Baby Shower Question

Jackie2200 · April 2012

Hi ladies,

I really hope to join you over here soon but for now, I have a question about baby showers.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and this whole pregnancy has been emotionally hard for me since it's so close to the loss of my twins. I've been scared and haven't been all that giddy and blissful about it. No one else has either. I get that no one really wants to be invested in my pregnany because they don't want to get hurt again if I have another late loss but in the same regard, my mom and aunts have gone nuts over my sister's and 2 cousins' pregnancies that have all overlapped with my loss and TTC journey. My mom went so much as to drive from NC to Maine and back for a weekend to attend my cousin's shower in Janary becasue my Aunt's threw my sister a shower last July but no one has even mentioned a shower for me.

I feel upset that my baby isn't getting the same love and attention that everyone else's got and while I have the finances to buy everything I need for my baby, and I know it's greedy of me to say this, I can't help but feel a little upset that I have spent thousands on gifts for other people (including my sister and cousins) over the years and no one is going to reciprocate for me.

In the whole scheme of things, will I really care that I didn't have a baby shower for this LO that I'm expecting in late May? How far out from LOs arrival will I even care about this?

Thanks!

Sarafuss · April 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you talked to your mom about how you're feeling? I would be hurt as well if no one was planning a shower for me. I would tell your mom that you don't care about the gifts but you feel that no one wants to celebrate your baby.

krissyh21 · April 2012

Have you expressed how you felt to your mom and sister? Maybe they think that they are respecting your unspoken wishes by not throwing a shower? Or a surprise shower could be in the works as well - you never know!

But as far as missing the moment of a shower - I would say no, it is not something you will look back on each year with regret. As soon as you are holding that baby of your in your arms nothing else matters, but that moment and the past is the past.

I missed doing a cake smash for my LO when he turned one, a few months later, I was super bummed that I never got around to doing it - but it isn't that important in the grand scheme of things - it is just one breif moment of a zillion moments I get to share with him and about him - KWIM?

matt'sbride · April 2012

First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! I'm so happy for you!

I agree with PP, I think you should try talking with your mom about how you're feeling. I would feel pretty upset if no one threw a baby shower for us. It seems that you haven't had an easy road to this pregnancy, but that's all the more reason to celebrate it, IMO. I also think it's completely fair that you expect people to buy gifts for your LO when you've supported others during their baby showers. If it were me, I know I would regret not having a baby shower. Good luck!

Imanurse03 · April 2012

Big hugs. Maybe someone is planning on throwing you a shower in a few weeks? Is that a possiblity? I, too, would talk to your mom about how you feel. They should be celebrating the arrival of your baby, despite the loss of your twins. That is even more reason to celebrate.

For what it's worth, my family and friends weren't planning on throwing me a shower. I was really hurt and disappointed. I actually am still a little disappointed about that, but I'm pretty sensitive. Our families and friends knew all about our IF struggles and m/cs. My aunts threw my sister a baby shower 2 years ago but didn't do the same for me. My mom doesn't like to be inconvenienced and do anything for others, so I guess throwing a shower was too much for her. MIL didn't ask to plan one, either.

A friend of mine who went through IF and eventually had twins asked me about a shower about 3 months before my EDD. I told her that my family and friends hadn't mentioned a shower. I was put on bedrest at 20 weeks so I'm not sure if people were hesitant to throw one for me or not. So my friend planned a shower for me, out of state and while she had twin 2 year old girls and pg with #3 on bedrest. It was amazing. It really meant a lot.

I would tell your mom how you feel! I think your family and friends should celebrate you as the mommy-to-be and your baby! Hugs.

GuitaristsGirl · April 2012

We lost our twins at the exact (to the day) same point you did. First of all, huge hugs as I know how stressful a subsequent pregnancy can be.

When I was pg with DS (now 2) I didn't want a shower - AT ALL. And would Have been seriously pissed if someone had failed to respect that. Everyone is so different - I totally get where you're coming from, too ... Any chance they just don't know what to do or how you'd like them to handle it? I agree with the advice to talk to them about it. Potentially awkward, but worth it!

And, just as an aside (NOT to suggest that you shouldnt have a showe, just sharing what we did) what we ended up doing was a party (shower, sip n see, whatever you want to call it) 4 weeks after he was born and it was perfect. It was so happy and peaceful to celebrate a baby at home, kwim? . GL!!

etoyama · April 2012

Oh I'm so sorry! I would be upset by that too. I second pp's advice, and I hope one of your family members steps up to the plate!

Dochas · April 2012

Jackie2200:
Hi ladies,

I really hope to join you over here soon but for now, I have a question about baby showers.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and this whole pregnancy has been emotionally hard for me since it's so close to the loss of my twins. I've been scared and haven't been all that giddy and blissful about it. No one else has either. I get that no one really wants to be invested in my pregnany because they don't want to get hurt again if I have another late loss but in the same regard, my mom and aunts have gone nuts over my sister's and 2 cousins' pregnancies that have all overlapped with my loss and TTC journey. My mom went so much as to drive from NC to Maine and back for a weekend to attend my cousin's shower in Janary becasue my Aunt's threw my sister a shower last July but no one has even mentioned a shower for me.

I feel upset that my baby isn't getting the same love and attention that everyone else's got and while I have the finances to buy everything I need for my baby, and I know it's greedy of me to say this, I can't help but feel a little upset that I have spent thousands on gifts for other people (including my sister and cousins) over the years and no one is going to reciprocate for me.

In the whole scheme of things, will I really care that I didn't have a baby shower for this LO that I'm expecting in late May? How far out from LOs arrival will I even care about this?

Thanks!

I doubt that they're worried about themselves. They probably just don't want to upset you. If you have not been giddy or blissful they are probably afraid that it will be disrespectful to act differently. I can also understand why they would celebrate other pregnancies. I wouldn't have wanted other people to be unhappy because I was worried about my pregnancy. That really wouldn't be fair to them. Can you just flat out ask them about a shower? I'm sure they want to do whatever will make you happiest, but they are probably just following your lead.

cbubbles2 · April 2012

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I would be really, really upset if my mom/sisters didn't throw me a shower when they do for everyone else.

Perhaps they think they are respecting your wishes by not having one. I think your baby SHOULD be celebrated and I like what a PP said about a "meet the baby" party once LO arrives.

choco_lab · April 2012

I agree with pp. You say yourself that you have not been blissful during the pregnancy so I bet they just don't want to upset you. I would just assume this is the case and not get mad about it. Personally, if you don't have a shower.. I would plan my own "welcome party" after the baby arrives so you can show off your new bundle of joy when you are feeling good about things. People will want to "shower" you with gifts when the time is right... either before or after the baby arrives. I'm sure it's not personal!

GuitaristsGirl · April 2012

I can't stop thinking about this post

. Here's the thing- pregnancy after a late loss is horrifying. The emotions and anxiety are like nothing that anyone else can relate to. In my experience... My family and friends were often insensitive at times. My inlaws were so horrid that we basically stopped all communication with them (even over the holidays). There about 100000 things I wish everyone had done differently... But I also realize now, with hindsight, that there was really no way for them to win.

For me, my mom and sis insisted on a shower. Which I thought was horrible of them and flat out refused (we had already had to plan and cancel one, after all). I made it clear that no one was to buy *anything* - since last time we had to return so much

. Then.... At some point very far along... Something changed without me realizing it, and I got sad that he hadn't been celebrated, but I didn't feel like I could go back on what I'd been saying. Luckily, I had already compromised with my fam by agreeing to the meet and greet (no gifts, just celebrating) so I had that to look forward to

I hope you don't mind me sharing all this with you. No real point except to say that I understand that it sucks, and pregnancy after a loss is going to be hard, regardless. Whatever you decide, or however your family acts - its going to be hard in some way. People really have no clue, even if they have the best of intentions. And, I realize now that - for me, at least - I didn't really know what, if anything, was the "right" answer or response anyways. I hope your family does have the best of intentions, at least, and you can talk to them and figure out something. ((Hugs))

Jackie2200 · April 2012

Thanks for all your responses, ladies. I rally appreciate them.

We had chatted a while back about a meet the baby party but DH didn't seem that into it when we chatted about it. I talked to him about it last night and he was really excited and liked the idea. I think we'll go with that so that he can partake in the celebration too (if we're so lucky as to get a living baby this time around).

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