to the custody agreement of the divorce. We will alternate years on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and P?s Birthday. I will have him on Mothers Day, Christmas Eve, and until 1pm Christmas Day. D will have him Fathers Day, the last half of Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas.

Thanks for responding. Wow, that's great that you could agree to that. At this point, there is no way that would work for me.

Do you think you will continue this 50/50 arrangement as he gets older?

romil · April 2012

PrettyInPearls23:

Honestly, his current visitation is pretty good for DD's age. My son was 8 months old when XH moved out, and I agreed to EOW overnight visits. This isn't a common thing on this board, but it worked for us. He's also had Wednesday PM visits, but has never utilized them. DS is now almost 2.5 years old.

IMO, having visits a few hours 2-3x per week is a great schedule for DD's age. Most people will recommend that overnights not start until 18 months old. And even then, keep it to one overnight (Fri-Sat or Sat-Sun). You could (and should) still continue the weekly visits as well. If you find that having to deal with STBXH 2x during the week is too much, see if he wants to do it 1x a week for a longer period of time. GL!

Thanks! Glad to hear that what I've been doing is reasonable and it's also comforting to see other with young kids in the same situation. I went to a local divorce and separation support group and it was all much older men/women with grown up kids...and I keep hearing how "unusual" it is to go through a divorce with such a young child. And everywhere I go, people just assume I'm married when I'm with DD even though I haven't been wearing my wedding ring -- went to check out a new daycare and the lady kept saying I could have my husband come back, blah blah blah.

romil · April 2012

tifanico:

How is he as a father? That is a my first question.

I started overnight visits pretty early but BD was always involved.

I think that the schedule you mention is pretty good for his age. I would be specific on time and the place of the pick up. I would also make it that they were the same days of the week every time so you are not subjected to when he wants to take it.

That's a difficult thing to answer...

While we were still together he wasn't interested in being a father and was constantly feeling like he was "missing out" on going out, having fun, etc. Mind you, he's 33 years old -- it's not like we had a child super young. He's also had a drinking problem and so I don't totally trust him for overnights at this point.

However, since we've split he seems to be either more interested in her or putting on a show. He suddenly wants to go to dr appointments, asking tons of questions, wants to take her overnight, etc.

That's a good idea to be more specific on dates and places. I've been really flexible and allowing him to see her when he wants, unless of course I have other plans. But having set days/times might be better for all. I want to make sure whatever I do now doesn't set a bad presedence for when we do the legal proceedings.

Roselis · April 2012

romil:
Roselis:

DS is only 8 months old so our children are close in age. My XH has DS 3 days a week.

Here is my blog entry on my journey from finding out about the divorce, separating, divorcing, and our shared parenting plan: https://lissasrose.blogspot.com/2012/03/divorce.html

Thanks for responding. Wow, that's great that you could agree to that. At this point, there is no way that would work for me.

Do you think you will continue this 50/50 arrangement as he gets older?

We actually tried to set it up in a way that it will work as he gets older and starts school. As long as P is doing well with this arrangement, and D stays in the area, there are no plans to change it.

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