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3rd Trimester
mamayo26
member
How did you handle home guests after baby?
mamayo26
member
I really want the birth of our first to be a special time for me and DH, so the only other person who I want with me in L&D or to even know I am in labor is my best friend and LO's godmother (DH is fine with her being there for me/us).
BUT DH wants to tell his family via call/text when we head to the hospital, but between the way they have been acting (overly excited to the point they are annoying me--don't get me wrong, I am glad they are excited, but they are just a little too in my face about it) and knowing them for 7 years, they will be bugging him for an update all the time and that is not how I want my L&D to go. I don't want to make "the call" to anyone until LO is here and we are both given clean bills of health.
I also don't want people to visit us in the hospital, which I can control (thank you HIPPA laws), but I am wondering how you handled visiting the baby after you brought him/her home. I don't want a constant stream of people in our house, as I will be trying to bring in my milk supply/breastfeeding and exhausted. Between his side and my side we have a really big family and I just want to maintain as much control as possible (self-proclaimed control-freak here).
Is it best to give certain people chuncks of time on certain days so that it is spread out and not too overwheliming, or is there another better way that you have found?
TIA!
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Re: How did you handle home guests after baby?
One thing you could consider doing it a "Meet the Baby" party - about 2 or 3 weeks after the birth. That way you can have all your visitors in one 2 hour chunk. Just do a causual Sunday afternoon thing with some snacks...
Before that time, only invite immediate family to visit.
I'm a control freak but I actually did like having visitors. We both have huge families too - dh has 6 siblings and our parents families are even bigger and I definitely understand the whole wanting privacy thing. (my mil walked into the delivery room with my BIL -who is my age- without even knocking or being told she was allowed. Thank God I was decent but i was livid!) We made a point to tell everyone that they needed to call and we would tell them a time to come. That kept us from being overwhelmed with too many people or having people over while I was nursing. Everyone is well meaning and really just wants to meet the new addition, but you have to do what makes you comfortable.
That is the beauty of being the mom. You can decide when and how long you want guests. I would say this as far as when you get home:
Maybe for the first week or two, only "allow" grandparents and siblings to stop by (during certain hours that you have pre-determined). Then after a few weeks start slowly inviting people over. I am not all for "meet the baby" parties b/c to me, it would be overwhelming having a party where I know she would passed around all afternoon. Just remember, your and DH's feelings come first...yeah it might sound mean, but you have carried this person for 9 months and your body just went through a very taumatic event (not to mention your hormones will be out of whack), so allow yourself to feel fully comfortable and settled in a little before inviting anxious guests over.
Goodbye little angel(7/22/2011)....see you in heaven
Goodbye my second angel (9/18/2011)
Maybe play it by ear? Let everyone know that once the baby arrives and you're home, you expect to receive a phone call before they plan to visit to make sure youre up for company.
As far as your DH calling his family... *I* wouldn't worry about letting him tell them you're headed to the hospital, but I would ask him to turn his phone off once you're checked in. My DH was updating people via text every few hours... one mass text to everyone on our list (friends and family alike) but he had his phone on to receive IMPORTANT calls (like my Dad calling to tell him that he'd brought dinner to him and come get it while its hot...) Once baby arrived, WE called important people (it was at 3:30 AM so only parents at that point).
We handled visitors to our house a little differently because we lived out of town... My Dad and sister stayed at our house while we were at the hospital but had to leave before we came home. They just visited in the hospital, which I was VERY grateful for because DS had to be in the nursery and I wanted someone with him as much time as possible... and I couldn't be there all the time. My grandparents stayed for several days, but stayed in a hotel and just came over for a few hours during the day when it was convenient for us. My MIL didn't come until Friday (DS was born on a Monday) and she came alone and planned to stay with us for a week. She's easy. She planned to cook/clean/whatever we needed while she was there. And she was 200% supportive of breastfeeding. On that note, I made it clear to anyone that was coming to visit in the early days that I'd be BFing and I wasn't going to be shy about it... if baby wanted to nurse, we didn't go to another room and I certainly didn't cover up in my own home. If they were uncomfortable, they were welcome to leave.
Other friends would just drop by to bring dinner or visit for an hour or two and we were so glad to see them. I didn't like being cooped up and I was so happy to be with friends and introduce them to our son.
I took the direct approach. Both sets of parents live out of town so it was easier to fend off early visits. Your mileage may vary.
I told my parents that my husband would be taking care of me the first two weeks. They could come after that. We told his parents they could come after my parents left. It then turned out that my husband would be taking 4 weeks of paternity leave so my mom volunteered to come when my husband returned to work. My husband had taken care of me after a couple of surgeries so my mom knew that he was a capable caregiver. MIL was planning to come later anyway so it didn't affect their plans.
My husband also wants to tell our families when we go to the hospital. I made it clear to him that he needs to focus on coaching me and that we can't let them interrupt us during L&D. He's happy to be the enforcer.
I also relate to how you felt about the over-excitement. I put up with a few remarks until I realized it was time to nip it in the bud because things were not getting any better. I wrote an email (it's harder for me to express myself over the phone) to MIL and expressed my appreciation for her excitement and acknowledged that she was a great person who might not have realized that the things she said made me feel like my primary reason for existence was to carry her grandchild. She responded that she was very sorry for making me feel bad. Now I don't feel so stressed thinking about her past and future comments.
I found most visitors we had both at the hospital and at home were very considerate. If it was time for baby to eat everyone knew I would be nursing and at that point they would leave (unless it was my sisters or good friends that I didn't care be present during that time) If I was tired and needed to crash I slept. My mom was with me the first 2 weeks when DH was at work (I had a c/section so she helped a lot) so if I wasn't up for people they could "entertain" them. Everyone is just excited to see the baby and hold it for a little while. Most people know what it's like to have a newborn baby to take care of and won't be camping out at your house. I know there are some exceptions. For them, when it's time for them to go say baby needs to sleep or eat and remove yourselves they should get the hint that you want to be alone. I know my first few days were craziness but it calms down and we settled in just fine
I had a cousin who did visiting hours. Sounded like a great idea to me! My parents are the only two people from both our families that live in the state. Everyone else has to drive 6hrs or fly. But, we do have lots of people at church who are expecting to see the little one and that's when we'll have the special hours for visiting.
My mom is coming over for the first week so that DH and I can focus on the baby. She'll be helping with cooking and cleaning. Then around week two DH's family will be coming into town. They'll be staying in a hotel and are not the type of people to intrude so I'm not at all worried about them coming.
we're doing the meet the baby party thing to have a consolidated time for people to meet him. That said, I'm sure immediate family will visit before that party. The party is mostly for friends and extended family.
I say that if he wants to tell them when you go into labor, let him. Just be clear with him that he can't be constantly on his phone. The attention needs to be in the room, but an occasional (ie: once an hour) update text message is fine. Just turn the ringer off. It doesn't mean that they will visit right away - you can still control that.
That's my 2 cents.
I'm happy email worked for you but I have had such bad luck in this department! Tones are just so hard to read.
I agree with everyone else in that you should leave it up to DH to reinforce your decision. You can just say you're not sure how it will be and you don't want it to be anything but wonderful for everyone involved... you don't want to risk being overwhelmed and hormonal and making anyone uncomfortable.... just make it sound like you're more concerned about THEIR welfare and you should come across just fine.
We did visiting hours. We waited about a week, until we had at least some idea of sleeping and BFing times. I found it easy to tell a few people at a time that "we're seeing people from 3-4:30 pm on Wednesday or Thursday" because I could explain that was when the baby would be awake and not feeding. No one wants to visit when the baby is asleep anyway so it works out well for everyone. If someone stayed too long, I simply said it was nap or feeding time, picked up my baby, took him to the nursery, and shut the door. They could stay and visit with DH in the living room but always took the hint and left.
I also was pretty serious about not letting people come who had colds, etc. during the first month. I am usually not a control freak but the nice thing about a FTM is you can just say "please let me know if you catch a cold before Wednesday and we can schedule a different time to see the baby" and I think everyone excuses you as a nervous new mom.
As far as the hospital visitation, we didn't tell anyone when I headed to the hospital. We announced/called after Lo was born. The hospital's visitation policy helped to control visitors. Just the few we had at the hospital was stressful. I was trying to BF, and it wasn't working.
At home is when it really sucked. People just would randomly show up and expect to stay for an hour or two to visit. We continued to have BFing problems and we had a really horrible first 2 weeks. Anytime we could sleep, we did. So have people randomly drop by really sucked. My SIL, who was visiting (PA) from Indiana wanted to meet the baby before she headed home. She couldn't get her sh*t together in time. She showed up at 11pm and wanted to see the baby. I was so pissed that I sent DH out on the porch and refused to let her in the house. What kind of person shows up at 11p and wants to visit the baby. I made her come back the next day, which she did...at 9pm!!