Really disappointed and disgusted

pennysuedog · April 2012

I have a friend that I'm have not been super close with lately, but have been really close in the past. We work together, are the same age, and she has 3 kids somewhat close to the ages of my older 2.

I found out today by numerous reliable sources that during my maternity leave she slept/sleeping with another co-worker. This co-worker happens to be "good friends" with her husband. This guy she slept with has 2 kids with his wife the youngest was born in November about the time this said affair started.

The whole bakery knows about it, but they don't know we know and their spouses don't know either. They make me sick that this is just a game to them to mess up their marriages and their kids' childhood. If you are not happy in your marriage end it, but you can't have your cake and eat it too (not even in the bakery). Is it wrong to not be her friend or much less talk to her anymore because of this?

Liz4444 · April 2012

I would not be able to be friends with someone I could not respect, and I could never respect someone that could do that. So, no, I don't think you're wrong.

Stewartandmaura · April 2012

That's really awful and sad. I couldn't be friends with someone if they were carrying on that way, and if she asked why I stopped talking to her, I think I would be up front about it.

sharksfan · April 2012

Not wrong at all. Your friends should be people that you can trust; this doesn't sound like a trustworthy person worthy of your friendship.

dlast09 · April 2012

Liz4444:
I would not be able to be friends with someone I could not respect, and I could never respect someone that could do that. So, no, I don't think you're wrong.

Agreed. I judge, so I wouldn't be able to continue to be her friend. If she is a coworker, she is a coworker. But you don't have to be friendly with her.

pearblossom · April 2012

I would absolutely feel the same way. Hopefully it doesn't make your work situation too awful.

I have a friend who has a 12 week old and I recently found out she is having an affair. I am not surprised, but I'm not answering her calls anymore either. All I can think is that poor baby's family is about to be irreparably damaged. You're right, it is not a game.

freckleface77 · April 2012

I think it's disgusting also. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. Always look at the behaviors people exhibit toward others in their lives because, inevitably, you will be on the receiving end.

blu-eyedwife · April 2012

This is a person who quite obviously has no respect for others. And I wouldn't want that kind of person for a friend. Besides that, if she's willing to lie to her husband, i'm sure she wouldn't think twice about lying to her friends, and I think you should be able to trust your friends.

jwls84 · April 2012

If it makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn't continue being friends with her. Recently we found out that one of our friends was cheating on our other friend (his fiancee, with another one of our friends) it was a big mess and it got to the point where I couldn't keep it in anymore and had to make sure she knew that her soon to be husband was sleeping with someone else. Turns out she has known all a long and is still making the choice to marry him. Anyway my point is, are you sure their spouses don't know... either way it is disgusting but just thought I would throw it out there that maybe it isn't as secret as everyone suspects.

DoctorWorm222 · April 2012

I don't know what to say about this...

On the one hand, what she did is really terrible. Its indicative of poor character, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to bother associating with a person of poor character.

On the other hand, you weren't the one who was wronged, so I don't think you have a compelling reason to be overtly mean or disrespectful to her. If, for some reason, she asks for your opinion, let her have it. Otherwise, this is between her and her spouse. The $hitstorm is going to hit her in the face with or without your input.

dlast09 · April 2012

DoctorWorm222:
I don't know what to say about this...
On the one hand, what she did is really terrible. Its indicative of poor character, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to bother associating with a person of poor character.
On the other hand, you weren't the one who was wronged, so I don't think you have a compelling reason to be overtly mean or disrespectful to her. If, for some reason, she asks for your opinion, let her have it. Otherwise, this is between her and her spouse. The $hitstorm is going to hit her in the face with or without your input.

I personally wouldn't be outright rude, that is just not the kind of person I am. But I don't see anything wrong with unfriending her.

Papps · April 2012

I totally judge. I would not be her friend anymore, and if she asked, tell her why straight up. Maybe that will knock some sense into the dumbtwat

CMonkey515 · April 2012

I also wouldn't be able to be friends with someone like that. Cheating is wrong no matter what, but when a person has kids it's ten times worse. You're not just cheating on your SO, but your whole family. I couldn't have any respect for someone with such a blatant disregard for the emotional well being of their children.

rubysue267 · April 2012

pennysuedog:
If you are not happy in your marriage end it, but you can't have your cake and eat it too (not even in the bakery).

Is it bad that this line made me laugh out loud?

In all seriousness, no, I don't think it's wrong for you to want to step away from the friendship. I personally do not understand cheating because like you said, if you want out of your marriage you should end it instead of sneaking around. I have a friend who asked for a divorce less than 6 months after she married her XH and although I think she was a complete AW about the whole thing and find it completely shady that she immediately started dating some dude she met through Twitter (yes, Twitter) she at least was up-front about it with her ex and moved out / filed separation paperwork. Her ex was a really nice guy who was completely blindsided, but at least he didn't have to deal with her leaving him AND finding out that she had been sneaking around behind his back for any length of time. Plus, there were no kids and now a year out from these events, it's clear that his life is about 10x happier than it ever was while in their (seemingly) empty marriage.

Long tangent over, I couldn't be friends with someone who would sneak around on their spouse especially when their are children involved. WHEN their families find out (because it's not an "if") their children face a long road of heartbreak and will have a probably uphill battle of learning to trust other people in their own relationships and marriages.

I wouldn't be snarky or over-the-top rude, but I would absolutely pull back from the friendship and if she asks why, tell her. Maybe if she knows that YOU know, it will push her to fess-up to the affair or end it before the situation gets worse than it already is. I just cannot understand, trust, or respect someone who willingly inflict such pain on the people they supposedly love. Unforgivable.

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